about a bodybuilder in Rochester, New York,

named Willie Murphy.

A burglar broke in to Willie's house recentl

and Willie beat him up.

Alright, fine.

That's what you would expect a bodybuilder to do.

But what if I told you Willie Murphy is

82 years old?

[ Cheering ] And what if I told you

Willie Murphy is a woman?

[ Cheering ] And what if I told you this brings us to a segmen

called "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now"?

[ Bright theme plays ] [ Cheering and applause ]

This is Willie Murphy.

[ Cheering intensifies ]

[ Applause ]

She was about to go to bed one night

when a man started poundin on her front door,

demanding to be let in, so she called 911.

But while she was waiting for the police to arrive,

he broke down her door and barged in.

What the man didn't realize, though,

is that Willie Murphy works out.

You're probably thinkin', "Oh, that's cute.

She does water aerobics."

[ Laughter ] [chuckling] No, son.

Willie Murphy lifts weight every day at the YMCA

and she can deadlift 225 pounds.

[ Cheering and applause ]

225 pounds!

That's me holding a microwave.

[ Laughter and applause ]

According to USA Today, Willie can do

one-handed pull-ups,

one-handed push-ups,

fingertip push-ups,

[ Cheering ] and the push-ups where you put

your fingers in a diamond formation

and press your nose all the way to the floor.

You know what they call those kinda push-ups?

The burglar's nightmare.

[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]

So how was she feeling

as this burglar was prowling around her house?

-It's kinda semi dark

and I'm alone

and I'm old.

But guess what. I'm tough.

[ Cheering and applause ] And you wanna know what happened?

He picked the wrong house to break into.

-This is the kind of story we need right now.

[ Cheering and applause ]

100%.

[ Whistling ] Most news stories make me wanna jump off a bridge.

This story makes me wanna jump onto a bridge.

Or whatever bull[bleep] they do at Crossfit.

[ Laughter ] So, Willie --

Willie's hiding in her house

and, when the burglar comes near her,

she grabs the closest thin she can find to protect herself.

A candlestick? No.

A rolling pin? No.

A table.

-I took that table

and I went to workin' on him

[ Laughter ] And guess what.

The table broke.

[ Laughter ] She picked up a table

and "Went to work on him"

[ Laughter ] and the table broke.

Most people her age are breaking hips.

She's breaking tables!

[ Cheering and applause ] So Willie

clobbers this man with a table What next?

-I'm runnin' in the kitchen.

There's a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

I grab the shampoo and guess what.

He's still on the ground.

In his face, all of it.

The whole thing.

[ Laughter ] -[laughing] She blinded hi

with shampoo.

Americans spend $11 billion a year on guns

and it turns out all we needed

was some Johnson & Johnson

[ Cheering and applause ]

You know?

You know what stops a bad guy with a gun?

Apparently, an old lady with a table and some shampoo.

[ Laughter and applause ] So, after the shampoo,

did Willie stop and show the guy some mercy?

She did not.

-And I got the broom and he's pullin' the broom

And I'm hittin' him.

I'm hittin' him with the broom hittin' him.

-She kicked a man's ass with shampoo and a broom!

I don't know if she's single

but I bet I know one guy who's interested.

[ Laughter and applause ]

So, finally, after all that,

the police arrived and put the burglar in a cop car.

I'm just kidding. He was hurt so badly,

[laughing] they had to put him in an ambulance.

[ Laughter ] -'Cause I had really

did a number on that man.

[ Laughter ] I'm serious!

I think he was happy when he went in the ambulance.

[ Laughter ] -Oh, no, I'm sure.

I'm sure he was,

until he told [laughing] the paramedics what happened

and they laughed so hard,

they had to give themselves oxygen.

[ Laughter ] Despite the fact

that this burglar was caught red-handed,

Willie is not pressing charges

And of course not. She's too busy pressing

[laughing] 225.

-Ooh! -Plus, she wants that man roaming the streets

so she can find him and kick his ass again.

[ Laughter ] This is the kind of story we need right now.

In superhero stories, women are usually

insignificant side characters, but in this story,

Willie Murphy is the superhero

She saved the day and she did it

with a kind -- a very kind -

Christian attitude.

-I said to myself, "If it's my time to go to hell

I'm takin' him with me."

[ Cheering and applause ] Merry, merry, Christmas.

This has been "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."

♪♪♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]