usually in a great mood, but I'm in a great mood today,

and, uh, you too. Good. [cheers and applause]

I'm glad.

I'm so glad to hear that 'cause I got to work today

and a lot of people are very unhappy

because of the trouble at Starbucks.

Have you heard what's going on there?

Over the weekend,

Starbucks introduced their new holiday cups,

and what I'm about to show you is highly offensive.

Brace yourselves.

Here it is.

You can tell it's mine 'cause it says,

"Eileennn" with three Ns.

People are mad about this cup 'cause they're saying

Starbucks is being anti-Christmas.

The old cups has snowflakes, and Santa's sleigh, and elves.

You know, all the things that you find in the Bible.

And, um...

[laughter]

Now, they're just red, and I mean, look at this cup.

you might as well call it a "Satan Sipper".

People are so upset,

so Starbucks released a statement about their cups.

They said that belonging, inclusion, and diversity

are the core values of Starbucks,

and Starbucks wants to give customers an experience

that inspired the spirit of the season.

How dare they.

[laughter]

So now, this holiday season,

if you want Christmas with your breakfast,

you're gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.

You have to get really, really high,

and then you have to go to IHOP,

and then you just stare at your pancakes,

and then go

see Baby Jesus in there.

[laughter]

You know?

[cheers and applause]

"Doesn't that look like Jesus?"

I understand what Starbucks is going through.

I mean, they're really trying.

But I know that people don't like change,

so I want to help bring the holidays back

into your holiday cups,

so I'm going to introduce these exclusive--

here, I'll trade you. Thank you so much, Pete.

These are Starbucks holiday vision glasses,

and what happens

when you put 'em on...

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

So when you're wearing these, you go into Starbucks,

and you'll see Christmas everywhere you look.

Not much else, but that's what you'll see.

They're available for $99,

which is slightly less than a vente frappucino, I believe.

And remember, don't wear them when you're driving.

If you do, let Jesus take the wheel.

[laughter]

Please. [cheers and applause]

All right.

And now, join me in my first holiday dance of the season.