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  • ♪ ♪

  • LYDIC: Welcome to Fading Dreams,

  • Candidate Reintegration Center.

  • Here at Fading Dreams, we help former presidential candidates

  • like you integrate back into society

  • and learn how to talk and act like a normal person.

  • You don't need this, right?

  • Looks great without it. Look.

  • LYDIC: We'll help you with that difficult transition

  • from candidate to just some person.

  • Just like you, I want a health care system

  • that works for all Americans...

  • rich and poor.

  • CHIENG: Sir! Sir!

  • I just asked you what you want for lunch.

  • Oh. Um...

  • I'd like the burrito.

  • Very good.

  • Next?

  • Burrito!

  • LYDIC: Our award-winning program

  • will teach you how not to be a weirdo.

  • So just because I have a baby

  • doesn't mean you need to kiss it.

  • -But I need the photo op. -Oh, no, no.

  • Uh-uh. No, you don't.

  • Remember? You dropped out of the race

  • because you were polling below Bill de Blasio.

  • Remember that?

  • Yeah, no.

  • (grunts)

  • No!

  • Our candidates stay in secure dorms

  • which are regularly checked for contraband.

  • -What's this? -That's...

  • That's not mine.

  • Oh.

  • That's how you want to play this, huh?

  • Maybe I should read you your poll numbers.

  • No! I'll be good.

  • -One percent among likely voters. -Oh, gross.

  • At Fading Dreams, we're able to turn political has-beens

  • into their political has-best selves.

  • But don't just take our word for it,

  • listen to some of our satisfied clients.

  • Fading Dreams taught me I don't have to shake hands

  • with everyone wherever I go.

  • I still do, but that's just because I love shaking hands.

  • It's a separate problem I'm working on.

  • Fading Dreams taught me I didn't have to be president.

  • They also taught me how to make some cool macaroni art.

  • It's a kitty.

  • LYDIC: At Fading Dreams, we'll put you on the road to recovery

  • and the results, they speak for themselves.

  • Mmm. Corn.

  • I love corn.

  • This corn looks so good.

  • I...

  • I... I don't want to eat corn.

  • WOMAN: But what about the voters in Iowa?

  • (bleep) Iowa.

  • (gasping)

  • Yeah.

  • (bleep) Iowa.

  • Ha-ha.

  • Robert?

  • You're cured.

  • -Ah. -(applause)

  • Johnson! Johnson!

  • ALL (chanting): Johnson! Johnson! Johnson! Johnson!

  • So come to Fading Dreams.

  • We'll make you normal again.

  • MAN: We need more guys like you in charge.

  • You're right. I'm gonna run for president.

  • God damn it.

  • Take him down.

  • Hey!

  • (cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

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薄れゆく夢。候補者再統合センター|デイリーショー (Fading Dreams: Candidate Reintegration Center | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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