night when Washington celebrates itself. (Laughter.) Somebody’s got to do it. (Laughter.)

And welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. (Laughter and applause.) It’s true—that

was Michelle cheering. (Laughter.) The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed than ever.

Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. (Laughter.) You should try one.

Oh, you have. (Laughter.)

I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections,

my advisors asked me, “Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?” And I said, “Well,

I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’” (Laughter and applause.)

Take executive action on immigration? Bucket. (Laughter.) New climate regulations? Bucket.

It’s the right thing to do. (Laughter and applause.)

And my new attitude is paying off. Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers are here

tonight. (Laughter and applause.) Welcome to America, amigos! Que pasa? What? It’s

the Castros from Texas? (Laughter.) Oh. Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. (Laughter.)

Anyway, being President is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue

veto threats, negotiate with Iran—all while finding time to pray five times a day. (Laughter.)

Which is strenuous. (Laughter and applause.)

And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. I look

so old, John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral. (Laughter and applause.)

Meanwhile, Michelle hasn’t aged a day. (Applause.) I ask her what her secret is, she just says

“fresh fruits and vegetables.” It’s aggravating. (Laughter.)

The fact is, though, at this point, my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. The economy

is getting better. Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage. (Applause.) Today, thanks

to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your

job. You’re welcome, Senate Democrats. (Laughter and applause.)

Now, look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. Six years into my presidency,

some people still say I’m arrogant and aloof, condescending. Some people are so dumb. (Laughter.)

No wonder I don’t meet with them. (Laughter.)

And that’s not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks

I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick

Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime. (Laughter and applause.) It’s quite a coincidence.

I mean, everybody has got something to say these days. Mike Huckabee recently said people

shouldn’t join our military until a true conservative is elected President. Think about

that. It was so outrageous, 47 Ayatollahs wrote us a letter trying to explain to Huckabee

how our system works. (Laughter.)

It gets worse. Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about

the biblical end of days. (Laughter.) Now that’s a legacy! (Laughter.) That’s big.

I mean, Lincoln, Washington—they didn’t do that. (Laughter.)

But I just have to put this stuff aside, I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for

many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend—just

a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year. And she’s now living out

of a van in Iowa. (Laughter and applause.)

Meanwhile, back here in our nation’s capital, we’re always dealing with new challenges.

I’m happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White

House correspondents, they’re really focusing on some of the issues that have come up. And

they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep people off my lawn. (Laughter.) It

works. And it’s not just fence-jumpers. As some of you know, a few months ago, a drone

crash-landed out back. That was pretty serious, but don’t worry, we’ve installed a new,

state-of-the-art security system. (Laughter.)

You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at

my side for seven years now. I love that man. (Applause.) He’s not just a great Vice President,

he is a great friend. We’ve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve

us pizza anymore. (Laughter and applause.)

I want to thank our host for the evening, a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily

Strong. (Applause.) On “Saturday Night Life,” Cecily impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin.

Which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating journalists on CNN are

journalists on CNN. (Laughter.)

ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy, “Black-ish.” (Applause.)

It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warning—being “Black-ish” only

makes you popular for so long. Trust me. (Laughter.) There’s a shelf life to that thing. (Laughter.)

As always, the reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year. Here on the East

Coast, one big story was the brutal winter. The polar vortex caused so many record lows,

they renamed it “MSNBC.” (Laughter.)

But of course, let’s face it, there is one issue on every reporter’s mind and that

is 2016. Already, we’ve seen some missteps. It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as

“Hispanic” back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent

mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as “American” back in 1961. (Laughter

and applause.)

Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. (Laughter.)

Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around

the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. (Laughter.) And just as an

aside, I want to point out, when a guy who has his face on a “Hope” poster calls

you self-centered, you know you’ve got a problem. (Laughter.) The narcissism index

is creeping up a little too high. (Laughter.)

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a

friend or a loved one. To which gays and lesbians across the country responded, that’s not

going to be a problem. (Laughter and applause.) Don’t sweat that one. (Laughter.)

And Donald Trump is here. Still. (Laughter.)

Anyway. (Laughter.) It’s amazing how time flies. Soon, the first presidential contest

will take place. And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.

It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally

get that red rose? (Laughter.) The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. The runner

up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of “The Bachelor.” (Laughter.) I mean,

seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little

excessive? (Laughter.) I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers

think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people.

(Laughter.) It's got to hurt their feelings a little bit. (Laughter.)

And, look, I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my middle name is

“Hussein.” (Laughter.) What’s their excuse? (Laughter and applause.)

The trail hasn’t been easy for my fellow Democrats either. As we all know, Hillary’s

private emails got her in trouble. Frankly, I thought it was going to be her private Instagram

account that was going to cause her bigger problems. (Laughter.)

Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone,

Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley

campaign event. (Laughter.)

And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some

folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. (Laughter.) We could get

a third Obama term after all. (Laughter and applause.) It could happen.

Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. I often joke about tensions

between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t bother me. I understand

we’ve got an adversarial system. I’m a mellow sort of guy.

And that’s why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. (Laughter

and applause.)

[LUTHER ENTERS]

LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’

Dinner are important.

LUTHER: I mean, really, what is this dinner? (Laughter.) And why am I required to come

to it? (Laughter.) Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the

most important issues of the day.

LUTHER: And we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense! (Laughter.)

“Sharia law is coming to Cleveland. Run for the damn hills!” (Laughter.) Y’all,

it’s ridiculous. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: We won’t always see eye to eye.

LUTHER: Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole

weeks, we were one step away from the Walking Dead. (Laughter.) And then you all got up

and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome. Oh, and by the way, just if you haven’t

noticed, you don’t have Ebola! (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

LUTHER: Ya’ll remember when I had that big, old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico

and then I plugged it? Remember that? Which “Obama’s Katrina” was that one? Was

that 19? Or was it 20? Because I can’t remember. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the

Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million dollars was just exercising

free speech.

LUTHER: Yeah, that’s the kind of speech like this, “I just wasted six million dollars.”

(Laughter and applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: And it’s not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money,

too.

LUTHER: Oh, yes. She’s gonna get that money. She’s gonna get all the money. Khaleesi

is coming to Westeros. (Laughter and applause.) So watch out! (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems for our democracy.

LUTHER: And that’s why we’re running for a third term! (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: No, we’re not.

LUTHER: We’re not?

THE PRESIDENT: No.

LUTHER: Who the hell said that? (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges, like climate change.

LUTHER: Hey, listen, ya’ll, if you haven’t noticed, California is bone dry. (Laughter.)

It looks like a trailer for the new “Mad Max” movie up in there. (Laughter.) Ya’ll

think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? (Laughter.)

He needed a glass of water. Come on! (Laughter and applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: The science is clear. Nine of the ten hottest years ever came in the

last decade.

LUTHER: Now, I’m not a scientist, but I do know how to count to 10. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Rising seas, more violent storms.

LUTHER: We’ve got mosquitos. Sweaty people on the train, stinking it up. It’s just

nasty. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I mean, look at what’s happening right now. Every serious scientist says we

need to act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day,

and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in

the Senate!

LUTHER: Okay, Mr. President. Okay, I think they’ve got it, bro.

THE PRESIDENT: It is crazy! What about our kids? What kind of stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible

bull— (Laughter and applause.)

LUTHER: Wow! Hey! (Applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: What?!

LUTHER: All due respect, sir. You don’t need an anger translator. (Laughter.) You

need counseling. (Laughter.) So I’m out of here, man. I ain’t trying to get into

all this. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: Go. (Applause.)

LUTHER: He crazy. (Laughter and applause.)

THE PRESIDENT: Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen. (Applause.)