中国を横断するヒッチハイクサムズ・アップ・シーズン3（その3/5 (Hitchhiking Across China: Thumbs Up Season 3 (Part 3/5))

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[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: China's a huge place.
The landscape keeps changing.
It goes from vast canyons to sand dunes to, like, these
desolate zombie towns, where there's huge complexes where
there's just no people living there.
Things like that, they make you think about
your position in life.
We go into these towns and these worker bees, these
people are working for pennies doing these huge
construction projects.
I mean, it makes me think about shit.
It's like, I spill paint on these expensive rugs and then
sell it for shitloads of money.
And if I was born in this shithole town and I had to
paint that whole thing and I spilled a drop of paint, then
I'd get fired.
It's fucking crazy.
It's life circumstance.
But I don't know.
Hopefully life on the road, us expressing ourselves through
dance and music and hitchhiking, maybe we'll start
some kind of a revolution.
But probably not.
Let's go.
So we're outside of a town called Xi'an.
It's our next biggest city.
There's a bus.
We're just going to get on.
I guess we're just going to get on.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Let Homegirl know we don't have any money.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: We're drifters.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: We inherently don't pay for rides.
It's against the religion of the road.
No money.
I got a jizz tissue and some dust.
We got to get off?
So mean.
OK, OK.
Shit.
Moving.
You're very cute, you know, in this life.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: All right.
So they were kind enough.
That was a 10-cent ride.
I guess we could have fucking faked it and paid for it.
But sort of goes against my religion.
It goes against everything we believe in at Thumbs Up.
And then--
Look at this.
Jump-- let's go.
Get in.
Jump in.
Squeeze in.
Yeah!
Hi.
Hello.
[CHINESE].
What are your names?
What are your names?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Jiang Ho.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Jiang Ho.
DAVID CHOE: What up, Jiang Ho?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Jiang Ho, what's up, what's up?
DAVID CHOE: What's up?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Hey, ask him if he knows Street Fighter, the
video game.
Street Fighter.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Chun Li.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Does he know Chun Li from Street Fighter?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: All right.
All right.
Thank you.
[CHINESE].
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I've often wondered why Chun Li from
Street Fighter had huge thighs.
Every time I got to take a dump, I got to squat like
this, because all the toilets are squatter-style.
But the chicks, they got to squat every time they got to
pee or shit.
They get the hugest hamstrings and calves.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
HARRY KIM: All right.
DAVID CHOE: Party.
HARRY KIM: Yay.
DAVID CHOE: Party, party, party, party.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Give us a ride, dude.
Be cool.
Be cool.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Whether you give us a ride or you don't give us
a ride, it'll never change the fact--
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: --what a handsome devil you are.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Ah, come on.
Come on.
Come on.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Come on.
Come on.
Get in.
Get in.
Get in.
Get in.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, yeah.
You, sir, are a handsome devil.
I like you.
Yeah!
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Look at that smile.
I want to fucking kiss you right now, man.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Kiss him.
Kiss him.
DAVID CHOE: No, you kiss him.
I'm not going to kiss him.
[LAUGHTER]
You're the best.
One, two, three.
Go!
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
[EXCITING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: We're in Xi'an.
It's our first big city after Beijing.
I got the shits.
Had to take a dump, and I had a accident on my shirt.
We came out.
These guys looked pretty cool and hip.
The dude with the orange hair, he looks like a freak, so we
just sat down and ate with them.
We had a delicious meal.
It turns out they're punk rockers.
They're in a rock band called Echo Rush.
We're giving them massages right now.
They're going to go out and party tonight.
So you guys ready to rock?
Yeah?
All right, let's do it.
Echo Rush.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: I love this guy.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: Echo Rush.
We fucking rock China so hard.
China!
Fucking love China.
I come to China, and the fucking
girls have little mustaches.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I like it.
I fucking like it.
I saw it, and I was fucking scared.
I was scared when I saw the mustache, and now I
fucking love it.
Do you know how to love?
Do you love, or do you fuck?
MALE SPEAKER: Yes, I love.
DAVID CHOE: Who do you love?
What's the last name?
HARRY KIM: Do you fuck?
DAVID CHOE: Do you know what love is?
Do you know what love is?
Do you know what love is?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: You're the lead singer.
You should fuck everybody.
Fuck everybody.
MALE SPEAKER: OK.
DAVID CHOE: There's no time for love.
There's no time for love.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Don't be a bitch.
Fuck everybody.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Fuck from China all the way to Russia.
MALE SPEAKER: You can help me?
DAVID CHOE: I'll help you.
HARRY KIM: Oh god, you can do it.
DAVID CHOE: I'm not that shit, but I'll do it for this guy.
All the fucking Chinese bitches with mustaches, I'll
fuck them all.
I love this guy.
[COUGHING]
DAVID CHOE: That's not water.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I'll be right back, OK?
DAVID CHOE: So we're still in Xi'an.
It's a city that's known for the Terracotta Warriors.
And this guy, I can't travel with this guy if he looks like
shit all the time.
So we're going to get him a haircut right now.
I don't know.
There's not much we can do with it.
But let's go check it out.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Sausage party, all you can eat.
That's what last night was.
With the good-looking dudes in a rock band.
And once again, it took Harry to show rockers how to rock.
My band, KGB, Koreans Gone Bad, with my brother Harry, we
formed this shit years ago.
We get on stage.
The guy writes a song.
It goes, ching chong China, ripping a vagina.
I mean, I know I get pissed at Harry sometimes.
I know I yell at him.
But you know what's worse in life than being mad
and pissed at Harry?
It's not having Harry in your life.
So today I'm going to treat Harry to a day at the spa.
Get a haircut.
This is what you call traditional-style
Chinese bowl cut.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: All right.
HARRY KIM: Hey.
DAVID CHOE: Look good, man.
HARRY KIM: Hey.
DAVID CHOE: Remember that baby we saw in that little village?
We want this haircut on this guy.
All right, we're going to do Harry up one up
better than this one.
Yeah, finish it off.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: So in the entire hair salon, Harry's getting
his hair cut by the one girl that is not certified, and has
never done a haircut before.
We think she's the receptionist.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: She's a little nervous right now.
DAVID CHOE: Oh, don't be nervous.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: If you guys are bored watching this, how about
we read this girl's shirt while Harry's
getting his hair cut?
It says--
HARRY KIM: OK.
Here, man.
DAVID CHOE: I know Harry hasn't been picking up too
much road pussy on this trip.
That's all about to change after this haircut.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
HARRY KIM: Oh.
Hey.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Oh, excuse me.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Would you ever date a guy
that his this style?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: You like this kind of look?
No?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: The irony being, she's not into guys that have
this kind of style.
But the fact is, Harry would fuck her better than any
fucking guy she's ever been into, better than any of them.
And she'll never know that pleasure, because she's
judging him.
HARRY KIM: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You will never know.
You will never, ever, ever know.
You will never know.
You will never, ever know.
Sorry, Harry.
I tried.
HARRY KIM: It's all right.
[HONKING]
[SHRIEKING]
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: How-how for Echo Rush, whose favorite drummer
is Usher's drummer.
Total sweetheart.
Total cutie.
He let us stay, the whole band and crew, at his grandmother's
house last night.
And then even better, their fucking tour
driver, Jacob, aka Hong--
hi.
JACOB: OK, hi.
DAVID CHOE: Echo Rush just finished their tour, so he's
heading-- what's that city?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I can't pronounce it.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: And it seems to be south, so he's nice enough to
give us a ride.
Jacob?
JACOB: OK.
DAVID CHOE: You're on the road a lot with these punk bands.
So is it lonely on the road?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I mean, those guys in that
band were pretty young.
When you're giving a ride to all these young bands, are
they annoying?
Do they get on your nerves?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: So since he's all over China, does he have like
a girlfriend in every city?
There's a lot of girls on the road?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Road pussy.
Road pussy.
Jacob, you know what I said, come on, man.
The girls everywhere, all over China.
Road pussy.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Called Mimis.
Called Mimis.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, Mimis.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Do you have a girlfriend?
Are you married?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: See, they're-- he's separated right now.
DAVID CHOE: Oh.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Oh, wait.
So that's very interesting.
Jacob, I've been in a very long relationship myself also.
But the road kills all.
In the end, you can only choose one--
love or the road.
If you love the road, that will destroy any
relationship you have.
And if you choose love, you get love, but you have to stay
at home and be boring.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: Because that's why after five
years they did separate.
He chose the road.
DAVID CHOE: Jacob, the road destroyed me.
The road destroyed Harry.
Or not us, but our love lives.
But in the end, after the dust settles, we're
totally gay for the road.
So it doesn't matter.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: He says he chooses the road as well.
DAVID CHOE: Oh, yeah!
JACOB: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, dude.
JACOB: Fuck you.
Fuck you.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID CHOE: The road is long and hard, like Harry's shit
this morning.
But we just got the longest ride on
Thumbs Up China so far.
In my experience of all my years of traveling, when you
get rides like this, people either pick you up because
they want you to keep telling them stories to keep them
awake while they're driving, or they want to spill all
their shit on you, like you're a roadside psychiatrist, and
they confess all their sins.
Jacob, my main man, did what few drivers
usually let you do.
And that is sleep.
And I mean, we've done everything to offer this guy--
cigarettes, Red Bull, coffee.
He is a fucking driving machine.
And I just wanted to ask, because we're almost to the
town he's going to drop us off in, does he have any words of
wisdom or advice that he would like to give to us?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: He says, my good words to you are that
there are beautiful bitches waiting ahead for you.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah!
Yeah.
All right.
JACOB: Fuck you.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID CHOE: It's another beautiful day in China.
Thumbs up, China.
Thumbs up, everybody.
There's more rides to be had.
There's more fun to be had.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Dude, we got one of the best rides we've
ever got in our life.
True road warrior, down for the road, ride or die shit.
Fucking Jacob.
JACOB: Fuck you.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID CHOE: Longest ride.
Drove us out.
Think we're along the Yellow River right now.
It's pretty dirty.
I think some rare dolphin went extinct in it.
We're also spending more time out in the sun.
And I was thinking we're getting darker, and the
Chinese girls out here like pale skin, so that might be a
problem too.
We're going to cross this river right now,
head in that direction.
Thumbs up, China.
Let's keep rolling it.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Hi.
More, more.
Oh!
Oh!
Hit that fool.
Hit him.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh, hit that bitch.
Oh!
Oh.
I like the dude on the left.
Yo Harry, I got $100-- oh!
Fuck yeah, dude.
Oh!
Oh.
My money's on Harry.
My money's on Harry.
Go.
Oh, come on, you pussy.
Bash that shit, dude.
Oh.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Come on, honey.
Let me touch you.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Are you guys in a bike gang?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah?
What's the name of their gang?
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: They don't have a name.
They just fucking roll.
They spin around.
DAVID CHOE: That's cool, man.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: He wants to know if
we want to go somewhere.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, of course, dude.
As far as he'll take us.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Ride or die.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, come on, man.
Come on, man.
Let's ride.
[HORN HONKING]
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, China.
Harry's balls are touching his back.
My balls are touching his back.
Life doesn't get better than this.
Thumbs up, China.
[HORN HONKING]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
This is my makeshift cooking show.
I'm going to show you how to eat really healthy and
nutritious on the road.
What is that?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Baby chick.
DAVID CHOE: OK, one.
One.
Just one.
One.
One.
Some baby birds.
Little baby canaries, like Tweety Bird.
Eat that shit, dude.
How is that?
HARRY KIM: Mmm, it's good.
DAVID CHOE: It's good?
HARRY KIM: Mm-hmm.
DAVID CHOE: How's the flavor?
HARRY KIM: A little spicy.
DAVID CHOE: It needs a little something?
HARRY KIM: It needs a little something, though.
Mm-hmm?
DAVID CHOE: You want to put something on it?
HARRY KIM: Yeah, let's put something on this thing.
DAVID CHOE: All right.
This is the candy man.
He takes whatever you want, and he makes it into candy.
Like that Iggy Pop song.
B-52s.
(SINGING) Candy, candy, candy.
So we got these chickens.
They taste like shit.
But there's like this thing that they have in LA, like the
Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
It's, you got some chicken, and you got some sweetness,
some sugar.
It's that same concept.
So we got a baby little pigeons, and we're going to
caramelize them with some sugar, and have chicken bird.
This guy thinks we're a fucking moron, but we're going
to have tasty treat.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: And lettuce.
Yes, yes, yes.
Lettuce.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's crunchy on the inside, and crunchy on the outside.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Crunchy crunch.
Oh!
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: This is Chinese style, ancient Chinese style.
Fucking delicious.
Oh my god.
All right.
Mmm.
Mmm.
That shit is good.
Cabbage, cabbage pops.
This is fucking real eating.
This is some gangsta shit right here.
You want one?
Want one?
Yeah.
Some gangsta shit.
This is healthy for you.
HARRY KIM: Healthy for you.
DAVID CHOE: It's delicious.
Yeah!
Dude, that's the best spinach you're ever going to eat in
your whole life.
Your dad's never going to give you spinach like that, never.
Eat that shit, dude.
Mmm.
That's some good shit.
[CHINESE].
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]