-I am so thrilled to be here tonight.

-I'm happy that you are here.

-You know, of all the shows that are on at 11:35,

this certainly is one of them.

[ Laughter ] -Thank you.

-And I haven't seen you since you sang "Danny Boy"

at Jeffrey Epstein's funeral.

[ Audience ohs ]

Really, that was moving.

And it's surprising that the tape has gone "missing."

[ Laughter ]

But congratulations on "Cats."

[ Laughter ]

-I wasn't in "Cats."

-That's why I'm congratulating you. You weren't in "Cats."

You're very lucky. [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

But I adore this man so much. -Yeah.

-And I've always been on your -- Even when you were kicked off

Twitter, you know, for hate speech,

I still stood by you, you know.

-Yeah, you always do. You always have.

-And you know, we have these great dinners and he tells --

Tell them what you were telling me backstage,

why you think that urinal dividers

take the fun out of urinals. What's that about?

[ Laughter ]

Why do you feel that, Jimmy?

-I want to say I love you and happy new year.

[ Laughter ]

I'm always happy that you're here.

-Well, happy new year to you. -Yeah.

-And you look good.

-I was going to say you look -- -No, no, no, no, but I mean it.

[ Laughter ]

No. No. -Do I really?

-You're late night's baby Yoda.

[ Laughter ]

You're so cute and adorable. I saw you --

When I came on I said,

"What's Timothee Chalamet guest-hosting for?"

[ Laughter ]

-No, you look fantastic.

-No. No, I'm ravaged by time, but I accept that.

[ Laughter ]

I said to your director -- I said,

"Can you do that reverse technical aging

that they did on 'The Irishman'"?

He said, "No, it's not that advanced."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, I am 69 years of age now.

-Are you really?

-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

And it hasn't affected my life except that I no longer

put an angel on top of the Christmas tree

because it feels like foreshadowing.

[ Laughter ]

-Awesome.

-Steve Higgins is the hippest man in show business.

I love Steve. -Yeah, we love Steve Higgins.

[ Cheers and applause ] We love you.

-You know, even if I didn't know his name was Steve,

I'd still think it was Steve Higgins.

[ Laughter ] -I know.

Congratulations. You just became a grandfather.

-I became a grandfather. [ Cheers and applause ]

For the first time.

-Look at how cute. -Theodore Andrew Short.

Look at that. [ Audience aws ]

-Oh, my goodness.

-He's got my son's eyes, my daughter-in-law's hair,

and my height. -Oh, that's fantastic.

[ Laughter ] -It is so.

It's unbelievable feeling to be a grandfather, you know.

-What is it like?

-Well, you know, once again you're changing diapers.

You're helping with feeding.

It's like being on the road with Steve Martin.

[ Laughter ]

-Would you ever want your grandson

to go into show business?

-You know, I -- Yes. Yeah.

I push -- No, listen, some people would say,

"I pushed my kids into show business.

They didn't want to do it, but I --"

You know, because you can't imagine how expensive it is

to bribe someone to get your kids into community college.

-Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ]

-No, I never wanted to spoil them.

I never gave my kids things like toys and money or vaccines.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

Oh. Hey, let's talk about -- you know what? Award seasons.

-What did you call me?

-No, let's talk about -- [ Laughter ]

The award season is happening.

Award season is happening right now.

Have you seen any of the movies, the Oscars?

-Well, first of all, I love Adam Sandler.

-Me too. -You know, and I was shocked

that he was not nominated for "Uncut Gems."

-Yes.

-Which by the way, correct me if I'm wrong,

isn't that the nickname for your penis?

[ Laughter ]

-Oh! Hey-oh! [ Cheers and applause ]

-Thank you so much.

-No, unfortunately, it's "the Irishman."

[ Laughter ]

Do you have a nickname for your penis?

-Yes, unfortunately now "Dolittle."

[ Laughter ]

-Ow! Ow! Ow!

-"Cats" was the worst film I have ever seen, I must admit.

-Really?

-Halfway through that film, I wanted to neuter myself.

-Oh, my gosh, yeah. [ Laughter ]

-Even PETA said, "Okay, you know what?

Let's put that cat to sleep."

-Put it down. -Yeah.

-How about "1917"?

-1917, that's what the age range of Leo DiCaprio's girlfriends.

You know that? [ Audience ohs ]

-Before we talk about the --

[ Laughter ] Before we talk about --

-I did some writing for this one.

-No. -Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

-Before we talk about the tour,

I want to talk about you're in a new animated film on Netflix.

-Yes. -Called "The Willoughbys."

-"The Willoughbys." It opens this spring with

Ricky Gervais, the fabulous Ricky Gervais

and Maya Rudolph. -Yeah.

-Will Forte. -You guys are great together.

-It's pretty good. It's a very funny movie.

-And you did that while you were on tour with Steve or...?

-I did that while I was on tour with Steve.

Steve and I are -- We're always kind of on tour.

We do four shows, five shows a month, then we take time off.

-You change the title a lot to your shows.

-We do.

You know, it was called originally

"An evening you'll forget for the rest of your life."

-Yeah, I remember that. [ Laughter ]

-Then it was called "Now you see them, soon you won't."

[ Laughter ]

And now it's called

"The funniest show in town at the moment."

And, of course, I wanted to call it "two for the price of three,"

but everyone said that sounded greedy.

[ Laughter ]

-You're playing Florida. -Yeah.

-You're playing Sarasota on the 23rd.

Clearwater, Hollywood, Florida, Melbourne, Florida.

-Everything that you just said is absolutely correct.

[ Laughter ]

It's almost like -- It's almost like you're reading it.

[ Laughter ]

But, you know, I worry about going to Florida.

You know, the audiences are older, and Steve is so pale,

I'm afraid they're gonna assume that --

look at him and assume they're crossing over.

-Yeah, oh, my God. Yeah, you got to be careful.

You got to be careful.

-You know, the show's at 8:00 p.m.

For Florida, you know, for older audiences, they're saying,

"Why in the middle of the night?"

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

-He's an odd fellow.

No, he's one of the great geniuses,

and it is the light of my life

that I get to work with him every show.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Well, you are the light of my life, and I love you so much.

Martin Short, I love you so much!

You see what I did? Martin Short, everybody.