being polite has been central to our

sense of what is required to count as a

good and civilized person. But more

recently, politeness has come under suspicion.

It can sound a bit fake and

insincere and in its own way really rather rude.

We often tend to prefer the idea of

being frank and speaking our own minds.

The rise in our collective suspicion of

politeness has a history. Politeness used to be central

to our education. Etiquette,

books and guides to manners were all

deemed essential. Yet in the late 18th

century, the approach was thrown into

distribute. An alternative romantic idea

emerged, in large part driven forward by the Swiss philosopher

Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who powerfully re-described

politeness as an indication of servility and deceit,

and argued in favor of always remaining true to yourself.

The romantic suspicion of politeness, was

given a further boost by the increasing role of the United States.

being direct and open came to be seen by Americans

themselves as one of their national

virtues and attitude encapsulated in a

climactic line from "Gone with the Wind".

When Rhett Butler turns the scholar to

her and tells her exactly how he sees it

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". And

because America has been the world's

most influential culture for around a

century and a half, its attitude towards

politeness has been widely and

pervasively disseminated around the

planet ever since. Would ultimately

separates the polite from the Frank

person isn't really a knowledge of etiquette.

It's not really about what knife to use

at a formal dinner, when to say please or

thank you, or how to word a wedding

invitation. It comes down to a

contrasting set of beliefs about human

nature. The polite and the frank person

behave differently, chiefly because they

see the world in highly divergent ways.

These are some of the key ideological

issues that separate them.

Frank people believe in the importance

of expressing themselves honestly.

Principally because they trust that what

they happen to think and feel will

always proved to be fundamentally

acceptable to the world. They're true

sentiments and opinions may when voiced

be bracing of course – but no worse. These

Frank types assume that what is honestly

avowed cannot really ever be vindictive,

disgusting, tedious or cruel. in this

sense, the polite person sees themselves

a little in the way we typically see

small children: as blessed by an original innate goodness.

Even the most etiquette-conscious among

us don't usually think that the

strictures of politeness will apply to

the very young. We remain interested to

hear about whatever may be passing

through these diminutive creatures’ minds

and we stay unalarmed by their awkward

moments or negative statements. if they

say that the pasta is yuck

or that the taxi driver is a head like a

weird goldfish, it sounds funny rather

than wounding. The Frank persons trust in

their basic purity erodes the rationale

for editing or self-censorship. They can

believe that everything about them will

more or less prove fine, whatever they

happen to say or do. The Polite Person, by contrast,

proceed under a fervent suspicion of themselves and their impulses.

They sense that a great deal of what they feel and want really isn't

very nice. They're closely in touch with

their darkest desires and consents

they're fleeting wishes to hurt or

humiliate people. They know they're

sometimes a bit revolting and cannot

forget the extent to which they may be

offensive or frightening to others. they

therefore set out on a deliberate

strategy to protect others from what

they know is within them.

It isn't lying as such. they merely

understand that being themselves is a treat

they should take enormous pains to spare

everyone else from experiencing-

especially anyone they claim to care

about. the Frank person operates with a

charming unconscious assumption that

other people are at heart pretty much like them.

this can make them very clubbable and

allows them to create some astonishing

intimacy's across social barriers at high speed.

When they like listening to a particular

piece of music and high-volume, they'll

take it is obvious that you probably do

as well. Because they're very

enthusiastic about spicy food, or never

want to add salt to a dish, it doesn't

cross their mind to ask if you actually

like this restaurant or would favor a

salt cellar on the table. For their part,

the polite person starts from the

assumption that others are highly likely

to be in quite different places

internally, whatever the outward signs.

their behavior is therefore tentative,

weary and filled with inquiries. they

will explicitly checkup with others to

take a measure of their experiences and outlook;

if they feel cold, they're very alive to the possibility

that you may be feeling perfectly warm

and so will take trouble to ask if you'd

mind if they went over and close the window.

they're aware that you might be annoyed

by a joke that they find funny or that

you might very sincerely hold political

opinions quite at odds with their own.

Their manners are grounded in an acute

sense of the gulf that can separate one

human being from another.

The Frank person works with an

underlying sense that other people are

internally for the most part extremely

robust. Those around them are not felt to be

forever on the verge of self-doubt and

self-hatred. their egos are not assumed

to be gossamer thin and at perpetual risk

of deflating. There is therefore

understood to be no need to let out

constant small signals of reassurance

and affirmation. when you go to someone's

house the fact that the meal was tasty,

will be obvious to everyone, not least

the person who spent four and a half

hours cooking it. so there's no need to

keep stressing the point in a variety of

discrete ways. the office junior must

have a pretty clear sense that they're

making the grade without a need to stop

and spell it out. The Frank person assumes

that everyone's ego is already at least

as big and strong as it should be. the

polite person however starts from a

contrary assumption that all of us are

permanently only millimeters away from

inner collapse, despair and self-hatred.

However confident we may look, we are

painfully vulnerable to a sense of being

disliked and taken for granted. all of us

are walking around without a skin.

accordingly, the polite person will be

drawn to spend a lot of time noticing

and commenting positively on the most

apparently minor details.

they'll say that the watercress soup was

the best they've had for years. they'll

mention that work on the Mexico deal was

really helpful too, and was noticed by the

whole compan. they'll know that everyone

we come across, has a huge capacity to

hurt us with what we foolishly and

unfairly referred to as 'small things'.

There will be an associated difference in

how the Frank and polite person behaves

and service context. Frank people don't

feel any great need to express gratitude.

the waiter or the person at the car

car-hire has (they feel) no special need of

kindness on top of the money they'll

already be getting from the transaction.

Yet the Polite person knows that we need

to find respect and a form of love from

our work as much as we need cash. so

they'll be conscious of an additional

need to contribute smiles and a pleasant word or two.

these people are doing their jobs for

the money of course, but payment never

invalidates an equally strong emotional hunger

for a sense of having been useful

noticed and appreciated by another person.

the Frank person is often very kind, but

in a big way. they're interested in

enormous acts of generosity and kindness

towards major sections of humanity:

perhaps the rescue of the whole

continent of Africa or a plan to give

every child in the country an equally

good start in life. But a consequence of

their enthusiasm can be a certain in

patients with smaller moves and gestures.

There's really no point, they may feel, in

spending time and money sending people

flowers, writing notes after a dinner or

remembering birthdays – when a fundamental

transformation of the human condition is

at hand. The Polite also

passionately cares about spreading

kindness, love and goodness on a mass

scale, but they're cautious about the

chances of doing so on any realistic

time horizon. yet their belief that you

perhaps can't make things a lot better

for a huge number of people in the

coming decades< makes them feel that it

is still very much a worthy goal to try

and make a modest, minor improvement in

the lives of the few humans you do have

direct contact with in the here and now.

they may never be able to transform

another person's prospects entirely or

rescue the whole species from its

agonies, but they can smile and stop for 5

minutes to chat to a neighbor about the

weather. their modesty around what's

possible makes them acutely sensitive to

the worth of the little things that can

be done before today is over. the Frank

person has a high degree of confidence

as to their ability to judge relatively

quickly and for the very long-term

what's right and wrong about a given

situation. they feel they can tell who's

behaved well or badly and what the

appropriate course of action should be

around any dilemma.

this is what gives them the confidence

to get angry with whatever strikes them

as stupid and to blow up bridges with

people they become vexed with. the polite

person is much more unsure. They're

conscious that what they feel strongly

about today might not be what they end

up thinking next week. they know how

easily they can get it all wrong.

so they're drawn to deploy softening,

tentative language and holding

back on criticism whenever possible.

they'll suggest that an idea might not

be quite right.

they'll say that a project is attractive

but that it could be interesting to look

at alternatives as well, they'll consider

that an intellectual opponent may well

have a point. They aren’t just lying or

dodging tough decisions.

their behavior is symptomatic of a new

asked belief that few ideas are totally without merit.

no proposals are 100-percent wrong and

almost no one is entirely foolish. they

know good and bad are deviously