it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship

I'm still not sure I wanna be in.

- I'm very impressed with myself that I got reservations.

- You cannot afford this place.

- But I'm gonna make this year very special

so I can slack off in the future.

- Realizing you will never understand

how much money I actually spent to get ready tonight.

- Oh, this menu is a lot more expensive than I expected

and it doesn't include wine.

- There's a $40 thong riding straight up my asshole.

- Transferring money from my savings to my checking,

just in case you want some wine.

- Bullshit about wine.

- Perfect.

Calming my nerves 'cause I'm gonna

tell you that I love you for the first time tonight,

just to make this a little more special.

- Hi guys.

I will be making eye contact with both of you

as I go over I very, very expensive prefix menu,

which only contains two options.

The reason we do that is we need

to flip as many tables as possible,

we need to make the most money we can tonight.

I hate your love and I hate this holiday.

Thanks so much.

- Oh, needing a picture for social media

to make all my friends jealous.

- You wanna show the world our love.

This is good.

- Everyone here's having sex tonight but me.

- Kelsey, I...

- Oh my god, tell me I'm pretty.

- Validation.

I was gonna say that I...

- I'm getting up to show the world

how excited I am that my boyfriend just proposed to me!

- We are so happy!

(patrons clapping)

- [In unison] We are seeking attention,

we are seeking attention.

- I'm trying not to play into every attribute

of my stereotypical gender role,

but these guys are making me feel

so fucking feminine right now.

- I feel so upstaged.

- Being a stereotype.

- We get it, you're happier than us.

- You know what Kelsey, maybe this a good time.

(wine glass shattering)

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I'm cheating on you.

- I wanted to say it first.

- I'm just glad you said it back.