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  • ♪♪

  • -Let's get to the news.

  • According to a new report,

  • House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy

  • has hired former President Trump's

  • White House political director Brian Jack

  • to help Republicans win back the House in 2022,

  • though it's unclear if Jack can recapture the magic

  • that helped Trump lose by eight million votes.

  • After Senator Bernie Sanders criticized him

  • on Twitter last week for his multibillion-dollar fortune,

  • Tesla founder Elon Musk tweeted,

  • "I am accumulating resources to help make life multiplanetary

  • & extend the light of consciousness to the stars,"

  • and then, he coughed for like five minutes straight.

  • [ Laughter ] New York representative Tom Reed

  • was accused last week of sexual misconduct.

  • Okay, well, that's strike one of,

  • apparently, thirty?

  • Britain's Queen Elizabeth is reportedly set

  • to appoint a diversity czar, after Duchess Meghan Markle

  • accused the royal family of racism.

  • Because, when I think,

  • "sensitivity to the disenfranchised,"

  • I think "czar." [ Laughter ]

  • According to reports, several young White House staffers

  • have been put on probation or fired,

  • due to past marijuana use.

  • So, if anyone asks,

  • this is just tobacco.

  • Calms him down, makes him less likely to bite.

  • Virginia Commonwealth University's basketball team

  • was pulled out of the NCAA March Madness tournament

  • over the weekend,

  • after several positive coronavirus tests.

  • And I don't want to brag, but I

  • totally had that in my bracket.

  • Six Flags announced that it will reopen

  • its theme parks in California next month.

  • When asked if it was safe, they said,

  • "I mean, as safe as we've ever been."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • A wax museum in Texas

  • recently removed a statue of former President Trump,

  • after it was repeatedly punched and scratched by visitors

  • and -- this is weird --

  • as well as by the other wax statues.

  • [ Laughs ] A representative

  • from a sex toy company said, in a new interview,

  • that the next generation

  • of artificial intelligence sex robots

  • will have sensors in erogenous zones that respond to touch.

  • So, introducing...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Today was World Water Day, so,

  • shout-out to my hose! [hos]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Scollins!

  • Ruins World Water Day.

  • And, you know, he thinks he's very clever, but, uh...

  • I saw how you spelled the joke.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, officials in Cambridge, Massachusetts,

  • recently approved plans

  • for a cannabis cookie store in Harvard Square.

  • So, if you go to Harvard and you love weed,

  • I bet your dad also went to Harvard?

  • [ Laughter ] And that was the monologue, everybody.

  • And I know what you're thinking -- "Whoa, whoa, whoa!

  • You didn't show that clip of Biden tripping

  • on the stairs to Air Force One.

  • If Trump had tripped like that,

  • you would've shown that clip for a month."

  • And you know what?

  • You're right. [ Laughter ]

  • We would've done that.

  • So, fine, here's the clip of Biden tripping.

  • I mean, he did run for president

  • like eight times before he won, so,

  • obviously, he's going to stick with it,

  • no matter how many times he trips.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In the interests of equal time...

  • -Whoops. [ Laughter ]

  • -Stand by.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ten thousand known or suspesked --

  • -♪ It's fun to stay at the

  • YMCA

  • -You know what? I think

  • our Trump clips are a little longer.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We'll fix that for the repeat.

  • It's interesting. I feel like

  • they're the opposite with stairs and COVID.

  • Like with COVID, Trump took no precautions.

  • Biden took every precaution.

  • But on stairs or ramps, Trump's super careful...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...always holding the railing,

  • going real slow.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Whereas, Biden throws caution to the wind,

  • trips upstairs three times.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, it's interesting, you know,

  • it just shows we all contain multitudes.

  • ♪♪

  • White House advisors are reportedly set to present

  • a two-part $3 trillion jobs and infrastructure proposal

  • to President Biden this week, which seems to me

  • like a huge overreaction to a couple of broken stairs.

  • Got to love him respecting the rule of threes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • While testifying last week

  • before the Senate,

  • Republican Senator Rand Paul criticized

  • infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci

  • for continuing to wear a mask

  • after receiving the coronavirus vaccine.

  • But that's insane. We're in a pandemic.

  • Fauci is an epidemiologist.

  • If you're at the zoo and you see the lion keeper running,

  • you run!

  • According to a new report, since President Biden took office,

  • CNN has lost 45% of its prime time audience

  • to its biggest competitor --

  • a good night's sleep.

  • That's right, news outlets are seeing a slump in ratings

  • after former President Trump left office.

  • Yeah, of course, and the Weather Channel

  • always takes a hit after hurricane season is over.

  • Nobody ever yells, "It's sunny and 75!

  • Quick! Turn on the TV!" [ Laughter ]

  • Russian President Vladimir Putin

  • received the coronavirus vaccine today.

  • He wanted to do it weeks ago, but they had to wait

  • for the healthcare worker's hand to stop shaking.

  • Vice President Kamala Harris today swore in

  • former Boston Mayor Marty Walsh as Labor secretary.

  • Walsh's first planned action as secretary

  • will be to remove the letter "R"

  • from [Boston accent] "labah."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Former President Trump yesterday endorsed the primary challenger

  • for Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger.

  • And he would love it if Brad could help

  • find enough votes for that guy to win.

  • A Pennsylvania couple is receiving attention online

  • after converting a former school

  • into an almost $2.4 mansion, which was all well and good

  • until the students returned from remote learning.

  • "What the hell?!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The art studio's a bathroom?!"

  • [ Laughter ] A group of former

  • "Jeopardy!" winners and contestants

  • recently published an open letter calling on producers

  • to remove talk show host Dr. Oz as guest host,

  • which is a shame.

  • If anything, Dr. Oz needs

  • more access to the correct answers.

  • [ Laughter ] Congress is reportedly

  • considering a ban on menthol cigarettes.

  • Well, at least this storming of Capitol won't be so bad.

  • [ Breathing heavily ] "Ugh! So many stairs.

  • Let's just -- I think we'll just go home.

  • Let's write a letter?"

  • According to a new study, eating breakfast before 8:30 am

  • may lower the risk of developing diabetes,

  • but it doesn't count

  • if you're out drinking until then.

  • Today was National Agriculture Day, so,

  • shout-out to my hoes.

  • [ Laughter ] Scollins, again.

  • Back-to-back days.

  • Turns in the same joke.

  • ♪♪

  • White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said on Monday

  • that President Biden and former President Barack Obama

  • still talk on the phone regularly.

  • And it always starts the same way.

  • [ As Obama ] Joe, uh...

  • this could've been a text.

  • [ As Biden ] It's not the same!

  • [ Laughter ] Senator Ted Cruz

  • criticized Democrats yesterday

  • for their response to recent gun violence.

  • Apparently, he was upset that, during a time of serious crisis,

  • Democrats didn't even try to go on vacation.

  • In her defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems,

  • former President Trump's ex-lawyer Sidney Powell argued

  • that her claims to invalidate the 2020 election

  • were not based in fact.

  • And I just can't believe we were lied to

  • by the fake-head lady from "Total Recall."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was announced yesterday that Regal theaters

  • will begin reopening early next month

  • and will show the new movie "Godzilla vs. Kong."

  • And I got to say, I didn't realize, until just now,

  • how much I missed walking out of movies.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • A teacher in Britain was recently suspended for two years

  • after he said his female students dressed like

  • "prostitutes and Kardashian clones."

  • And then, another year for adding,

  • "I meant it as a compliment.

  • [ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] Tip of my cap."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What am I doing?

  • I can do a British accent and I choked on it twice.

  • [ Laughs ] "Tip of my cap!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Legendary director Steven Spielberg is set

  • to direct a semi-biographical movie about his life,

  • while legendary director Woody Allen

  • did a bunch.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The creators of "Sesame Street"

  • introduced two new Black Muppets yesterday

  • to help facilitate discussions of racism and Black identity,

  • which means Kermit may finally have to admit

  • that it's pretty easy being green.

  • Champion free diver Alexey Molchanov

  • broke another world record last week,

  • after diving approximately 262 feet on a single breath.

  • Even more incredible, this guy is still holding his breath

  • for the Supreme Court to overturn the election.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Got bad news from you from fake-head lady.

  • [ Laughter ] Florida recently banned

  • the importation of non-native reptile species.

  • Said one man,

  • "What if we're already here?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Convenience store chain 7-Elevens --

  • [ Laughing ] 7-Eleven.

  • Convenience -- Guys. Convenience store --

  • Stop moving the cards, Wally.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Convenience store chain 7-Eleven announced yesterday

  • they will partner with Laredo Taco

  • to open a drive-through at a location in Dallas,

  • though it sounds more like they're partnering

  • with the police on a DUI roadblock.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, today was National Cheesesteak Day.

  • Celebrate by taking a Whiz.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Three days in a row from Scollins.

  • A turkey.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We got to say -- I mean, again, I think if you're --

  • you know, if you're one of our loyal viewers,

  • Mike Scollins, for three days in a row, has written a joke

  • about whatever national day it was.

  • And, now, you have to tune in tomorrow

  • to see if he can get four in a row.

  • The rare hambone, I believe it's called.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, hopefully, for Scollins, tomorrow is

  • National Hacky Joke Day. [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • President Biden