if I could hit your button, but I guess it's too late?

- Honey, you can hit my button anytime you want.

- (laughing) Oh!

(upbeat rock music)

Hey, guys!

I'm Glamdora, and this is my new show on Crypt TV.

Yes, Crypt TV was dumb enough to give me my own show,

and I'm really glad you found it somehow.

Life is magical.

This show is a show for all of you out there,

whether you're horror fans or not.

Who gives a shit?

You're here, I'm here, we're all in this together,

and I think we're all the same, you know?

We have hopes, and dreams,

and kill lists, and a super fucked up family, right?

Every week we're gonna learn some lessons together.

(whacking) (moaning)

And this week's lesson is how to be happy.

(imposing music)

Here's a list of things that will definitely

not make you happy.

Asking for a follow back on Instagram.

Begging for an incubus to relinquish his grasp

on your throat has he submerges you in the lake of fire.

We've all been there.

Just make better choices.

Sorting Crypt TV's YouTube videos by newest.

(winces) It's it's not getting any better.

Guys whose only personality trait is, "I have a beard."

We get it.

Responding "Choke me, daddy" to a celeb on Twitter.

It's crazy how things catch on,

but I would advise against that.

Okay, guys, let's learn how to be happy

with our very first guest, James, AKA Dead Meat!

(horn blares)

My first (bleep) damn guest

started his YouTube channel in 2017

and has already amassed over one million subscribers.

He studied at the University of Michigan.

Here he is, Raw Dog!

(cheering)

- Uh, Dead Meat.

- That's what I said.

- Hi.

It's me, Raw Dog.

Dead Meat.

- What do you think about my, uh,

torture slash pleasure chamber?

- Oh, yeah, it's like kind of a Hellraiser type

walkin' the line there.

No, it seems very, uh, prepared.

- You seem like a friendly dude,

but how come you count kills for a living?

- Fake kills, yeah.

- You ever really killed anybody?

- No.

- Would you be honest in this moment if you had?

- No.

- So horror-- - Mm-hmm.

- What attracted you to the genre?

- I like being scared.

Ohh, see?

That was great!

Nice.

(chuckles) I don't know what that is, but all right.

- I was being possessed.

- That's what demons do?

- Is that what demons do?

You know I'm demonic, right?

- Yeah.

- What is your most favorite kill of all time?

Your top, number one most favorite kill

that you jerk off to the most.

- Sure, sure, yeah.

Uh, so I'd say probably, like, the Jason X kill

where he freezes her face in liquid nitrogen,

then slams it against the table, and just bursts everywhere.

(nitrogen hisses)

(smashing)

- What's the scariest thing about Michigan?

- All the unemployment.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- James? - Yeah.

- What're your dreams?

- Oh.

Uh, dreams like in general? - Yeah.

- I guess like world peace,

and people not being hungry. - Mm-hmm.

- And-- - Anything, like, attainable?

(sighs)

- What are your fears?

What's your deepest fear?

- Ironically, death.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So this how you deal with it.

- I think so, I think that's how I cope.

- You know we're like already dead, basically.

Like, this is like a (clicks tongue) and then poo!

- Oh.

- Not for me, I'm immortal.

- No, yeah, that must be nice.

- N'eh, it gets old.

- What was your least favorite century?

- 1300s. - 1300s?

- I was a nun, it sucked!

- Sorry. - Plus--

- What was your favorite century?

- Ooh!

Um, it was the last year of the Roman Empire,

was (bleep) insane.

- Oh, was it just like people running around like,

"Oh, God, it's all over?"

- Everyone was bleeding, cumming, and it was crazy.

- Yeah, it sounds awesome.

- Yeah, it was (bleep) awesome.

What's your favorite horror movie?

- John Carpenter's The Thing.

- Ooh! - Yeah.

- Why?

- Everything.

(screaming) (screeching)

It's pretty dope. You ever see it?

- Mm-hmm, yeah, I've seen everything.

- I guess that's a benefit of being immortal.

- What horror movies are you looking forward to coming up?

- I mean, there's that new Halloween coming out.

I wanna see if they can make a good Halloween again.

- You don't think they can?

- (chuckling) The series doesn't have a good track record.

- All right, Raw Dog, Dead Meat, whatever your name is.

We're gonna play--

- Where did Raw Dog come from?

- Do you know what that is? (scoffs)

- Well, yeah.

- Have you ever done it?

- Uh,

what's this game?

- We're gonna play a game called Glamazon,

where I'm gonna go through your Amazon purchases

and I'm gonna make fun of you.

- Okay.

It's just a lot of Blu Rays, dude.

- Blu Rays?

- [James] Mm-hmm.

- Why do you need Blu Rays when you can just stream shit?

- I'm a physical man.

- Prove it.

- (chuckles) Uh--

- Pretty much everything on the internet is public.

Who you followed, who liked your Instagram,

who watched your story, how much you paid

your drug dealer on Venmo.

But what is still secret is your Amazon purchase history,

until now, my friend Raw Dog.

Give me your phone, please.

(idle rock music)

So willing.

- Yeah.

- Dang.

- It's just Blu Rays.

- There is a lot of Blu Rays on here.

- I'm not lying. - All right.

- Oh, my God!

A black bath loofa sponge shower poof body?

- Mm-hmm.

- Why are there so many words in that description

that say the same thing?

It's just a loofa.

I don't use a loofa.

- You don't?

- If I bathe, I just splash out my, you know.

- Oh. - My (bleep).

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I do a little more than that,

so I need a loofa. - Okay, well, good for you.

- What? - What?

- What? - What?

- [James] Quit lookin' at my loofa.

- Quit looking at my face. - Okay.

- All right, all the Blu Rays,

we've got Sorority Row, Jennifer's Body,

Cabin in the Woods.

You jerk off a lot.

Okay, Maybelline dream velvet soft matte--

- Yeah, it's real nice.

- What is this?

- It's a makeup.

- You wear makeup?

- A little bit of cover, you know.

- We got a shit ton of batteries for all his sex toys.

- Mm-hmm.

- Blue adult indoor hairball control.

Now is that for your wife or your cat?

- That's for my cat. (cat hacks and meows)

- More Blu Rays, the Mutilator, Blood Rage,

Pieces, It Comes at Night, so does this guy,

the Devil's Candy, that's my pussy,

the Witch.

- A Foreman grill. (sizzling)

- Let's play another game.

All right, James.

- Sup?

- Let's play kill, torture, (bleep).

See if your relationship survives.

Kill, torture, (bleep)?

Smash Mouth, attorney general Jeff Sessions, Dennis Rodman.

- Oh, shit.

- Hurry!

- I'll (bleep) Rodman.

He's so athletic!

- Okay, who you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?

- I guess I'll, I guess I'll kill Sessions,

don't, don't come at me, FBI,

and, uh, you know, All Star has been torture for many of us,

so it's only right.

♪ All that glitters is gold ♪

- Kill, torture, (bleep), Busta Rhymes,

Shonda Rhimes, Leann Rimes.

- Damn, I'll, uh,

(bleep) uh, Shonda Rhimes.

- Yeah.

- And then I'll kill Leann.

- Which, why?

- Uh, just 'cause I don't want to torture her.

She didn't do anything.

- Knew you'd put her out of her misery.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then Busta, it's like, dude,

Halloween Resurrection.

Come on, man.

- Trick or treat, mother (bleep).

(shouting)

- Kill, torture, (bleep).

Me, you,

and that white guy over there.

- That white guy?

- Yeah, that white guy.

- Just to avoid gettin' in any trouble, I'll (bleep) me.

- We know, you love to (bleep) yourself.

You order Blu Rays, and then you watch who gets killed,

and then get off on it.

- That's right.

- That's right, you heard it here!

- And we have a rapport, so I guess just go ahead and,

well, no, are you into torture?

- I'm into everything, honey.

- Well, then I'll go ahead and torture you,

'cause that might be doing you like a favor.

- Thank you so much.

- Yeah, and then I'll just, I'll just kill you dude.

- Yeah, sorry.

Sometimes things work out so beautifully.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

- What's your sign?

- I don't believe in that shit.

- Giggles, Look-See and the Birch.

- I'll fuck Giggles.

- How?

- What do you mean how?

- I'm just like--

- You want details?

- Yeah, I want details.

- I'm not a smut peddler.

- Uh-huh.

(chuckles)

Okay, okay.

Who're you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?

- Ah, man.

I guess I'll torture Look-See.

- How're you gonna torture him?

- Chinese water torture.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- And I'll kill Birch.

Just hack her down!

- Hack 'er down! - Whatever, man.

- Hack that bitch down. - Yeah.