The President: Thank you so much, everybody.

Please have a seat.

Have a seat.

For generations, Presidents have faithfully executed two

great American traditions: issuing a proclamation that

sets aside a Thursday in November for us to express

gratitude, and granting pardons that reflect our

beliefs in second chances.

And this week, we do both.

(laughter)

Of course, Thanksgiving is a family holiday as much as a

national one.

So for the past seven years, I've established another

tradition: embarrassing my daughters with a

"corny-copia" of dad jokes about turkeys.

(laughter)

This year, they had a scheduling conflict.

(laughter)

Actually, they just couldn't take my jokes anymore.

(laughter)

They were fed up.

Audience: Oooooh --

The President: Fortunately, I

have by my side here today two of my nephews -- Austin

and Aaron Robinson -- who, unlike Malia and Sasha, have

not yet been turned cynical by Washington.

(laughter)

They still believe in bad puns.

They still appreciate the grandeur of this occasion.

They still have hope.

(laughter)

Malia and Sasha, by the way, are thankful that this is my

final presidential turkey pardon.

What I haven't told them yet is that we are going to do

this every year from now on.

(laughter)

No cameras.

Just us.

Every year.

No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey.

(laughter and applause)

Good one.

That was pretty funny.

(laughter)

Thanksgiving is a chance --

(laughter)

-- to gather with loved ones, reflect on our many

blessings, and, after a long campaign season, finally

turn our attention from polls to poultry.

This year, we're honored to be joined by two of the

lucky ones, who were raised by the Domino family in

Iowa: Tater and Tot.

Now, Tater is here in a backup role, just in case

Tot can't fulfill his duties.

So he's sort of like the Vice Turkey.

We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses.

(laughter)

And it is my great privilege -- well, it's my privilege

-- actually, let's just say it's my job --

(laughter)

-- to grant them clemency this afternoon.

As I do, I want to take a moment to recognize the

brave turkeys who weren't so lucky, who didn't get to

ride the gravy train to freedom --

(laughter)

-- who met their fate with courage and sacrifice -- and

proved that they weren't chicken.

(laughter)

The President: Oh, it's not that bad.

Now, come one.

(laughter)

Of course, we have a lot to be thankful for

this Thanksgiving.

Six straight years of job creation -- the longest

streak ever.

Low unemployment.

Wages are rising again.

Inequality is narrowing.

The housing market is healing.

The stock market has nearly tripled.

Our high school graduation rate is at an all-time high.

And our uninsured rate is at an all-time low, thanks to

the 20 million more Americans, including

millions of children, who finally know the security of

health insurance.

(applause)

That's worth gobbling about.

(laughter)

Proud families across the country are finally complete

now that marriage equality is the law of the land.

And there are many families of servicemembers who had

empty chairs at the table in recent years but who on this

Thanksgiving can celebrate with our brave troops and

veterans who we've welcomed home.

Thanksgiving is also a reminder of the source of

our national strength -- that out of many, we are

one; that we're bound not by any one race or religion,

but rather by an adherence to a common creed, that all

of us are created equal.

And while accepting our differences and building a

diverse society has never been easy, it has never been

more important.

We are a people that look out for one another and get

each other's backs.

We keep moving forward, defined by values and ideals

that have been a light to all humanity.

We have to see ourselves in each other because we've all

got families we love, and we all have hopes for their

better future.

And we lose sight of that sometimes, and Thanksgiving

is a good time for us to remember that.

We have a lot more in common than divides us.

The holidays are also a time when it's even more

important to reach out to those who need a helping hand.

I believe we're judged by how we care for the poor and

the vulnerable, the sick and the elderly, the immigrant,

the refugee, everybody who's trying to get a second chance.

I believe that in order to truly live up to those

ideals we have to continually fight

discrimination in all its forms and always show the

world that America is a generous and giving country.

We should also make sure everyone has something to

eat on Thanksgiving -- of course, except the turkeys,

because they're already stuffed.

(laughter)

Audience: Ooooh --

(laughter)

The President: So, later today, the Obama family will

participate in our traditional Thanksgiving service project.

And when somebody at your table tells you that you've

been hogging all the side dishes and you can't have

any more, I hope you respond with a creed that sums up

the spirit of a hungry people: Yes, We Cran.

(laughter)

That was good.

(laughter)

You don't think that's funny?

Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this

is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving

any room for leftovers.

(laughter)

Let me just say -- how am I doing?

Good?

Thumbs up?

Let me just say one last thing before I spare these

turkeys' lives.

On this Thanksgiving, I want to express my sincere

gratitude to the American people for the trust that

you've placed in me over these last eight years and

the incredible kindness that you've shown my family.

On behalf of Michelle, and my mother-in-law, and our

girls, we want to thank you so very, very much.

And now, from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will

go to their new home at Virginia Tech -- which is

admittedly a bit Hokie.

(laughter)

They'll get to live out their natural lives at a new

facility called Gobblers Rest, where students and

veterinarians will care for them.

And so let's get on with the pardoning because it's

Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that

Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a "fowl" mood.

Audience: Ooooh --

The President: Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Let's go pardon these turkeys.

(applause)