HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYTHING UP FOR

LENT?

>> Guillermo: WEED, JIMMY.

>> Jimmy: WHEAT?

DID YOU SAY WHEAT?

>> Guillermo: NO, I SAID SMOKING

WEED.

>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU

DID THAT.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

TO GIVE UP FOR THE NEXT 40 DAYS.

POPE FRANCIS HAS AN IDEA.

HE'S ENCOURAGED US TO STOP

INSULTING PEOPLE ONLINE.

IT'S A TIME TO GIVE UP USELESS

WORDS, GOSSIP, RUMORS,

TITTLE-TATTLE.

I'M WITH HIM ON ALL BUT THE

TIT

TIT

TITTLE-TATTLE.

PLEASE, STOP MEAN TWEETING THE

POPE.

SEND HIM A DIRECT MESSAGE IF YOU

MUST.

I HOPE THE POPE DIDN'T WATCH THE

DEBATE LAST NIGHT.

BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS ENGAGED IN

A GOOD DEAL OF TITTLE-TATTLE.

THIS IS WHAT YOU MISSED.

[ TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY ]

>> FIGHTING FOR MY [ BLEEP ]

LIFE.

SO TELL ME [ BLEEP ].

>> WATCHING THE DEMOCRATIC

DEBATE RIGHT HERE ON CBS.

>> Jimmy: I THINK SENATOR KELLY

HAS A SHOT.

FOR A LOT OF THESE CANDIDATES,

IT WAS DESPERATION TIME.

THIS WAS THEIR LAST SHOT.

THEY WERE WAVING THEIR HANDS IN

THE AIR LIKE THEY JUST DON'T

CARE.

AND IN A WAY, IT HELPED

MODERATORS KEEP IT MOVING.

♪ ♪

>> A FEW KEY DEBATE QUESTIONS

BEFORE WE START, TO SAVE TIME

PLEASE ANSWER BY RAISING YOUR

HAND.

DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND?

GREAT.

DID EVERYONE USE THE BATHROOM?

DOES ANYONE STILL NEED TO USE

THE BATHROOM?

SENATOR SANDERS, YOU'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO HOLD IT.

OKAY.

WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO TELL MAYOR

BLOOMBERG TO SCREW HIMSELF?

VERY GOOD.

AND WHO ORDERED THE PASTRAMI?

THE CAVIAR?

A JAR OF MAYONNAISE?

THIS SALAD WITH A COMB IN IT?

SENATOR KLOBUCHAR.

LASTLY, IS THERE ANYONE WHO

KNOWS THEY SHOULDN'T BE HERE?

THANK YOU.

GOOD-BYE.

OKAY, THEN.

LET'S BEGIN.

♪ ♪

>> Jimmy: MIKE BLOOMBERG HAD A

BETTER SHOWING THAN HE DID AT

THE LAST DEBATE AND SOMEHOW

MANAGED TO BUY TWO COMMERCIALS

DURING THE DEBATE.

MIKE BLOOMBERG HAS NOW PUT MORE

THAN $500 MILLION INTO HIS

CAMPAIGN.

EVEN FE DOEIF HE DOESN'T WIN TH

NOMINATION HE SAYS HE'S PREPARED

TO SPEND MORE TO BEAT DONALD

TRUMP.

TEAM SANDERS SAYS TAKING MONEY

FROM BLOOMBERG IS A HARD NO.

HAS ANY NO FROM SANDERS EVER

BEEN A SOFT NO?

HE GIVES A HARD NO TO

TRICK-OR-TREATERS.

WE HAVE NO SUGAR DADDIES!

WHAT IF BERNIE TOOK $300,000

FROM BLOOMBERG HOOKED UP WITH A

STRIPPER AND MOVED TO THE CAYMAN

ISLANDS.

TRUMP WOULD BE SO JEALOUS FOR

SURE.

THIS DEBATE WAS ALL OVER THE

NEWS NATIONALLY, BUT ESPECIALLY

IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

AND I WANT TO CONGRATULATE

DANIELLE SEAT OF THE WMBF NEWS

TEAM IN MYRTLE BEACH WHOSE

COVERAGE OF THE DEBATE MADE HER

THIS WEEK'S WINNER OF THE AWARD

FOR EXCELLENCE IN REPORTING.

>> GREAT TV'S DANIELLE SEAT

JOINS US FROM CHARLESTON WITH

WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW AHEAD OF

TONIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, DANIELLE.

>> [ BLEEP ].

>> WELL, ALL EYES WILL CERTAINLY

BE ON CHARLESTON.

>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, HER HAIR

LOOKED GOOD.

AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

THE BIG WINNER LAST NIGHT AT THE

DEBATE, ACCORDING TO DONALD

TRUMP, WAS DONALD TRUMP.

THE PRESIDENT WATCHED THE

DEBATES ON HIS WAY HOME FROM

INDIA.

HE'S FLYING JETBLUE, AND THEY

HAVE THE TV.

THIS MORNING HE TAPPED OUT A

TWO-PART REVIEW.

PART TWO SAID POCAHONTAS WAS

MEAN AND UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY

AIMING AT CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI

MIKE.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE

HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A

CHOCKER.

HE MISSPELLED CHOKER.

I THINK HE WAS QUOTING HIS OWN

MISSPELLING FROM 2018 WHEN HE

CALLED MARCO RUBIO A CHOCKER.

OR MAYBE HE WAS JOCKING.

I DON'T KNOW.

AND THEN THE VICE POODLE PILED

ON THE DEMOCRATS.

MIKE PENCE WAS IN MICHIGAN LAST

NIGHT AT A KEEP AMERICA GREAT

RALLY, SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF

FARMERS FOR WHOM HE COMPARED

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE

DEMOCRATS RIGHT NOW TO A

DEMOLITION DERBY.

>> I MEAN, I GREW UP IN A SMALL

TOWN.

COUNTY FAIR COMES TO TOWN,

RIGHT?

EVERYBODY WITH THE CRUMMIEST

CARS IN TOWN WOULD DRIVE THEM

INTO THE INFIELD AND CRASH THEM

INTO EACH OTHER UNTIL ONLY ONE

WAS DRIVING.

SO NOW YOU HAVE ALL THESE

DEMOCRATS WITH THE CRUMMIEST

IDEAS IN POLITICS SMASHING INTO

EACH OTHER AND EVENTUALLY,

THERE'LL STILL BE ONE RUNNING.

BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS

IS GOING TO END.

THERE'S GOING TO BE A MONSTER

TRUCK WITH A T ON THE HOOD

THAT'S GOING TO DRIVE INTO THE

INFIELD AND ROLL OVER THE TOP OF

THEM!

>> Jimmy: THAT'S JUST WHAT THE

COUNTRY NEEDS RIGHT NOW, A

MONSTER TRUCK ROLLING OVER TOP

OF US.

LONG LIVE PRESIDENT

TRUCK-A-SAURUS.

THIS CORONAVIRUS IS STARTING TO

MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS.

THIS COULD BE THE FASTEST

SPREADING VIRUS FROM ASIA SINCE

"GANGNAM STYLE," WHICH IS SCARY.

IT'S ALREADY HAVING AN IMPACT

LOCALLY, EVEN THE MASKED SINGER

IS WEARING AN EXTRA MASK NOW.

WE DO OUR SHOW IN THE HEART OF

HOLLYWOOD.

AND THIS IS A PLACE TEEMING WITH

THE DIRTIEST SUPER HEROES.

WE'RE IN PRIME CORONA ZONEA

RIGHT HERE.

HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE WARNING TO

AVOID PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH

OTHER PEOPLE.

PEOPLE IN JAPAN ARE LESS AT RISK

BECAUSE THEIR TRADITIONAL

GREETING IS A BOW.

WE, FOR WHATEVER REASON, ARE

STICKING WITH THE HAND SHAKE.

I'M GIVING UP THE HANDSHAKE FOR

LENT.

IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO BE

NOT FRIENDLY.

I CAME UP WITH THE PATELLA

HELLO.

LET'S SAY GUILLERMO AND I HAVE

RUN INTO EACH OTHER ON THE

STREET, AND I SAY HELLO,

GUILLERMO, RIGHT?

IT'S GOOD.

AND THEN IF WE REALLY, IT'S LIKE

A FIST BUMP WITH YOUR KNEE, AND

IF YOU REALLY LIKE SOMEBODY, SAY

HELLO, GUILLERMO.

THERE YOU GO.

GO BACK TO YOUR SPOT.

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, AND ALL

YOU HAVE TO DO AT THE END OF THE

DAY IS MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR

PANTS, THAT'S ALL.

THE PRESIDENT IS DOING

EVERYTHING HE CAN TO CALM THIS

NATION'S NERVES.

THIS MORNING HE TWEETED MY

FELLOW AMERICANS, WHILE I KNOW

THIS IS AN UNEASY TIME, TRUST

THAT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES IN

WASHINGTON ARE WORKING AROUND

THE CLOCK WITH THE WORLD'S BEST

SCIENTISTS TO PROTECT YOU AND

YOUR FAMILY FROM THIS TERRIBLE

DISEASE.

WHEN WE BAND TOGETHER WE ARE

STRONG.

HE DIDN'T WRITE THAT?

OH, LOW RATINGS FAKENESS MSDNC,

COMCAST, AND CNN ARE DOING

EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE

CORONAVIRUS LOOK AS BAD AS

POSSIBLE.

WHY IS THE MEDIA ONLY FOCUSSING

ON THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS?

IT'S SO BIASSED.

THIS IS PART OF HIS, IF YOU

CAN'T SPELL IT YOU CAN'T CATCH

IT CAMPAIGN.

HE'S ESPECIALLY WORRIED ABOUT

THIS, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE

STOCK MARKET WHICH IS KEY TO HIS

REELECTION BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE

REALIZED HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO

EAT A BACON CHEESEBURGER THROUGH

A FACE MASK.

TODAY HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE

TO AGAIN REASSURE US THAT HE HAS

THIS VIRUS COMPLETELY UNDER

CONTROL.

[ INDISCERNIBLE ]

>> Jimmy: HE GAVE A RAMBLING

PRESENTATION TODAY.

OF COURSE HE CONGRATULATED

HIMSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS SO FAR.

AND HE DOWN-PLAYED THE VIRUS.

HE SAID THE BLFLU KILLS A LOT ME

PEOPLE THAN THE CORONAVIRUS.

I DON'T KNOW, ALLIGATORS HAVE

KILLED MORE PEOPLE, TOO.

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD

JUMP IN THE SWAMP.

THE UNITED STATES IS RANKED

NUMBER ONE ON A LIST OF

COUNTRIES MOST PREPARED FOR THIS

SORT OF THING, AND THEN THE

PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED WHO HE'S

PUTTING IN CHARGE OF FIGHTING

THIS VIRUS.

>> HE'S REALLY VERY EXPERT AT

THE FIELD.

AND WHAT I'VE DONE IS I'M GOING

TO BE ANNOUNCING EXACTLY RIGHT

NOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE PUTTING

OUR VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE IN

CHARGE.

>> DIDN'T IT SEEM PENCE DIDN'T

KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

I HOPE THE VIRUS ISN'T SPREAD BY

KISSING ASS, BECAUSE IF IT IS,

THEY'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.

SERIOUSLY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MIKE PENCE IS IN TROUBLE.

WHY IS MIKE PENCE, WHY IS MIKE

PENCE IN CHARGE?

WHAT IS HIS PLAN TO STOP THE