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  • - It's good to be back.

  • This is our first show of 2015.

  • And how are the resolutions going?

  • Everybody still on your--

  • [laughter] Good.

  • I don't see any doughnuts in anybody's hands, so that's--

  • that's a good sign.

  • You had a nice holiday and all that stuff?

  • Good.

  • I'm happy for you.

  • [laughter]

  • I--do you want to hear about mine?

  • audience: Yeah! - Okay.

  • Okay. I thought maybe you would.

  • I would love to be able to say I had a great Christmas

  • and it was peaceful and restful and jolly and all that stuff,

  • but I would be lying.

  • It was not.

  • It involved high winds and high fevers

  • and packing peanuts.

  • audience: Aw.

  • - I dare you to change the channel now.

  • [laughter]

  • All right, here's what happened. I'll tell you all about it.

  • Portia and I decided we were gonna spend the holidays at home

  • 'cause we didn't want to get--

  • airplanes, to me, that's how you get sick,

  • so I'm like, "I'm not gonna get on a plane."

  • So we stayed at home, and, of course, I got sick.

  • And so we drove up to our house up north--

  • not too far north.

  • It's somewhere between, like, Glendale and Santa.

  • And-- [laughter]

  • You'll never find me now.

  • So Christmas Eve, it started to get windy

  • where we were up north, and-- not too bad.

  • It was like--you know, you just saw the trees blowing.

  • [imitates wind whistling]

  • You could hear it like that.

  • And--so it was nice.

  • It was like, "Oh, that's nice. It's windy."

  • And then the winds kicked up to--

  • and I'm not just saying this as a number.

  • It was 70-mile-an-hour winds.

  • It sounded like a tornado.

  • It was like... [imitates wind gusting]

  • Now I've hurt my throat. [laughter]

  • It was, like, really loud and windy and--

  • anyway, we go to sleep

  • just thinking everything's gonna be okay.

  • Well, during the night at some point,

  • a big, large, large branch came down

  • and took out a power line, and the whole neighborhood--

  • Christmas Day, we wake up,

  • whole neighborhood out of power.

  • Merry Christmas, everybody.

  • And so--well, technically, the tree was on our property,

  • so it was our fault, you could say,

  • but Oprah lives in the neighborhood,

  • so I'm blaming her.

  • [laughter]

  • It was Oprah's tree.

  • And so on Christmas Day, we get up

  • and tried to make coffee.

  • No coffee because, you know, no power.

  • I don't want to brag.

  • We have the electric coffeemaker.

  • And so--anyway, so-- and I'm sick.

  • Did I mention that? I'm sick.

  • I'm very sick.

  • And so it's freezing in our house

  • because the heat doesn't work 'cause there's no electricity,

  • so I'm wearing a wool cap and a huge, huge jacket.

  • I look like a Gorton's fisherman.

  • You know, the-- [laughter]

  • So there's no electricity, and so there's no TV,

  • so Portia says, "Let's get the computer out.

  • Let's watch someone on Netflix."

  • No internet.

  • And so we're living like animals at this point.

  • [laughter]

  • Portia's licking my face to keep me from passing out, and--

  • no, but she did-- you know, she said,

  • "Let's open gifts and we'll feel better.

  • We'll open gifts."

  • And so nice, right?

  • No. Wrong.

  • [laughter]

  • I open the gift that she gives me,

  • and it's a beautiful piece of pottery

  • that I wanted, that I had seen,

  • and when I open up the--

  • they pack it in Styrofoam-m--

  • Styrofoam p-peanuts, packing peanuts.

  • I can't say the word without--

  • I hate Styrofoam.

  • [laughter] And--

  • it's not a joke.

  • The word-- I'm not gonna say it again.

  • "Packing peanuts" is what I'll call it.

  • And--'cause I don't say "hate"--

  • I don't--I don't like to hate anything, but I...

  • [voice quavering] hate Styrofoam.

  • And-- [laughter]

  • And cotton balls. I hate cotton balls.

  • [laughter]

  • Those two things I hate.

  • So anyway, so the packing peanuts were everywhere,

  • and I was trying to get the pottery out

  • from the... packing peanuts,

  • and so that's when the electricity--

  • not the electricity, but static electricity.

  • So my entire body is covered with packing peanuts.

  • [laughter] Covered.

  • And I would try to get them into the garbage bag

  • and do that, and then it would be on the next hand,

  • and then it was just-- literally, it became--

  • I was covered in this thing that I can't say the name of.

  • And I'm sure I looked crazy, but I couldn't see

  • 'cause my eyes were covered with packing peanuts.

  • So the electricity finally comes back on at 4:30,

  • and I think, "All I want is a hot shower."

  • I'm still sick, I'm very sick,

  • and I just want a hot shower.

  • Sounds nice, right?

  • Well, you see where this is going.

  • No hot water. [laughter]

  • Totally unrelated to the power outage, no hot water.

  • So to recap: It's Christmas.

  • I'm dressed like a Gorton's fisherman,

  • covered in packing peanuts, tears frozen in my eyes.

  • They wouldn't-- just stuck to the sides.

  • And I'm sick, I'm dirty, I'm undercaffeinated.

  • The only good news is, Portia was not sick.

  • She got sick on New Year's Eve.

  • [laughter]

  • So that's a whole nother story.

  • And I feel bad about the whole power going out and everything,

  • but the point of the whole story is,

  • Oprah ruined Christmas.

  • [laughter]

  • That's my point.

  • I'm glad-- I'm feeling better.

  • Everybody's feeling good.

  • I hope that you're all healthy and happy.

  • And let's all start this brand-new year

  • with a dance.

- It's good to be back.

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A2 初級

エレンの休日 (Ellen's Holidays)

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    ziv に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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