Erm... yeah. Yeah.

I had a really weird dream.

Did you, babe?

I dreamt you chucked me and I moved in with a girl I hardly knew.

- I chucked you? - Yeah.

- As if! - Yeah!

- Aarrghh! - Tim!

Shit!

Aarrghh!

Shit.

Son of a bitch!

Tim? I'm really trying to work.

- What you telling me for? - Well, I...

I can't concentrate with this mess, I think it's time we unpacked.

- I have unpacked. - Have you?

I'm not talking about your room, I'm talking about this room.

This is a shared area, you've got stuff in here too.

But it's under your stuff. Soon as you clear up, I can do the rest.

- I've got work to do. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

But I haven't seen you sit behind that typewriter for longer than two minutes.

- What do you mean? - I mean... I think you're trying to avoid doing any work..

Oh, really?

I just think we should draw up some kind of a rota. All right?

- All right. - We need to establish domestic equilibrium.

- OK. - We need to get used to each other.

We don't know each other that well, do we?

No.

In the interests of making this cohabitation charade work for us,

I think we should do everything we can to try and make day-to-day life as easy and enjoyable as possible.

All right! All right. Look, I'm agreeing with you.

Right. I'll get on with it, then.

- All righty. - OK.

Right.

I'm going to divide it into kitchen, living room and...

Right, then.

- Hey.

- It's OK, it's me.

- Gosh. - How's it going?

Fine. How long have I been going?

- Two and a half minutes. - Shit!

- Listen, I've got an idea. - What?

- Something I think you're gonna like. - I've got to be getting on with thi-

It's important, Daisy. Trust me.

Hm. I'm glad we did that.

We had to really.

It was inevitable you know. I'm just glad we did it sooner rather than later.

I think there would have been a hell of a lot of tension if we'd left it any longer.

You're telling me.

What shall we do now?

I think we should descale the teapot.

- You filthy bitch. - You love it.

Ah!

Here we go. Here we go.

Ooh!

Tim, what are you doing?

Well, we're having a sale on X-Men comics at the shop

and Bilbo wanted me to draw a picture of Wolverine slashing prices with his adamantium

claws.

- I'm also doing a poster... - All right!

Oh! Oh, my glasses! Where are my glasses?

Oh.

Right. Yes!

Let's have a party! Let's have a house-warming party.

- What? - It'd be great!

I could make invitations out of plastic and tinfoil.

We can invite Marsha and Brian.

- Yeah, all right. When? - Tonight! Let's have it tonight!

Tonight?! That's a bit short notice.

It'll be great, I'll call all my mates, it'll be like Warhol's Factory-

artists, writers, musicians, dossers off the street,

all interacting and relaxing in our pad, the new hub of north London.

The cutting edge! You know?

We could have a glitter ball! I could make one out of tinfoil!

- All right. - Yes!

- But your room's the coat room. - OK.

Get this old thing out the way.

♪ Party, um-by-ay, party, um-by-ay...

If we have it, they will come.

I said yes.

Leave me alone!

Holiday from what? We'd all have a bleedin' holiday, wouldn't we?

Oh, hello. Everything all right?

Teenagers, eh?

She's not a teenager, she's the devil in an A cup!

- Ooh!

Well, us amiable bunch of 20-somethings, us harmless happy-go-lucky lot,

we're having a party tonight, very small, very quiet.

We wondered if you and Amber wanted to come and throw coleslaw at each other.

She won't come, she's having a party of her own up here tonight.

- You sure you want me there? - Oh, yeah! We'd love it if you came.

Will Brian be there?

I hope so, Tim's just gone to ask him.

- Do you like him? - He's all right.

Good legs.

- Who is it? - Father Christmas.

- Oh, it's you. - Who'd you think it was?

Daisy wants a house-warming party tonight

so she sent me to ask you if you want to come.

- Is Marsha coming? - I don't know, she's gone up to ask her.

What's the deal with you and Marsha?

- You know about the deal? - What?!

I'm busy, Tim, painting a triptych.

- Oh, yeah, what's it called? - Bad Sandwich.

- Really? - Yes.

It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event,

a synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive expressions.

- There'll be girls at the party. - Really?

- Yes. - Mm.

All right, mate?

I don't think we're gonna need any security, it's gonna be very low-key.

Well... Yeah, well, bring one. Bring the Baretta. Yeah.

No, bring the Glock 17, yeah, that's my favourite.

OK, I'll see you later. Bye. Where have you been?

Talking to Marsha. What's a Glock 17?

It's a gun. You've been talking to Marsha for four hours?

Did you know her husband once drummed for Status Quo? Who's bringing a gun?

Mike. Is that what you've been talking about for four hours?

Why is Mike bringing a gun to our party?

Security. Do you think she suspects we're not a couple?

I don't think so. Why do we need security? We're not organising a rave.

It's not that kind of security, it's like a gonk, a troll, a Linus blanket, you know.

Do we still have to hold hands in the corridor?

- Not if you don't want to. - I didn't say that.

We could probably cut down on the fake sex noises.

Shame.

My friend Twist is coming. Oh, you're gonna love her, she's brilliant!

She's brilliant, really intelligent, funny, talented, funny, funny, interesting.

Forget all that. Is she fit?

She ran half a marathon for Fashion Aid.

Have you managed to rustle up any media types?

- Oh, yeah. - Who?

- The paperboy. - Smooth.

What about you?

What with the Skaterama at the East Finchley Uberbowl

and the Tripods convention in Swindon, most of my friends are otherwise engaged.

Don't worry, Tim, it's gonna be great.

I'm just gonna go and try on a few outfits.

- Hello? - Oh, hi. Is Daisy there, please?

Hang on, she's just getting her clothes on. Daisy! It's your boyfriend!

Shh! Hi, Richard.

- What did he mean by that? - 'By what?'

About you getting your clothes on?

We're having a house-warming, I was trying to pick some clothes.

- Oh, I see. - 'How's it going?'

What's that?!

- Daisy, I can hear sex noise!

Shh! Not now!

I see it as a tribute

to Christo, the artist.

I see it as a waste

of Baco, the foil.

Party!

OK, whoo! Whoo!

Music. Music! We need warm-up music!

Warm-up music, warm-up music.

Party tape. Here we go.

♪ Hot dog, jumping frog

♪ Alma Cookies

♪ Hot dog, jumping frog

Come on!

Ooh, try not to eat too much, there's quite a lot of people coming. Yeah?

Hey, Brian, do you want some ice?

Come on! Come on! Come and get some ice, go on!

Oh, God, I don't understand this!

I defrosted this earlier. It just eats up electricity and frosts up really quickly.

I put half a Magnum in there this afternoon, I can't get it out now.

- It's almost as if it's... - Self-aware.

Yeah.

- Agh!

- Hi, Mike. - Tim.

- Hello. - Oh, hi. We're looking for the party.

- Er, yeah, well, come on it. - Are you Amber's dad?

It's upstairs.

- You might have missed the puppet show. - Fuck off!

- What did you say? - They said "Fuck off."

I know what they said, Mike!

Little cow. Standing there with her purple hair and her alcopops, giving it all that, "Hello."

Sorry, this is my best friend, Mike.

Hello, Mike. I'm Daisy, nice to meet you.

How you doin'? Sergeant Mike Watts, TA. It's the longest way up, shortest way down.

- Oh, you've brought something? - Yeah, I've got a... land mine.

Oh, right, OK. I'll just put that somewhere safe.

Artist, writer...

- Er, Mike. - You never said Amber was having a party.

- Yeah. We'll show them.

What is this?! This is rubbish!

We should be listening to firm, young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass.

God, I sound so stupid!

Twist! Hi!

- Oh! - Daisy! Oh!

Don't you look nice? Bit of a midriff show!

- Yeah. - Big's in this season. Good for you.

Everyone, this is my friend, Twist.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, Twista, what can I getcha?

I shouldn't really drink because of the yeast, but go on, I'll be naughty and have a spritzer.

Is there anywhere I can hang my wrap?

- Daisy's room's the coat room. - Right.

She's great, isn't she? She's great, she's so funny!

Oh!

So, erm, you two have got separate rooms?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No.

- We had an argument. - We had a fight, Daisy snores.

- I snore! - Like a pig!

- He's like a big sweaty pig! - Ha, you're the pig! I'm not the snoring one.

- That's why we sleep separately.

- That's right, yeah. We're not a couple. - Hey! Hey!

Y-you! Funny. That is good.

No, the fact is...

We're not a couple. We lied to get the flat.

- But we really like it here. - We really like it here.

- So, please, whatever you do, don't tell... - Marsha!

- Hello. - Hi!

It's me, the weirdo from upstairs.

Oh!

- Am I late? - No!

- Hello, Brian. - Hello.

- Erm, Twist...

Marsha, this is Twist. She's in fashion.

Er, Marsha's... a landlady.

- Hello. - Hi! Interesting outfit.

Oh, thanks. Thought I'd make an effort.

Mm, yeah. I can really see what you tried to do.

Yeah. Cheers.

And that's Mike.

Er,... and... he's... a Mike.

- Where shall I put me coat? - Er...?

Don't worry.

I'll put it in Tim and Daisy's room.

If I was you, I wouldn't care. You look great like that.

You can just eat what you like and you don't care if you get fat.

I wish I didn't have to be so picky.

You can't trust them in that organic-produce shop. It's con after con.

That's it, isn't it? Con after con.

The evil hand of capitalism dons a gardening glove

to take our money in the name of global awareness.

The woman in there has really squinty eyes, stinks of garlic and looks like a turd in a wig.

You'd think with the money she's raking in she could afford a new hairbrush.

A T-shirt or something.

Anyway. It's quite a nice flat.

It'll be better when you've unpacked and cleaned up a little.

This is it, actually.

Tim seems nice and friendly, doesn't he?

Come on, now, Daisy. Stop feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure.

Everything's going to be fine. Hm? Hey?