字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント - It's good to be back. This is our first show of 2015. And how are the resolutions going? Everybody still on your-- [laughter] Good. I don't see any doughnuts in anybody's hands, so that's-- that's a good sign. You had a nice holiday and all that stuff? Good. I'm happy for you. [laughter] I--do you want to hear about mine? audience: Yeah! - Okay. Okay. I thought maybe you would. I would love to be able to say I had a great Christmas and it was peaceful and restful and jolly and all that stuff, but I would be lying. It was not. It involved high winds and high fevers and packing peanuts. audience: Aw. - I dare you to change the channel now. [laughter] All right, here's what happened. I'll tell you all about it. Portia and I decided we were gonna spend the holidays at home 'cause we didn't want to get-- airplanes, to me, that's how you get sick, so I'm like, "I'm not gonna get on a plane." So we stayed at home, and, of course, I got sick. And so we drove up to our house up north-- not too far north. It's somewhere between, like, Glendale and Santa. And-- [laughter] You'll never find me now. So Christmas Eve, it started to get windy where we were up north, and-- not too bad. It was like--you know, you just saw the trees blowing. [imitates wind whistling] You could hear it like that. And--so it was nice. It was like, "Oh, that's nice. It's windy." And then the winds kicked up to-- and I'm not just saying this as a number. It was 70-mile-an-hour winds. It sounded like a tornado. It was like... [imitates wind gusting] Now I've hurt my throat. [laughter] It was, like, really loud and windy and-- anyway, we go to sleep just thinking everything's gonna be okay. Well, during the night at some point, a big, large, large branch came down and took out a power line, and the whole neighborhood-- Christmas Day, we wake up, whole neighborhood out of power. Merry Christmas, everybody. And so--well, technically, the tree was on our property, so it was our fault, you could say, but Oprah lives in the neighborhood, so I'm blaming her. [laughter] It was Oprah's tree. And so on Christmas Day, we get up and tried to make coffee. No coffee because, you know, no power. I don't want to brag. We have the electric coffeemaker. And so--anyway, so-- and I'm sick. Did I mention that? I'm sick. I'm very sick. And so it's freezing in our house because the heat doesn't work 'cause there's no electricity, so I'm wearing a wool cap and a huge, huge jacket. I look like a Gorton's fisherman. You know, the-- [laughter] So there's no electricity, and so there's no TV, so Portia says, "Let's get the computer out. Let's watch someone on Netflix." No internet. And so we're living like animals at this point. [laughter] Portia's licking my face to keep me from passing out, and-- no, but she did-- you know, she said, "Let's open gifts and we'll feel better. We'll open gifts." And so nice, right? No. Wrong. [laughter] I open the gift that she gives me, and it's a beautiful piece of pottery that I wanted, that I had seen, and when I open up the-- they pack it in Styrofoam-m-- Styrofoam p-peanuts, packing peanuts. I can't say the word without-- I hate Styrofoam. [laughter] And-- it's not a joke. The word-- I'm not gonna say it again. "Packing peanuts" is what I'll call it. And--'cause I don't say "hate"-- I don't--I don't like to hate anything, but I... [voice quavering] hate Styrofoam. And-- [laughter] And cotton balls. I hate cotton balls. [laughter] Those two things I hate. So anyway, so the packing peanuts were everywhere, and I was trying to get the pottery out from the... packing peanuts, and so that's when the electricity-- not the electricity, but static electricity. So my entire body is covered with packing peanuts. [laughter] Covered. And I would try to get them into the garbage bag and do that, and then it would be on the next hand, and then it was just-- literally, it became-- I was covered in this thing that I can't say the name of. And I'm sure I looked crazy, but I couldn't see 'cause my eyes were covered with packing peanuts. So the electricity finally comes back on at 4:30, and I think, "All I want is a hot shower." I'm still sick, I'm very sick, and I just want a hot shower. Sounds nice, right? Well, you see where this is going. No hot water. [laughter] Totally unrelated to the power outage, no hot water. So to recap: It's Christmas. I'm dressed like a Gorton's fisherman, covered in packing peanuts, tears frozen in my eyes. They wouldn't-- just stuck to the sides. And I'm sick, I'm dirty, I'm undercaffeinated. The only good news is, Portia was not sick. She got sick on New Year's Eve. [laughter] So that's a whole nother story. And I feel bad about the whole power going out and everything, but the point of the whole story is, Oprah ruined Christmas. [laughter] That's my point. I'm glad-- I'm feeling better. Everybody's feeling good. I hope that you're all healthy and happy. And let's all start this brand-new year with a dance.