- I have waited to hear you say that for 30 years.

- If you hurt my Jackie,

I know someone who will reach up inside you

and turn you inside out.

- [purrs]

- No, not in the good way.

- Thank you.

- Gracias. [coins rattle]

Mi amor, you look beautiful.

- I know.

- Queerly beloved, we are gathered here

under this extremely harsh lighting

that I wouldn't wish on my evil twin sister--

she should rot in Hell--

to unite these two "men"...

In holy matrimony.

And now, I believe that both Jack and Estefan

have prepared their own vows. Jack?

- Estefan, you know me well enough to know

that I have prepared nothing.

- It's true, I know that.

- For months, all I've ever talked about

was having the perfect wedding.

I wanted it to be the greatest moment of my life.

And now, standing here, looking in your eyes...

- [exhales]

- I know I got exactly what I wanted.

This is perfect.

- Flight 201 to Dallas, Fort Worth,

has been moved to gate 63.

- Like I said, perfect.

You are the love of my life.

Te amo.

- Te amo siempre, Jack.

[off-key]

- [nose honks]

- No, no, no.

- It's going to be okay, McCoy. - No, it's not.

We're going to break up, and I'm going to

have to go back to dating underwear models

and Bravo executives and Italian soccer stars.

It's going to be hell. - Ah, well, me too.

What with all the part-time piano teachers

and no-show Grindr dates.

I--I totally get it.

How do you keep a relationship going from so far apart?

- You can't. - Unless...

[Estefan continues singing in Spanish]

- Unless what?

- And now, do you, Jack, take Estefan

as your lawfully-wedded husband?

- Maybe everything else was not as I planned,

but this moment is.

All eyes are on me as I say--

- I will! I will marry you, Will Truman!

- [screaming] I knew it!

I knew it!

- Jack, Jack, Jack, you're still getting married first.

I'm dying inside.

- That helps. Let's keep going.

[bright piano music]