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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KRISTEN STEWART.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS REALLY GREAT TO BE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I GOT TO TELL YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY MOVIE
"TWILIGHT" WHICH THIS WEEK HAS BEEN ON iTUNES FOR EIGHT YEARS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CHECK IT OUT.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE HOSTING BECAUSE, I KNOW THE
PRESIDENT'S PROBABLY WATCHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T THINK HE LIKES ME THAT MUCH.
HERE'S HOW I KNOW. FOUR YEARS AGO THIS GUY I WAS
DATING THIS GUY NAMED ROB. ROBERT.
WE BROKE UP AND THEN WE GOT BACK TOGETHER, AND FOR SOME REASON IT
MADE DONALD TRUMP GO INSANE. [ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S WHAT HE ACTUALLY TWEETED AND THIS IS REAL.
"ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD NOT DATE KRISTEN STEWART BECAUSE SHE
CHEATED ON HIM LIKE A DOG AND WILL DO IT AGAIN.
JUST WATCH. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER."
[ LAUGHTER ] NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
RIGHT? THAT'S SO CRAZY, THE PRESIDENT
TWEETED ABOUT YOU ONCE. NO, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED ABOUT
ME 11 TIMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE ALSO SAID, "EVERYONE KNOWS I'M RIGHT THAT ROBERT PATTINSON
SHOULD DUMP KRISTEN STEWART. IN A COUPLE YEARS HE WILL THANK
ME. BE SMART, ROBERT."
[ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW.
THEN ONE DAY LATER HE TWEETED, "EVERYONE'S ASKING ME TO SPEAK
MORE ON ROBERT AND KRISTEN AND I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME EXCEPT TO
SAY, ROBERT, DROP HER, SHE CHEATED ON YOU AND SHE'LL DO IT
AGAIN." [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY. TO BE FAIR, I DON'T THINK
DONALD TRUMP HATED ME. I THINK HE'S IN LOVE WITH MY
BOYFRIEND. BECAUSE HE ALSO TWEETED THIS.
"MISS UNIVERSE 2012 PAGEANT WILL BE AIRING LIVE ON NBC AND
TELEMUNDO DECEMBER 19th. OPEN INVITE.
STANDS FOR ROBERT PATTINSON." [ LAUGHTER ]
SO YEAH, THAT IS CRAZY. RIGHT?
THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A HUGE FAN OF ME.
BUT THAT IS SO OKAY. AND DONALD, IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE
ME NOW, YOU'RE REALLY PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LIKE ME NOW.
BECAUSE I'M HOSTING "SNL" AND I'M LIKE SO GAY, DUDE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT IS REALLY,
REALLY AWESOME TO BE HERE. I'M SURE MAYBE SOME OF YOU ARE
SURPRISED THAT I'M HOSTING BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M TOO COOL
OR SCHOOL OR SOMETHING -- >> HELL YEAH, KRISTEN.
I'M TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL TOO, I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS SHOW.
>> REALLY? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT IT?
>> YEAH, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE ON IT, RIGHT?
I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE YOU, RIGHT?
SLEEP ALL DAY, PARTY ALL NIGHT. >> YEAH, THAT'S COOL.
THAT SOUNDS COOL. I DON'T REALLY DO THAT, THOUGH.
I WORKED ON FIVE MOVIES LAST YEAR.
ONE OF THEM'S CALLED "PERSONAL SHOPPER," YOU SHOULD CHECK IT
OUT. I DIRECTED A SHORT FILM THAT
PREMIERED AT SUNDANCE, WHICH WAS FUN.
>> HUH. THEY DID SUNDANCE THIS YEAR?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, DUDE, THEY DO IT EVERY
YEAR, IT'S A THING. >> HA, OKAY.
THAT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I SENT THEM A BUNCH OF LITTLE MOVIES, THEY
SAID THEY WEREN'T DOING IT THIS YEAR.
OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY, YOU SEEN MY HOG?
IT'S PRETTY COOL, I GUESS, BUT WHO FRICKIN' CARES?
>> NO, I SEE THAT. THAT'S AWESOME.
WHAT KIND OF MOTORCYCLE IS THAT? IT'S COOL.
>> IT'S A BIG BLACK ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]
WHO EVEN CARES, RIGHT? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS SEX.
YEAH, I'M NEVER NOT DOING IT. I HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY.
>> YEAH, YEAH, SURE. >> EVERY DAY.
>> UM -- I THINK THAT'S REALLY HEALTHY.
THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE. YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
THOUGH. JUST TO MAKE ME THINK YOU'RE
COOL. BECAUSE I THINK YOU GUYS ARE SO
AWESOME. IT'S A DONE DEAL.
>> OH THANK GOD. >> YEAH, THANK YOU.
BECAUSE I HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK ON SUNDAYS RIGHT BEFORE DINNER
AND THAT'S IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ACTUALLY, THAT IS MORE HEALTHY, A REALLY GOOD CHOICE.
WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW AND I TOTALLY CARE THAT I'M HERE
BECAUSE IT'S THE COOLEST -- [ EXPLETIVE ] I'M SORRY AND
ALESSIA CARA IS ALSO HERE AND I'LL NEVER COME BACK.
STICK AROUND!
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Kristen Stewart Monologue - SNL

54 タグ追加 保存
294701639 2019 年 11 月 15 日 に公開
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