イフ・ニュース・アンカーズ・イズ・ルームメイト (feat. Gus Johnson) (If News Anchors Were Roommates (feat. Gus Johnson))

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(powerful music) 00:00:04.304 --> 00:00:06.506 align:start size:94% position:6% line:0% - Good evening and welcome back to the apartment, 00:00:06.506 --> 00:00:08.808 line:0% I'm your host Gus Johnson. 00:00:08.808 --> 00:00:11.211 line:0% It was a dairy disaster. 00:00:11.211 --> 00:00:13.847 line:0% Local news anchor Gus Johnson returned home 00:00:13.847 --> 00:00:16.182 line:0% to his modest Los Angeles apartment 00:00:16.182 --> 00:00:18.885 line:0% early this afternoon to discover that one of his 00:00:18.885 --> 00:00:22.055 align:start size:88% position:13% line:0% dumbass roommates had left the almond milk cap 00:00:22.055 --> 00:00:25.859 line:0% partially unscrewed spilling contents all over the fridge. 00:00:25.859 --> 00:00:29.029 line:0% For more on this now we go to our special correspondent 00:00:29.029 --> 00:00:34.000 align:start size:97% position:3% line:0% and potentially guilty anchor, Sandra Martinez, Sandra? 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:36.669 line:0% - Thank you Gus. Though this story is still developing, 00:00:36.669 --> 00:00:38.571 line:0% sources close to me are saying that this is in 00:00:38.571 --> 00:00:40.940 line:0% no way a result of my actions. 00:00:40.940 --> 00:00:42.675 align:start size:84% position:16% line:0% Signs point to probable involvement 00:00:42.675 --> 00:00:46.046 align:start size:84% position:16% line:0% from our very own Brian Fulton. Brian? 00:00:46.046 --> 00:00:48.314 line:0% - Thank you, Sandra. Gus, they're calling 00:00:48.314 --> 00:00:51.017 line:0% it the "bullshit of the century." 00:00:51.017 --> 00:00:54.187 line:0% As many of our viewers know, I don't even drink almond milk. 00:00:54.187 --> 00:00:57.824 align:start size:97% position:3% line:0% Because as we all know, almond milk is for little bitches. 00:00:57.824 --> 00:00:59.726 line:0% Plus I wasn't even home this afternoon, 00:00:59.726 --> 00:01:01.928 line:0% as I was out whipping donuts with my cousin 00:01:01.928 --> 00:01:04.964 line:0% in the parking lot of the local food mart.
- Thank you Brian, fascinating stuff.
Our viewers at home should know
that Brian Fulton is not only one of 00:01:10.670 --> 00:01:13.606 align:start size:97% position:3% the longest serving anchors here at the apartment,
but he is also a fucking liar.
- An excellent point, Gus.
And might I add that I am fairly certain 00:01:22.148 --> 00:01:24.284 align:start size:84% position:16% that Brian is not only responsible for 00:01:24.284 --> 00:01:27.720 align:start size:97% position:3% the local almond milk situation, but he may also be 00:01:27.720 --> 00:01:30.323 align:start size:88% position:13% the person, or persons, who has been using 00:01:30.323 --> 00:01:33.359 align:start size:97% position:3% all of the house toilet paper without replacing it.
- (laughing) Really great investigative work, Sandra.
I think I speak for all of us here in the apartment 00:01:40.767 --> 00:01:42.936 align:start size:88% position:13% when I say that you have a truly great talent 00:01:42.936 --> 00:01:44.737 align:start size:84% position:16% when it comes to stretching the truth.
You backwoods, baby back, bitch.
- Many thanks, Brian. But I've seen the aftermath 00:01:50.477 --> 00:01:53.179 align:start size:88% position:13% of your incessant tequila shits, so I hope
you'll excuse me when I say I know
a lying sack of shit when I see one. Gus?
- Right you are, Sandra.
Brian's tequila turmoil is just the latest event
in a long history of alcoholic adversity.
Toilet paper trouble and milk monstrosities aside, 00:02:11.264 --> 00:02:14.567 align:start size:97% position:3% I am also completely convinced that Brian Fulton 00:02:14.567 --> 00:02:18.004 align:start size:97% position:3% has been shaving his ballsack hair in my bathroom,
subsequently clogging up the sink with his peach fuzz pubes.
- We interrupt this broadcast for what
appears to be some breaking bullshit.
Local news anchor Gus Johnson has reportedly 00:02:30.416 --> 00:02:33.887 align:start size:97% position:3% been showering me with a myriad of stupid accusations.
Gus thinks he's so goddamn innocent.
But I would invite the viewers at home
to take a look at this graphic, 00:02:38.725 --> 00:02:41.628 align:start size:88% position:13% which details Gus's many shitty shortcomings.
It all started in the fifth grade, 00:02:45.031 --> 00:02:48.001 align:start size:94% position:6% when Gus pooped his pants not once, not twice,
but three times in gym class.
Sources say that fifth grade is far too old 00:02:52.672 --> 00:02:56.009 align:start size:88% position:13% to poop one's pants even once, and I agree. 00:02:56.009 --> 00:02:58.778 align:start size:97% position:3% Next up, Gus's relationship with his father.
It's a well known fact around the apartment 00:03:00.547 --> 00:03:03.783 align:start size:88% position:13% line:0% that Gus's dad completely despises him. 00:03:03.783 --> 00:03:05.518 align:start size:84% position:16% line:0% Many cite the reason for this as being 00:03:05.518 --> 00:03:07.854 align:start size:88% position:13% line:0% that Gus has never held down a steady job, 00:03:07.854 --> 00:03:10.790 line:0% is terrible with women, and is considered by many 00:03:10.790 --> 00:03:12.825 line:0% to be a lifelong disappointment. 00:03:12.825 --> 00:03:14.994 line:0% And finally, I would be remiss
if I did not mention Gus's overwhelming BO. 00:03:18.731 --> 00:03:21.467 line:0% A local apartment resident once described Gus's scent as 00:03:21.467 --> 00:03:25.805 align:start size:88% position:13% line:0% being putrid, musty, and borderline offensive. 00:03:25.805 --> 00:03:28.374 align:start size:94% position:6% Knowing these things about Gus, it's no wonder 00:03:28.374 --> 00:03:30.276 align:start size:88% position:13% line:0% he would resort to throwing his housemates 00:03:30.276 --> 00:03:33.913 align:start size:97% position:3% line:0% under the bus as a distraction from his miserable life.
Gus? Gus? Gus? Gus, can you hear me?
Well, I apologize to our viewers for 00:03:42.889 --> 00:03:45.992 align:start size:97% position:3% either experiencing technical difficulties or Gus
is just too much of a little bitch to stand up for himself.
(animated punch)