THIS MORNING, ALL THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED,

SO TO THE NOMINEES, I SAY CONGRATULATIONS,

AND EVEN THOUGH I'M HOSTING, I DON'T GET TO PICK WHO WINS,

SO NO MATTER HOW MUCH

YOU TRY TO BRIBE ME WITH CASH AND GIFTS,

I CAN'T HELP YOU.

BUT THAT SHOULDN'T STOP YOU FROM TRYING.

[laughter]

ESPECIALLY CASH.

I'LL TAKE IT.

I JUST--SEE WHAT I CAN DO, BUT I PROBABLY CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

A LOT OF AWARD SHOWS COMING UP, AND THEN FOR EVERY AWARD SHOW,

THERE'S ALWAYS A NEW LIST THAT COMES OUT.

THERE'S BEST DRESSED OR MOST POWERFUL OR MOST SCARVES.

UM...

STEVEN TYLER WINS THAT ONE EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

AND I'VE BEEN ON A LOT OF LISTS.

A FEW YEARS AGO, PORTIA AND I WERE ON

THE MOST DESIRABLE NEIGHBOR LIST.

WE WERE NUMBER TWO BEHIND THE OBAMAS.

IT'S TRUE.

AND NUMBER THREE WAS ANYBODY BUT HONEY BOO BOO.

I WAS ALSO ON THE LIST OF MOST TRUSTED PEOPLE IN AMERICA.

I WAS NUMBER FOUR.

[cheers and applause]

I WAS NUMBER 14.

I'M SORRY.

I LIED, AND THAT'S WHY I WAS NOT HIGHER ON THE LIST.

OKAY, I WAS 18.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ON THAT LIST AT ALL.

AND THEN THERE'S A NEW LIST THAT CAME OUT LAST WEEK

THAT PORTIA AND I ARE ON.

IT'S THE TOP TEN HOTTEST COUPLES.

AND I WAS FLATTERED. [cheers and applause]

I KNOW.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I WAS FLATTERED, UNTIL I WAS TOLD THE ENTIRE NAME OF THE LIST

IS CALLED THE TOP TEN HOTTEST COUPLES

WE'D LIKE TO SEE A SEX TAPE FROM.

[laughter]

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT?

AND SECOND OF ALL, NOW I KNOW WHY SO MANY PEOPLE

WANT ME TO BE THEIR NEIGHBOR.

THE LIST IS FROM VIVID ENTERTAINMENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE,

BUT APPARENTLY THEY MAKE SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR MOVIES

THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY TO WATCH AT MOTELS.

AND HERE'S THE LIST.

THIS IS THE LIST RIGHT HERE.

HERE WE ARE AT THE BOTTOM.

PORTIA AND ELLEN UNDER VICTORIA AND DAVID,

WHICH IS--THAT'S PROBABLY A TIE.

THEY BEAT US BASICALLY JUST BY A LITTLE BIT.

AND THEN THERE'S JESSICA BIEL AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE ON THE SAME LIST AS THEM,

BUT THEN I WAS TOLD

THAT THESE ARE THE ONLY TEN CELEBRITY COUPLES

THAT DON'T HAVE A SEX TAPE.

SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE ON HERE.

ANGELINA AND BRAD ARE THERE.

AND THEY MOVED UP THIS YEAR.

LAST YEAR, THEY WERE KNOCKED OFF--THE COUPLE--

THE SWIFFER COMMERCIAL, THAT COUPLE,

THEY WERE ON THERE.

[laughter]

UM, BEYONCE AND JAY-Z ARE NUMBER THREE,

BUT IF THE SOUNDTRACK WAS--

IT'D BE NUMBER ONE IF THEY HAD A SOUNDTRACK.

AND THEN, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I'M KIND OF SHOCKED.

PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

ARE THE NUMBER ONE COUPLE

THAT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO SEE A SEX TAPE FROM.

THAT SEEMS LIKE A STRANGE CHOICE.

THEY'RE HIGHER THAN KIM AND KANYE,

AND I CAN SEE WHAT--

HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY DO ON A MOTORCYCLE?

THAT'S A LOT--

THAT'S A LOT TO TOP.

IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN RIGHT NOW,

I'M TALKING ABOUT CELEBRITY SEX TAPES.

[laughter]

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE WANT TO SEE A SEX TAPE,

BUT IF PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BEDROOM,

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IN OUR BEDROOM.

IT IS ALWAYS HOT, I WILL TELL YOU THAT.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

[cheers and applause]

I MEAN, HOT.

WE HAVE TO GET THAT THERMOSTAT FIXED,

'CAUSE I LIKE COOLER USUALLY.

BESIDES, I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME.

IT'S NOT A TAPE. IT'S A DANCE.