Those are the skills of relationship:

selection and connection.

And you've got to find a way to constantly improve

the amount of joy, passion and nourishment that's happening within you and for the

person you're in a relationship with.

If you want to have not just a lover,

a husband, a wife,

a boyfriend, a girlfriend, whatever your language is,

if you want more than that, you want a raving fan.

A raving fan is somebody, if you were going to use a business metaphor, since there are so many

business owners in the room...

satisfied customers leave.

I'll say it again: satisfied customers leave.

If they get a much better deal, a much better opportunity,

they'll leave.

But a raving fan customer never leaves. By giving a metaphor in business:

Apple Computers did everything it could do to screw up

and upset their customer base years ago, didn't they?

In fact, they almost went under,

they didn't make enough software,

and a lot of companies and people who were Apple lovers...

Now, people who use Microsoft:

those individuals

how do you feel--who uses Microsoft products and services? Great.

Then, give me an emotional sound for how you feel about that company. (Boos)

Who here uses Apple products and services? (Cheers)

And I didn't even have to ask them to make a sound. Did you notice that?

Make a sound about Apple products. How do you feel about Apple as a company? (Cheers)

Now, it's only

you know, ten percent of the room,

but almost everybody bood for Microsoft

which has the dominant market place

and they cheer for Apple. The difference is: people who use Apple are raving fans.

Your goal in a relationship

above all else

is you want to make sure that you make this person

who's in your life your raving fan. And there's only one way to do that: worship them.

Not just love them.

You've got to worship them.

If you want to have something that's extraordinary, because that person who is worshipped

is not going to leave in a million years. What makes them know they're worshipped is the following:

you've got to know what do you really want.

Because everyone is different. We all want love, we want the same needs,

but we've got to know what we want.

So, some of you may be saying "Tony, this is all very interesting and dynamic but

I'm single

and

I don't have a relationship." You've got to know how to start. The first step is to decide what's

your vision for what you really want.

What's your vision for what you really want. You can't make something happen until you

get clear. What was the first step of taking something impossible and

making it real?

Focus!

You need a vision. Without a vision, people what?

Perish!

You need a vision for your relationship.

A vision for what is it I really want most in life, what would excite me,

what would light me up?

And I don't just mean a vision of what that person's supposed to look like

and be like,

or what values they have--that could be part of the vision, but also

what is your vision for what this relationship

would create in the world

that would inspire you to be in this relationship.

Because without a vision of what the relationship's going to be,

you're going to settle for whatever shows up.

All you've got to do is get a vision that is so compelling to you,

so exciting and so clear that you get so much emotion you'll figure a way

to make it happen.

You might say, "but I'm already in a relationship."

Well, remember I said the two skills you've got to have are select and connect?

The first and most important selection you're going to make in your life...

Eh, I'll tell you this first.

Ninety-five percent of the happiness you're going to have in life is going to

come from you select as your partner.

So, we're going to get absolutely clear

about what is that you really want because

it's impossible to get there otherwise.

I'll tell you what helped me: if you're brand new and you're single,

the best way to do this is you sit down and you write down every single thing on Earth

you could ever want in the ultimate partner in life. Your ultimate mate. Your ultimate

lover.

Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.

The way you guys would pitch and catch.

What you would do together, how you'd share.

But every detail on a level of specificity that normally you would think is insane

And then you've got to make a second list, I've learned.

And I did this years ago. I made this list

and I read it--it was pretty cool and then I got a relationship. And that in that relationship,

I kind of let it grow because of what most people get in a relationship with. I didn't select

consciously.

What makes a relationship work is things in common.

Similar values.

Similar dreams or goals or loves or desires.

What makes a relationship work is having things in common

because what that gives you is the emotion of certainty

that allows you to open up and connect. People like people who are like whom?

Themselves! So, you like this person

and you have certainly about this person. You have connection with this person

because you have similar-- you have a connection through interests or values

and you have certainty because, "hey, they're like me."

So what makes relationship work is things in common. What makes a

relationship passionate

is uncertainty.

Not knowing and differences!

This is the critical understanding:

can you have both the relationship simultaneously? Yes or no?

Yes, but most people

pursue one aspect of their needs, like in the beginning they want the variety and the

uncertainty and excitement that comes with that.

And this person is so different than me and so it excites me because I'm quiet and they're loud

and intense and playful.

And then they get around them, they go "ooo, I want this forever," and they try to get a hold of this

person and very often try to control them.

And then what they want to do is get this place of connection but also

control, certainty.

And they try to make their spouse, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their husband,

their wife like them.

All their being loud before was exciting; now it's loud.

What they were doing the very beginning.

But now you're irritated by it.

And if you reinforce somebody or you punish them

for being a certain way and try and make them like you, you will have a great friend

and no passion.

And they will never go back to the way they were because

they don't want to lose love or they've been rejected so much

they don't want to be in a place. They start to protect themselves.

There's a way to have both.

It's learning how to honor

those differences and enjoy those differences. Now, some of those you

already honor and enjoy, but if you're gonna honor and enjoy in some areas, some areas are

inconvenient.

You don't like them.

But you've got to learn to love what you didn't like.

Are there some things that are so different than you that they would

destroy a relationship?

Yes, like you have certain values that are the core of who you are and if somebody has

the opposite,

it'd be pretty hard for you to really sustain a quality relationship.

So, the place to start: you make your list of everything you want. Then you make a list of everything

and the second list is--really critical: everything

that you must not have a relationship. Not should not: there's lots of things you'd

prefer not to have, but must not have.

By the way, you can get everything you want a relationship and get two or three

things you must never have and it will be destroyed.

And I'm going to show you that process.

Because even if you're not a relationship, how many would like to have a way

to evaluate whether or not this is the right relationship or not for me?

And it saved my life to have the ability to do that.

But, I'll tell you the first thing I did and i thought everything in my life that

I've ever created...

I went back and did what I asked you to do. What did I create that was impossible? How did I do that?

I mean, think about it: I always started by focusing on what I wanted, not where I was.

Isn't that true?

Only focus on what you want to create. So I said, "OK, am I committed as a

soul to have in a relationship with a woman?

What do I want in that relationship?

And then what can I not have?

I made these lists and I wrote it for about nine or ten pages.

Maybe by the time I was done with them, mixed-up the list was maybe at twelve.

I'm talking about details. Ridiculous details.

And then, interestingly, as I read that

I knew what I had to do because I can look at that list and I did one more thing.

I wrote

what I must have in a relationship:

mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, everything.

What I must not have in a relationship with a woman.

And then my third one was

what kind of man would I have to be to attract that quality of woman.

Instead of saying "how come I don't have this person."

Because, if you focus on the outside,

you'll always be screwed up because you'll always blame somebody else. I went OK, clarity first.

What do I need? What am I committed to? What do I want?

Clarity: what must I be

for that type of person to be in my life?

How many follow these steps?