adopted so for example

we go to the doctor and ten years old

when others there to see the doctor not me and with her

and he says to me how come you don't look like your mother

and i look at my mother

and look back at the doctor

and my mother says

all that's our little secret

and i'd like to turn it back

you know being adopted was a secret

and

so from that moment on

there was that cloud of

we don't talk about this secret

so the class shin so there's

there were some ways that she would

always remind me that i was adopted and treatment wise

at one time felt so disengage very emotionally as a mother that was a young

child

not knowing i called her roots later first name

etc everybody else did auntie ruth and uh...

season in the journey is look like hand area

so there's always that

touchy subject of this is an adoption situation we don't talk about it

i grew up in southern california

they grew up in mentor

pericles the coast

you can see the ocean everyday windows

one other

is very talented woman

she was concentrating thinks

paintings

pottery ceramics shift starting at

uh... wedding

catering business and ventura

my father

has been electrician's

for southern california edison

man he

started that job on their first married and he retired from that job in nineteen

eighty-three

so they treated me

the only way they knew how to parent

good things about things i think that the curiosity

that you mentioned

really kicked in at age eleven i remember my mother sitting on her bed

and i guess hearn that had a fighter something and uh...

she just are crying

and i'd felt that i have i head deep compassion for her so i'd loved her

and that little voice in my head you know my soul to said she's using you

know

she's using your minute down

through that

that spiritual that little voice

you need to leave

it's not the healthiest place for him

sun nineteen seventy-six i'd go back to california for a visit

was living in utah at the time

and my mother went

and got out of the closet

her special paperwork that she kept on ice

which was the petition of adoption in a medical document should my mother's

signature my biological mother signature on it

and so they write very good for maintaining would still be a morass

sold then i had a name so from that

for the next

umpteen years next twenty years

i was always searching in the same

loneliness it just would never leave

for a functional family or a mother for mafia not a mother but my mother

when i got married

answered searching more silence search intermittently

searches with resurface at certain intervals loneliness was the biggest one

uh... might get lonely

the state

he's emptiness that they could satisfy even i had

has been uh... me monthly installments

at three wonderful children

so it just would evan flow

all tied into loneliness continously could never feel that

so it's a point when i found

i was twenty years old

for whatever reason that they i sat down

and i read the newspaper and by that everyone in the newspaper not just

picture two picture two headlines that headline and subtitles

i literally went through and i read every word that newspapers has saved it

but it didn't

somewhere back in the community section

i found this little itty-bitty wine and cheese when interests at stake

and it said the search triad

and it was just if you know if you look if you're separated by eod bam divorce

saurabh foster care

or adoption contact in his number

that one in chat

is what got me started

there which is what they did is they try to find another first

and because that was produced nothing then they go after the mail main if

there's one and i had my brother's name on his mind identifying information

confirmed there i called him

talk to his fiance

slim mitigating phone number of of an uncle

and he talked to maintain keep falling on my mother was misusing mental

institution california

and that the never faced

so that's how i met my mother

it was very surreal

it was not likely you'd expect comforting

a bit discomfort ng

uh...

and i say that because

when you need a mentally ill person

they have boundaries two sitting in a wheelchair unite came up from behind it

was my brother in industry slowing in sweden trying

uh... himself

by just sat down on this little brick wall that's not right next to her

so from that moment

i was happy but i knew

inside i was very calm

there is very respectful and canine didn't think she is mentally ill all

she was funny she was articulate

sheeting journal ourselves you know she let go she's just an old woman sitting

in a wheelchair and i think she was happy

she was the jolly is

old lady that ever met init when we went away from that meeting

likening my husband

you know it was like she is happy she is happy than your adoptive mom and nine

other my dr mun had everything in the world that she would need

and she was not happy

whistle sylvia

who lived on the streets for twenty years

had these two children had sent them away to live with an uncle padmini gave

me out

this is a happy when not that she was happy about those things

but she knew how to live in a moment and that's what made her happy

dot

tennis shoes yesterday cuz

it was on the induction paperwork on that there were two children and adults

or nearby

seen by seven years and he may nine years

and the arpa wendell who had made contact with on the phone

told me about lord james she's also a mental institution

but in a separate facilities

for whatever reason

something happens and

uh... i don't know the event but i think what happened was that she

what came home stone on something

she's calling on the floor like a dog threatening another

saying he should be afraid of me

solicitous of his home at the time

it's also the call the cops

pop singer

i think she got into the mental institution

system in california is never left

just gross

religions

has a meeting laura jane was just

possibly take

i wasn't prepared

victim to meeting with laura jean

i was prepared

you don't study for this kind of thing

it was a joy to be able to communicate with her

so we went to leave at least for hours and i gave her a big hug goodbye

purchases okay a one you know and she runs over to her little brick wall and

sits down and then she starts

doing this dislike recently spent

and so i just i walked by i start to get emotional

because i've always wanted a sister hollings

and i was one of the older sister because i wanted some of the rescue me

and

she couldn't do that for me

but i can do something for her

slow

time walking out and getting a lot of the sinking

i'm walking out of this double gated compound

here's a hundred three residents

i'm overwhelmed

with what these two days of rotten in my life

and

just as i'm not ready to hit the gate

she jumps up

runs overtraining in his name big kiss big hug

salim breaks

and i can tell you something that was really

or someone on there

it was my sister

so here i am

i have a mentally ill mother

i have a normal brother

and i have two sisters and i always wanted

so it's like

survive might do with this

you know controlled by process of but as i walked out those dates

dot

on a new

with an instant

that if i had been left in there

i would not be alive today

telling you that bennett age forty three

and it's not one of those

storage a makeup in your head in

you because a lot of books i've read a review on site another novel reader

or as normal self help reader

nine new at that moment

beyond anything else

that i would have not survive in that family

and that's why i was adopted that's why i was put up for adoption

and then put into this other family

you know that family was complicated

and difficult

the lord new i could survive

and that's what he gave me took me from one

infamy in another and that's what i call god's safety net adoption

i'd

feel grateful very grateful

but i'm more grateful

cuz now i got to meet them

made me cry

story so huge

you know to share just little snippets it's it's hard

someday i'll write all this down and have a lot of it written down

but i do not sharing the story psychiatry she being able to

take the time to ask

because it's not easy subject

especially cuz mental illness in

drug use and

unwanted pregnancies and things like that

additional

for certain

that this is not a story i could have written

or even dreamt of

and my entire life is an adoptee

could have never fathom

that this would be the result

what god has given me

and

i know without a shadow of a doubt

that god is in everybody's life

and he guides our paths

and

it's amazing

where the staff has taken me

and i'm so grateful for it