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  • The Addams family

  • I had no idea Cousin Bleak was such a difficult subject.

  • You're painting him from memory and it's a magnificent likeness.

  • Superb!

  • Thank you, darling.

  • There's something about the eyes,

  • I just can't seem to get them.

  • That lid droops just a bit too much.

  • The right eye or the left?

  • The middle one.

  • Perfect.

  • That's the look that used to get the girls.

  • (GRUNTING)

  • Darling, the children are going to be late for their birthday party.

  • Would you ring for Lurch?

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • You rang?

  • Yes, Lurch.

  • Would you get the children, please?

  • WEDNESDAY: We're coming!

  • PUGSLEY: We're coming!

  • Oh, what's that, darling?

  • Harold's birthday present. A tarantula.

  • Oh, dear Pugsley. He's so generous.

  • That old Addams tradition, a heart of gold.

  • Well, we'll have to have it gift-wrapped. Let's see now.

  • A birthday present. Festive occasion.

  • I think black would be appropriate.

  • Black it is, my dear.

  • Here, darling, let me do that.

  • You're all thumbs.

  • Wouldn't that be interesting?

  • Lurch, please take the children to the car.

  • LURCH: Yes, madam.

  • Where are they going?

  • Whee!

  • To the Pomeroy boy's birthday party.

  • You mean those people with the white picket fence

  • and the pink geraniums? How could you?

  • There's something to what he says, Morticia. They are a bit peculiar.

  • I bet they've got daisies in their backyard.

  • Please don't make me ill.

  • Now, now, now.

  • We must be tolerant of our neighbors.

  • (BIRDS CAWING)

  • Oh, thank you, Thing.

  • There you are, Pugsley!

  • GOMEZ: Your mother is still the world's best tarantula wrapper.

  • Now remember, children, not every family is as fortunate as we are.

  • Not everyone has a beautiful old house like ours.

  • And a car with all the right sounds and smells.

  • (ENGINE SPUTTERS)

  • You must be modest about our advantages.

  • We'll be good.

  • I know you will, darling.

  • I'm sure Harold will love his present.

  • (BLOWING HORN)

  • (ENGINE BACKFIRES)

  • Bye, children! Have a good time.

  • Pugsley, only five pieces of cake, now!

  • Well, I guess I'd better go in

  • and finish knitting my tea cozy.

  • Morticia,

  • don't move.

  • Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?

  • Not only across the threshold,

  • but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.

  • And I dropped you only once.

  • I'll swear these fish seem to know when you're gonna feed them.

  • They're a lot more aware than people give them credit for being.

  • That's breeding.

  • There's no waste with piranha.

  • Darling, I think the children are home.

  • I wonder what the children are doing back so soon?

  • I don't know.

  • Why are you home from the party so early?

  • GOMEZ: What happened? Was there trouble?

  • A small altercation.

  • Harold Pomeroy said his family was better than our family.

  • He said we were a bunch of kooks.

  • Kooks?

  • (GROANING)

  • Oh, he couldn't have meant it.

  • Of course not, how could the child fail

  • to recognize character when he sees it?

  • I told you the Pomeroys were no good.

  • With their neat little petunia patches.

  • Riffraff!

  • I tell you, they're nothing but riffraff.

  • Lurch, you better take the children to their rooms.

  • LURCH: Yes, madam.

  • I always did suspect those white plaster ducks out on the lawn.

  • Darling, some people have a twisted sense of beauty.

  • Rude behavior like that begins with the parents.

  • Well, what are you gonna do about it?

  • Just stand there and take it?

  • Certainly not. I'm going to send Pomeroy an insulting letter.

  • Darling, I don't think we should lend our name to such a thing.

  • He could sign it, "A friend."

  • An insulting letter signed, "A Friend."

  • That would be novel.

  • I think we should turn the other cheek.

  • No, when people insulted me, I always turned the other cheek.

  • Well?

  • I ran out of cheeks.

  • No, there's only one way to settle this.

  • Uncle Fester!

  • Uncle Fester, please, not that.

  • But, Morticia, the family honor!

  • He's right, Morticia, the family honor.

  • You'll have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.

  • No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.

  • Uncle Fester, that is not the honorable way.

  • I know, but it's the safe way.

  • Uncle Fester, I'm ashamed of you.

  • An Addams doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

  • I do. I'll shoot him in the back.

  • Uncle Fester, remember the Addams name!

  • It'll have to be a duel.

  • With swords?

  • With victory going to the swiftest,

  • the cunningest, the deadliest.

  • I'll shoot him in the back.

  • Wait, how about pistols?

  • Well, that's different...

  • Does he get one, too?

  • Naturally.

  • Loaded?

  • You get one bullet apiece.

  • In the back.

  • (CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

  • We have visitors.

  • It's Mr. Pomeroy. Little Harold is with him.

  • See? They've come to make peace.

  • I hope not.

  • I'll handle this. Remember, you took care of the gas inspector.

  • Darling, why don't we handle this together?

  • A Pomeroy does not slam gates.

  • I didn't slam it, Dad.

  • A Pomeroy does not lie, either.

  • But, Dad...

  • Come along.

  • I'm Cecil B. Pomeroy.

  • Perhaps you've heard of me.

  • I'm in oil.

  • Oh, boiling?

  • Lubricating.

  • I wouldn't make light of this.

  • Look at my son Harold.

  • Fine-looking boy. Nice eyes.

  • Well, one of them, anyway.

  • And that's what your hoodlum offspring did with his fists.

  • Our son used his fists?

  • All those karate lessons wasted!

  • I'll thank you both to stop joking.

  • My son has been sorely wounded and I demand an apology.

  • Very well, Mr. Pomeroy.

  • If it'll make you happy, I apologize.

  • Not from you.

  • From that pugnacious child of yours.

  • Him.

  • Children.

  • I understand, Pugsley, that you and Harold

  • engaged in a little tiff this afternoon.

  • All I did was tear his jacket a little.

  • You tore my family crest.

  • Well, you wouldn't have got a sock in the eye

  • if you hadn't said your family was better than our family.

  • Our family is better.

  • It is not.

  • Children, children.

  • I think you ought to apologize to Harold.

  • I'm sorry I punched you in the eye, Harold.

  • She must have hit him while his back was turned.

  • In the eye?

  • I don't know, it's possible.

  • Remember my Cousin Curdle?

  • Ah, yes! Well, we're sorry about the whole mess, Pomeroy.

  • Yes, won't you come in and have a cup of tea?

  • And the children can play together