FINEST TAMAHAGANAI STEEL OF THE NEWS, SMELTED FROM IRON SANDS,

THEN HAMMERING AND FOLDING IT REPEATEDLY INTO THE HAND-FORGED 00:00:14.914 --> 00:00:17.850 align:start position:0% SAMURAI SWORD OF JOKES THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE I LIKE TO TAKE AN OLD TOOTHBRUSH, FILE 00:00:23.255 --> 00:00:26.926 align:start position:0% DOWN THE PLASTIC ON THE SIDES TO A FINE POINT, AND WRAP THE

HANDLE IN DUCT TAPE AND RUBBER BANDS TO MAKE THE PRISON SHIV OF 00:00:29.695 --> 00:00:33.900 align:start position:0% NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: ♪ 00:00:33.933 --> 00:00:46.379 align:start position:0% "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 00:00:46.412 --> 00:00:53.252 align:start position:0% MEANWHILE, IN LITIGIOUS LANGUAGE NEWS, "THE" OHIO STATE 00:00:53.285 --> 00:00:59.859 align:start position:0% UNIVERSITY WANTS TO TRADEMARK THE WORD "THE." 00:00:59.892 --> 00:01:02.195 size:88% position:44% I KNOW CALLING IT "THE" OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY IS AN OLD

TRADITION, BUT I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH "THEE" BECAUSE WE'RE 00:01:05.831 --> 00:01:10.503 align:start position:0% "THE" LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:01:10.536 --> 00:01:15.708 align:start position:0% ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF O.S.U. GETS THIS TRADEMARK, 00:01:15.741 --> 00:01:21.447 size:88% position:44% I'LL HAVE TO BECOME "A" LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:26.986 align:start position:0% OR "THAT LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" OR EVEN WORSE 00:01:27.019 --> 00:01:28.187 align:start position:0% "THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT-- 00:01:28.220 --> 00:01:34.260 align:start position:0% GO BUCKEYES!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 00:01:34.293 --> 00:01:35.161 align:start position:0% >> Jon: JOHN LAMPLEY. 00:01:35.194 --> 00:01:36.829 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IF YOU'VE GOT $500, 00:01:36.862 --> 00:01:41.901 align:start position:0% GOOD NEWS, "OLIVE GARDEN JUST INTRODUCED A NEVER ENDING 00:01:41.934 --> 00:01:43.136 align:start position:0% "LIFETIME PASTA PASS." 00:01:43.169 --> 00:01:45.705 align:start position:0% AND ALSO CHANGED THEIR SLOGAN TO "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE 00:01:45.738 --> 00:01:49.041 size:88% position:44% FAMILY AND THIS FAMILY HAS A VERY SHORT LIFE EXPECTANCY." 00:01:49.074 --> 00:01:52.745 align:start position:0% $500, I WOULD DO IT.t EVERY DAY. 00:01:52.778 --> 00:01:57.550 align:start position:0% >> Stephen: CALL ME, OLIVE GARDEN. 00:01:57.583 --> 00:02:01.821 align:start position:0% ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, "LITTLE PENISES AND 00:02:01.854 --> 00:02:05.124 size:78% position:39% OTHER TINY ARTIFACTS WERE DISCOVERED IN POMPEII." 00:02:05.157 --> 00:02:07.293 size:84% position:42% OF COURSE, FINDING ANCIENT PENISES IS THE DREAM OF ANY 00:02:07.326 --> 00:02:08.761 align:start position:0% ARCHAEOLOGIST. 00:02:08.794 --> 00:02:13.132 align:start position:0% WHO CAN FORGET THIS FAMOUS DISCOVERY:lp 00:02:13.165 --> 00:02:23.209 align:start position:0% ♪ ♪ATH 00:02:23.209 --> 00:02:33.219 align:start position:0% ♪ ♪ATH 00:02:56.008 --> 00:03:06.552 align:start position:0% WHATEVER THEIR PURPOSE, KEEP DIGGING, ARCHEOLOGISTS.

REMEMBER, TAKING MAGIC AMULETS FROM A BURIAL SITE NEVER HURT 00:03:08.821 --> 00:03:10.923 align:start position:0% ANYBODY! 00:03:10.956 --> 00:03:13.693 align:start position:0% WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KIRSTEN DUNST.