Why, hey there!

Who's some news?

Is it you?

Are you the some news?

You're a very some news, yes you are.

I hope you're as excited as I am right now because today,

we're going to catch up on the month of July

in a segment I'm calling

"All Of The Things That Happened: July 2019 Edition".

It's objectively true that things happened in July,

a month that we at Cody's Shody were on vacation during.

While I recharged and explored the world

and gained a happier outlook on life,

perhaps in some easy-to-digest

but emotionally complex coming of age-style adventure,

I also had someone write down all the things that happened

on these papers I'm currently holding

that definitely have things written on them.

So let us watch as I read those things aloud

and react to them for the first time,

having not rehearsed this previously.

It's a segment within this segment

that I call You Watch Me Read News.

(intense music)

Let's start light,

like how the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado

welcomed a baby giraffe into the world.

And in related news, police in Clay County, Missouri

apprehended a suspect after he gave away his hiding spot

with a loud fart.

Not sure how these things are related,

but we're gonna push past it..

Okay, okay.

Looks like they found a new bird-like dinosaur,

but I'm sorry, who really gives a (bleeps)

about some angry chicken bones?

Do we have any news about awesome birds who are alive

and not dead loser birds?

Okay, this vacation did not help with my anger.

All right, okay.

In Buckinghamshire upon England,

a wildlife hospital received a bright orange bird

believed at first to be exotic but after closer inspection

turned out to be a seagull covered in curry.

And while that seagull

is definitely awesome by human standards,

in the bird world, it's just another day in the life

as evidenced by this 2016 article

about a completely different seagull

also found covered in curry.

(sighs) All right.

In other sex-related news,

boy, these transitions are jarring!

A famous gamer Instagram model briefly became viral

after selling her own bathwater for $30 a jar

only to spawn a whole micro-industry

of other YouTube weirdos

doing weirdo things to that bathwater,

as well as a controversy about whether or not

it was really her bathwater

and then a bunch of rumors,

and the general hate the internet hurls at women.

Very little of this news seems to involve

the much more interesting debate

about this young lady's relationship

to the sex worker community,

specifically how she's managed

to make what is normally seen as fetishistic

somehow a mainstream idea

while having little association with sex workers

and has even been accused

of stealing other model's nude photos to use as her own.

But whatever, we've already forgotten about this story

so let's keep going.

Big developments in the war of cats, of cats, not on cats,

as researcher Laura Knoll of the University of Wisconsin

has discovered a way to study the cat-(bleeps)

toxoplasma gondii parasite in lab rats.

All previous methods solely involved

the inhumane experimenting on cats.

This means we can perhaps find a cure to the parasite

that you yourself right now probably have,

but by murdering rats instead of cats.

Meanwhile, New York State

has just banned the declawing of cats

so overall, just a real bad month for news-savvy rodents.

And so naturally,

that brings us to the subject of Nazis for some reason,

specifically, these very stupid and young Nazis

who spray-painted a bunch of Nazi pictures on their school.

According to the young Nazis,

a problem America just has now,

the act of vandalism started as a harmless school prank

before evolving into one of those Nazi hate crimes

that just sort of happen sometimes.

Anyway, they were caught when the school WiFi

connected to their phones via their student IDs,

which not feeling great on the privacy implications of that

but they've since been sentenced to weekends in jail

which is a form of intermittent sentencing

and not the logical sequel to Weekend At Bernies.

Ha!

Nazis sure are a problem and it's fun!

All right, we're really warmed up now

that we've got some Nazi talk going.

We should probably check on a few updates

to previous Some More News news.

Here's some updating of previous news.

Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Endgame

is now the number one highest grossing movie in the world,

having surpassed Disney's Avatar this month.

That makes Avatar, by Disney, number two bestest movie,

while number three goes to Titanic,

a movie released overseas by Disney,

followed by Disney's Lucasfilm's

Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Disney,

and then Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Infinity War

which is a film by Disney.

Congratulations to all the many people

who made Disney's dream possible.

Good job!

And hey, after unfathomable billions

made from 23 films over the last decade,

they're finally going to allow LGBTQ characters to exist.

Don't get me wrong,

it's fantastic that the biggest film franchise in the world

is actually going to have some diversity in it

but if a car company went a decade

before adding seat belts to their product,

we wouldn't praise them, would we?

But rather, we would demand to know

why it took so long for them to do it

considering how much responsibility they have,

and also money.

Also, curious what it says about us

that the most popular thing in America

has been mostly-homogeneous tales

of unbeatable costumes having violent

and often-personal squabbles over the huddled masses

while generally causing more problems for the world

than they solve, but whatever!

Congratulations to our media emperor.

Way to make photorealistic lions sing

so we can guess their emotions,

you overbearing corporate monsters.

More updates!

Remember when we did a video about robocalls?

Well, it looks like AT&T,

clearly having seen our video specifically

and only ours and not anyone else's,

is becoming the first major wireless company

to automatically block spam calls.

Good job, us.

(audience cheers and claps)

(clears throat) Also, remember when we pointed out

that Tucker Carlson is a racist?

Well, that's still true.

- Ilhan Omar is living proof

that the way we practice immigration

has become dangerous to this country.

A system designed to strengthen America

is instead undermining it.

- Cool!

Also, real recently after spending years

fear-mongering about invasions of immigrants

invading the country and changing our demographics

and spouting white nationalist talking points

and being regularly praised by neo-Nazis for it,

well, a guy did a terrorism about an invasion of immigrants

and the next day, Tucker was like,

White Supremacy is a hoax, and now he's on vacation.

So maybe he should stay there!

Anyway, other things I was right about,

Ben Shapiro super sucks and is still stupid and a liar

and continues to be hilarious.

- When it comes to the seduction of women.

- (snaps fingers) One more time.

- When it comes to the seduction of women.

- Anyway, then there was that Mueller thing.

Remember how that was a thing?

- Well, the finding indicates

that the President not exculpated

for the acts that he allegedly committed.

- Could you charge the president with a crime

after he left office?

- Yes.

- You could charge the President of The United States

with obstruction of justice after he left office?

- Yes.

- Mm, sounds like the President is not not guilty,

and perhaps guilty.

You know how the report already said that months ago?

As an aside, it's always important to exculpate your skin

every morning to give yourself that fresh, no guilt look.

Ha!

The president did crimes and it's fun!

We're having a great time.

Of course, that's just the take of me,

a Libby social Marxist who hates all of America.

According to Republicans at the hearing, the true story

was how hard they (bleeps) Mueller in the ear

by exposing the FBI's clear bias toward Trump

and unwillingness to point fingers at Christopher Steele

and his totally bogus dossier

that has been proven completely bogus.

- When people associated with Trump lied,

you threw the book at him.

When Christopher Steele lied, nothing.

And so it seems to be that

when Simpson met with Russians, nothing,

when the Trump campaign met with Russians, 3,500 words,

and maybe the reason why there are these discrepancies

in which you focused on because the team is so biased--

- [Man] Only the gentleman is expired.

- Pledged the logistics, pledged to stop Trump.

- Of course, this is all the subject of the Horowitz probe

into the bias of the FBI, which was recently extended

because the investigators found

the bogus dossier to be, quote, sufficiently credible.

So just to recap, at a hearing about the president

potentially committing up to 10 acts

of obstruction of justice,

a thing presidents can be impeached for

unless they resign first, well, at that hearing,

GOP Congressfellow Matt Gaetz

decided to wonder why they're there,

and labeled the Steele dossier an uncorroborated document

that does have a few proven allegations

but also didn't start the Mueller investigation as bogus

without that actually being true,

and they're now grilling Mueller

as to why he didn't also pretend

this thing they are pretending.

And then Congressman Matt Gaetz was like,

I did it, I did the right thing.

Okay, so we're warmed up.

We're a little angry now.

We're ready to plunge head-first into hell

and move to a sub-segment within the segment

that's within this segment called

You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read.

Oh, hey, look.

For the first time in two decades,

after growing unpopularity due to racial disparities,

a global decrease

and just overall higher moral standards being against it,

the Justice Department has decided

to resume federal executions under a president who,

aside from all the other stuff I could mention

about his casual relationship with violence and cruelty,

and the time he spent money

to call for the execution of five young black men

for a crime they did not commit,

well, he's also called for public executions in the past,

for all of us to see.

Cool thing we should all see, man.

Anyway, the people the president wanted

to show everybody being killed was the Boston Bombers.