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  • The following video material originates from the movie "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" that was

  • lovingly made by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. But it's been turned by new audio into a twisted, dirty and chaotic world...

  • ...full of unnecessary vulgar language, bad jokes about minorities and without structured plot

  • And now have fun with:

  • "Harry Potter and the secret Porn Basement"

  • Oh God, stop it, it's unbearable!

  • - No! -Shut your beak!

  • - Now just listen to it! - Shut your beak!

  • Hey, if I've got a boner, I have to wank.

  • Yes, but you can you not at least stop this terrible music?

  • - Hey, that's' s a classic! - Turn off that gay music you wanker!

  • You all have no taste in music.

  • I have no idea where to put the cherry, definitely not on this empty space.

  • Hey, what's up?

  • Your uncle wants to talk to you about this thing you're always doing upstairs

  • Did you wank again, or what?

  • That's really disgusting! You're sick, boy.

  • Yeah, you know what's also sick? A guy who's three times fatter than me,

  • Who let's his wife bake a cake, while he rapes his son.

  • Oh, that's not true at all. Turn around, boy!

  • Let me straighten your bow tie. Do you like it when I touch you like this?

  • Hey, I can jerk whenever I want. After all, I'm Harry Potter, I'm famous, respect me!

  • - Daddy only loves me! - Listen,

  • You're only gonna be respected in this house, when you stop satisfying yourself.

  • As long as you have your penis under my table, you do respectable things with it,

  • like ordinary people, like me.

  • Ah, now Fatty has touched the cake with his bogey fingers, but otherwise it's good, you can still eat it.

  • My asshole is so wide, I can stick my head through it.

  • And they say I was sick.

  • Let's see if I can break my record of jizzing three times in a row now.

  • I am the Gilb, I make white clothes gray and dirty.

  • Wow!

  • A stain dwarf!

  • Do you also have problems with stains, which are difficult to clean?

  • You know, I got the white giant,

  • and when I cum with it, then makes the really special stains, if you know what I mean.

  • Oh, that was really not in the job description.

  • You know, I only sell detergent

  • and old, rotten towels, which you can wear as T-Shirts like I do, but they don't sell that well.

  • Are you interested in buying?

  • No, but I'd like a blowjob!

  • What?

  • You probably think I'm buyable for everything?

  • Not that I would reject it, I really need the money.

  • Hey I'm sorry, you happen to be the perfect blowjob size

  • and I'll pull him out if you have to puke, okay?

  • Oh, Dobby has taken part in much worse things for money:

  • Sick sex games with piss and shit,

  • Animal porn,

  • - Worked at "McDonald's" ... - Oh God!

  • And you only want a blowjob?

  • You know, right now I would really fuck anything! Even an ugly gnome like you.

  • Thank you!

  • I will demonstrate my blowjob technique on this wardrobe.

  • - You really don't have to demonstrate it on the wardrobe. - And now in the ear!

  • I believe you that you can do it without any proof.

  • That's just our nephew and he's fucking, uuuh

  • the cat.

  • Did I just say that out loud?

  • Ey now stop it, they'll think I'm fucking the cat or something!

  • What? You fuck a cat?

  • That doesn't mean that I ever did that.

  • Oh, you can't shock Dobby with anything anymore. The family I live with is pretty kinky, you know?

  • I can not say the name, but it begins with "M" and ends with "alfoy".

  • That's too complicated for me.

  • But you should know the boy, he goes to your school.

  • He is smeared all over with lube, heven his hair is dripping with it.

  • Do you know the term "crawl in someone's ass"? He literally does that!

  • And his father

  • is not his father but his mother!

  • Allegedly he impregnated himself, with a

  • Sausage.

  • Oh, you mean Draco Malfoy and his Sugar Daddy.

  • Oh no! You

  • guessed it! And I wanted to

  • - keep it secret! - That was really not...

  • - I have to bash my head in with an Ikea lamp! - that hard of a riddle.

  • Hey!

  • Hey, my lamp!

  • Hey, my beautiful Ikea lamp!

  • And then he said: "Now I know, we are on Pluto!"

  • And I said...

  • Now let go of my lamp! I'm going to put you in the closet, you little fucker!

  • How many times have I told you, that you are forbidden to masturbate in this house ?!

  • I didn't fap.

  • Don't fuck the cat either, that's just as bad.

  • I didn't fuck the cat.

  • - At least not today. - Do you know this one? This is the brother of the middle finger,

  • I'll show you that one next time!

  • And I don't want to know what you're hiding in the closet!

  • No cat.

  • If you saw dildos in the closet, by any chance,

  • they don't belong to me I borrowed them.

  • No, I found them!

  • No! They...

  • They were already here when I moved in.

  • And what if Dobby found nudes of Harry Potter?

  • So what? Everybody knows them already. They hang in the common room.

  • But Dobby has to blackmail Harry Potter with something, to get money.

  • How else am I supposed to pay all those taxes from the GEZ?

  • I have five televisions that are not registered.

  • Did you just pull these bills

  • out of your ass?

  • It's become pretty flexible by now.

  • Cool!

  • Hey, come here!

  • Hey! Hey, stop running, shorty!

  • Hey! Hey, come here!

  • Hey!

  • Hey, I don't want a blowjob anymore!

  • I want to stick something in your ass, too!

  • Pie!

  • - Come here and let me fuck you! - ... And Dudley,

  • has now become a very big boy.

  • Wow!

  • You can do magic! I can't.

  • Yes, ever noticed that you never used magic in your first film,

  • even though you're a wizard?

  • Hey, I'm still learning magic, I'm attending Hogwarts after all.

  • At Hogwarts, you will learn how to get rid of your gag reflex, but you won't learn magic, just like me.

  • Have a look!

  • I want to be able to do that, too!

  • - Get out of the way! - Ow!

  • I have an idea:

  • I'm going to follow the pie like this so

  • that it looks like, I'm the one making it levitate

  • Yeah look! I can do magic, too!

  • - Oh, now the pie fell on her head, - Crap.

  • - But otherwise it's good, you can still eat it. - My beautiful suit!

  • You're never going to see your

  • abnormal friends again!

  • never again!

  • Yes?

  • - Never again! - I think you dialed the wrong number.

  • - Oh sorry. - No problem.

  • Hey! What the hell are you doing?

  • Isn't this Privet Drive no. 4, where Harry Potter lives?

  • No here is Privat Drive no. 4, Privet Drive No. 4 is two blocks ahead!

  • Oh sorry, that we destroyed your house.

  • Oh, no problem!

  • No problem...

  • There! The house down there. That must be it!

  • The one that stands out from the others! The one with the roof and

  • - the window! - I hope it's the right house this time.

  • Yes, what just happened to us happens just...

  • three out of four times, right?

  • - Hi Harry! - Hi Harry!

  • Ron! Torsten! Torben!

  • What are you doing here?

  • Well, we want to destroy Muggle houses.

  • Yours too. Come on out!

  • OK.

  • Warm socks, Vaseline, I'm ready.

  • All right.

  • Start driving, Torsten!

  • I am Torben.

  • What is that?

  • - Whoosh! -So, What's going on here?

  • Now he's gonna get it , the little brat!

  • Get in there!

  • Come on, move!

  • Quick, give me your dove!

  • That's a ... Oh!

  • I'll get you!

  • Stay right there!

  • Stay!

  • Let me go!

  • OK! You can leave!

  • But the shoes stay here!

  • - No! Not my shoes! - Drive, Torben!

  • He broke his neck!

  • But otherwise he's fine.

  • We killed your uncle.

  • - Yes, thank you! - You're welcome!

  • Oh no, we ran over Clifford!

  • Have you ever wondered why a fork

  • - Yes, a fork? - Has so many prongs,

  • - As it has? - Mommy?

  • - Yes? - Where do babies come from?

  • Oh, the boys stick their dick in your vagina.

  • Hello.

  • - What's up with her? - Ginny.

  • Just because she is the only girl,

  • - she has a penis phobia. - Aha.

  • Good morning, you incest children!

  • - Morning, Dad! - Oh, we are so poor, we only have half of a front door.

  • Here, darling: Burned baby birds

  • exactly how you like them.

  • - Are your parents really siblings? - Yes, my mother is also my aunt,

  • and my brother is also my cousin, it's really

  • - complicated. Hello dear sister.

  • I put extra salt on them.

  • Does anyone want some?

  • Who are you?

  • I'm Harry.

  • Oh no.

  • My wife probably slept with one of my sons again

  • - And had a child without telling me about it. - No I have not!

  • That only happened once and Ginny was the result from it.

  • - As if you don't sleep with your sons. - Yes, but if I fuck my sons in the butt,

  • at least they don't bear children from it.

  • No guys, honestly, incest is evil,

  • not all of you can marry Ginny

  • So Harry, tell me.

  • I see you're sitting next to Ron, so I assume you're gay,

  • and you're his boyfriend. Did he like you too, because you smelled like fried fish?

  • So, frankly ...

  • What the hell...?

  • Is this "Stinky" with the mail?

  • Yea I'll go look.

  • Come on, give it to me!

  • Bastard! Is it from the GEZ?

  • Much worse. There are the tuition fees for Hogwarts.

  • What? They charge tuition fees?

  • That's an impudence, my children learn nothing at all in this school.

  • I can't read, Mum.

  • - What does that say? - Give it to me!

  • - Mum, where do we get the money? - Oh, we need to prostitute ourselves.

  • Namely, in the Fuckingalley.

  • - Come up here! I'm totally hot for you. - Have you ever fucked twins?

  • Fuck me! I am Harry Potter!

  • I am famous!

  • - I have a vagina! - I can splash water

  • out of my nose and catch it with my mouth.

  • fuck, lousy € 50 for one round without a condom, I'll do it

  • twice again, maximum.

  • - Marilyn Manson also prostitutes himself. - Hello.

  • He looks like he has no money.

  • - Who else can I fuck to get money? - Hi baby, how about us two?

  • Noo. Nah, I'm just about to call it a day.

  • - Bye. - Hey! Hey, come here!

  • You are awefully cute, give me a kiss at least.

  • Hey Harry!

  • Hagrid!

  • Heard you're doing it for fifty?

  • PEOPLE WITH STD'S, THIS WAY!

  • The Fuckingalley is only for people, who live on the social margin, Harry.

  • Never thought that you would be lingering there.

  • You're famous, you've got the money.

  • - I did it for the Weasleys. - Oh, the Weasleys.

  • Wait a moment.

  • - What did you do there? - Me? Oh, I was just shopping.

  • In the Fuckingalley?

  • Yes. There's a great baker.

  • He makes delicious donuts, you know them, right?

  • Yes, the ones with a hole in the middle, I know.

  • So, textbooks, dildos, I have everything together.

  • Oh my God!

  • Jeez! Hi, Harry!

  • - Hey, Hermione. - Hagrid.

  • Hello, you stupid cow!

  • - Hey, shut up. - Have you already been in the Fuckingalley?

  • Yes, why are you asking?

  • Oh, you look like you've already been banged five times.

  • - Oh. - Here, look, I got me a new dildo.

  • Yes children, I have to go again, yeah?

  • - To the baker ... buy donuts. - Alright have fun.

  • Let's go to the library and pretend as if we were nerds.

  • OK.

  • "Once upon a time there was a small deer named Bambi.

  • And his mother was hit by a truck

  • - Come on! - And then found dismembered ... "

  • Mum, there's Harry.

  • Harry Baby, come here.

  • You're full of cum, they have probably fucked you really hard.

  • Yes...

  • Ladies and gentlemen: Mr Gilderoy Fuckshard!

  • Gilderoy, I love you!

  • - It was the hottest night I've ever had. - Hello.

  • Yes, I fucked him, too!

  • Hey!

  • Mum wants sexual intercourse with him.

  • Shut up!

  • Thank you very much.

  • A photo for the BRAVO, please.

  • Thank you very much.

  • Oh, my goodness,

  • Is that Harry Popper?

  • Harry Popper!

  • - The star of the incest child porn "Small but already - Hey.

  • - fucked really hard Part 1 "I never thought I'd - Hey, what ... Hey, what is this?

  • - get him infront of my camera. - Come here, you celebrity!

  • Your baby ass is legendary.

  • - My baby ass? But i'm called Harry Potter. - Hello, I'm Gilderoy Fuckshard, I am

  • Star of adult films like "what fucks there?" Parts 1 and 2,

  • or "Help! I'm trapped on the dildo planet!"

  • - Oh, I love this movie. - Is everyone just here because of porn?

  • Thank you very much! Thank you very much!

  • Oh thank you!

  • - Ew, who's spitting here? - This boy has inspired me.

  • And because of that I want to

  • thank him by giving him my new series, namely

  • "Cock Improvement!"

  • Part 1-12.

  • Bye.

  • I had no film in my camera.

  • The famous Harry Potter:

  • didn't have any time for me during the entire holidays.

  • I thought we wanted to create a deliriously happy, large family?

  • Boys can't make babies with boys.

  • Look, look, Potter, you prefer fucking small, red-haired girls.

  • Now, now Draco, you should not say the bad f-word.

  • - Red-haired? - Hi, I'm Lucy.

  • Lucy Malfoy.

  • - Aha. - I'm Draco's Sugar Daddy.

  • And you're

  • the famous Harry Potter

  • with the lightning scar.

  • - And the round glasses. - Why are you even famous for that?

  • Lord Voldemort tried to kill me.

  • He killed my parents and threw a stone at me.

  • But I survived.

  • So what? I've also tried to kill my neighbors and threw a stone at him.

  • He didn't become famous.

  • That's so embarrassing.

  • Less embarrassing than someone who claims to be blond, although his hair is only bleached.

  • You revealed our cruel

  • Family secret.

  • So...

  • Then I'll now divulge a secret about you.

  • Your friends are surely interested in the fact that you're a lesbian!

  • Oh, and your daughter Hermione is a lesbian, huh?

  • Yes, she tells everyone!

  • Careful, Sugar Daddy! She's giving you the death glare.

  • Oh, what book did you buy?

  • "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets".

  • - What a silly name. - So children

  • We got all the textbooks now and can go eat ice cream from the money that

  • - Harry gathered. - Yes!

  • May I ask you something?

  • What?

  • Why are you even buying books for your children?

  • They can't read anyway.

  • That's a waste of money, you know?

  • No wonder that you are so poor.

  • Never thought about it.

  • We'll meet again in the social services office.

  • Hey, he stole my book!

  • We'll meet again at school.

  • - Let's full on run against the wall. - Yes.

  • Two retarded children ran against a wall, on platform 9. Security guards please to Platform 9!

  • What are you doing, you monkey?

  • - We want to Platform 9 ¾. - Yeah.

  • Hermione said we have to full on run against the wall at the train station.

  • Idiots.

  • - I believe Hermione doesn't like us anymore. - I like the wall,

  • it's pleasantly cold and stony.

  • - No, that's boring. - No.

  • Oh damn, it's already 11am!

  • Weren't we supposed to be at school at 8 am?

  • Yes. Wasn't that

  • a week ago?

  • Jeez, the car can fly, but hasn't even got a CD-player.

  • Turn on the radio. Driving without music is shit.

  • OK.

  • I Hate Radio.

  • Is it love?

  • Is it love that you want from me?

  • Is it love?

  • - Is it love? - Stop singing along!

  • Is it love, that you want from me baby, yeah

  • Oh Jeez!

  • Do you have to sing along to songs no one's liked even 10 years ago?

  • Harry, did you just fart?

  • Yes.

  • What's this?

  • For God's sake! Turn it off!

  • Turn it off!

  • I'm trying!

  • Following: the Wolfgang Petry Music Marathon.

  • Oh my God!

  • Oh my God!

  • Hell, hell, hell!

  • Oh no, now I'm singing along as well.

  • Okay Ron, remember, we're parking next to a large willow.

  • - Isn't it nice to be back in Hogwarts? - Do you think they'll notice we've missed one week of school?

  • They don't, They didnt't even notice, that i didn't use magic for a whole year.

  • I did.

  • - So, you want to use this this staircase, eh? - Yes?

  • Well, the stairs belongs to me, so you have to pay toll for the path,

  • - At least 2 €. - Whiskas!

  • Money, I can dwell upon, and without money you can't go on.

  • I just rhymed it myself.

  • Why do they need to make those damned crossword puzzles so hard?

  • And here are bike coupons and I've got no scissors for cutting them out!

  • Four letters, colloquially, male genitalia?

  • Dick?

  • You said "Dick".

  • Okay, seriously, why did you show up at school a week too late ?

  • Do you think you can do everything, just because you are friends with Dumbledore?

  • My family had to prostitute themselves in order to pay the tuition fees,

  • - That took a long time and was humiliating. - Bacon!

  • You're amazed huh? I can be quick-witted, too.

  • In addition, your family is the cheapest, out there on the Fuckmarket.

  • Your motto is "In and out, and give me your money"!

  • You have no idea,

  • how it feels to give up your body completely ...

  • Yo!

  • - What's going on? - Fresh Dumbledore!

  • And the other old teacher.

  • - I heard that! - Fresh Dumbledore,

  • these students are a week late and openly admitted that they have prostituted themselves.

  • Oh, it doesn´t matter.

  • These are my fresh homies, they're privileged.

  • And now keep calm and stay supple, hmm?

  • With staying supple I meant that you shall remain calm, and not preparation for intercourse.

  • That is ambiguity, the children like that.

  • Professor McGonagall?

  • Yes, Mr Weasley, what do you want?

  • Are there nude photos of you?

  • I'm sorry to disappoint you, But, no, there aren't..

  • What a relief!

  • Nevertheless, you missed a week of subject material.

  • - Yes. - Because it would be advisable if you

  • would catch up. I suggest as a tutor

  • Professor Snape.

  • Good Morning.

  • - Good Morning! - Welcome

  • welcome here in

  • Vegetables-

  • Herbology lessons.

  • Today we learn how to rearange flowers.

  • Step closer to the table

  • I'm gonna put

  • a flower in there, right?

  • You can watch me doing it, please.

  • - Sorry? - Yes, a question, yes please?

  • Yes, so my question would be:

  • Do you have a fish stick in your mouth and therefore speak so retarded

  • or are you really mentally handicapped?

  • My next question would be: Why are we, wizards,

  • - being taught how to rearange flowers by a retard-grandma? - That's a good question.

  • Ten points for Gryffindor!

  • Hey, cool!

  • The next time I'm going to ask the teacher if she's retarded.

  • Ye have certainly asked yourself, why plants are green, right?

  • - No. - Yes, I can't tell you either

  • beacuse I don't know

  • If you no longer want to listen to my drivel, you can put on your earmuffs.

  • The are made of rabbit fur, there are maggots inside them

  • and they creep you into the brain, and there shall make ye stupid.

  • - I can not listen to the, ey. - I'm always wearing them. Now, to the plant.

  • How do you rearange it: First you

  • pull it out of the pot.

  • - Yes, I know the sound is annoying - Oh God! No, not again!

  • - Ouch, my ears!

  • Running through the monsoon, Beyond the world,

  • - The end of time, until no ... - Okay, that's enough!

  • - You have to bury the plant as soon as possible, - Hey man! Hey! Hey,

  • - So it stops singing. - Why are you whacking me here with dirt?

  • - Hey, what is this? Hey, what ...? Hey, man ... - Quick, here!

  • Is Neville dead now?

  • No, ma'am, hes' a zombie, he'll rise again.

  • Well,

  • the earthworms will eat him, let's leave him on the floor.

  • - There! - What is that, Ron?

  • I'm MacGyver,

  • I'm building a bomb.

  • But TicTacs are still missing, eh?

  • - Crap. - Look, Konica!

  • My eyes.

  • I shoot all the people who look uglier than me.

  • Yes, there's certainly not many.

  • I once photographed my ass.

  • That was disgusting.

  • Neville is still alive.

  • This guy is getting scary.

  • I prefer not to tell what part of my body I once photographed.

  • Hi!

  • I am Gilderoy Fuckshard, your new, gorgeous teacher of the best subject you can teach ever:

  • Mathematics.

  • So you did not expect what? I

  • am not only famous actor

  • Erotic movies like

  • "Mr. Seemann what is caviar?", Or

  • "Sap harvest in testicular country". No,

  • I am also a very intelligent, ambitious math teacher.

  • And my films

  • knows you certainly all have been,

  • as you are under 18 and thinking, that watching porn movies is cool.

  • What, that's not cool?

  • But be warned, in my math class

  • it will not go as in any normal math classes,

  • we are dealing not Angle sums in triangles, or something like that, no.

  • There are much worse things in math

  • - than triangles. - Oh God, worse than triangles?

  • Algebra, Stochastics, Analysis,

  • I have chosen only that because the word "anal" is in,

  • but that's all nothing compared to

  • this!

  • These are just CGI animations that we can't even see.

  • They are inserted on the computer later.

  • It does not matter whether they're computer animated characters, or not,

  • you could at least act, as if they attacked you.

  • Throw your books off the table or something like that.

  • Oh, I´m throwing my books off the table.

  • - Was it authentic? - Yes very good.

  • Hey Hermione, come on, we play stunt double,

  • I'll thump you in the face with the book , ok?

  • Watch out! Bamm!

  • Okay folks, I'm outta here, ciao.

  • Oh yes, I'll throw

  • away an image of myself, to achieve the effect

  • Oh man, it really looks as if you were attacked by those beasts,

  • you should become actors or something like that.

  • Bye.

  • What shall we do now?

  • Avada Kedavra!

  • Too bad, she almost hit Neville.

  • Yes.

  • Maybe I'll hit him next time.

  • - The next time I'll try to kill him. - Folks, why do you wanna see me dead?

  • Hello ladies and gentlemen!

  • Do you remember "Woods Sooper Dooper Shop"?

  • Forget it!

  • Because now there is:

  • "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop"!

  • It is cheaper.

  • - Hey, Harry! Do you know what I'm holding in my hands? - No.

  • It is the new "super-clean mop" by "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop".

  • Why are you telling me this?

  • I can tell you much more, when you come with me, to sale grounds.

  • But what's this? Is that my archrival Flint

  • of "Flint's Mega (Negro) Store?

  • You can get lost, these grounds belong to me now.

  • Here is the certificate of ownership.

  • Oh man, I hate TV shops.

  • Sometimes they're selling Massage-Sticks,

  • - they are good. - It says:

  • Eggs, milk, bread, nail polish remover,

  • Toilet paper, spaghetti ...

  • This is not a certificate, that's a shopping list.

  • Hell, he already knows the shopping list trick.

  • Malfoy?

  • Exactly.

  • And there's another novelty.

  • Holy shit, those sure are some long, fat junks.

  • They're exclusive to "Flint's Mega Nigger Store"

  • One of these would be just the right thing for you

  • wouldn't it, Granger?

  • I don't care about length or width, Malfoy,

  • what counts to me is the vibrational function.

  • You on the other hand seem to have the desparate need of something big being shoved up your arse.

  • Huh, nobody asked for your opinion,

  • you stupid bitch!

  • Did you just call her "stupid"?

  • Just wait! Have a taste of my my wood-, sticky-tape- and tictacs bomb!

  • Ow ...

  • - I feel so queasy. - I know, it smells like shit in here.

  • Here, take that bucket.

  • But I think it's really nice,

  • - That you come to visit me again. - It stinks so much ...

  • Oh, and sorry about my farting, alright?

  • Just cracked open that window behind me.

  • So what brings you to me?

  • Malfoy.

  • He said to Hermione ...

  • I cannot remember exactly what it was.

  • He´s said that I'm stupid.

  • You're not serious!

  • What does that mean?

  • Well, how shall I put it for you?

  • Stupid is someone who is of no or low intelligence. Someone like you, Harry, for instance.

  • Oh I see.

  • Ey!

  • I don't memorize 3 Wikipedia pages every day for nothing.

  • Hey Cheer up, you're smarter than all three of us together, ey?

  • Come on over.

  • Just don't think anymore

  • that you´re stupid, because if you try thinking about,

  • to not think about being stupid even though you're not stupid,

  • then what have you been thinking about?

  • Huh?

  • Harry, Harry, Harry.

  • Oh damn, now I've written "Harry" on that sheet.

  • Have you already seen "Cock Improvement"? - No.

  • Well, that all surely is bore you, you're already an old hand in the erotic film business.

  • - "Fuckshard" ... - Please tell me,

  • what are you talking about all the time?

  • "Harry Popper: Small but Already Shagged: Part 1".

  • - Huh? - Don't tell me you cant remember about it.

  • Okay, you were only three, but

  • It's a classic.

  • Oh, I'll never forget your baby arse.

  • OK.

  • Although...

  • Maybe this whole thing has got to do with that confusing dream I have every night.

  • Yes, this is the meter box which we always have problems with.

  • If you could have a look at it.

  • maybe?

  • Well yeah, but

  • Why's all this hay lying about?

  • And why are you wearing a mask?

  • Well blow me...

  • Oh, Harry!

  • "Below me"

  • I said.

  • Oh yes?

  • I daresay I heard you saying "Well blow me".

  • I haven't said that.

  • - Oh, come on, there's nothing to it. - No, I haven't said that.

  • Yes, you have!

  • - And I'd love to blow you. - I haven't said that!

  • Yes, you have, listen: I've got it on tape.

  • "Well blow me."

  • See, you have said it, so I'll do that now.

  • I stepped in shit.

  • I just hope no one noticed.

  • Hi Harry!

  • - Did you step in shit? - Meeeeow!

  • Did you hear that?

  • That sounded

  • like a dying giraffe!

  • Meow!

  • I was going to say:

  • Like a cat.

  • And she's in danger! Come on, we have to save her!

  • - Yes! - Go, Go, Pussy Rangers!

  • Oh my God!

  • Who'd do such an abominable thing?

  • Eek, who ... Who's that?

  • What's going on here?

  • - Ew, there's a dead cat hanging from the wall. - It's really peculiar...

  • - That's disgusting. - Ugh, how disgusting.

  • ... that half the school is passing through right at this moment.

  • Let me through! Let me through!

  • What's going on, huh?

  • Potter!

  • What are you do----

  • My little pussy.

  • You hung up my pussy after piercing its tail?

  • No. No, I was ...

  • I ... I was just...

  • - It ... - Sure, pal. I'm gonna do

  • - the same thing to you now! - No, I...

  • Yo!

  • What's up? What's up?

  • Wow, dope Graffiti!

  • If everyone who's not into Hip Hop can now kindly piss off.

  • - Stupid Hip Hop ... - Everyone except

  • you four.

  • - But we are three.

  • - Oh, then I've got dirt on my glasses. - All right, a dead cat. I've figured the problem.

  • Say, who are you, anyway, did I hire you?

  • I'd say this is the work of a true satanist.

  • And real satanists always have long black hair.

  • - I have no idea who he's trying to point at. - Neither do I.

  • Surely the one over there.

  • What? Why me?

  • Yeah, he listened to Metal one time.

  • Yes but

  • listening to Metal doesn't necessarily make you a satanist.

  • - or just as little the other way round - Yes it does!

  • OK...

  • Well, to be honest...

  • I used to be a bass player in a Gothic Metal band,

  • We called ourselves "The Black Undead Blood-Soaked

  • Washing rags".

  • Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death!... Death!... Death! Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!De

  • I hardly believe that Potter has got the spunk to perform genuine satanist rituals, but still...

  • he hasn't turned up to his tuition lesson with me today.

  • Oh, he did it with me.

  • And I

  • blew him off.

  • That guy's been here for a week and he gets what I've been working to achieve for a year.

  • Well we observed earlier how Harry stepped into shit.

  • - Do you have to tell everyone? - Nice.

  • Go on.

  • So after I had stepped into shit

  • We heard a screaming cat and came here immediately but it was too late by that time.

  • Oh, don't worry, Harry!

  • But what will become of pussy?

  • I just buy another cat which looks exactly like the old one and trick him into taking it.

  • That guy's falling for it time and time again.

  • But I want my OLD pussy back!

  • Your old pussy has been dead for 30 years.

  • - I ran it over. - What?

  • Yes sorry.

  • If it cheers you up, these two bitches over here are going to

  • be dancing in my next music video with their fat naked wobbly booties.

  • What?

  • Not good? Well, I've tried everything.

  • By the way, I'll be releasing a new album very soon, it's called "grandmother fucker".

  • I'm dancing in the video!

  • You're gonna buy that, right?

  • Yes...

  • Iam fucking your grandma

  • into a coma,

  • Iam fucking your grandma...

  • - Harry, what's your secret? - My secret for shiny, luscious hair?

  • - Head & Shoulders ... - No, your secret for men!

  • Firstly that affair with Severus Snape,

  • now that thing with Gilderoy Fuckshard.

  • Why do all the men sleep with you?

  • Not all the men want to sleep with me.

  • - That'd mean Ron would want me. - But I do want you!

  • Ron doesn't count.

  • - Why? - He wanted to shag a meatball during lunch

  • because it smelled randy.

  • Yeah, of meat!

  • I'm merely a talking painting, but...

  • you need help, kid.

  • Yes, dear little children, shut your gobs, I want to announce something.

  • Due to the recent cruel events

  • I have decided to make my classes more fun.

  • Yes!

  • You should be merry and motivated in school.

  • Therefore I suggest that we start with some funny.

  • Who of you would like to tell a joke?

  • Me.

  • Yes, Miss Granger?

  • So, a horse walks into a bar. And the bartender asks the horse:

  • "Why the long face?"

  • [End of edited translation]

  • Yeah, well that was a really...

  • hilarious cracker, we should start every lesson like that.

  • Do you want me to tell another one?

  • Oh, don't exaggerate.

  • But this one's really funny.

  • What does the leper say to the hooker?

  • "Keep the tip."

  • That one's as old as me, girl.

  • I suggest that Draco tell a joke next time.

  • Dam Dam dadam!

  • Hermione if we were the last \hpeople on earth would

  • and the survival of mankind \hwould depend on us,

  • - would you sleep with me? - No?

  • I'd hate to live on a planet, \hto which all people descend from you.

  • And if I and Ron were the only men and you had to choose,

  • - Who would you prefer to sleep with? - Probably with none of you.

  • because I'm a lesbian. And Lesbians \hdon't sleep with men, you know.

  • So if we were the last people on earth,

  • and I would be a woman, then you would sleep with me?

  • Yes, possibly.

  • And if I were a woman, but we weren't the last humans on earth,

  • - Then as well? - Maybe, but you would have to chop off

  • your dicks before anything can go on between us. - Isn't there another way apart

  • from chopping your dick off? I mean,

  • we can pinch it back and

  • put two oranges into a bra, put it on and then... - I've always wanted to put on a bra!

  • Guys, believe me, that would not be the same.

  • But ... There would be a way!

  • - Yes? - Oh really?

  • Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only girl with lines at this school,

  • I'm tired of sleeping with extras.

  • So as women you'd come in handy for me, I just say:

  • - transgender operation. - Daam da-dam Dam!

  • - Stop it, Ron! - Sexual intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases ...

  • transgender operations.

  • Look, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" \hthis is my favorite book!

  • Guys! I've found it. Here, have a look here.

  • We need a so-called "Polyjuice Potion"

  • the only consists of pure estrogen, \hwhich you need to drink and then you will become women.

  • What's that? Real Women?

  • With breasts and vagina and all?

  • - Exactly. - How cool is that?

  • - I'm gonna fondle myself all day long. - Yes...

  • As if you wouldn't be fondling yourself as a man all day long.

  • But I'm just reading that

  • until the drink is ready, it takes

  • - one month. - What?

  • One month?

  • - Oh man! - I ... I can not wait that long!

  • I'm loaded like a catapult if you know what I mean.

  • And that old stuff needs to get out, I don't want to keep it even another day.

  • Yes, I understand you.

  • Not! Because I am a girl, \hand we're not loaded.

  • As the following Quidditch scenes \hare a little lengthy,

  • we shall play this all at double speed,

  • to achieve a humorous effect.

  • That's what you get when you play everything at double speed.

  • - Hopefully he's broken his neck this time - Harry Potter has caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!

  • Just like last year.

  • - Harry! - Again! Man, this game never gets boring!

  • Harry, are you okay?

  • No, I think my arm is broken.

  • Do not worry, dear. I'm here now,

  • Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

  • - No, I'm breathing. - Oh, you can never be sure enough,

  • show me your little arm.

  • I'm pulling back your jumper very gently.

  • Remind you of something? Like yesterday, \hwhen I gave you a blow job

  • and slowly pulled back your foreskin?

  • - Yes... - Wait, I'll help you.

  • Armus

  • better-againus!

  • Was that Latin?

  • Yes, of course, every magician knows Latin.

  • Okay, now that was not planned that way, but you can ...

  • You can...

  • You can form fun stuff from your arm now.

  • Look, a duck!

  • Funny, right?

  • My arm...

  • Come on, do not be sad, boy.

  • Give me your arm here!

  • - So ... - Au, Ouch!

  • Here, a poodle!

  • Harry enjoyed the poodle for another six days. On the 7th day he decided to pop into the hospital wing with his boneless arm.

  • I've got abdominal pain and nausea, \hI think I'm on my period.

  • Forget it, Malfoy!

  • Only girls have that.

  • - Equal rights! - No!

  • That, only girls have, too!

  • Well, I regret to say that I don't have a potion that can regrow bones, but

  • this should do the trick as well.

  • Have you noticed there's a skull on that bottle?

  • I got the first season of "ER" on DVD.

  • I know what I am doing!

  • This stuff will make flaccid limps grow stiff again:

  • - Liquid Viagra. - Oh, cool.

  • This tastes like piss!

  • I didn't think anyone would notice the difference.

  • Well ...

  • Hey! Is there a doctor anywhere?

  • Hello!

  • Oh, Patient

  • - 773 - No!

  • It is there!

  • - It is really there! - What ... What's going on?

  • Are you ready for your electric shock therapy?

  • No! No!

  • What is this place?

  • Hello!

  • - It's me, the Mr Filthy. - Shit, you scared me!

  • Are you still interested in a blowjob?

  • Or at a Birthday CD for your friend

  • Ingeborg?

  • No thanks.

  • - Okay, but ... - Also, I can jerk off again now,

  • - I don't need your help. - Yes, but right now you have a broken,

  • - right arm, hence no jerk. - Mate, forget it!

  • I've even got chances of having sex with a real girl.

  • Well, I can't keep up with a real girl, but ...

  • Damn, I need the money! \hI'd really do anything, you know?

  • Everything!

  • Come on, four euros!

  • Four euros for a blowjob!

  • - Four euros? - Yes.

  • Yo mama does blowjobs for 4 euros!

  • Yes I know.

  • Okay, my final offer:

  • - One euro. - One euro?

  • A Euro for a hand job. Look what these beautiful Hands could do with your penis.

  • You know what? I'll give you one euro, \hif you now leave me alone,

  • jump from my bed and land on your ass.

  • OK.

  • Ow! Ow ...

  • - You really do that. - Owowow ...

  • I think that was my coccyx.

  • I want my euro now!

  • Well, no, I haven't got anything on me, but ...

  • Why do you always come to me ,

  • - when you want money? - Well, because you're Harry Potter!

  • - Yes and? - You're totally famous and totally rich!

  • - Am not? - Are too! That was in the first film,

  • just got cut out.

  • You were with Hagrid in \hDiagon Alley or something in this weird

  • Leprechaun savings bank.

  • Try to remember!

  • Leprechaun Terminal 2, please puncture more notes. Leprechaun Terminal. 2

  • Hagrid?

  • - Where are we? - Stamp, stamp, stamp!

  • You shitty savings book, I'll stamp you to death!

  • Well how are you going to pay the wand, that you absolutely wanted?

  • - With money. - Yes, and where do you usually get money from?

  • - Savings bank? - Elementary, Dr Watson.

  • - Hello! - Yes...?

  • We would like to rob this savings bank.

  • Well, I hope you've got more than this little boy with you

  • because I'm not really afraid of this git.

  • Oh, right, shit, Sorry, wait a second.

  • Where have I put it?

  • Ah, here!

  • - The key to my bike lock. - Ah yes.

  • It's outside, that's my escape bicycle.

  • And here is this special note which I'm passing you very inconspicuously.

  • Yes, what do I do with it?

  • Well on there it says you should now inconspicuously put money in a bag with a dollar sign on it.

  • You're being serious, aren't you?

  • Dead serious.

  • Wow!

  • I mean: Wow, so much money!

  • Wow.

  • Yes...

  • Well Harry, look behind you, a squirrel!

  • Where?

  • Where did that memory come from?

  • Now!

  • Now ... Now let's be plain!

  • Now that you've rediscovered your memory because of me, how about a reward?

  • - No? - But now it's not only TV Licensing,

  • but also the benefit office.

  • They're saying I'd have to repay €20,000 because I haven't been a child for ten years.

  • Mate that doesn't apply to you anyway because you're a gnome and not a human child.

  • Don't say that too loud!

  • They can hear us.

  • Now listen to me. I hate people like you,

  • who live at the expense of the state, although they don't contribute to the system.

  • Oh but I am contributing!

  • I'm studying art history \hand philosophy, that's classy.

  • Then why do I feel like I'm holding a piece of shit?

  • Urgh, there was shit on his shirt.

  • Yo!

  • Mail for me, mail for me,

  • - I got mail, I'm happy! - Professor Dumbledore, what's all this shouting?

  • What are we doing here?

  • Have you not been listening? I did the "Mail For Me" Rap!

  • Here you go: express delivery for Mr Dumbledore.

  • Yo, thanks a bitch and how a lit day, mate.

  • Yes, thank you.

  • What the hell have you spend the school budget on this time?

  • I auctioned a digital camera on eBay: Best one, brand new.

  • Are you sure?

  • Well, now that you mention it, looks a bit...

  • worn...

  • Quite a weird make. It's probably vintage.

  • That's not vintage. More like retarded.

  • Hey, watch out!

  • If there's someone to use unnecessary youth slang, it's me.

  • Am I understood?

  • Biatch!

  • Alright, now this...

  • Hermione?

  • - Yes? - So, you said the potion

  • consists only of pure estrogen.

  • Why are you putting in loads of other stuff?

  • Because pure estrogen would taste like fish yogurt.

  • That would be as if I stopped washing myself for 3 weeks and you would have to lick me.

  • On principle, that's nothing I'd object to, but

  • can I pick a flavour for the potion? Like

  • - Custard? - Never use the custard, that would be a disaster.

  • Just think of Masculine Myrtle.

  • What?

  • Masculine Myrtle.

  • - Who? - Masculine Myrtle also tried

  • to brew a Polyjuice Potion, only she added vanilla.

  • - Who is Masculine Myrtle? - I am Masculine Myrtle!

  • Why the daft looks? Have you never \hseen a transparent, floating hermaphrodite?

  • - Hermaphrodites? - Yes, that's what happens to you

  • if you put vanilla into that stuff. Your dick comes off and you turn transparent.

  • And you won't even be able to touch yourselves. It is to cry for!

  • She's got a screw loose.

  • Come closer!

  • Come

  • closer!

  • I hope all see me,

  • and all hear me, and all

  • smell me.

  • Awesome, he farted into my face!

  • Excellent!

  • Given the threatening, Satanic incidents in recent days,

  • Fresh Dumbledore has entrusted me with organising a little battle.

  • So,

  • - let the games begin! - Oh, his coat!

  • Oh man, lost in the very first round!

  • Yeah, what a noob!

  • Thank you for this demonstration of your powers,

  • Professor Snape. I will now continue discussing this with you tonight.

  • but now I'll beat you in a field in which I guarantee you that you're certainly not as good as me, which is...

  • - Mathematics. - Oh really?

  • Then please calculate this: What's the sum of the numeral sequence from 1-36

  • added up?

  • I wont tell you,

  • you buffoon!

  • So, we now need new candidates.

  • we're looking for a pair,

  • - Potter, Weasley, fancy a go? - We're not a couple,

  • - We're just good friends. - Weasley spreads stupidity wherever he goes.

  • You can feel your own IQ go down by just...

  • I wonder if chickens can eat ponies.

  • looking at him. May I therefore \hSuggest someone from my house?

  • Take me! Take me!

  • Malfoy,

  • - for example? - Yes that's me!

  • Yes!

  • - Good luck, Potter. - Thank you very much.

  • And do not forget those nice duelling moves:

  • Wand up, down,

  • bow down,

  • spin around thrice, sing "All my little ducklings"

  • all on one leg, and if one of you falls over,

  • he loses.

  • Afraid, Potter?

  • Dream On.

  • Wow, savage comeback!

  • Hey, you haven't sung "All my little ducklings"!

  • To underscore the drama I now sing a battle song. Attention!

  • Oh man...

  • Fuck you-and-shut-uppus!

  • - Oh God, Harry! - No! Crap!

  • Just wait!

  • You-can't-sire-childrenus!

  • My balls!

  • Hopefully no one recorded that on camera!

  • Get up!

  • What does an Aryan boy say?

  • - Heil Hitler! - Finish that Nazi-bastard!

  • This school is a complete shambles and full of faggots!

  • Cool, a snake!

  • I actually intended to lift a feather.

  • Oh God!

  • - I love you... -Oh, piss off!

  • I'll remove the snake.

  • Allow me, Professor Snape?

  • I'll do it.

  • Shizzle ma Dizzle!

  • What do I do now?

  • Oh God, it seems as if \hthey speak a completely different language.

  • Hallo ich bin Harry Potter. Wie geht es dir?

  • Konichiwa!

  • Hola!

  • [in French] Hello, my name is Harry Potter. How are you? - Very well. And you?

  • How are you? - Fine

  • - Would you like a cheese sandwich or an apple sandwich?

  • -I forgot to take my French book from home.

  • -What's your phone number? - No!

  • - Shit!

  • Couldly speak more slowly, please?

  • Ayayay!

  • Huh? What ... What was that?

  • What kind of game is this?

  • What do you want from me? Who are you anyway? Extra No. 27?

  • To look pensive \hI give myself a difficult math problem.

  • Since when has Harry been able to speak French so well?

  • Harry! Harry, wait a moment!

  • - Harry! Harry! - Harry!

  • Harry, listen to me now!

  • What the hell just happened?

  • - Why? What? - You were talking to a snake.

  • So what?

  • Why not? I can do that, I just recently did that in the zoo.

  • The other day a year ago.

  • What's so bad about that, anyway?

  • I talk to any animal I want to talk to, okay? To elephants and

  • to ants and to goats

  • - And to wildebeests and ... - Harry, shut up now. This is not about you

  • talking to animals, but the fact that you spoke a different language.

  • Why a different language?

  • I was talking to it just like I'm talking to you right now:

  • in German, very ... - [in French] I'm a small glass of milk!

  • - What did you call me? - You were speaking some Parisian shite!

  • - Parisian, or something. - French.

  • Oh God, I spoke Parisian?

  • That ... I didn't even notice it.

  • Why am I suddenly able to speak a language I don't know?

  • Aside from the fact that it's French and not Parisian,

  • I find it all rather strange.

  • Why do all men want something from you, and why did Filch's Pussy have to die?

  • Why do you know French?

  • All these mysterious events

  • - Must have a common reason. - You should call the FBI!

  • I find that rather paranormal.

  • I think their number is 911.

  • That's the emergency hotline, Ron!

  • Oh ...

  • But

  • not a bad idea.

  • The FBI.

  • We are Agents Mulder and Scully of the FBI.

  • Uh yes hello, this is Harry Potter

  • of "Harry Potter".

  • And I have a problem, namely

  • I ... I can talk to snakes, in

  • French.

  • I hardly believe that the FBI

  • - is concerned with such trifles. - But ... But I ...

  • Wanker!

  • We are Agents Mulder and Scully of the FBI.

  • Doorbell prank!

  • Alright! That'll teach them!

  • Eek, piss.

  • And I would have been such a great case for them.

  • I can talk to snakes,

  • I can speak French without noticing, I can...

  • see dead people.

  • Wow.

  • Oh God!

  • No.

  • No!

  • Extra No. 27 is dead!

  • My best friend, we've been through so much together!

  • Oh, a gold ring.

  • Well, I better keep it in a safe place for you.

  • Got you!

  • First my pussy and now Extra No. 27, huh?

  • - Have I caught you in the act, you Satanist! - No, that wasn't me!

  • No, wait, I just ...

  • I ... I just ...

  • I have to stop him somehow.

  • There is only one way, I have to unleash my diligently-trained killer spiders upon him.

  • Goooo ooon, crawl!

  • Crawl after him and kill him!

  • Hello!

  • No! No, he has gone the other direction.

  • No! No, do not jump out of the window, no!

  • Bad spider, bad spider!

  • Should have trained them longer than just one day.

  • - So, there we have the culprit! Ui!

  • Uiui!

  • Uiui, ui!

  • Ui! Uiuiuiuiuiuiui!

  • It was like that when I came here.

  • Two murders in one week is too much, Potter

  • But ... But it wasn't me! \hI can't kill a man!

  • Okay, I have tried to kill Neville several times, but

  • everyone does!

  • Come on, give me a chance!

  • That's up to the headmaster.

  • Why am I afraid?

  • The headmaster is Fresh Dumbledore. \hThat's my homie, yo.

  • - How do I get up there now? - Do open Sesame!

  • You are now entering Fresh Dumbledore's office!

  • Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,

  • Come in, come out,

  • does not matter to me,

  • that is Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,

  • Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,

  • just step in, man!

  • Hello?

  • Fresh Dumbledore?

  • - Oh Yeah! -Strange doorbell.

  • - Oh man! Hey,... - This is very different from what I imagined

  • - Not be, - Where are the chrome rims? And the hookers?

  • - Crap... - Hello?

  • Hello!

  • Yo! Yo! Yoyoyo, Yo!

  • - I rap on about myself, - 'Aw, a pigeon!

  • - And here my flow! - Can you say "Polly wants a cracker"?

  • - Yo! Yo! - Can you say "Wall Street"?

  • "Wall Street"?

  • Yo! What's going on?

  • Fresh Dumbledore!

  • I...

  • Well, your pigeon...

  • it burst into flames all by itself.

  • I... I didn't light it or something

  • - like I'd usually do. - Oh, that is not a problem, Harry

  • that does not matter. At. All.

  • because this is no pigeon,

  • but a phoenix!

  • What's a phoenix?

  • A phoenix is ​​much better than a dog, or

  • A cat, they do not have skill,

  • and a phoenix

  • rises again from its ashes again, \hJust have a look, mate!

  • Wow!

  • Is it not an ugly, little, screeching, mole-rat-like critter?

  • Yes.

  • The funny thing is I once thought you could burn all animals,

  • Well ...

  • Professor Dumbledore!

  • Professor Dumbledore!

  • A boy was killed, and I'm super sure it was Harry Potter's fault!

  • - What? - Chill out, Hagrid! - Because he just pretends to be your friend

  • - and then he stabs you in the back. - Shut your fat face for a sec, Hagrid!

  • Of course, he does it.

  • How so?

  • One can not help but verbally abuse you, because you're fat

  • - And ugly, and you stink. - Yes, but maybe I'm...

  • Oh!

  • Oh, you ...

  • So you don't like me either, huh?

  • It's okay,

  • - no problem. - Get lost!

  • I'll just go back to my fat, ugly, stinky hut and cry!

  • I didn't know that you don't like Hagrid, too!

  • Nobody likes Hagrid.

  • I just hired him so that people could make fun of him.

  • I see.

  • Now, let's get to the actual reason why you're here.

  • Is there anything you would like to tell me? Something

  • about love?

  • No.

  • No, nothing about love.

  • - Really? - No.

  • Oh.

  • Ah yeah, I get you.

  • - That it'd jeopardise our friendship, right? - Yes, yes, exactly!

  • He will be mine...

  • Oh yes, he will be mine.

  • Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,

  • Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh,

  • - Yay! - Zip your lips

  • - Flitwick! - Why do we sit so far away from everyone else,

  • - Do they not like us? - Nonsense, they love us!

  • are just too shy to sit with us.

  • Yes! Yes exactly!

  • - How embarrassing. - Now, as I'm sure that you've forgotten what we're doing

  • I'll ask you again:

  • Do you really want to drink the estrogen potion \hso you transform in women

  • so you can sleep with me because I'm a lesbian?

  • - Uh, yeah. - But I think,

  • that you don't have the slightest idea \hwhat this means for you.

  • After all, you permanently lose \hyour organa genitalia masculina.

  • - What? - And what's this ...? - Hold on, I'll show you!

  • These two tarts represent your testicles.

  • They'd be gone.

  • - What? Gone? What do you mean by that? - Ovaries!

  • Your testicles will slowly shrivel away, retreat back into your bodies and form fully functional ovaries.

  • Ovaries, which means we get menstruation!

  • Are we going to menstruate through the penis?

  • Not quite, I'll show you.

  • This represents your penis.

  • Small and insignificant with a \hstrange bump on top.

  • It'll be gone as well, do you get what I mean?

  • Consider it carefully. You will never see your testicles again.

  • Daam dadam dam!

  • Hey, I can see that bloke's balls from under his rope.

  • What are we doing here?

  • No idea.

  • Stop! No need to live with a sore throat, \hTake Wick cough drops!

  • Wick cough drops: They work and taste great!

  • Look there!

  • - A tart. - Tart!

  • - 'Cause we only got so few of them. - Oh yummy!

  • Another one.

  • With cream filling.

  • They taste funny!

  • Kind of bitter!

  • The ate our testicles!

  • - It's about time that we become women. - Yes!

  • - Yeah! - Estrogen!

  • Should I tell them that pure estrogen

  • has only caused a sex change in fish and frogs so far?

  • It's for science.

  • - You're welcome. - Thank you, estrogen is green and lumpy?

  • - And for you. - Thank you.

  • And I'll have one as well because you can never be too feminine.

  • - Add your favourite flavour. - Peppermint.

  • - Strawberry. - Hair of a dog that bit me.

  • Lucky! You were run over by Torsten!

  • - I am Torben! - Chin Chin!

  • - Cheers! - Here's to you, folks!

  • It tastes like my grandma's armpit!

  • It DOES taste like his grandma's armpit!

  • Actually doesn't ...

  • I must pretend like it's disgusting.

  • I have to

  • look at myself in the mirror.

  • Must... see

  • transformation...

  • Wow!

  • Cool! I'm transforming.

  • Pustules!

  • Female pustules on my skin!

  • Oh, cellulite! Cool!

  • I'm looking forward

  • to my beautiful,

  • female countenance.

  • My face.

  • I ... I'm ...

  • I am beautiful!

  • Man, I'm fat!

  • Would you look at these fingers? They're bigger than the arm of a child.

  • Oh God! It's been much worse on you!

  • What?

  • I am beautiful.

  • Don't you think that something has gone wrong?

  • Yes, now that you mention it,

  • I think I've got tits but

  • I can distinctly feel my penis.

  • Maybe that's a large clitoris.

  • - Yes exactly! - Wicked!

  • Hey, so now we can sleep with Hermione, right?

  • No, no... just start without me...

  • - I'll join you later. - Why, what's wrong with you?

  • Yeah, look, it's just ...

  • I want to shave.

  • Okay, that's reasonable. Let's pull some guys!

  • Hey, I'm sure back there we'll find guys to mess with.

  • OK!

  • Look, there's one already.

  • - Mate, you crazy? That's my brother! - So what?

  • Come on, chat him up!

  • Hey, sugar-tits... ...

  • - You need to sound like a girl. - Hey sugar-tits, how about us two?

  • Wanna smooch?

  • You sound like my brother Ron with a high-pitched voice.

  • Moreover, I've got standards. You do know that you're fat and ugly, don't you?

  • So what's this all about? Are you gay?

  • No, we are girls. See,

  • I've got tits, he's got tits...

  • - we are... - What am I beholding?

  • I've never seen such tight arses. You're well fit!

  • - These glasses remind me of someone. - Oh, those! I found those!

  • - No, somebody gave them me! - Someone gave them you?

  • - I was saying I've got them since birth. - Since birth?

  • OK.

  • And what are you doing here, \h* Insert random abuse *?

  • You ordered me here, \hyou wanted you to meet me.

  • Well, I found something better.

  • And I thought you had standards...

  • What?

  • That was the sofa.

  • Yes, the sofa.

  • Oh, my goodness.

  • Mate, I'm sitting right next to you!

  • Sorry,

  • I felt motivated.

  • Do you know what I find funny?

  • You remind me of my friends shit and Goyle, who I haven't seen for hours.

  • But they had completely different voices, as far as I can remember.

  • Doesn't matter. The important thing is that you two have the same fat

  • - arses like them. - Damn it, I'm beautiful!

  • What?

  • Are you claiming there's someone more ugly than you so you can say you're beautiful?

  • Who is that?

  • Harry Potter?

  • Mate...

  • God knows I'm hard to convince.

  • Very good, Goyle imitation.

  • You are absolutely right.

  • Shit Potter!

  • And people actually believe \hhe would be a real Satanist.

  • Well, I've heard from a few people

  • that ... That he's well good-looking and that he's a bomb in bed.

  • He's a silly little wimp.

  • I've heard he wants to turn into a girl, so he can sleep with this lesbian Hermione,

  • because he never had someone in bed.

  • Is that a bomb?

  • OK.

  • Ouch!

  • In all honesty: Basically everyone knows more about Potter's past than he himself.

  • Do you know what allegedly happened after his parents got killed?

  • They shot child pornography with him and only that made him famous.

  • They say it happened in this very school, in a cellar

  • In a secret cellar.

  • In a porno cellar.

  • - Hey, Hey! Calm down, calm down! - What's wrong with you?

  • I just said "porno cellar".

  • Well, the thing is this is the first time the porno cellar is being mentioned in this dub.

  • Oh, okay. Huh?

  • Mate!

  • - What's this? Oh God! - Your scar!

  • Hermione said it's permanent!

  • Oh God, your hair!

  • Oh, a hearing aid.

  • Oh no, I'm losing my beauty! No!

  • Hey, tell Dumbledore I've found his hearing aid.

  • - Hermione! - Hermione! Hermione!

  • Hermione, something went wrong.

  • Went wrong?

  • I've never seen such a hairy pussy.

  • That's what went wrong.

  • But but....

  • Hermione, you wanted to shave!

  • Hermione?

  • Don't look at me!

  • Can't see anything.

  • Must put on glasses.

  • I, I think I took too much estrogen.

  • I have become a walking pussy.

  • Just look at your tail!

  • - Now that stunt well burnt our backsides! - Yes.

  • I mean our pants...

  • - I mean that was way futile ... - I don't want to transform

  • - 'into a Lesbian woman anymore. - Neither do I.

  • And I also don't want to marry Ginny. I need a real girlfriend!

  • Oh, wow! Look, water!

  • Did you know that its freeze point is at 0°C while its highest density is at 4°C?

  • - What? - Look, I am Jesus, I can walk on water.

  • Hey!

  • The negative thermal expansion of water is due to the hydrogen bonds.

  • We have spent too much time with Hermione.

  • For goodness sake, you're right, but who else would have me?

  • You know what? I'm gonna get married to Ginny!

  • If you manage to do that, I'll call my son Hugo.

  • Look there!

  • - Hello. - Ey!

  • - What are you doing in my loo, huh? - Hey, why are you crying like a sissy, huh?

  • - Yes, huh? -You wouldn't understand.

  • It's pretty lonesome as a floating, transparent hermaphrodite.

  • I'm always so alone.

  • Is that why you didn't help us while we were brewing the potion so that we'd turn into something like you?

  • That's totally mean of you!

  • I'm gonna show you how mean I can get.

  • For example, when I come to you at night,

  • yut your chest open and rip out your beating heart,

  • and then stuff it in your dumb face!

  • Hey, we can all be friends, or not?

  • Friends, huh? What do real friends usually do together?

  • - Maybe go shopping together? - Yes.

  • - Or pajama parties? - Yes exactly.

  • Or swapping worn underwear, huh?

  • No?

  • No one wants to wear my underwear ...

  • - What the hell...? - What's that lying around?

  • Oh, a grimy, moist old book.

  • Exactly what I need for my collection! Cool

  • Now I've got seven!

  • What?

  • Wow, yeah, what a grimy book.

  • I love that smell

  • of old paper.

  • I could do that all day.

  • But there must be something else you can use one of these books for, huh?

  • What ... What's that you learn in school again?

  • Oh, wait ....

  • Writing, exactly!

  • I'll do that.

  • Yeah, this'll be my rhyme book.

  • I'm gonna be just like Fresh Dumbledore.

  • OK...

  • "Roses are red,

  • Violets are blue,

  • you're ugly and you have no clue ".

  • Yeah!

  • Yeah, sick rhyme, yeah.

  • I'll be totally famous with that.

  • Dear Diary ... Dear Diary, today was the first time I met Professor Dumbledore. It was great.

  • Dear diary, today I was in Dumbledore's office.

  • Dear diary, today has Dumbledore gave me an ice lolly,

  • - But he wanted me to lick it in front of him. That was weird. - Dear Diary...

  • Dear Diary...

  • Dumbledore ... Dumbledore ...

  • What is this?

  • Where am I?

  • Looks like Hogwarts, only

  • discolourised.

  • And there's a big pig.

  • Someone's over there...

  • Hello!

  • Hello!

  • Hello!

  • Hello!

  • Hello, you're deaf-mute, or blind, or something?

  • Hey!

  • Hello! I'm talking to you, you bum!

  • - Hello... - Careful, careful!

  • Here is a corpse transport! Attention, please stand aside!

  • Attention, attention, caution!

  • Out of the way!

  • There's nothing to see here is just a corpse.

  • Corpse, hot and greasy!

  • - Hey, a little more respect, please! - Sorry.

  • Boh........-y!

  • Come over please.

  • Professor Dumbledore!

  • Do you have another ice lolly for me to lick?

  • - Dumbledore? - Oh, but no, Tom Todger.

  • Why are you lurking 'round the corridors, Tom Todger, and anyway, how are you,

  • - Tom Todger? - Could you please stop

  • repeating my name that loudly?

  • I'm a little embarrassed, to be honest.

  • Why, because the cat off "Tom and Jerry" had the same name or what?

  • No ... So have you

  • already looked into that novel music style?

  • - That negro speech song, which I told about? - Oh, you mean this "hip hop".

  • No, I haven't had time yet.

  • I am working on a cure for cancer and AIDS.

  • - Wow. - Would you not like to rest your research for a brief moment

  • and check out this hip-hop?

  • After all, it's for the children.

  • - Well, for the children. - I know you like children.

  • Or, like the cool people say

  • - For the kidz! - Yes exactly.

  • For the kidz.

  • Couldn't have said it better. You're a natural talent.

  • I am a natural talent, \hey, no I did not doze off during speech song lessons!

  • Yes, that sounds good. I think I will further my studies in that field.

  • Yeah, great.

  • Seeya around, alright?

  • Bye, Tom Todger!

  • How am I gonna call myself now?

  • - Dumbledore! - Yes exactly! Oh no, that's my name anyway.

  • Well, something with "D", "Fresh D".

  • Fresh D!

  • Wowy!

  • - A, B, C, D, E ... - That's a really weird book, Harry.

  • Tom Todger, who is that? - Hermione when you were a pussy,

  • did you lick yourself and did you have to

  • - poop into a litter box? - No.

  • Ron, I travelled into the past and I met Fresh D, and...

  • why are you carrying 3 books?

  • Yeah, I was about to ask that as well,

  • - Are you trying to act like an intellectual or something? - Hey, I'm really reading these!

  • Maybe I'm very keen on books about quantum physics

  • and I'm not pretending to look smarter than I actually am.

  • Looking smarter than you actually are? You don't happen to be talking about me, huh?

  • No?

  • Did he just insult himself?

  • What's that in your hand, Hagrid?

  • Oh, yes, that's a watering can.

  • - Aha. - That mongo granny gave it to me.

  • Because it's my birthday today, just so you know.

  • But you really don't have to get me anything,

  • because I wouldn't need need a dildo in shape of a dinosaur penis or something...

  • So, there's gonna be a do at my place tonight...

  • OK.

  • Yes, there's just one problem for you:

  • You're not invited, so we will have to make celebrate without you and

  • have lots of fun!

  • OK.

  • Well, poor bastards!

  • - Pity. - Shit, Hagrid, I would

  • have loved to go to your party.

  • Not!

  • See you on the party tonight, Neville. - Yes!

  • Hey guys, I did something really nasty, you absolutely need to check that out!

  • What the hell? Oh...

  • - Look, look! - What's going on?

  • I demolished your entire room and broke your stuff because I want to me mean, just like you.

  • Look, I smashed your lamp as well as

  • that silly photo of your parents.

  • - My parents... - And I tore all your books to pieces and I

  • also plucked your pigeon. Isn't that super awesome?

  • Am I part of the gang now?

  • - Shit, no! - Oh man, ey.

  • - Neville, you stupid penguin! - Shit, shit ...

  • - What is that? - Shit, my poetry books,

  • - My friendship books! - Harry we were the only ones

  • who actually wrote an entry.

  • Indeed, and my proverb for you will continue to be "sausage is life".

  • Thou shalt have no other gods but Sausage Satan!

  • Sausage is life!

  • Heil sausage!

  • Hello my ladies and gentlemen, \hwelcome to "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop"

  • a subsidiary of "Woods Sooper Dooper Shop"

  • the selling frenzy against "Flint's Mega Nigger Store".

  • - We need to increase our sales dramatically. - How are we supposed to pull that off with those manky brooms?

  • Every normal solicitor sells hoovers!

  • But that's not the only thing we sell, we also sell the latest fashion!

  • Oh, I love this camouflage style hat.

  • - Yes, you are so camouflaged, I can't even see you! - Zip it! I didn't by it from you!

  • but at Primark and now piss off, would you?

  • - Okay! - Potter?

  • I have a good news and bad news for you!

  • The good news is: I've got a Hermione rubber doll for you.

  • - Cool! Awesome! - I want to see it, too!

  • - I want to see too! - Yes, the bad news is:

  • For some reason the real Hermione

  • has turned into a pile of rubber.

  • - Oh God! Oh God! - Hermione?

  • No.

  • How could that happen?

  • - Hermione? - Oh, should I have warned you,

  • that this might shock you?

  • Ah, here we are... I'll just take this mirror and blind you with it!

  • Blindy, blindy, blindy, blindy, Well, now it's a lot better, right?

  • No?

  • well go eff yourself, then!

  • Hermione, the things I could do with your body now...,

  • but

  • I believe,

  • it'd be true love if I don't do it.

  • Oh yes? Fuck you, man!

  • - Fuck you! - Children, hold your snouts!

  • - We're not saying anything. - Once again something terrible

  • has happened to a student, therefore the following new safety precautions will be in force:

  • First: No student is allowed to go to the loo on their own.

  • Second, if you need to go to the loo then ask a teacher if he joins you.

  • And thirdly,

  • you are not allowed to wipe your butt on your own but you will have to ask a teacher to assist you, too!

  • Also, Professor Fuckshard wants you to know that he'd be more than happy to help you!

  • And the school might have to be closed down if we cannot find out

  • who is behind all those terrible incidents.

  • And then I have to go retire and \hlive in my villa on Mallorca.

  • So, it wasn't me.

  • Oh, how bad!

  • Oh boy! The only thing that could cheer me up now is messing with Hagrid.

  • But messing with Hagrid is no fun without Hermione.

  • And even if we had fun,

  • it would be fun without Hermione, and that is mathematically impossible.

  • But if we do not have fun without Hermione, then that's double negative and that'll bring her back.

  • That sounds so stupid, \hthat it could work, okay.

  • - Great party! - Hey guys, do you want more beer?

  • Yes!

  • Stupid party noise cassette. Nobody's listening to it, anyway.

  • - Open up already, smelly bastard! - Yes!

  • Who's there?

  • This is a doorbell prank!

  • Doorbell what?

  • Oh man, it get's funnier each time...

  • - What's the matter? You always answer. - Listen kids, firstly you're not invited,

  • and secondly, the party is already over.

  • You missed all the fun.

  • There's still cake, so come on in.

  • - Do you want tea? - Okay. - Nice teacup, Hagrid.

  • Looks really great. I assume that was a gift.

  • - Yes! Yes, a gift ... - And really no one has had a bit of cake?

  • What a shame. I assume you made that all by yourself.

  • Yes.

  • But they were all full, because, \hI had baked two cakes.

  • Oh I see, but why does this place look as if ...

  • As if the carpet is made from your own hair.

  • As if no one turned up and you celebrated on your own.

  • Yes, because that would be really pathetic!

  • Didn't you hear the music? Things went crazy here!

  • Oh my God! Oh my God, \hreal guests! Scram!

  • OK.

  • How good that I took the invisble invisibility cloak that makes one invisible.

  • - Yes.

  • How did you find it?

  • Oh my God! Hi I...

  • - Oh hello! - Yo, it's me, Fresh D,

  • heard there's a party going on

  • thus I popped by, brought another guy

  • he's my gift to you.

  • Oh cool, thanks!

  • - Come in, please! - Yo!

  • - Mate, Fresh Dumbledore! - Come on in, man!

  • - He came to Hagrid's birthday party. - Naturally.

  • And he even brought a gift.

  • Yes, so your gift

  • is from the red-light district. Cost me 50 quid!

  • I admit this is a rather seasoned type, but I'm sure you can still stuff it pretty well.

  • Oui, I wanted to say,

  • that 50 € are a bit too little, since this guy is clearly oversize.

  • - What? I'm not gonna pay more! - Oh, I'm not really into you anymay.

  • I'm more into true blondes.

  • Hi, I'm Lucy Malfoy.

  • I happened to be in the area \hand thought I'd drop by.

  • - Blonde! - Oh right, that's right!

  • I am a real blonde.

  • I'd sit down on a radiator and wait for it to lick me.

  • - That smell... like that Weasley boy. - No that...

  • - No, that's not me. - Shhh, Ron!

  • No, that's right, he's got an entirely different voice.

  • Oh my god, it's true, it's Fresh Dumbledore?

  • Yo! Do I need to recognise you from anywhere for any particular reason?

  • Yes, I'm the president of the record company

  • of 'Fresh Dumbledore Enterprises "

  • - And we are waiting for a new album from you. - Oh, that's you!

  • - Hadn't recognised you. - Here's the contract you signed.

  • Always got it with me, just in case...

  • Contract, huh?

  • - Yes, the album! The album is almost finished. - But we have a feeling that you are no longer

  • longer the lord of the rings.

  • - What? - "in control of your things" is what I meant, of course.

  • I always confuse you with \hthis Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings".

  • who we're probably going to sign for a new contract if you don't happen to deliver a new album quite soon.

  • What?

  • You can't do that, \hafter all, this is Fresh Dumbledore!

  • He and his lines are the epitome of style and creativity!

  • Oh, really?

  • Shut your fat face, Hagrid!

  • Hey, if my record company wishes to,

  • sack me, then I will of course

  • Burst with anger.

  • Honestly, though:

  • I would just like to say:

  • The guy who played Gandalf in "Lord of the Rings" is the same one who played Magneto in "X-Men" and that is a guy

  • with an incredibly

  • silly helmet.

  • Absolutely convincing argument.

  • OK. You're still on.

  • You're still on, so long, Dumbledore!

  • You're still on,

  • - I'm doing it for the kids. I'm doing it all for the kids. - You're still on ...

  • Oh, parsley, I'll keep that for later.

  • Save some for me!

  • All goddamn day I'm forced to lying here and listen to you.

  • I wish you were with us.

  • - I am with you, you stupid ass! - We miss you so much.

  • And what I miss most about you is

  • your feminine, loving voice.

  • - I can't bear to listen to you anymore! Shut - But you probably can't even hear us.

  • your stupid face, you wanker!

  • - And stop touching me! - Perhaps we have to kiss her, like Sleeping Beauty.

  • - What's this? - At last, now that you've

  • peeked under my skirt for a dozen times, you're finally checking my hand.

  • Thank you, now read the note!

  • What's this?

  • - I ... I think that's ... - Read the paper, come on!

  • This is rubbish which Hermione absolutely \hwanted to throw away!

  • No! How can you be so goddamn stupid ?!

  • - I hate you, you stupid fucking wankers! - Come on, we'll look for a bin!

  • Don't you dare walk away when I insult you mentally!

  • I've never noticed that there aren't any bins arount the whole of the castle.

  • I always throw my rubbish out the window.

  • Help!

  • But now honestly, Hermione was a swot \hand swots are always like

  • "Save the Whales" and what not.

  • Maybe that was her dying wish, to throw away this note.

  • But perhaps her dying wish might have been for us to look at the note

  • and ... and read it.

  • I can see you, Harry.

  • And myself.

  • And a fire.

  • You know what?

  • I think we should look at the note

  • and just read it, what do you think?

  • - You're so smart, it'd never have gotten that idea. - Okay, so let's read it.

  • "Dear Miss Granger, please return your 'Rubber Fuck Master 500' to us immediately.

  • there has been an increase in side effects, such as rubberi- ... "

  • - Rubberisation, that's it! - What the hell is a "Rubber Fuck Master"?

  • If it's going to harm my masculine self-esteem, I don't want to know.

  • Hermione's got a reply for that, too...

  • Pi-pes.

  • Huh? I don't get it. What's going on, mate? - Microphone test 1 ...

  • Hey, this is mine, this is my mic!

  • So, I think Hermione was right.

  • Everything must lead to a common reason.

  • I think "Pi-pes" is Parisian.

  • And it means: Pipes.

  • - A long one? - Fresh D Micro Check!

  • Second try: True Satanist, now you're gonna be dissed,

  • and next time I'll give you my all if you smear graffiti on my wall, fuck off!

  • - Come on, quickly! - Yes.

  • Ui! Uiuiui!

  • Uiuiuiuiui! Here you can see,

  • the work of the Satanist.

  • The entire wall is smeared, \hand it's full of spelling mistakes.

  • Yes, death is written is spelt with an "EA"

  • - not with just an "E", so dumb! - Come on, let's hide inconspicuously behind this corner.

  • I can see you, Potter, and hear you well.

  • I'm awesome at hide and seek.

  • The worst case we've anticipated has occured.

  • The true Satanist has struck again and the school must be closed.

  • Hi, it's me, Gilderoy Fuckshard,

  • known from movies like "Fucking Fuck on Fuck Tower".

  • Yes, by now we all know your name, you can stop introducing yourself.

  • Stop...

  • introducing m-myself?

  • Hello, I'm Severus Snape, known from songs, \hlike "I hate you" and "Just get lost."

  • Don't you recognise it? I sang it outside your door for three days straight.

  • Apparently you can't do much else apart from introducing yourself and your films.

  • And nobody needs maths if you can do magic, thus you are hereby sacked.

  • Oh, what a pity.

  • Well, then I'll probably have to commit to another project.

  • A porn.

  • - Hi, it's me Filch, I'm having another cameo. - Ciao!

  • Whose blood is that on the wall, Minerva?

  • Ginny Weasley, I think.

  • Yes.

  • Strawberry days, I'm guessing

  • Shit, my future wife.

  • Ginny.

  • - Harry, where are you going? - Gilderoy Fuckshard has been part in so many porn productions.

  • He must have heard of the Rubber Fuck Master.

  • We have to ask him before he gets away.

  • - He's our only chance of saving Hermione! Professor! - Professor!

  • Professor, you ...

  • Ever heard of knocking?

  • Did you see something?

  • No, we did not catch a glimpse of all the women's clothes lying about.

  • Then it's all right.

  • Then I did not catch a glimpse of the jizz stains on Ron's trousers.

  • - That's custard! - I'm really sorry,

  • but I have no time for you, \hI'm working on an important project

  • and must prepare myself intensively.

  • Ah yes, my two-page script. - But you really must tell us everything

  • you know about dildos!

  • This is a matter of life and death!

  • Just so you know, I could charge you only for talking about that.

  • - Now leave me alone, I have to go. - Wait a second: Just one question:

  • - Do you know the "Rubber Fuck Master 500"? - Yes, I was involved in the development.

  • - Did you know that it rubberises people? - Of course I knew that, but if I had told

  • everyone from the start, nobody would've bought it, \hand I wouldn't have become rich.

  • You are a corrupt man

  • who exploits the sexual needs of others to fill his own pockets.

  • You're such a meanie!

  • Oh, Shut up! Since you mention it,

  • yes, I am corrupt, very corrupt even.

  • So corrupt that I sleep with little boys in secret porn cellars

  • and earn a great deal of money while the little boy rots away in the gutter.

  • And now that you know my secret, I will unfortunately have to kill you with my magic wand.

  • Through our superior intellect, we've seen through your cruel plan to kill us.

  • - Crap. - And now you will tell us

  • - Where the secret porn cellar is. - Yes.

  • There we are.

  • My God.

  • Were all those rumors true?

  • Wow.

  • Wow!

  • Is it really...?

  • Could it be...

  • that you're fucking with me and showing me the secret porn basin instead of the secret porn cellar?

  • - Well, I don't... - Hey, maybe there is something underneath,

  • and you have to press the secret porn button, or say "Open Sesame" or something.

  • Have you been eating Mentos, or why you're so smart?

  • Speaking of "Open Sesame"

  • There was that one phrase my mum said shortly before she died.

  • No, don't kill me, I have a family!

  • Kill them!

  • Yo momma is sucking dicks in hell.

  • Wow.

  • I must made that up.

  • Well, if that isn't a big, deep hole. Not that I lack the experience...

  • So, see you, you morons!

  • I'm alright!

  • So,

  • We'll just take the ladder, right?

  • Yeah, and then all this action shit happened, among other things:

  • "Super Hero Action Power Ron" who had the power to find people's weakspots.

  • What a boring stone.

  • Pass it over.

  • Kamehame Ha!

  • Ah yes, just like I suspected.

  • Without his neck he's defenseless.

  • Yes, and then I ran through that room

  • with all those snakeheads, and for some reason, Ginny was lyin there.

  • And then it transpired that Tom Todger made her smear the walls with blood

  • so everyone thinks I'm the real Satanist, \hso that my reputation is damaged,

  • because he was kind of jealous that my child porn "Harry Popper: Small but already shagged Part 1"

  • knocked his own child porn \h"Tom Todger in Todger Paradise"

  • off first place of the Child Porn charts.

  • And I'm jealous of you because you you knocked me off first place of the porn charts.

  • That's what I just covered in the off.

  • And completely out of style with previous narration

  • there came that killer fat snake \hthat somehow wanted to fight.

  • But I obviously defeated it, and...

  • then Tom Todger exploded.

  • And then we all could fly.

  • - And this is really how it all happened. - Not true,

  • - There was no ladder in the hole! - Yeah, well, I admit I added that.

  • - Oh. - Yeah, very nice of you to summira-... summari...

  • sum all that up, but you're aware of the fact that you broke a few rulez?

  • - Yes. - Yeah, can't say that I find that totally lit!

  • You may be my homies, but those who break the school rulez will be punished!

  • And that's why you'll get you what you deserve now:

  • A "3rd place in the dog beauty contest" certificate.

  • - Thank you. I've never won anything! - Very well done, you two!

  • So, then let me come buzzing round my pimped resolute desk.

  • Got this certificate for you ho, and I'm sure you're dying to know,

  • and outside there's a gift for you, who could've 'thinked' that too?

  • - A pack of Turkish Delight, all right? - Yay!

  • Yay, Turkish Delights!

  • - Yay! Yeah! Yeah Yeah Yeah ... - Yeah, well that was...

  • - A clever distraction on my part. - Yay! Yay!

  • And us two, Harry, we really need to have a serious word now.

  • - Yes? - Would you have a look round my office.

  • Just look at all those pretty things.

  • Do you think they pay off just like that?

  • Being a rapper, you don't earn that much money these days.

  • I remember when they invented rap. That was in sixteen hundred twelve and thirty

  • Napoleon and I used to have a school band.

  • And we were the coolest kids because we had mics while

  • the others hadn't even invented the light bulb. - Yes, well ...

  • I don't mean to insult you or something, but maybe you had better take a nap and take a tablet.

  • - What? - Because I've got the feeling that you are...

  • babbling incoherent nonsense.

  • I'll tell you what, boy

  • Just because I'm standing on my own beard and thus can't move any further, that doesn't mean

  • that I'm an old geezer.

  • There's a reason why I'm telling you all this, and let me make this very clear now:

  • The school budget is tight.

  • Yes?

  • Well, my Hip Hop doen't earn enough money.

  • Yes ... yes ... yes, and?

  • Sometimes students need do something for the school, you know?

  • - Shoot child pornography, for example ... - What?

  • Does that mean you've known of the secret porn cellar for all this time?

  • Known of my fate?

  • Yes.

  • Yes, I'm really sorry for you.

  • ... And she's like "Yes"

  • and I'm like "No" and then she's like "Yes".

  • Well, but in the end

  • I did get this hat here.

  • Lovely, isn't it?

  • Yes, you were actually going to tell me about the...

  • - porn cellar ... - Yeah, I'm in the middle of that!

  • This is all part of the story.

  • You need to know the background details \hto understand it all, you know?

  • It's no use beating around the bush, \hsometimes you have to get to the point,

  • - Yes? - Yes.

  • Just plainly say what's the matter and not just ...

  • Oh, look here, \hI just made myself a nice toast with jam.

  • - Look, still sticky. - Oh is that Hartley's?

  • Nice, sharp bread knife, isn't it?

  • Not sure where I got it from.

  • - I think Flori lent it to me. - But it says "Property of Godric Gryffindor."

  • Oh! Does it? I mean, I found it.

  • It was here when I moved in, you see?

  • Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,

  • come in...

  • Hey, you broke my office doorbell!

  • - Hello. - Hey!

  • Draco Malfoy's daddy!

  • Looks like he could spare those four euros for a blowjob, right?

  • What was that?

  • Four euros? You said "€50". Just you wait until we get home.

  • Stop making funny noises while I'm walking!

  • Hi, I'm Lucy Malfoy, President of your record company, in case you've forgotten.

  • And in case you're here to sack me,

  • I've sued you for unlimited employment, because I accidentally slipped on a wet floor

  • and fell down the stairs.

  • Oh damn!

  • Well well, a wet floor on company premises, but no "Caution Wet Floor" sign.

  • I guess I must have slipped accidentally.

  • I could've claimed compensations.

  • That was you, you did ...

  • What? What did I do?

  • You caused that wet floor.

  • You incontinent git peed all over the hallways

  • and then slipped on your own piss, \hto work for me forever.

  • Only an idiot could come up with such a silly idea.

  • - Why you looking at me? - Sorry, old habit.

  • So, since you are now working with us forever, \hWhen you are planning to produce

  • the next album?

  • In 20 years.

  • And what shall I

  • publish in the meantime?

  • I'll quickly read Harry's thoughts.

  • Ducktales, wohoo!

  • All right.

  • Merchandising!

  • - Ah yes. - Yo, Fresh D soft toys, Fresh D cornflakes,

  • Fresh D jackknives, everything a child loves.

  • And now for the most specialic thing:

  • Which is my

  • Rhyme book.

  • Well...

  • What should I do with it?

  • Ah, shit is what you should do with it. It only holds all my rhymes and all my crimes.

  • This is, one might say,

  • Fresh Dumbledore's brain in book format.

  • Each page is worth a mint and one could produce a track with it, but

  • you won't get it.

  • Oh, what a pity.

  • Well.

  • I shall be on my way, then.

  • And perhaps Mr Potter will continue to make silly noises while I'm walking.

  • Don't worry.

  • I will.

  • Who the hell are you?

  • Dumbledore?

  • That's me.

  • Senile old fart!

  • Come, Dobby!

  • Stop making funny noises!

  • Oh, those stupid idiots

  • - They've seen me for the last time. - Mr Malfoy! Mr Malfoy!

  • Hello Hello!

  • Hello,take note of me!

  • Hello!

  • - Yes what do you want? - I thought to myself,

  • maybe you could sign me, too! Here's my rhyme book.

  • What?

  • You ... you can rhyme?

  • Well, I'm not that great, but ...

  • let me give you a demonstration:

  • The small swine is mine, I'm fine, my swine is

  • a swine.

  • You used "swine" twice?

  • Yes, "swine" rhymes best to "swine".

  • Here, Dobby, hold this rag for me.

  • I'll tell you what:

  • Yes?

  • I would not even sign you on,

  • if you were a wart on my arse.

  • Got it?

  • Was that a chat-up to have sex with me?

  • Come, Dobby.

  • Time for that 4-euro blowjob.

  • Open it!

  • - Oh, wow! - Where are you, Dobby?

  • I didn't know that Master cares so much about Dobby's health.

  • What? I don't ...

  • The best protection against HIV, herpes and syphilis in one:

  • A cotton condom!

  • Fuck you, man!

  • So, then Harry Potter has been pretending all along

  • about becoming a rapper because he knew that I'd get the book?

  • Yes, sure, I knew that.

  • Hey look, Hermione's in the door!

  • What? What Where? What?

  • Hermione!

  • Wankers!

  • * Titty Jiggle Cam *

  • Tits.

  • Wallet.

  • Hey!

  • What's the matter?

  • You must have hardly been able to wash yourself while you were rubberised.

  • Well, you've got quite a pungent, fishy smell.

  • You stink of dog shit.

  • And what have you been up to while I was rubberised?

  • We went to Disneyland.

  • And I went on the Tea Cup ride, and Goofy and I shook hands.

  • Nice.

  • Children, hold your snouts for a moment, \hFresh Dumbledore wants to say

  • "Bye" in his very individual manner.

  • Yo, another year has passed,

  • and yet this rap song will not be my last,

  • and I still do old chicks, just did these two today,

  • proving that "dumb fucks well" is still valid to say.

  • or something like that, you know what I mean,

  • So check my fucking rhyme book to see that it's clean!

  • Yeah!

  • I'm so glad that I don't have to listen to that for six whole weeks!

  • - I hate Dumbledore! - Yeah and

  • I really can't be bothered to give out house points

  • so I'll just say,

  • like they do in Dora the Explorer:

  • Everyone's a winner!

  • Yes!

  • Oh what a bastard!

  • I have a vagina.

  • Ham!

  • And the good news is:

  • We have not been sued!

  • I feel as if I've forgotten something really important.

  • Thanks to all kidz out there! Thats all for you! 1996 01:28:20,147 --> 00:00:00,000 English subtitles by: Lalelilolu, Phloneme, DiZCrowd and Minecreeperlp

The following video material originates from the movie "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" that was

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ハリー・ポッターと秘密のP****keller [フルHD] 字幕付き (Harry Potter und der geheime P****keller [Full HD] mit Untertiteln)

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    Amy.Lin に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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