I had no idea Cousin Bleak was such a difficult subject.

You're painting him from memory and it's a magnificent likeness.

Superb!

Thank you, darling.

There's something about the eyes,

I just can't seem to get them.

That lid droops just a bit too much.

The right eye or the left?

The middle one.

Perfect.

That's the look that used to get the girls.

(GRUNTING)

Darling, the children are going to be late for their birthday party.

Would you ring for Lurch?

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Yes, Lurch.

Would you get the children, please?

WEDNESDAY: We're coming!

PUGSLEY: We're coming!

Oh, what's that, darling?

Harold's birthday present. A tarantula.

Oh, dear Pugsley. He's so generous.

That old Addams tradition, a heart of gold.

Well, we'll have to have it gift-wrapped. Let's see now.

A birthday present. Festive occasion.

I think black would be appropriate.

Black it is, my dear.

Here, darling, let me do that.

You're all thumbs.

Wouldn't that be interesting?

Lurch, please take the children to the car.

LURCH: Yes, madam.

Where are they going?

Whee!

To the Pomeroy boy's birthday party.

You mean those people with the white picket fence

and the pink geraniums? How could you?

There's something to what he says, Morticia. They are a bit peculiar.

I bet they've got daisies in their backyard.

Please don't make me ill.

Now, now, now.

We must be tolerant of our neighbors.

(BIRDS CAWING)

Oh, thank you, Thing.

There you are, Pugsley!

GOMEZ: Your mother is still the world's best tarantula wrapper.

Now remember, children, not every family is as fortunate as we are.

Not everyone has a beautiful old house like ours.

And a car with all the right sounds and smells.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

You must be modest about our advantages.

We'll be good.

I know you will, darling.

I'm sure Harold will love his present.

(BLOWING HORN)

(ENGINE BACKFIRES)

Bye, children! Have a good time.

Pugsley, only five pieces of cake, now!

Well, I guess I'd better go in

and finish knitting my tea cozy.

Morticia,

don't move.

Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?

Not only across the threshold,

but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.

And I dropped you only once.

I'll swear these fish seem to know when you're gonna feed them.

They're a lot more aware than people give them credit for being.

That's breeding.

There's no waste with piranha.

Darling, I think the children are home.

I wonder what the children are doing back so soon?

I don't know.

Why are you home from the party so early?

GOMEZ: What happened? Was there trouble?

A small altercation.

Harold Pomeroy said his family was better than our family.

He said we were a bunch of kooks.

Kooks?

(GROANING)

Oh, he couldn't have meant it.

Of course not, how could the child fail

to recognize character when he sees it?

I told you the Pomeroys were no good.

With their neat little petunia patches.

Riffraff!

I tell you, they're nothing but riffraff.

Lurch, you better take the children to their rooms.

LURCH: Yes, madam.

I always did suspect those white plaster ducks out on the lawn.

Darling, some people have a twisted sense of beauty.

Rude behavior like that begins with the parents.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Just stand there and take it?

Certainly not. I'm going to send Pomeroy an insulting letter.

Darling, I don't think we should lend our name to such a thing.

He could sign it, "A friend."

An insulting letter signed, "A Friend."

That would be novel.

I think we should turn the other cheek.

No, when people insulted me, I always turned the other cheek.

Well?

I ran out of cheeks.

No, there's only one way to settle this.

Uncle Fester!

Uncle Fester, please, not that.

But, Morticia, the family honor!

He's right, Morticia, the family honor.

You'll have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.

No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.

Uncle Fester, that is not the honorable way.

I know, but it's the safe way.

Uncle Fester, I'm ashamed of you.

An Addams doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

I do. I'll shoot him in the back.

Uncle Fester, remember the Addams name!

It'll have to be a duel.

With swords?

With victory going to the swiftest,

the cunningest, the deadliest.

I'll shoot him in the back.

Wait, how about pistols?

Well, that's different...

Does he get one, too?

Naturally.

Loaded?

You get one bullet apiece.

In the back.

(CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

We have visitors.

It's Mr. Pomeroy. Little Harold is with him.

See? They've come to make peace.

I hope not.

I'll handle this. Remember, you took care of the gas inspector.

Darling, why don't we handle this together?

A Pomeroy does not slam gates.

I didn't slam it, Dad.

A Pomeroy does not lie, either.

But, Dad...

Come along.

I'm Cecil B. Pomeroy.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

I'm in oil.

Oh, boiling?

Lubricating.

I wouldn't make light of this.

Look at my son Harold.

Fine-looking boy. Nice eyes.

Well, one of them, anyway.

And that's what your hoodlum offspring did with his fists.

Our son used his fists?

All those karate lessons wasted!

I'll thank you both to stop joking.

My son has been sorely wounded and I demand an apology.

Very well, Mr. Pomeroy.

If it'll make you happy, I apologize.

Not from you.

From that pugnacious child of yours.

Him.

Children.

I understand, Pugsley, that you and Harold

engaged in a little tiff this afternoon.

All I did was tear his jacket a little.

You tore my family crest.

Well, you wouldn't have got a sock in the eye

if you hadn't said your family was better than our family.

Our family is better.

It is not.

Children, children.

I think you ought to apologize to Harold.

I'm sorry I punched you in the eye, Harold.

She must have hit him while his back was turned.

In the eye?

I don't know, it's possible.

Remember my Cousin Curdle?

Ah, yes! Well, we're sorry about the whole mess, Pomeroy.

Yes, won't you come in and have a cup of tea?

And the children can play together

and forget all about their little spat.

Well...

Do come in.

I'll let you ride my jaguar.

Can I, Dad?

All right, but stay in the yard. Don't go into the street.

Oh, we never run the jaguar out in the street.

Come on, Harold.

I'm so glad we got this thing straightened out.

Uh, yes, we're not only neighbors

but I find we have some adjoining land along the county line.

You got stuck, too!

Uh, yes. That doesn't happen to the Pomeroys usually.

It's one of the things we're proud of.

Matter of fact, we asked Professor Simms

to trace our family genealogy back to...

(FANG GROWLING)

Merciful heavens! What was that?

Pugsley's jaguar.

Pugsley's...

You mean that your child is having my son ride a wild animal?

Don't worry, when Fang makes that noise, nobody rides him.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

There, you see? They've already found something else to amuse them.

Nothing like the laughter of happy children, is there, Pomeroy?

Well, my son has little time for frivolity.

After all, he's being trained to follow in the family...

Excuse me.

Is that thing real?

Everything in our home is real, Mr. Pomeroy.

Taste!

There's quite a story behind that trophy, Pomeroy.

Cousin Farouk was a skin-diver.

He dived out of a rowboat in an attempt

to spear a rare species of eel.

At the same moment a big fish swept up

from the depths, also after the eel.

They were on a collision course.

The rest is taxidermy.

(DYNAMITE CAPS EXPLODING)

HAROLD: Whee! I did it! I did it!

Little Pugsley is teaching Harold how to handle dynamite caps.

Dynamite?

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

There, you see?

Their little spat of this afternoon is all forgotten.

We adults could learn a lot from our children, eh, Pomeroy?

More tea, Mr. Pomeroy?

Uh, no, thanks.

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

That thing bit me!

I'm sure you're mistaken, Mr. Pomeroy.

Our birds would never attack living things.

(DOOR THUDDING)

Children, stop playing with that trap door.

Uncle Fester just greased it.

Your trap door?

In the playroom, for our gallows.

It's a family heirloom.

PUGSLEY: We're sorry, Harold!

Don't be mad, Harold.

We're sorry we dropped him through the trap door.

Addams, what the devil have they been doing?

Can't you see? Playing!

POMEROY: Harold!

Addams, I never wanna see these two little creeps in my home again.

And I promise you that never again

will I set foot in this, this menagerie.

In that case, sir, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Ask me? I can hardly wait to get out of...

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Lurch, show Mr. Pomeroy out.

(GASPING)

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Addamses, you are kooks.

Calling our children creeps.

Bawling off about his ancestry,

his professor, his genealogist.

I could have really have stopped him with

a few things about the Addams ancestry!

Why didn't you?

I couldn't think of anything.

You're right.

You're right, I should have told him.

But it's been so long since I've looked into the family records.

Anybody can tell what kind of a family we are.

But to him, we're peasants.

We need proof.

Proof! And I'll ram it down Mr. Blowhard's throat.

I'll get you your proof, darling.