- What up, everyone?

It's your girl, Superwoman.

And every Christmas, I experience the same three fails.

Number one, creating my Christmas shopping list.

You see, the holiday season has its way of convincing

me that I like more people than I actually do.

Like straight up, if I was to text every

single person on my phone right now like,

"Hey, really need a friend to talk to,"

one person would reply.

My mom.

And not even my real mom, me dressed up as my mom.

But when creating my Christmas shopping list,

'tis the season to feel like I owe erryone a gift.

These are so bad.

- I know.

- You think I should get Priya a card or a gift?

- A card's fine.

- What about Kevin?

- A gift.

- Lauren?

- Mmm, mass text.

- Mmm, what about David?

- Ugh, a double tap on Instagram is more than enough.

- Mmm.

- Remember that time that he accidentally grabbed

your butt because he thought it was his own?

- Oh my God, that was so weird.

But also kinda nice.

- Wait.

Dude, why is your list so long?

And who the hell is Jamie?

- Okay, my mailman.

You know Jamie.

- Who still sends you mail?

- My insurance company!

- And who is Alex?

- The guy from the insurance company who sends me mail.

- Why is your ex's mother on this list?

- Why not?

She made me dinner like a solid three times.

- Yes, in 2010.

You haven't had a boyfriend

since I was on Good Luck Charlie.

Charlie's a teenager now.

- Whatever, okay?

Look, lemme look at your list.

Are you dumb?

Are you dumb, are you dumb?

Why is Mark on here?

Mark cheated on you.

- Look, it's the holiday season.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

- You keyed his car last week.

- Yeah, yeah.

But that was before I had my peppermint tea

in my nice Starbucks cup.

I am a different person now.

Plus, you have Kelly on your list and she spread

that terrible rumor about you back in high school.

- Yeah.

But to be fair, it was true.

- Whoa, gross.

He's your cousin.

- Okay, first of all, Harjeet is my second cousin.

Also, I didn't know.

Also, the Lannisters do much worse than that

and they have a hit TV show.

So really, it's not that bad.

- I don't know.

Kelly's still a jerk.

- Yeah.

So like a gift card?

- Yes, but make it to 7-Eleven.

Or wait, wait, wait.

Get her a 20 dollar gift card to Top Shop.

She won't be able to buy anything.

- That's good.

Can we agree to not buy each other gifts this year?

Like, my list is so long as is.

- Yeah, deal.

- [Lilly] Sweet!

These are so bad.

- Gimme more!

- Number two, the surprise gift.

Every year, there's a couple people

that I have a real conversation with.

Like bruh, we don't need to get each other gifts.

We're past that.

That's like way too formal for us.

We way too broke for that.

So you both agree, no presents.

And then this happens.

(knocks)

- Merry Christmas!

(laughs)

- What is this?

- It's your Christmas present, silly.

Come on.

- I thought we agreed to no presents?

- No, don't be ridiculous.

It's Christmas, of course I'm gonna get you a present.

(laughs)

- Well why did we have the conversation then, Bridgit?

- I was still gonna get you a present.

- Oh, were you?

- Obviously. (laughs)

- 'Cause we had the talk and here you are.

- Well, it's just a thing people say but they don't mean.

- Where the F was the warning, bruh?

Why did we have the conversation?

You out here making me look bad because I kept our promise?

You know what a bad gift is?

Lying, ya liar.

Honestly, how do you sit upon your

buttocks with it being so on fire?

When you're in this situation,

you can do one of three things.

Well, I had got you a gift too.

Obviously, duh.

Ooh, I donated to a charity in your name.

- Awww, which one?

- Which one?

Oh, for whales.

Yeah, whales, to ensure whales get to go to school.

It's a huge issue.

- Education?

- Oh yeah, did you know like 50% of whales

don't get the opportunity to go to school?

Aw, well you know, I got you a gift too.

Yeah, it's just stuck in the mail and you know how it goes.

But don't worry, Jamie should be delivering it like any day.

- Mmm.

- Oh well, I got you a gift too.

Yeah, it's just upstairs.

In fact, I'll go grab it right now.

Wait here.

- Lilly, it's like a little chilly out here.

Can I come in, or...

Hello?

Hello?

- Merry Christmas.

- Awww.

What could it be?

- I don't know.

- Makeup!

- Yeah. - Awesome.

I feel like it's a little dark for my skin, though.

- Oh, no, no, no.

It's like a new tan thing.

- I don't know.

- I mean, Kylie's doing it, so...

- I love it.

Oh my God, thank you.

You know me.

- Number three, secret Santa.

Here's the thing about secret Santa, right.

First of all, I wasn't plannin' to buy

any of you a gift to begin with.

So I know this whole scenario has been created to

save me money, but really, I'm just spending more money.

Second of all, it's always awkward and confusing

when you're trying to decide the price limit

because no one even sticks to it anyways.

And third of all, I swear to God, secret Santa is the

second biggest political situation to go down this year.

The trades, the deals, the drama.

Let's be honest, no part of secret Santa is a secret.

- So, what's the limit?

- Mmm, what about $20?

- What about $50?

- $50?

I don't know if I like you guys that much.

- What about $5?

- No, what can you buy for $5?

- Fine, $30.

- Wait, is that $30 including tax though?

- Excluding.

- Okay, what about shipping, before or after shipping?

- After.

- What if the store takes cash only

and the ATM's fee is like 5 dollars,

is that included as well?

- Fine, okay.

30 dollars, that's it, including everything.

We're done.

- Okay.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Psst, who'd you get?

- Allen.

- Trade with me, I got Carl.

- Why?

- I hate Carl, he walks so slow.

- This is for you.

- I like Allen.

- Who do you have?

I have Carl, Lilly has Allen now.

- I have Jess.

I want Carl, he's cute.

- Well, I heard he walks slow.

- Can I have him?

- Psst, who do you have?

- I can't tell you. (laughs)

- Oh, so me?

So you have me?

- I can't say.

- Okay, so it's a 100% me.

- Yes, yes, I have you!

- Oh, well way to ruin it, Scrooge!

- Who do you have?

- I have Allen.

- No.

I had Allen, which means you have me because you lied.

- Not to mention that secret Santa is

the perfect opportunity for people who don't like you to be

hella passive aggressive with the presents they give you.

- Merry Christmas, Mary.

- Oh, thanks.

Wow, a pacifier.

I don't have kids.

- Oh, I know.

I just thought maybe you could use it to shut up sometimes.

- Oh.

Okay.

- Enjoy.

- Oh. - Merry Christmas.

- Oh, thank you.

Febreze?

- Yeah, it's to help mask all the crap you talk.

- I told you I didn't start those rumors.

- Yeah, well 'cause just for the record,

Jameet is my third cousin!

So, we're basically strangers.

Aside from these three fails though,

the holidays are awesome.

You get to wear comfortable, ugly sweaters,

eat amazing food, and see family.

Hey, cuz.

Tell your brother Jameet I said hi.

Mm-hmm.

I'll see you at your parent's anniversary, okay?