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  • So, 2014 was a big year for me.

    翻訳: Mishima Ryosuke 校正: Moe Shoji

  • Do you ever have that,

    2014年は私にとって 節目となる年でした

  • just like a big year, like a banner year?


  • For me, it went like this:

    大きな節目となる年は ありましたか?

  • October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.


  • And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.


  • And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died

    10月8日には父親を 癌で亡くしました

  • after three years with stage-four glioblastoma,

    それから 11月25日に 3年間の闘病の末

  • which is just a fancy word for brain cancer.

    夫のアーロンが ステージ4の膠芽腫で亡くなりました

  • So, I'm fun.

    平たく言えば 脳のがんです

  • (Laughter)


  • People love to invite me out all the time.


  • Packed social life.

    周りの人はひっきりなしに 私を連れ出すのが大好きです

  • Usually, when I talk about this period of my life,


  • the reaction I get is essentially:

    この人生の節目について 話すと たいていは

  • (Sighs)


  • \"I can't -- I can't imagine.\"


  • But I do think you can.


  • I think you can.

    けれど 想像できると思います

  • And I think that you should


  • because, someday, it's going to happen to you.


  • Maybe not these specific losses in this specific order or at this speed,

    なぜなら いつかは皆さんにも 起きることだからです

  • but like I said, I'm very fun

    この特定の順序や速さで 死別が訪れるわけではないでしょうが

  • and the research that I have seen will stun you:


  • everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying.

    私の調査結果に 皆さんは衝撃を受けるはずです

  • (Laughter)

    あなたの愛する人は 全員が 100% 死にます

  • And that's why you came to TED.


  • (Laughter)

    だから TEDに来たんですよね

  • (Applause)


  • So, since all of this loss happened,


  • I've made it a career to talk about death and loss,

    さて こうした死別を経験したために

  • not just my own, because it's pretty easy to recap,

    私は死や死別について 話すことを仕事にしました

  • but the losses and tragedies that other people have experienced.

    簡単にまとめられる 自分の経験だけでなく

  • It's a niche, I have to say.

    他の人々が経験した 死別や悲しみについてもです

  • (Laughter)


  • It's a small niche, and I wish I made more money, but ...


  • (Laughter)

    かなりニッチです もっと稼げればいいのですが...

  • I've written some very uplifting books,


  • host a very uplifting podcast, I started a little nonprofit.

    私は前向きになれる本を 何冊か執筆し

  • I'm just trying to do what I can

    元気の出るポッドキャストを主催し 小規模の非営利活動も始めました

  • to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable,

    私は少しでも 多くの人にとって

  • and grief is so uncomfortable.

    扱いにくい事柄を 接しやすくしたいと思っています

  • It's so uncomfortable, especially if it's someone else's grief.


  • So part of that work is this group that I started with my friend Moe,

    他の人の悲しみであれば なおさら居心地の悪いものです

  • who is also a widow;

    その仕事の一部には 私の友人で 同じく未亡人である―

  • we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.


  • (Laughter)

    Hot Young Widows Club と呼んでいます

  • And it's real, we have membership cards


  • and T-shirts.

    実在するグループで 会員証とTシャツもあります

  • And when your person dies, your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,

    そして 夫や妻 彼女や彼氏などの 大切な人が亡くなったとき

  • literally don't care if you were married,


  • your friends and your family are just going to look around


  • through friends of friends of friends of friends


  • until they find someone who's gone through something similar,

    同じような経験をした人を 探し回るでしょう

  • and then they'll push you towards each other

    見つけたら あなたと引き合わせて 互いに話させるんです

  • so you can talk amongst yourselves and not get your sad on other people.

    他の人が悲しい話を 聞かずに済むように

  • (Laughter)


  • So that's what we do.


  • It's just a series of small groups,

    少人数のグループが いくつもあって

  • where men, women, gay, straight, married, partnered,

    男性、女性、同性愛者、異性愛者 既婚、事実婚などの人々が

  • can talk about their dead person,


  • and say the things

    自分の周囲の人々が まだ

  • that the other people in their lives aren't ready or willing to hear yet.

    聞く心の準備ができていないことや 耳にしたくないことを話したりできます

  • Huge range of conversations.


  • Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,


  • I can't stop thinking about sex, is that normal?"

    セックスのことばかり 考えちゃうのって普通?」

  • Yeah.


  • "What if it's one of the Property Brothers?"


  • Less normal, but I'll accept it.


  • (Laughter)


  • Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public and I see old people holding hands,

    他にも「出かけたときに 明らかに何十年も

  • couples who have clearly been together for decades,

    連れ添った年配の2人が 手を繋いでいると

  • and then I look at them and I imagine


  • all of the things they've been through together,

    2人が一緒に 経験した様々なこと―

  • the good things, the bad things,


  • the arguments they've had over who should take out the trash ...

    どっちがゴミ出しをするか みたいな口論まで ...

  • I just find my heart filled with rage."


  • (Laughter)


  • And that example is personal to me.

    ちなみに これは私も共感します

  • Most of the conversations that we have in the group


  • can and will just stay amongst ourselves,


  • but there are things that we talk about


  • that the rest of the world -- the world that is grief-adjacent

    グループの外の世界― 悲しみと隣り合っていながら

  • but not yet grief-stricken --


  • could really benefit from hearing.


  • And if you can't tell,


  • I'm only interested in, capable of unscientific studies,

    私は非科学的な研究にしか 興味もなければ 出来もしないので

  • so what I did was go to The Hot Young Widows Club

    グループへ行き このように言いました

  • and say, "Hello, friends, remember when your person died?" They did.

    「大切な人が亡くなったときのことを 覚えていますか?」と 覚えていました

  • "Do you remember all the things people said to you?"

    「人に言われたことを 全部覚えていますか?」

  • "Oh, yeah."


  • "Which ones did you hate the most?"


  • I got a lot of comments, lot of answers, people say a lot of things,

    多くのコメントや答えが返ってきて 様々な意見がありましたが

  • but two rose to the top pretty quickly.

    この言葉がすぐに トップに浮上しました

  • "Moving on."


  • Now, since 2014,

    さて 2014年以来

  • I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew,

    私はすごくハンサムな マシューという男性と再婚し

  • we have four children in our blended family,

    私たちの混合家族には 4人の子供がいて

  • we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.

    アメリカのミネソタ州 ミネアポリスの郊外で暮らしています

  • We have a rescue dog.


  • (Laughter)


  • I drive a minivan,


  • like the kind where doors open and I don't even touch them.

    触れなくても ドアが大きく開くような車です

  • (Laughter)


  • Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.

    どの「キジュン」に照らしても 良い人生です

  • I've also never said \"mezhure,\" I've never once said it that way.

    「基準」をこんな発音で 言ったのは初めてですけど

  • (Laughter)


  • I don't know where that came from.


  • (Laughter)


  • I've never heard anyone else say it that way.

    他の人がそう言うのを 聞いたこともありません

  • It looks like it should be said that way,

    それが正しい言い方のような 気もしてくるのが

  • and that's why the English language is trash, so ...


  • (Laughter)


  • So impressed with anyone who, like, speaks it


  • in addition to a language that makes sense -- good job.

    英語も話せる人には感心します 素晴らしいです

  • (Laughter)


  • But by any measure ...


  • (Laughter)


  • By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven't "moved on."

    本当に素晴らしい人生なのですが 私はまだ「次に進んで」はいません

  • I haven't moved on, and I hate that phrase so much,

    次に進んではいませんし この言葉がとても嫌いで

  • and I understand why other people do.


  • Because what it says

    なぜなら この言葉は

  • is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments

    アーロンの人生と死と愛情は 瞬間に過ぎず

  • that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.

    後ろに置いていくことができるもので そうすべきだと示唆しているからです

  • And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense,

    私はアーロンのことを話すとき つい現在時制になってしまい

  • and I've always thought that made we weird.

    自分は変なんだと 常に思ってきました

  • And then I noticed that everybody does it.

    それから 誰もがそうすると 気づきました

  • And it's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful,

    それは状況を受け容れられないとか 忘れっぽいからではなく

  • it's because the people we love, who we've lost,

    私たちが失った 愛する人が

  • are still so present for us.

    私たちにとっては 存在しているからです

  • So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is..."

    だから 私が「アーロンは...」と 現在時制で言うのは

  • It's because Aaron still is.

    まだアーロンが 現在にいるからなのです

  • And it's not in the way that he was before,


  • which was much better,


  • and it's not in the way that churchy people try to tell me that he would be.

    「今も存在している」と 信心深い人々が言うのとも違います

  • It's just that he's indelible,


  • and so he is present for me.


  • Here,


  • he's present for me in the work that I do,


  • in the child that we had together,


  • in these three other children I'm raising,

    他の3人の子の中にも 彼の存在はあります

  • who never met him, who share none of his DNA,

    アーロンに会ったこともなければ 血縁関係にもありませんが

  • but who are only in my life because I had Aaron

    その子たちが私の人生にいるのは 私がアーロンと過ごし

  • and because I lost Aaron.


  • He's present in my marriage to Matthew,

    マシューと私の結婚にも 彼の存在はあります

  • because Aaron's life and love and death

    アーロンの生涯と愛情と 死があったからこそ

  • made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.

    私はマシューが結婚したいと 思う女性になれました

  • So I've not moved on from Aaron,

    だから 私はアーロンから 次へと進んだのではなく

  • I've moved forward with him.

    彼と一緒に 前に進んでいるのです

  • (Applause)


  • We spread Aaron's ashes in his favorite river in Minnesota,

    アーロンの遺灰は彼が愛した ミネソタ州の川にまきました

  • and when the bag was empty --


  • because when you're cremated, you fit into a plastic bag --

    火葬されると遺灰は ビニールの袋に入れられますよね―

  • there were still ashes stuck to my fingers.


  • And I could have just put my hands in the water and rinsed them,


  • but instead, I licked my hands clean,

    代わりに 私は手を綺麗になめました

  • because I was so afraid of losing more than I had already lost,

    すでに失った以上のものを 失うことがとても怖くて

  • and I was so desperate to make sure that he would always be a part of me.

    彼が常に私の一部であることを 確認することに必死でした

  • But of course he would be.

    けれど もちろん彼はいるのです

  • Because when you watch your person fill himself with poison for three years,

    大切な人があなたともう少しだけ 一緒に生きていられるように

  • just so he can stay alive a little bit longer with you,

    3年間も体に毒であるものを 受け入れ続けるのを見たら

  • that stays with you.


  • When you watch him fade from the healthy person he was the night you met

    出会った夜の健康だった彼が 無へと帰していくのを見たら

  • to nothing, that stays with you.


  • When you watch your son, who isn't even two years old yet,


  • walk up to his father's bed on the last day of his life,

    父親の人生の最後の日に ベッドまで歩いて行って

  • like he knows what's coming in a few hours,

    まるで数時間後の 出来事を予期しているかのように

  • and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."

    「大好きだよ お別れだね バイバイ」と言うのを見たら

  • That stays with you.


  • Just like when you fall in love, finally, like really fall in love

    自分を本当に理解して そのままの自分を見てくれる人と

  • with someone who gets you and sees you

    とうとう本物の恋に落ちて こう思ったら―

  • and you even see, "Oh, my God, I've been wrong this entire time.

    「なんだ ずっと間違えていたんだ

  • Love is not a contest or a reality show -- it's so quiet,

    愛は駆け引きでもリアリティ番組でもなく こんなにも穏やかなんだ

  • it's this invisible thread of calm that connects the two of us

    たとえ すべてが混沌としていて 物事が手からこぼれ落ちて

  • even when everything is chaos,


  • when things are falling apart, even when he's gone."

    私たち2人を結ぶ 目に見えない穏やかな糸が愛なんだ」

  • That stays with you.


  • We used to do this thing --


  • because my hands are always freezing and he's so warm,

    私の手はいつも冷たくて 彼は温かかったので

  • where I would take my ice-cold hands and shove them up his shirt ...

    私は氷のように冷たい手を 彼のシャツの中に入れて

  • press them against his hot bod.


  • (Laughter)


  • And he hated it so much,


  • (Laughter)


  • but he loved me,

    それでも 私を愛してくれました

  • and after he died, I laid in bed with Aaron

    彼が亡くなったあと アーロンとベッドに横になり

  • and I put my hands underneath him


  • and I felt his warmth.


  • And I can't even tell you if my hands were cold,

    私の手が冷たかったかも わかりませんが

  • but I can tell you


  • that I knew it was the last time I would ever do that.


  • And that that memory is always going to be sad.

    この記憶はいつだって 悲しい記憶のままです

  • That memory will always hurt.


  • Even when I'm 600 years old and I'm just a hologram.

    私が600歳のホログラムに なったとしてもです

  • (Laughter)


  • Just like the memory of meeting him is always going to make me laugh.

    彼と出会った時の記憶に いつだって笑ってしまうのと同じです

  • Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,


  • it happens alongside of and mixed in with all of these other emotions.

    他の様々な感情と同時に また混ざり合って起こるものです

  • So, I met Matthew, my current husband --

    私は 現在の夫である マシューに会いました

  • who doesn't love that title,

    本人はこの肩書きが 好きでないそうです

  • (Laughter)


  • but it's so accurate.

    けれど 的確な表現ですよね

  • (Laughter)


  • I met Matthew, and ...


  • there was this audible sigh of relief among the people who love me,

    私を愛してくれる人々からは 安堵のため息が聞こえました

  • like, "It's over!


  • She did it.


  • She got a happy ending, we can all go home.

    ハッピーエンドで めでたしめでたし

  • And we did good."


  • And that narrative is so appealing even to me,

    その筋書きは私にとっても とても魅力的で

  • and I thought maybe I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.

    そうなのかもと思いもしましたが そうではありませんでした

  • I got another chapter.


  • And it's such a good chapter -- I love you, honey --

    それはとても素敵な章で― あなた 大好きよ―

  • it's such a good chapter.


  • But especially at the beginning, it was like an alternate universe,

    けれど 特に始めのうちは パラレルワールドのようでもあり

  • or one of those old "choose your own adventure" books from the '80s

    「きみならどうする?」という 2つの並行する筋書きが用意されている―

  • where there are two parallel plot lines.


  • So I opened my heart to Matthew,

    マシューに心を開くと 脳内では

  • and my brain was like, "Would you like to think about Aaron?

    「アーロンのことを考えていたい? 過去も今も未来も?」と聞こえ

  • Like, the past, the present, future, just get in there," and I did.


  • And all of a sudden, those two plots were unfurling at once,

    すると突然2つの物語が 一気に広がりました

  • and falling in love with Matthew really helped me realize the enormity

    マシューと恋に落ちたことで アーロンの死で失ったものの大きさを

  • of what I lost when Aaron died.


  • And just as importantly,


  • it helped me realize that my love for Aaron

    私のアーロンへの愛と悲しみ そして マシューへの愛情は

  • and my grief for Aaron,

    相反する力ではないことに 気付くことができました

  • and my love for Matthew, are not opposing forces.


  • They are just strands to the same thread.


  • They're the same stuff.

    私は... 両親に言わせると

  • I'm... what would my parents say?


  • I'm not special.


  • (Laughter)

    両親には4人の子がいますが まったくもって

  • They had four kids, they were like... frankly.


  • (Laughter)


  • But I'm not, I'm not special.


  • I know that, I'm fully aware

    毎日 世界中でひどいことが 起きています

  • that all day, every day, all around the world,


  • terrible things are happening.

    言った通り 私は楽しんでいますが

  • All the time.


  • Like I said, fun person.

    人々は毎日 深く自分を変えてしまい 傷を残すような別れを経験しています

  • But terrible things are happening,


  • people are experiencing deeply formative and traumatic losses every day.


  • And as part of my job,

    人々の身に起きた最悪の出来事について 話すことがあります

  • this weird podcast that I have,

    時には 愛する人を亡くした経験が

  • I sometimes talk to people

    数日前や数週間前や数年前 数十年前の出来事であることもあります

  • about the worst thing that's ever happened to them.


  • And sometimes, that's the loss of someone they love,

    大切な人との別れの内に 自分を閉ざすこともなく

  • sometimes days ago or weeks ago, years ago, even decades ago.