This week's Music Monday is the Alien Debut edition with EXO-K's 'Mama'

[music]

WOOOOAH!

After 10,000 teasers and prologues and singles that aren't really singles but feel like singles. . .

EXO has finally debuted with their first single, which I actually consider their third single.

I get it. SM was trying not only to build up hype for their new band,

but also tell mini-stories that lead up to their debut video.

Which is a pretty bad-ass explanation of EXO's roots.

Which, in brief, is this:

EXO are not actually boys but 12 forces which protect a tree.

From what?. . . I don't understand what it is.

My guess? Intergalactic lumberjacks or a hoard of hungry space beavers.

Except, that doesn't sound as impressive when I say it.

Where's Morgan Freeman's voice when you need it?

[Morgan Freeman impression] "And thus, came the penguins, walking."

"And I make this sound interesting when it really isn't."

And these 12 forces have taken on the shape of young, slim, good-looking Korean boys!

Which, when they're not protecting Tree of Life on their free time,

join together in union to practice singing and dancing.

I get it! Bet it'd be hella boring to just stand around and protect a tree all day!

It's like, "Look!! I've got the power to create a fire eagle!"

"But I should just stand around and protect the tree!"

"Hey guys! Look! Look at my fire eagle! Look! Look! LOOK!"

"Oh shiii* almost burned down the tree. Gotta go"

[godly boom voice] You twelve are banish-ed to Earth for almost burning down Tree of Life

"Oh man! Earth is so laaame!"

[GBV] Accept your punishment with more dignity than that you whimpering Korean boy!

Okay! So Before we go any further into this video about EXO's mythology,

we've got to point out something that's REALLY been nagging us.

I NOW understand why Super Junior has had such lackluster videos lately.

In which they just dress well and dance in oddly lit rooms over and over again.

It SEEMS that SM has been saving all of their money for EXO,

and have been neglecting Super Junior as a result.

Seriously. I get it SM.

Super Junior is already well-established with a HUGE fanbase

that will blindly love everything Super Junior does no matter what it is.

So SM knows that they don't have to spend a lot of effort with Super Junior.

But, I still personally feel that SM should have spent a LITTLE bit of that budget from

EXO's 25 teasers and 3 music videos, on just beefing up Super Junior's videos a little bit.

"Ok guys! Listen up. Heechul! Pay attention. Shindong, hey."

"Um, for todays' music video we're gonna have you guys in an oddly-lit room, um, and we're gonna get- oh!-

we're gonna get the slo-mo camera! Ooo, sparkly! Slo-mo camera! Great!"

"What? We already did that for our last music video aaand, we already used the slow motion camera a lot."

[clears throat]

"Shindong come here."

"Huh?"

[scary demon voice! D:] "I will beat you by the SOLES of your feet so that NOBODY can see the bruises."

"Let's see you dance THEN lover boy!"

"I'm sorry!!"

"That's right. Okay everyone! Costume, places!"

Okay! Back to the song and video!

We totally LOVED this song! This really brings SM back to the music that we really love from them.

Not electro, club, rap mash-ups, but instead, something EPIC!

And this song is so super epic!

With the semi-Latin chanting in the background!

And the tension building violin riffs!

At least that's what I think.

Though Simon still likes the SONG, he's still really enamored by E-X-O's first single,

or their debut-debut, their prologue-prologue-prologue. . .

And still, 'rippido, flippido, super slow-motion' loses his pants on a daily basis.

[Simon background performance] Iiii lost my miiiiind!!!

As for me, my rock roots can't help but alert me to the striking similarities this song has to Led Zeppelin's 'Cashmere'

or Puff Daddy's 'Come with Me' featuring Jimmy Page.

I mean, it's DIFFERENT, but it's pretty SIMILAR, but I'm not saying I don't like the song.

I'm just saying that my rock roots alerted me.

But, perhaps that's just because I'm old.

And DYING. Dying of oldness, and dying for

a Viva Puff [the cookie?]

Raspberry! [It has raspberry filling!]

Now, as we were saying before in our understanding of their mythology,

EXO used to be 12 forces that protected Tree of Life.

Not THE Tree of Life, but Tree of Life.

But, being young boys, they obviously fooled around with their super powers

until they almost burned down Tree of Life.

So, their MAMA kicked them off their planet, onto the parallel universe,

planet Earth, to teach them a lesson.

At first, when EXO arrives on Earth, SOME people don't really care about MAMA's warning.

While OTHERS, have taken MAMA's scolding to heart.

Especiallyů

This guy.

He looks the most depressed to be off of Planet EXO.

He's all, like, sulking in the middle of the desert,

Sitting on a lawn chair,

making angry tornadoes and catching butterflies for Skyrim.

At least, I hope he's the one who's responsible for that tornado,

and not just some random dude about to be mowed down by a class six while he runs around chasing butterflies.

Otherwiseůyour lack of any spider senses

are about to get you killed.

Meanwhile, the other fire Exotics and transportation Exotics are still fooling around with their powers very irresponsibly.

Yooo, bro! What's up?

Ugh! Can you stop fooling around with your stupid Death Eater transportation powers?!

This is what got us kicked off the planet in the first place!!!

Pfft! Jealous bro?

Ugh! What kind of lame power doesn't(?) teleport 3 feet? That's so dumb!

I can transport more than 3 feet you know!

Pssh! Yeah, prove it.

Fine! I will!

Sucker.

[emotional breakdown]

NO ONE WHO CARE ABOUT ME!!!

Uhhhh, this is AWKWARD.

WHO SAID THAT?!

Eyyy, yo bro!

Ugh. Gooo awaaay.

Oh come on! I'm really really bored! Play with me!

It is this kind of irresponsible Death Eater transportation that got us booted off the planet in the first place.

Gooo awaaay.

Oh God you're so boring.

Ooo butterfly, ha ha ha!

[emotional breakdown continues]

[emotinal breakdown continue] Still crying ey loser?

DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME!!!

[incomprehensible scream]

I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!

Haduken!

-Yooo -Yoooo

-Yooo, cool transportation-ness bro. -Nice sunglasses.

-Thanks, good bros think alike. -Yeeeeah.

Hey! Remember how I almost burnt down Tree of Life with my awesome fire burn?

Yeah.

Well, there's another member, about to be in a lot more trouble.

-With MAMA? -That's right!

What did he do?

[secret whispers]

-I know! -Let's go, let's go!

Okay!

Kai, dude!! You know that's permanent right?!

Sidenote:

You know who transports into a puff of black smoke?

Death Eaters! That's who!

Think about the implications.

"You're a wizard EXO!"

Okay, so apart from the slightly confusing super power

part in the video, we gotta admit, this video was really freakin cool-looking.

I want the burn the fire shoes when I walk.

I want the fire shoes.

Seriously, this video is exceptionally well done and exceptionally

Awesome!

From the special effects, dancing, the amazing set changes.

But we were a little bit weirded out with the part with Kai I think his name is, and he's covered in tattoos

and like screaming violently at the camera.

Now, sometimes we complain about like random rap sequences that are thrown into songs.

But, I think this is the first time we've ever complained about a face-tattoo, up-close, screamo guy.

It just really snuck up on me out of nowhere, and I personally, really love heavy metal.

I know, you're like, "She likes heavy metal?"

But I do! I totally love heavy metal.

I think maybe if this was already a rock song, then it would've fit in perfectly.

But it was just kind of like,

"Woah! Korean Mike Tyson yellin' at me."

But within the context of this video, it was a little bit awkward.

Sorry Kai(Bai Bo)

[music]

This dance was just AMAZING.

These guys must have been training REALLY REALLY hard because they are almost in PERFECT unity when dancing.

I would personally say that some of the members are a little bit better at dancing than others.

It's not that the other people are BAD dancers, It's just that a few of them really kind of popped out for me.

What I really liked about this dance was that it had a very like crisp, robotic feel to it.

Like when they started the invisible lawn mower.

Or when they threw their tiny invisible umbrella to the ground.

But then, it would suddenly become soft.

Almost like the robot had lost all its bones and just kind of like, melted away into a fluid movement.

Like when they were serving up pasta!

I thought it was really cool.

Also! Don't think I didn't notice your drive-by crotch caress,

Cuz I saw it!

I just really loved all the dances in the video.

And I was so happy that they had lots of little dances, rather than one dance that was kind of repeated over and over again.

My only request?

Never ask me to learn any of this dance,

because I will fail so miserably.

[music]

As for the English of the song, EXO gets aů.

Whomping ZERO out of Five.

Well, if SM didn't spend as much on Super Junior as they did on EXO for their video department,

They at least were fair enough to spend the same amount of money for the English lyric writing department.

Which is, f*** all, zero dollars.

SM, if you DID pay somebody to write those lyrics for you in English, you should probably call them and get your money back.

No surprise here. Allow me to read it to you.

"Careless careless Shoot anonymous anonymous "Heartless mindless no one who care about me?"

I didn't make that up.

Good googly goo, what the hell is this?!

Also, those ads at the bottom of your video, which you've embedded which nobody can ex outů

Come on! 'Genie is the music service for smartphone'?

(What's that even mean?)

I think they're trying to say that this is an application for your phone.

(What does it mean by service? Like-)

The music service-I don't even know!

[with accent] Genie is the music service for smartphone!!!

Who is this ad directed to?

If it's for Korean people, then write it in Korean!

If the ad is for English-speaking people, than I can tell you that I sure as hell will never download that app.

If there's this amount of Engrish just in the advertisement, I can't imagine how unusable that app would be.

Really, that is a very unprofessional ad.

And, even though the beginning animation sequence was AWESOMELY animated,

and that voice actor was top notch,

Don't let the National Geographic voice trick you into thinking that this actually makes sense.

Here it is, read in a normal voice, so you won't be tricked.

"When the skies of the ground were 'wumble' legends through their 12 forces nurtured the Tree of Life"

Really, I listened to this like 3 times,

WUMBLE legends is the only thing I could hear.

"An eye of redforce created the evil which coveted the heart of Tree of Life and the heart of slowly grew dry"

"To attend and embrace the heart of Tree of Life the legends hereby divide the tree in half and hide

each side, hence time is overturned and space turns askew" ???

I wanna cry.

Now, using mythological language SOUNDS cool,

And I can put together what they're TRYING to say,

But maaan, this sure was difficult for me.

I kept on feeling like I ALMOST got what they say,

But then something goes in there and I'm like,

"Now I lost you again"

All together, from the intro narration, to the Latin chanting, to the obnoxious ad at the bottom of the video,

this song and this video gets an epic 0 out of 5.

Or should I say in Latin terminology,

[Latin gibberish] Nihilo nigwingweh Expecto Patronum outev Vů

Cuz V is five in Latin.

[music]

For last week's Gibberish edition we asked you which band had the worst Engrish.