LYDIC: Welcome to Fading Dreams,

Candidate Reintegration Center.

Here at Fading Dreams, we help former presidential candidates

like you integrate back into society

and learn how to talk and act like a normal person.

You don't need this, right?

Looks great without it. Look.

LYDIC: We'll help you with that difficult transition

from candidate to just some person.

Just like you, I want a health care system

that works for all Americans...

rich and poor.

CHIENG: Sir! Sir!

I just asked you what you want for lunch.

Oh. Um...

I'd like the burrito.

Very good.

Next?

Burrito!

LYDIC: Our award-winning program

will teach you how not to be a weirdo.

So just because I have a baby

doesn't mean you need to kiss it.

-But I need the photo op. -Oh, no, no.

Uh-uh. No, you don't.

Remember? You dropped out of the race

because you were polling below Bill de Blasio.

Remember that?

Yeah, no.

(grunts)

No!

Our candidates stay in secure dorms

which are regularly checked for contraband.

-What's this? -That's...

That's not mine.

Oh.

That's how you want to play this, huh?

Maybe I should read you your poll numbers.

No! I'll be good.

-One percent among likely voters. -Oh, gross.

At Fading Dreams, we're able to turn political has-beens

into their political has-best selves.

But don't just take our word for it,

listen to some of our satisfied clients.

Fading Dreams taught me I don't have to shake hands

with everyone wherever I go.

I still do, but that's just because I love shaking hands.

It's a separate problem I'm working on.

Fading Dreams taught me I didn't have to be president.

They also taught me how to make some cool macaroni art.

It's a kitty.

LYDIC: At Fading Dreams, we'll put you on the road to recovery

and the results, they speak for themselves.

Mmm. Corn.

I love corn.

This corn looks so good.

I...

I... I don't want to eat corn.

WOMAN: But what about the voters in Iowa?

(bleep) Iowa.

(gasping)

Yeah.

(bleep) Iowa.

Ha-ha.

Robert?

You're cured.

-Ah. -(applause)

Johnson! Johnson!

ALL (chanting): Johnson! Johnson! Johnson! Johnson!

So come to Fading Dreams.

We'll make you normal again.

MAN: We need more guys like you in charge.

You're right. I'm gonna run for president.

God damn it.

Take him down.

Hey!

(cheers and applause)