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  • Now that I'm back, I was thinking about it today,

  • I feel like I never left.

  • I really think I know this city like the back of my hand.

  • I really do.

  • Yeah, but are you really sure about that?

  • I mean, you haven't lived here in a while.

  • Andy, I don't think that matters.

  • I think, I think nobody knows more about

  • New York City than I do.

  • I think I really do.

  • I think the city's in my blood.

  • Nobody!

  • There's not a single person in the world who could

  • know more about New York City than I do!

  • Really?

  • Yes!

  • Really!

  • Well, Conan, then you should have no trouble passing

  • the just invented New York City Citizenship Test

  • administered by New York's own, the one,

  • the only, Mr. Jon Stewart.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Lovely to see you.

  • Thank you so much.

  • Wow.

  • How are things going in that 1940s gas station

  • you're working in?

  • I'll tell ya, it was going great,

  • but there's been a terrible traffic jam

  • with this giant ginger-haired rat in

  • (laughing drowns out speech)

  • and it has caused a huge back up.

  • I don't know, it's this town, man.

  • Oh, New York City, what can you do?

  • It's this town.

  • New York City is this town.

  • By the way, you don't lose your citizenship of New York

  • when you leave it.

  • You are always, and will always be a citizen of New York.

  • That being said, you don't know shit about this place.

  • And you never did.

  • Never did?

  • And I've got a quiz that I think can prove--

  • You know what?

  • Jon, your quiz does not frighten me.

  • Perhaps it's because you wrote it.

  • So, let's...

  • Let's get to--

  • I might have something to do with it.

  • And co-wrote it, yeah.

  • I'm ready, I'm ready.

  • Same way how I did the SATs.

  • Let's get back into the premise, here we go.

  • Let's get back into the premise, here we go.

  • Conan, I've got a question for you,

  • let's start simple.

  • Okay.

  • Conan--

  • Why do yo look at me when you say simple?

  • That was very insulting what you did.

  • Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • Let's start simple meaning just love between two people.

  • Okay.

  • Conan O'Brien, how many boroughs are there

  • in New York City?

  • Easy, five.

  • (dinging)

  • I'm gonna do this like there's only one

  • question on each card.

  • Yeah.

  • Even though that's not the truth.

  • Yeah, that's okay.

  • Conan, what's the population of Manhattan?

  • Easy, 1.6 million.

  • (dinging)

  • I just wanna make it very clear,

  • no one has any (bleeping) idea how many people

  • are in Manhattan.

  • They don't have any idea, it's a completely made up thing.

  • Alright, what New York City institution

  • holds representatives of more than 193 nations?

  • The F train.

  • (dinging)

  • You do know the city.

  • Now here's one, this is a bit of arcane trivia.

  • He's done very well up to now.

  • Why is the mayor's residence called Gracie Mansion?

  • Because the house was originally the home

  • of early American businessman Archibald Mansion.

  • (dinging)

  • We can edit that one.

  • Alright.

  • I can't imagine what you'll say to this.

  • Where in New York City is the ball dropped every year?

  • City Field.

  • (dinging)

  • Isn't it interesting how quickly

  • a good audience can turn into

  • a meth fueled zombie apocalypse.

  • Complete this New York City proverb,

  • if a crowded subway has one seat free...

  • There you'll find a homeless man's pee.

  • Yes.

  • (dinging)

  • You're getting these all right.

  • Every single one.

  • Name the very famous New York resident,

  • you do this one.

  • Name the very famous New York resident

  • who won the 2016 New York election.

  • Hillary Clinton.

  • (dinging)

  • Right.

  • They turned on you and now they're back.

  • They would've ripped you limb from limb.

  • Honestly, one more New York Mets reference

  • they would've ripped you limb from limb

  • they would've ripped you.

  • They would've and--

  • And lipped me, yeah.

  • And lipped you.

  • Cut out your brains and eaten it.

  • Which I prefer.

  • But now they're back.

  • You knew you were back in New York, Conan O'Brien, when?

  • When I saw Pizza Rat get into an Uber Black.

  • (dinging)

  • Here's a series of questions that I think

  • you'll find very amusing.

  • Okay.

  • Give the appropriate New York response to the following

  • situations, you're almost hit by a cab.

  • I'm walkin' here!

  • (dinging)

  • You're Christoper Walkin.

  • I'm walkin' here!

  • (dinging)

  • You're a plumber applying waterproof sealant

  • to a bathtub?

  • I'm caulkin' here!

  • (dinging)

  • By the way I...

  • Applauding your ability to rhyme.

  • What is the best way to get

  • a child into a Manhattan pre-school?

  • Has the child been born?

  • Yes, he has.

  • It's already too late.

  • (dinging)

  • Now, this one is a little more difficult.

  • Okay.

  • This one is something that is gonna have to be

  • written in red if you're gonna be able to read it.

  • I'm gonna give you a hypothetical news story

  • and I want you to tell me what the New York Post

  • headline would be.

  • Okay, I can do this.

  • Really fake concentrate.

  • Yeah.

  • Trump fires special council Robert Mueller.

  • Bye-bye Bobby.

  • (dinging)

  • Mayer de Blasio mired in a corruption scandal.

  • Mayor McSleaze.

  • (dinging)

  • Thomas Keller's new Vietnamese restaurant opens

  • to poor reviews.

  • Vietnam nom-noms by Tom bomb.

  • (dinging)

  • That was an amazing one.

  • Come on.

  • This is a man who earns millions of dollars.

  • Hundreds of thousands.

  • What is the name of the pastry that combines

  • a croissant with a donut?

  • A cronut.

  • (dinging)

  • What is a croissant combined with a muffin?

  • A cruffin.

  • (dinging)

  • What is an avocado and a waffle?

  • An awful.

  • (dinging)

  • What...

  • Banana bread, a fritter, and a danish?

  • A Fran Drescher.

  • (dinging)

  • We'll take care of that.

  • You won't be seeing that around.

  • Going into the archives.

  • Yeah.

  • By the way that bar no longer exists.

  • This bit's been going on so long

  • I've seen Jon's beard grow while he's here.

  • I'm a Jew, literally I'll have this down to the feet soon.

  • So much faster in rehearsal.

  • Alright, here we go.

  • That's why I should've went to it.

  • Give the definition of these common Yiddish words.

  • Putz.

  • Putz, a jerk or a fool, also a penis.

  • (dinging)

  • Schmuck.

  • A jerk or a fool, also a penis.

  • (dinging)

  • Schlep.

  • To carry or travel with difficulty

  • as in that schmuck schlepped his putz

  • all the way through Prospect Park, also a penis.

  • (dinging)

  • And what, my friend, is the easiest way

  • to kiss up to a crowd?

  • Bring out a legendary comedian,

  • have him ask softball questions about their city.

  • (dinging)

  • That is the way to do it.

  • And with that in mind, with that in mind,

  • Yes.

  • The final question is this,

  • New York City has?

  • The greatest audiences in the world.

  • (dinging)

  • No!

  • Jon, sit!

  • You're not done.

  • What?

  • You're not done.

  • What?

  • You're not done.

  • Not so fast.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Now it's time for Jon to answer a few questions

  • in the just made up time honored,

  • ask Jon Stewart some bullshit questions test, right?

  • Wow.

  • Here we go.

  • Flip the premise.

  • Yeah!

  • Question one, why are you really here?

  • I'm a big fan of the show and would not miss it.

  • (buzzing)

  • Oh, not good.

  • Why are you really here?

  • Plug my upcoming even on HBO Night of Too Many Stars.

  • (dinging)

  • Okay, very good.

  • Jon, when is this event?

  • Well, it's November 18th at 8:00 pm.

  • (dinging)

  • Okay, and what's it for?

  • It's gonna raise money for services and programs for

  • people with autism and their families.

  • Ah, very good, excellent.

  • Jon.

  • Yes.

  • Important question.

  • Alright.

  • Do people know that by donating

  • they can enter once in a lifetime experiences like

  • the chance to be my cohost for an episode of Conan on TBS?

  • Do they know that?

  • They do now!

  • (dinging)

  • Wow!

  • Yeah!

  • Wow!

  • Wow!

  • I get a day off!

  • We all gotta get in on that!

  • That's not right.

  • That'd be great, Andy, if you won that.

  • Yeah!

  • Hey, go to Omaze.com/conan for your chance to enter.

  • It's an amazing, amazing thing.

  • That's not, that's not a question.

  • Oh, I have a question for ya.

  • Finally, Jon, what would the New York Post headline

  • be if you got drunk on Manischewitz,

  • hijacked a train, rammed it into my car,

  • which immediately then caught on fire?

  • I guess it would be J Stew drinks Jew brew

  • rams choo-choo into fender of slender gender bender

  • binge singes cringy ginger.

  • Yes!

  • (dinging)

  • We milked that for all it was worth.

  • Thank you, man, for doing it.

  • Night of Too Many Stars,

  • America Unites for Autism Program airs November 18th on HBO.

  • Thank you.

  • Jon Stewart everybody!

Now that I'm back, I was thinking about it today,

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ジョン・スチュワートがコナンにNYC市民権テストを与える - CONAN on TBS (Jon Stewart Gives Conan The NYC Citizenship Test - CONAN on TBS)

  • 66 1
    陳冠廷 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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