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  • I've been living in Los Angeles for two years, and I've never been this cold in my life.


  • I will pay anyone here $300 for GORE-TEX gloves. Anybody. I'm serious. I have the cash.


  • Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the


  • United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has


  • been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example

    ここに立って知恵を授けるために 選ばれたのです。私は二度とこれ以上にひどい例を目撃することがないように祈ります

  • of what is wrong with America today.


  • Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things:


  • Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Today, you have achieved something special,

    おはようございます、そして2011年のダートマスクラスの皆さん、おめでとうございます。 今日、あなた方は特別なことを成し遂げました。

  • something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s

    あなたの年齢のアメリカ人の 92%しか知らないこと 大学の卒業証書ですそれは

  • right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the


  • workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.


  • Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would someone have to invent


  • a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.


  • My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair. For

    私の最初の仕事は 人生は公平ではないことを 説明することです冒頭の

  • example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma youll be receiving


  • this weekend. That was great.


  • And Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight.

    ダートマス大学は私にも同じ学位を与えてくれたわ トワイライトの4番目の主役の面接のためにね

  • Deal with it. Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich


  • people on stage get the tent. Deal with it. I would like to thank President Kim for inviting

    ステージ上の人たちはテントを手に入れる それを処理する。を招いてくれたキム社長に感謝したい。

  • me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about


  • the man. He goes by President Kim and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he's Jim Kim, J to the


  • K, Special K, JK Rowling, the Just Kidding Kimster, and most puzzling, "Stinky Pete."

    K、スペシャルK、JKローリング、Just Kidding Kimster、そして最も不可解なのは、"Stinky Pete.&quot。

  • He served as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard


  • Medical School, spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on Global Health


  • Initiatives, won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME Magazine's 100 Most Influential


  • People in 2006. Good God, man, what the hell are you compensating for? Seriously. We get


  • it. You're smart. By the way Dr. Kim, you were brought to Dartmouth to lead, and as


  • a world-class anthropologist, you were also hired to figure out why each of these graduating


  • students ran around a bonfire 111 times. But I thank you for inviting me here, Stinky


  • Pete, and it is an honor. Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know


  • that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in


  • every seat. I did it to prove a point: I am not bright and I have a lot of free time.


  • But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I


  • am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of

    私は名誉学位を取得しています そして、私はトランクに収まるすべての合法的な花火を取得しています

  • my car. You know, New Hampshire is such a special


  • place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought,


  • "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made."

    "Wow, I'm in the state that's next to the state where Ben and Jerry's ice cream is made.&quot.

  • But don't get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously. When I got the call two months


  • ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted

    講演者になることになりました 私は準備をすることにしました あなた方の多くが捧げたのと同じような 強度で

  • to an important term paper. So late last night, I began. I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall,

    重要なタームペーパーにだから昨夜遅く、私は始めたレッドブルを2缶飲んで アデロールを嗅いだ

  • played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser. I think Wikipedia put it


  • best when they said "Dartmouth College is a private Ivy League University in Hanover,

    彼らは"Dartmouth Collegeはハノーバーの私立アイビーリーグ大学であると言ったときに最高の。

  • New Hampshire, United States." Thank you and good luck.


  • To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed


  • in your unique linguistic patterns. In fact, just this morning I left Baker Berry with


  • my tripee Barry to eat a Billy Bob at the Bema when my flitz to Francesca was Blitz


  • jacked by some d-bag on his FSP. Yes, I've done my research. This college was


  • named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa


  • Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of Beauty. Your school motto is "Vox clamantis

    クルスとバルビゾン美容学校の公爵。あなたの学校のモットーは、"Vox clamantisです。

  • in deserto," which means "Voice crying out in the wilderness." This is easily the most

    in deserto," which means " Voice crying out in wilderness." This is easily most

  • pathetic school motto I have ever heard. Apparently, it narrowly beat out "Silently Weeping in

    哀れな校訓を聞いたことがあります。どうやら、それは僅差で"Silently Weeping in

  • Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green,

    Thick Shrub" and "Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants." Your school color is green.

  • and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked


  • it up—"it was the only color that had not been taken already." I cannot remember hearing

    it up-"it was only color that was not had been been been already." I cannot remember remember hearing

  • anything so sad. Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated


  • more great fictitious Americans than any other college. Meredith Grey of Grey's Anatomy.


  • Pete Campbell from Mad Men. Michael Corleone from The Godfather. In fact, I look forward


  • to next years' Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula. Of course,


  • your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. Man, can you imagine

    あなたの最も偉大な卒業生は ティモシー・ガイトナー財務長官です想像できるか?

  • if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


  • ha. Now I know what you're going to say, Dartmouth, you're going to say, well "We've got Dr. Seuss."


  • Well guess what, we're all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss. Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle


  • with saznoozle. In the literary community, that's called cheating.


  • Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don't even think you deserve a real podium.


  • I'm sorry. What the hell is this thing? It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor:


  • Nova Scotia. Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.


  • No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall. Raise your heads high and feel proud.

    いや、ダートマス、君たちは背筋が伸びるべきだ頭を高く上げて 誇りを感じなさい

  • Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older


  • brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows


  • how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who

    パーティーのやり方やダウンベストの着こなし方を教えてくれます。 ブラウンはレズビアンのお姉さんで

  • never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornellwell, frankly, who gives a shit.


  • Yes, I've always had a special bond with this school. In fact, this is my second time coming


  • here. When I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I

    ここにある。私が17歳の時に 大学を見学した時 1980年の秋のことです

  • came to Dartmouth. Dartmouth was a very different place back then. I made the trip up from Boston


  • on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this


  • beautiful campus. No dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur


  • traders in White River Junction. It snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped


  • here for four months. I was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced


  • to eat the fur traders. Still, I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to return.


  • But fate dealt a heavy blow. With no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local commuter


  • school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles River. I was a miserable wretch,

    学校ではチャールズ川の濁った肘の上に 脈打つような痛みを感じていた私は惨めな浮浪者だった

  • and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth?


  • If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside

    もしダートマスに行っていたら 大学時代の少なくとも一部を 外で過ごしていたかもしれない

  • and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.


  • If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I'd be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace


  • thong. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn't


  • know the second verse to "Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that

    の2番目の歌詞を知っている "Dartmouth.Dear Old Dartmouth." Face it, none of you do.You all mumble that

  • part. If I had gone to Dartmouth, I'd have a liver


  • the size and consistency of a bean bag chair. Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today


  • I'd be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.


  • You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address. That's right,


  • I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this,


  • I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech

    画期的な政策を提案しなければならない。ウィンストン・チャーチルは、彼の有名な" Iron Curtain"スピーチをしました。

  • at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American


  • University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth:


  • I call it "The Conan Doctrine." Under "The Conan Doctrine":

    私はそれを"The Conan Doctrine."と呼んでいます; Under "The Conan Doctrine"。

  • - All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master's degrees. All master's degrees will

    - 学士号はすべて修士号にアップグレードされます。すべての修士号は

  • be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white


  • collar prison. - Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival

    襟付きの刑務所。- Under "The Conan Doctrine," Winter Carnival.

  • will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses


  • paid by the Alumni Association. - Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed

    校友会が負担します- あなたのニックネームであるビッググリーンは変更されます

  • to something more kick-ass like "The Jade Blade," the "Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla."

    何かもっとキックアスなものに"The Jade Blade," " Seafoam Avenger," or simply "Lime-Zilla.&quot.

  • - The D-Plan and "quarter system" will finally be updated to "the one sixty-fourth system."

    - D-PLANと"quarter system"は最終的に"the one sixty-fourth system.&quotに更新されます。

  • Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They


  • must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.


  • - Under "The Conan Doctrine," I will re-instate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried

    - コナン・ドクトリンの下で、私はチューブストックを復活させる。そして、私は試みた者たちを罰するだろう。

  • to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a


  • field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock


  • to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don't let those bastards do


  • it. And finally, under "The Conan Doctrine," all

    と書いてあります。そして最後に、"The Conan Doctrine,"の下に、すべての

  • commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to


  • get childish applause, will be forced to apologizeto the greatest graduating class in the history


  • of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules! Besides policy, another hallmark of great


  • commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like "reach for the stars." Well today, I

    開始のスピーチは、深い、深遠なアドバイスのようなものです " reach for the stars." Well today, I

  • am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you


  • real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next


  • few years. - First, adult acne lasts longer than you

    数年は- まず、大人ニキビが長続きするのは

  • think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.


  • - Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.

    - みんな、これは重要なことだ。

  • - Here's another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings

    - ここでもう一つ。ラーメンばかり食べていると、気持ちが萎えてしまう。

  • in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.


  • - And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way

    - そして最後に、あなたの卒業式のローブの下にカラフルなコンバースのハイトップを着用することは素晴らしい方法です。

  • to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan


  • to make with the rest of your life. Of course there are many parents here and


  • I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:


  • - Many of your children you haven't seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to

    - あなたの子供たちの多くは4年間会っていません。さて、今、あなたがしようとしているのは

  • see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn't working.


  • - If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only

    - 子供が美術や哲学を専攻していたら、心配するのは当然です。唯一の

  • place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck

    彼らが今本当に就職する資格がある場所は 古代ギリシャです幸運を祈る

  • with that degree. - The traffic today on East Wheelock is going

    その程度で- 今日の東ウィーロックの交通量は

  • to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle


  • of the K's. And, I have to tell you this:


  • - You will spend more money framing your child's diploma than they will earn in the next six

    - あなたは、彼らが次の6で稼ぐよりも、あなたの子供の卒業証書をフレーミングより多くのお金を費やすことになります

  • months. It's tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera


  • Bread and Mexican drug cartels. Yes, you parents must be patient because it


  • is indeed a grim job market out there. And one of the reasons it's so tough finding work


  • is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their jobs. Trust me on this. Even when they promise you for five years

    高齢化した団塊の世代が 離職を拒んでいるということですこれは私を信じてください。 5年間の約束をされても

  • that they are going to leaveand say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube

    彼らはテレビでそれを言おうとしています - つまり、あなたはYouTubeに行くことができます。

  • right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won't come back. Of course


  • I'm speaking generally. But enough. This is not a time for grim prognostications


  • or negativity. No, I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something


  • real to tell you. Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating


  • class at Harvard. I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left


  • to say. But then 2010 came. And now I'm here, three thousand miles from my home, because


  • I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I'd like to share it with you. In


  • 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that,

    2000年、私は卒業生に"Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that.

  • though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't

    失敗を恐れるべきではありませんが、失敗を避けるために最善を尽くすべきです。 ニーチェは有名な言葉です。

  • kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.

    kill you makes you stronger."しかし、彼が強調することに失敗したのは、それがほとんどあなたを殺すということです。

  • Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.