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  • CATHOLICS.

  • HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYTHING UP FOR

  • LENT?

  • >> Guillermo: WEED, JIMMY.

  • >> Jimmy: WHEAT?

  • DID YOU SAY WHEAT?

  • >> Guillermo: NO, I SAID SMOKING

  • WEED.

  • >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU

  • DID THAT.

  • IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING

  • TO GIVE UP FOR THE NEXT 40 DAYS.

  • POPE FRANCIS HAS AN IDEA.

  • HE'S ENCOURAGED US TO STOP

  • INSULTING PEOPLE ONLINE.

  • IT'S A TIME TO GIVE UP USELESS

  • WORDS, GOSSIP, RUMORS,

  • TITTLE-TATTLE.

  • I'M WITH HIM ON ALL BUT THE

  • TIT

  • TIT

  • TITTLE-TATTLE.

  • PLEASE, STOP MEAN TWEETING THE

  • POPE.

  • SEND HIM A DIRECT MESSAGE IF YOU

  • MUST.

  • I HOPE THE POPE DIDN'T WATCH THE

  • DEBATE LAST NIGHT.

  • BECAUSE THE DEMOCRATS ENGAGED IN

  • A GOOD DEAL OF TITTLE-TATTLE.

  • THIS IS WHAT YOU MISSED.

  • [ TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY ]

  • >> FIGHTING FOR MY [ BLEEP ]

  • LIFE.

  • SO TELL ME [ BLEEP ].

  • >> WATCHING THE DEMOCRATIC

  • DEBATE RIGHT HERE ON CBS.

  • >> Jimmy: I THINK SENATOR KELLY

  • HAS A SHOT.

  • FOR A LOT OF THESE CANDIDATES,

  • IT WAS DESPERATION TIME.

  • THIS WAS THEIR LAST SHOT.

  • THEY WERE WAVING THEIR HANDS IN

  • THE AIR LIKE THEY JUST DON'T

  • CARE.

  • AND IN A WAY, IT HELPED

  • MODERATORS KEEP IT MOVING.

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> A FEW KEY DEBATE QUESTIONS

  • BEFORE WE START, TO SAVE TIME

  • PLEASE ANSWER BY RAISING YOUR

  • HAND.

  • DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND?

  • GREAT.

  • DID EVERYONE USE THE BATHROOM?

  • DOES ANYONE STILL NEED TO USE

  • THE BATHROOM?

  • SENATOR SANDERS, YOU'RE GOING TO

  • HAVE TO HOLD IT.

  • OKAY.

  • WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO TELL MAYOR

  • BLOOMBERG TO SCREW HIMSELF?

  • VERY GOOD.

  • AND WHO ORDERED THE PASTRAMI?

  • THE CAVIAR?

  • A JAR OF MAYONNAISE?

  • THIS SALAD WITH A COMB IN IT?

  • SENATOR KLOBUCHAR.

  • LASTLY, IS THERE ANYONE WHO

  • KNOWS THEY SHOULDN'T BE HERE?

  • THANK YOU.

  • GOOD-BYE.

  • OKAY, THEN.

  • LET'S BEGIN.

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> Jimmy: MIKE BLOOMBERG HAD A

  • BETTER SHOWING THAN HE DID AT

  • THE LAST DEBATE AND SOMEHOW

  • MANAGED TO BUY TWO COMMERCIALS

  • DURING THE DEBATE.

  • MIKE BLOOMBERG HAS NOW PUT MORE

  • THAN $500 MILLION INTO HIS

  • CAMPAIGN.

  • EVEN FE DOEIF HE DOESN'T WIN TH

  • NOMINATION HE SAYS HE'S PREPARED

  • TO SPEND MORE TO BEAT DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • TEAM SANDERS SAYS TAKING MONEY

  • FROM BLOOMBERG IS A HARD NO.

  • HAS ANY NO FROM SANDERS EVER

  • BEEN A SOFT NO?

  • HE GIVES A HARD NO TO

  • TRICK-OR-TREATERS.

  • WE HAVE NO SUGAR DADDIES!

  • WHAT IF BERNIE TOOK $300,000

  • FROM BLOOMBERG HOOKED UP WITH A

  • STRIPPER AND MOVED TO THE CAYMAN

  • ISLANDS.

  • TRUMP WOULD BE SO JEALOUS FOR

  • SURE.

  • THIS DEBATE WAS ALL OVER THE

  • NEWS NATIONALLY, BUT ESPECIALLY

  • IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • AND I WANT TO CONGRATULATE

  • DANIELLE SEAT OF THE WMBF NEWS

  • TEAM IN MYRTLE BEACH WHOSE

  • COVERAGE OF THE DEBATE MADE HER

  • THIS WEEK'S WINNER OF THE AWARD

  • FOR EXCELLENCE IN REPORTING.

  • >> GREAT TV'S DANIELLE SEAT

  • JOINS US FROM CHARLESTON WITH

  • WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW AHEAD OF

  • TONIGHT.

  • GOOD MORNING, DANIELLE.

  • >> [ BLEEP ].

  • >> WELL, ALL EYES WILL CERTAINLY

  • BE ON CHARLESTON.

  • >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, HER HAIR

  • LOOKED GOOD.

  • AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.

  • THE BIG WINNER LAST NIGHT AT THE

  • DEBATE, ACCORDING TO DONALD

  • TRUMP, WAS DONALD TRUMP.

  • THE PRESIDENT WATCHED THE

  • DEBATES ON HIS WAY HOME FROM

  • INDIA.

  • HE'S FLYING JETBLUE, AND THEY

  • HAVE THE TV.

  • THIS MORNING HE TAPPED OUT A

  • TWO-PART REVIEW.

  • PART TWO SAID POCAHONTAS WAS

  • MEAN AND UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY

  • AIMING AT CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI

  • MIKE.

  • THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE

  • HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A

  • CHOCKER.

  • HE MISSPELLED CHOKER.

  • I THINK HE WAS QUOTING HIS OWN

  • MISSPELLING FROM 2018 WHEN HE

  • CALLED MARCO RUBIO A CHOCKER.

  • OR MAYBE HE WAS JOCKING.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • AND THEN THE VICE POODLE PILED

  • ON THE DEMOCRATS.

  • MIKE PENCE WAS IN MICHIGAN LAST

  • NIGHT AT A KEEP AMERICA GREAT

  • RALLY, SPEAKING TO A GROUP OF

  • FARMERS FOR WHOM HE COMPARED

  • WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE

  • DEMOCRATS RIGHT NOW TO A

  • DEMOLITION DERBY.

  • >> I MEAN, I GREW UP IN A SMALL

  • TOWN.

  • COUNTY FAIR COMES TO TOWN,

  • RIGHT?

  • EVERYBODY WITH THE CRUMMIEST

  • CARS IN TOWN WOULD DRIVE THEM

  • INTO THE INFIELD AND CRASH THEM

  • INTO EACH OTHER UNTIL ONLY ONE

  • WAS DRIVING.

  • SO NOW YOU HAVE ALL THESE

  • DEMOCRATS WITH THE CRUMMIEST

  • IDEAS IN POLITICS SMASHING INTO

  • EACH OTHER AND EVENTUALLY,

  • THERE'LL STILL BE ONE RUNNING.

  • BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW HOW THIS

  • IS GOING TO END.

  • THERE'S GOING TO BE A MONSTER

  • TRUCK WITH A T ON THE HOOD

  • THAT'S GOING TO DRIVE INTO THE

  • INFIELD AND ROLL OVER THE TOP OF

  • THEM!

  • >> Jimmy: THAT'S JUST WHAT THE

  • COUNTRY NEEDS RIGHT NOW, A

  • MONSTER TRUCK ROLLING OVER TOP

  • OF US.

  • LONG LIVE PRESIDENT

  • TRUCK-A-SAURUS.

  • THIS CORONAVIRUS IS STARTING TO

  • MAKE PEOPLE NERVOUS.

  • THIS COULD BE THE FASTEST

  • SPREADING VIRUS FROM ASIA SINCE

  • "GANGNAM STYLE," WHICH IS SCARY.

  • IT'S ALREADY HAVING AN IMPACT

  • LOCALLY, EVEN THE MASKED SINGER

  • IS WEARING AN EXTRA MASK NOW.

  • WE DO OUR SHOW IN THE HEART OF

  • HOLLYWOOD.

  • AND THIS IS A PLACE TEEMING WITH

  • THE DIRTIEST SUPER HEROES.

  • WE'RE IN PRIME CORONA ZONEA

  • RIGHT HERE.

  • HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE WARNING TO

  • AVOID PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH

  • OTHER PEOPLE.

  • PEOPLE IN JAPAN ARE LESS AT RISK

  • BECAUSE THEIR TRADITIONAL

  • GREETING IS A BOW.

  • WE, FOR WHATEVER REASON, ARE

  • STICKING WITH THE HAND SHAKE.

  • I'M GIVING UP THE HANDSHAKE FOR

  • LENT.

  • IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO BE

  • NOT FRIENDLY.

  • I CAME UP WITH THE PATELLA

  • HELLO.

  • LET'S SAY GUILLERMO AND I HAVE

  • RUN INTO EACH OTHER ON THE

  • STREET, AND I SAY HELLO,

  • GUILLERMO, RIGHT?

  • IT'S GOOD.

  • AND THEN IF WE REALLY, IT'S LIKE

  • A FIST BUMP WITH YOUR KNEE, AND

  • IF YOU REALLY LIKE SOMEBODY, SAY

  • HELLO, GUILLERMO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • GO BACK TO YOUR SPOT.

  • AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO, AND ALL

  • YOU HAVE TO DO AT THE END OF THE

  • DAY IS MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR

  • PANTS, THAT'S ALL.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS DOING

  • EVERYTHING HE CAN TO CALM THIS

  • NATION'S NERVES.

  • THIS MORNING HE TWEETED MY

  • FELLOW AMERICANS, WHILE I KNOW

  • THIS IS AN UNEASY TIME, TRUST

  • THAT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES IN

  • WASHINGTON ARE WORKING AROUND

  • THE CLOCK WITH THE WORLD'S BEST

  • SCIENTISTS TO PROTECT YOU AND

  • YOUR FAMILY FROM THIS TERRIBLE

  • DISEASE.

  • WHEN WE BAND TOGETHER WE ARE

  • STRONG.

  • HE DIDN'T WRITE THAT?

  • OH, LOW RATINGS FAKENESS MSDNC,

  • COMCAST, AND CNN ARE DOING

  • EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE

  • CORONAVIRUS LOOK AS BAD AS

  • POSSIBLE.

  • WHY IS THE MEDIA ONLY FOCUSSING

  • ON THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF THE

  • CORONAVIRUS?

  • IT'S SO BIASSED.

  • THIS IS PART OF HIS, IF YOU

  • CAN'T SPELL IT YOU CAN'T CATCH

  • IT CAMPAIGN.

  • HE'S ESPECIALLY WORRIED ABOUT

  • THIS, NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE

  • STOCK MARKET WHICH IS KEY TO HIS

  • REELECTION BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE

  • REALIZED HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO

  • EAT A BACON CHEESEBURGER THROUGH

  • A FACE MASK.

  • TODAY HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE

  • TO AGAIN REASSURE US THAT HE HAS

  • THIS VIRUS COMPLETELY UNDER

  • CONTROL.

  • [ INDISCERNIBLE ]

  • >> Jimmy: HE GAVE A RAMBLING

  • PRESENTATION TODAY.

  • OF COURSE HE CONGRATULATED

  • HIMSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS SO FAR.

  • AND HE DOWN-PLAYED THE VIRUS.

  • HE SAID THE BLFLU KILLS A LOT ME

  • PEOPLE THAN THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • I DON'T KNOW, ALLIGATORS HAVE

  • KILLED MORE PEOPLE, TOO.

  • BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD

  • JUMP IN THE SWAMP.

  • THE UNITED STATES IS RANKED

  • NUMBER ONE ON A LIST OF

  • COUNTRIES MOST PREPARED FOR THIS

  • SORT OF THING, AND THEN THE

  • PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED WHO HE'S

  • PUTTING IN CHARGE OF FIGHTING

  • THIS VIRUS.

  • >> HE'S REALLY VERY EXPERT AT

  • THE FIELD.

  • AND WHAT I'VE DONE IS I'M GOING

  • TO BE ANNOUNCING EXACTLY RIGHT

  • NOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE PUTTING

  • OUR VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE IN

  • CHARGE.

  • >> DIDN'T IT SEEM PENCE DIDN'T

  • KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

  • I HOPE THE VIRUS ISN'T SPREAD BY

  • KISSING ASS, BECAUSE IF IT IS,

  • THEY'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.

  • SERIOUSLY.

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • MIKE PENCE IS IN TROUBLE.

  • WHY IS MIKE PENCE, WHY IS MIKE

  • PENCE IN CHARGE?

  • WHAT IS HIS PLAN TO STOP THE

CATHOLICS.

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