(laughter)

Good evening, everybody.

It is an honor to be here at my last -- and perhaps the

last -- White House Correspondents' Dinner.

(laughter and applause)

You all look great.

The end of the Republic has never looked better.

(laughter and applause)

I do apologize -- I know I was a little late tonight.

I was running on C.P.T. --

(laughter)

-- which stands for "jokes that white people

should not make."

(laughter and applause)

It's a tip for you, Jeff.

(laughter)

Anyway, here we are.

My eighth and final appearance at this unique event.

(laughter)

And I am excited.

If this material works well, I'm going to use it at

Goldman Sachs next year.

(laughter and applause)

Earn me some serious Tubmans.

That's right.

(laughter and applause)

My brilliant and beautiful wife, Michelle, is here tonight.

(applause)

She looks so happy to be here.

(laughter)

That's called practice -- it's like learning to do

three-minute planks.

(laughter)

She makes it look easy now.

(laughter)

Next year at this time, someone else will be

standing here in this very spot, and it's anyone's

guess who she will be.

(laughter and applause)

But standing here, I can't help but be reflective, a

little sentimental.

Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone

of our politics.

In hindsight, I clearly should have been more specific.

(laughter)

Eight years ago, I was a young man, full of idealism

and vigor, and look at me now.

(laughter)

I am gray and grizzled, just counting down the days

'til my death panel.

(laughter and applause)

Hillary once questioned whether I'd be

ready for a 3 a.m.

phone call -- now I'm awake anyway because I've got to

go to the bathroom.

(laughter and applause)

I'm up.

In fact, somebody recently said to me, Mr. President,

you are so yesterday; Justin Trudeau has completely

replaced you -- he's so handsome, he's so charming,

he's the future.

And I said, Justin, just give it a rest.

(laughter and applause)

I resented that.

(laughter)

Meanwhile, Michelle has not aged a day.

(applause)

The only way you can date her in photos is

by looking at me.

(laughter)

Take a look.

Here we are in 2008.

Here we are a few years later.

And this one is from two weeks ago.

(laughter and applause)

So time passes.

(laughter)

In just six short months, I will be officially a lame

duck, which means Congress now will flat-out

reject my authority.

(laughter)

And Republican leaders won't take my phone calls.

And this is going to take some getting used to, it's

really going to -- it's a curve ball.

I don't know what to do with it.

(laughter)

Of course, in fact, for months now congressional

Republicans have been saying there are things I cannot do

in my final year.

Unfortunately, this dinner was not one of them.

(laughter)

But on everything else, it's another story.

And you know who you are, Republicans.

In fact, I think we've got Republican Senators Tim

Scott and Cory Gardner, they're in the house, which

reminds me, security, bar the doors!

(laughter)

Judge Merrick Garland, come on out, we're going to do

this right here, right now.

(applause)

It's like "The Red Wedding."

(laughter)

But it's not just Congress.

Even some foreign leaders, they've been looking ahead,

anticipating my departure.

Last week, Prince George showed up to our meeting in

his bathrobe.

(laughter and applause)

That was a slap in the face.

(laughter)

A clear breach in protocol.

(laughter)

Although while in England I did have lunch with Her

Majesty, the Queen, took in a performance of

Shakespeare, hit the links with David Cameron -- just

in case anybody is still debating whether I'm black

enough, I think that settles the debate.

(laughter and applause)

I won't lie -- look, this is a tough transition.

It's hard.

Key staff are now starting to leave the White House.

Even reporters have left me.

Savannah Guthrie, she's left the White House Press Corps

to host the Today show.

Norah O'Donnell left the briefing room

to host CBS This Morning.

Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN.

(laughter and applause)

But the prospect of leaving the White House is a mixed bag.

You might have heard that someone jumped the White

House fence last week, but I have to give Secret Service

credit -- they found Michelle, brought her back,

she's safe back at home now.

(laughter and applause)

It's only nine more months, baby.

Settle down.

(laughter)

And yet, somehow, despite all this, despite the churn,

in my final year, my approval ratings keep going up.

(laughter)

The last time I was this high, I was trying

to decide on my major.

(laughter and applause)

And here's the thing: I haven't really done

anything differently.

So it's odd.

Even my aides can't explain the rising poll numbers --

what has changed, nobody can figure it out.

(laughter and applause)

Puzzling.

Anyway, in this last year I do have more appreciation

for those who have been with me on this amazing ride,

like one of our finest public servants, Joe Biden.

God bless him.

Love that guy.

(applause)

I love Joe Biden, I really do.

And I want to thank him for his friendship, for his

counsel, for always giving it to me straight, for not

shooting anybody in the face.

(laughter)

Thank you, Joe.

(laughter)

Also, I would be remiss -- let's give it up for our

host, Larry Wilmore.

(applause)

Also known as one of the two black guys

who is not Jon Stewart.

(laughter)

You're the South African guy, right?

(laughter)

I love Larry.

And his parents are here, who are from Evanston, which

is a great town.

(applause)

I also would like to acknowledge some of the

award-winning reporters that we have

with us here tonight.

Rachel McAdams.

Mark Ruffalo.

Liev Schreiber.

(laughter)

Thank you all for everything that you've done.

(laughter)

I'm just joking.

As you know, "Spotlight" is a film, a movie about

investigative journalists with the resources and the

autonomy to chase down the truth

and hold the powerful accountable.

Best fantasy film since Star Wars.

(laughter)

Look -- that was maybe a cheap shot.

(laughter)

I understand the news business is tough these

days, it keeps changing all the time.

Every year at this dinner, somebody makes a joke about

BuzzFeed, for example, changing the media landscape.

And every year, the Washington Post laughs a

little bit less hard.

(laughter)

Kind of a silence there.

(laughter)

Especially at the Washington Post table.

(laughter)

GOP Chairman Reince Priebus is here as well.

(applause)

Glad to see you that you feel that

you've earned a night off.

(laughter)

Congratulations on all your success.

The Republican Party, the nomination process -- it's

all going great.

Keep it up.

(laughter and applause)

Kendall Jenner is also here.

And we had a chance to meet her backstage -- she seems

like a very nice young woman.

I'm not exactly sure what she does, but I am told that

my Twitter mentions are about to go through the roof.

(laughter)

Helen Mirren is here tonight.

(applause)

I don't even have a joke here.

I just think Helen Mirren is awesome.

(laughter and applause)

She's awesome.

(laughter)

Sitting at the same table, I see Mike Bloomberg.

(applause)

Mike, a combative, controversial New York

billionaire is leading the GOP primary and it is not you.

(laughter)

That's has to sting a little bit.

(laughter)

Although it's not an entirely fair comparison

between you and the Donald.

After all, Mike was a big-city mayor.

He knows policy in depth.

And he's actually worth the amount of money

that he says he is.

(laughter and applause)

What an election season.

For example, we've got the bright new face of the

Democratic Party here tonight -- Mr. Bernie Sanders!

(applause)

There he is -- Bernie!

(applause)

Bernie, you look like a million bucks.

(laughter)

Or to put it in terms you'll understand, you look like

37,000 donations of 27 dollars each.

(laughter and applause)

A lot of folks have been surprised by the Bernie

phenomenon, especially his appeal to young people.

But not me, I get it.

Just recently, a young person came up to me and

said she was sick of politicians standing in the

way of her dreams.

As if we were actually going to let Malia

go to Burning Man this year.

(laughter)

That was not going to happen.

(laughter)

Bernie might have let her go.

(laughter)

Not us.

(laughter)

I am hurt, though, Bernie, that you've distancing

yourself a little from me.

(laughter)

I mean, that's just not something

that you do to your comrade.

(laughter and applause)

Bernie's slogan has helped his campaign catch fire

among young people.

"Feel the Bern."

(laughter)

Feel the Bern -- it's a good slogan.

Hillary's slogan has not had the same effect.

Let's see this.

(laughter)