Oh no.

Rolls that boy up, pops open the bag, leans the chair back, right, and just, (snort), in my car!

So it's two AM, the drunk hour, when the magic phrase last call drives the inebriated into the streets.

I pick up this couple, it was obviously a date, the girl had like flowers, the guy was completely drunk.

We get to the location, she says, okay, we gotta get him out so you can take me home.

He said, "I'm not leaving you! I'm nah nah nah nah."

She says okay I will take him out to the curb, then I'll get back into the car.

And does that, before she could close the door, he jumps into the back seat.

"No! I'm no leaving you nah!"

So she gets out trying to coax him out, and I said, sir, you really have to leave the car.

And then he changed.

What are you talking about?

He gets out, and he gets into the divers side, and he starts throwing punches.

Raining blows on my head, rapid fire.

Are you serious?

I am completely serious.

I'm sitting there holding up my arms, trying to deflect it.

And I get ahold of his wrists, then he's giving me the death stare trying to throw punches.

He gets out, goes around, opens up the drivers side door, to try and get a better shot at me, and I end up just driving off.

Were the doors open?

Yeah the doors open.

What the hell!

I drive down a couple blocks and then I start writing to the app, saying this guy made me feel unsafe.

He caught up to where I was and starts beating on the drivers side window.

What?

I try to drive away, he's trying to get in, he's trying to, he's like trying to confront a car.

Wha wha what are you gonna do?

I drive past him.

Drive down a lot longer, maybe a mile or so.

I finish up driving, and then I notice he left his phone in the car.

I did not go back, I kept that thing.

I took it to the Hub where they have the real people there.

Went to them I filled out the form.

Here's this guys phone, this is this ride, you guys can deal with returning it to him.

I don't wanna see this guy again.

And I don't know what they did, they said they maybe temporarily banned him.

But they said as far as anything further, we'll take the appropriate action.

So I don't know what happened.

It was maybe about 2:30 at night, 3:00, when the bars were all out.

And I'm trying to find this guy when all of a sudden I hear like a whistle, so he sits in the back.

He's cool, like he's this British rocker.

You know we're talking, we're putting on some really good music and we're just jamming out, and I can kinda smell that he like smokes, which is kinda like my pick up line, like oh do you wanna have a cigarette, and he goes yeah.

So we decide to have a cigarette, but he said let me sit in the front, and I said yeah totally.

The mood is great, and then all of a sudden he starts rubbing on my leg, and I was like whoa.

Like the thing is I was into it too, so I started rubbing on his leg, and...

And so we just stopped the car.

And the thing is, you know, we start kissing, and it gets hot and heavy, he whips out his junk.

And so, yeah, I was playing with his junk, whatever.

And he's British, so you know what that means, he's uncircumcised, no I know, I know.

So the thing is that...

While the clock was on?

Well, of course I'm gonna charge for that shit.

We get hot and heavy, and the thing is that he wanted to fuck me, he says like I want to fuck you.

And I was thinking like, wow, I usually I mean, after like the first 30 minutes, usually it's like an hour in the night.

I'm not that easy, and we don't have protection.

I'm, this guys nuts, so I was like well this is a little bit much.

Maybe we go back to my place.

And he's all no no we can't go back to your place.

And I said, I don't think it's gonna happen.

We didn't finish from there or anything.

I dropped him off and like when I see him,

he's still jerking off.

Like, he really wanted it because he was that drunk.

- How many stars did he give you?

- Five stars of course.

- It was rush hour, so it was like five, six o'clock.

I get a request from this girl off the UCLA campus.

And so I pull up, and I see this girl walking towards me,

and she looked like she just got outta bed.

So she walks over and she looks like she's just tired.

She comes up to the window and she's like,

hi are you Eddie?

And I'm like yeah, she goes hi,

and she gets in the front seat,

which already I'm like, oh my god.

So she gets in the front seat,

she goes, we're going to the corner

of Franklin and Whitley in Hollywood.

And I go alright.

She goes, how long will that take?

And I was like well, it's rush hour now,

so I don't know, 45 minutes to an hour.

She goes (sigh) he owes me jesus.

And I was like, are you okay?

She goes that's fine.

We're driving, we start talking about

boyfriends and girlfriends, dating, all of a sudden

she comes on the topic of drugs.

And she goes, have you ever done drugs before,

and I said well no I haven't.

So then she goes, oh well just so you know,

we're gonna pick up drugs.

- Oh god.

- And I go oh.

(laughs) I go oh.

So we're going to pick up drugs.

We're driving along, we get to Hollywood,

Franklin and Whitley, we're at the corner.

This guy she's texting has not responded yet.

We're just sitting there on Whitley, just kinda like,

so what's, what are we, what's next?

So what do we do next.

Finally the guy responds.

Blue Nissan, northwest corner,

I'm like alright that sounds shady.

So she goes, okay wait here.

And I wait there, and she goes back out.

I waited for probably like 10 minutes.

So she gets back in the car, take me back home.

Driving along, and she pulls out two like dime bags

from her bra, and she goes okay do you have any paper?

And I was like no all I have is like a wrapper.

And she goes okay alright fine,

so she pulls out like a 20 or something like that

out of her pocket, rolls that boy up,

pops open the bag, leans the chair back, right,

and just (snort) in my car!

And I was like, like what?

I was like yo!

So she hits and she goes, ah, okay.

(laughs)

Now I can go to work.

I was like what do you do for a living?

(laughs)

I was like what you can get high before you leave?

(laughs) Oh my god dude.

So I drive her back, drop her off,

she leaves the car, and that was it.

- People are crazy, California's crazy, expect it.

Hope for the best expect the worst.

Guard your loins people.

(upbeat music)