-[laughter]

A good night's slaughter, little brother.

-75 peasants.

[burp]

And I haven't finished yet.

-Bravo!

-I got myself a take away.

[cowering]

[laughter]

I can't wait to see that bother of mine.

He's been in America for far too long.

And I bet his children know what real evil is.

-And that's because their dad's a real vampire.

-Dad, you are going to behave yourself

when Uncle Ivan gets here, aren't you?

Remember, no peasant hunting.

-Oh no, Vlad.

The moment Ivan arrives, we're going

to paint this town very, very red.

[laughter]

-Maybe I should tell mum to get Bingo on this.

-What are we going to do, Robin?

Between my dad and Ivan, they're going

to rip the throats out of half of Stokely tonight.

-Maybe Ivan's changed.

My dad was a right [inaudible] when he was younger.

-Your dad.

-Yeah.

Mum said his library books were always overdue.

-I'm afraid you're clutching at straws.

Even now my stuffing runs cold thinking

of Ivan and his cruelty.

Saturdays were the worst.

That was the throw the hellhounds off

the battlements day.

-[groan]

I don't why we're getting dressed up.

My cousin's going to think I'm a real geek.

Oh, very funny.

[haunting noise]

-What just happened?

-It's the castle playing tricks.

Once dad's lived somewhere a while,

it takes on his evil personality.

DRACULA:Vladimer!

-I've got to go.

-Ah!

[growl]

-Don't start with me, all right?

[growl]

[creak]

-[snoring]

[grunt]

Jonno, I told you never to wake me like that.

-There's something going on up at the castle.

-What?

-I don't know.

Dad!

I can sense it.

Here.

-Like a twisted feeling.

You know what this means?

-We shouldn't have eaten that Chinese?

-No.

You've got it.

The Slayer's instinct.

It's--

[sniff]

It's what separates the great ones from the rest.

Jonno, I'm proud of you, son.

-Hope it's not just wind.

[fart]

-Well, he's Ivan the Terrible, all right.

Ivan the Terrible time keeper.

Where is he?

-Evil as great as his cannot be hurried.

-Well, perhaps he's decided not to come.

Warmoth's nice this time of year.

-Silence!

[sniffing]

He approaches.

Children, prepare to meet your uncle-- Ivan the Bloodthirsty,

devourer of souls and blackhearted butcher of--

-Yo, big bro!

Come and give me a hug.

-Ivan?

-The name's Harvey now.

Ivan's so old country, don't you think?

-But you're different.

You've-- you've-- you've got a suntan!

-It's out of a bottle.

But it gets rid of that pasty look

mom and pop were so fond of.

You should try some!

Guys, you've got to be Vlad, Ingrid.

High fives!

OK, maybe later.

Meet your cousin.

Olga!

Mean

-Your grace.

-Charming.

-Yuck.

Please.

-And this is Boris.

Heh heh.

He has a few personal contact issue.

He's shy.

-Great Another loser.

-Silence, Ingrid, or I shall feed you to the gargoyle.

Anyway, time's wasting, brother.

You must be hungry!

Let's go hunt some peasant.

-Ah.

Heh heh.

There's no easy way to break this to you, bro.

I don't do present anymore.

Gave up the red stuff a while ago.

Blood free since '93.

I drink soy substitute.

All of the goodness and none of the badness.

-Oh, I see it now!

This is all some terrible joke!

[laughter]

-[nervous laughter]

-[cackling]

-Isn't it, Ivan?

-I'm sorry, bro.

And it's Harvey.

-I can't reach the next foothold.

-Close your eyes, Jonno.

Put your trust in that instinct of yours.

-Ah!

-It's just a matter of practice.

Quick.

Take cover!

-Take our guests in and cancel the feast.

We'll eat tomorrow!

SERVANT: Yes, master.

-Son, your instincts were right.

They're going to feast on those so-called guests.

-What are we going to do?

-We're going to save them.

-Help!

Help!

Help, it's-- it's trying to kill me.

-I only said, good evening, Master Boris.

-Boris, this is Zoltan.

He's just my stuffed wolf.

ZOLTAN: Stuffed hellhound, if you don't mind.

-See?

-He's about as lethal as a fluffy cushion.

-Ha.

Can a fluffy cushion do this?

[growl]

-You're not helping.

You OK now?

-Are you kidding?

This skanky old castle is totally creeping me out.

Your driver has, like, boils.

And you don't even have cable.

-I'm sorry.

We're not all lucky enough to be living

blood-free in a beach side condo.

-Lucky?

I'm turning 16 next week and I still

have to go through my-- "transformation."

That's not lucky.

-Transformation.

So that's why you're here.

Why did your dad tell you about it?

-Not enough.

I keep having nightmares where they lock me in a room

and this huge black snake eats its way out

of my head through my ear, sucks up my brain, and takes me over.

-Or maybe they'll just give you a certificate.

-Yeah, right.

-Fun being a vampire, isn't it?

-You yanks are such a letdown.

Shift.

-Kiss my cape.

-I see.

-The Miss Goody Twoshoes routine is just an act.

Pathetic.

-You're the one who's pathetic.

The count can't bear you, but he already

thinks that I'm charming.

And so does my dad, which is exactly where I want him.

Because when I'm 16 and I get my powers, bam.

He's history and I take over.

-Yeah, well, you don't scare me.

-No?

I ought to.

I could make your life a misery around here.

Uncle Count, I went [inaudible] fang.

Would you like me to show Ingrid how?

-Stupid.

I'll just tell them all what you're really like.

-Go ahead.

Who will believe you?

You're the nasty one and I'm nice.

Now get off my bed.

[ding]

-Hi, Ingrid!

Did your cousin [inaudible] I'll let myself in, then.

[growl]

-Uh, and you're saying that my dad just

used to pick you up and throw you off the battlements?

-One-handed.

-Heh.

Hm.

[grunting]

-[sigh]

-Do you want a hand?

-No.

I'm fine.

-[sigh]

Uh?

-[groaning]

-And this is the son of Ivan the Bloodthirsty?

-It's Harvey now.

-Apologies, master.

Please don't rip out my intestines

and throw them to the rats.

-Why would I do that?

-You used to.

-[laughter]

Old days, old ways, my friend.

Come on, Boris.

Time we did some prep for your transformation.

-Maybe later, dad.

-Now, Boris.

Hey, Vlad.

How you doing?

-I'm fine.

-Really?

Come on, shoot.

What's on your mind?

-Well, you know you live blood-free.

-Yeah?

-Can all vampires do it?

-You betcha.

It's all about finding inner peace.

Why?

You interested?

-Oh, definitely.

For the first time, I can sort of imagine becoming a vampire.

The whole blood thing is not me.

The only problem is--

-My brother?

-He's not big on inner peace.

But--

-I could convert him?

He's a tough cookie.

But I'm always ready to spread the word.

Why don't we work on them together?

I bet this time next week, we'll have him sipping soil blood

Martinis in a pair of Bermuda shorts.

[steel drum music]

-I think it may take a bit longer than a week.

-I thought we agreed.

That's my bed.

-Yeah, well I-- I've changed my mind.

Tell me again about that plan to slaughter your dad

and take over the family.

If I don't, are you going to hit me again?

-What?

-Oh no.

Ingrid, please don't.

-Stop it!

-Ow!

That really hurts!

Do you really think I'm that stupid I'll let you record me?

Don't try and fight me.

You ain't good enough.

-This isn't funny anymore.

Let me in!

Whoa!

Excellent.

I think.

Uh oh.

[deep laughter]

-So I said to the guy, give me two blood Martinis,

but hold the blood.

[laughter]

-Ah, breakfast, masters?

I've prepared a full selection of vermin.

Or if you prefer a lighter bite, a choice of rare birds.

And of course, my signature dish-- ow, oh, oh-- rancid fox.

-Oh, sorry.

Didn't I mention?

I'm vegetarian.

-I wasn't [inaudible] They're more gristle than meat.