Or, as we like to call it

fifty shade of gay.

I had to, I had to...

Honestly, the theaters' the best! Isn't it?

You get to go...

yes! you come to a place like this,

and you see it in the dark for two hours,

and you just escape.

Instead of thinking about your childhood problem,

you watch a childhood fairy tale come to life before your eyes.

And stop stressing about your own relationships,

you watch two people from different parts of the world

fall in love and make beautiful music together.

Instead of worrying about the news today,

you hear about the news of yesterday, delivered by overly attractive, hyper-acrobatic 35-year-old 15-year-olds.

What if life was like that all the time?

What if life were more like theater,

What if everywhere you went,

You heard a band?

[Chuckles]

Wouldn't life be so much sweeter

if you could cue the weather with your hand?

Cool!

And what if all your questions had rhyming answers

and you never left home without your backup dancers

What if life were more like theater?

Wouldn't life be grand?

What if life were tightly written

and divided into nifty little scenes?

You're my whole world.

The world's a pretty big place, Amanda.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's means I'm leaving you.

No!

Mamma mia!

Ha-ha!

And just as you were splitting

your apartment disappeared by unknown means

Thanks, mysterious people in black clothing!

And what if no one thought that there was something strange about a

magical seven-second costume change?

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

And then, apropos of nothing there were crazy dance routines!

What if everyone's diction were crisper

(crisper!)

and secrets were told in a shouted whisper

and the only problems that mattered were your own

Hey you guys want to hear me sing about my problems?

(Yeah!!)

I love my fake friends.

What if everyone took it for granted

that British umbrellas were all enchanted?

Wow! you can hardly see the cables

And, and...

And your next door neighbor was the legendary Patti Lupone!

Hi Patti!

Hi Neil!

What if life were more exciting?

more dramatic, intriguing, intense?

What if every moment were nail-biting

filled with ever-mounting danger and suspense?

And just as you were perched in the most precarious position

you would get a brief intermission.

Phew

Thank, fellas.

Nice crowd

-Eh, I liked the matinée better.

Whatever

Act two!!

What of all of your colleagues were hotties

with freakishly flexible bodies

and none of them needed to sleep or eat or pee

(We don't pee!)

And if one day you feel kinda cruddy

then you stay home and call your under study

Yes! The role of him will now be played by me!

What the...

You know what? I'm feeling better now!

Are you sure? 'Cause I can take the last verse.

Nope, I'm good.

You just sound tired. You just sound tire-

Go away - you threaten me!!

What if life were more like theater

with simple motivation and a plot?

Don't we all wish life were neater?

But we know that in reality it's not

No, life is bleak and brutal and we carry from the cradle

the awareness that it's futile and invariably fatal

we muddle without rest but through the sadness and confusion

we huddle at the cesspit of our sadness and delusion!

Hold on

Hold on!

Leapin' lizards, Mr. Patrick Harris!

Don't be a downer!

This is the tony awards!

and remember,

the sun will come out tomorrow!

Really?

Y'know, you've got a point,

little orphan know-it-all.

But, uh...

Since you're not back on Broadway 'till next fall

Why don't you go,

uh...you konw, find your parents.

Big finish!!

If life were more like theater,

Life wouldn't suck so much!

Life wouldn't suck so much!