Shrek made you laugh,

How to Train Your Dragon made you feel,

Now, DreamWorks' newest franchise will make you question the very fabric of reality

"I'll be there!"

Boss Baby

No seriously, it's a weird one.

Meet Boss Baby,

his actual given name

who also happens to be a boss, a baby, and a bossy baby version of Alec Baldwin's bossiest roles.

"Cookies are for closers"

"Coffee's for closers only"

"You called?"

"Do you need Senor Squeaky?"

"You called for ice cream, sir? Here's two scoops."

But if you think that's all there is to this kids flick,

hold onto your powdered butts for a sharp left turn into madness.

Where the companies who manufacture babies and puppies

compete for the limited amount of love in the world.

"This is war, puppies are winning and babies are losing."

Baby Corp employees have adult level intelligence, but drink laced milk to keep their bodies tiny

"Without that formula, I turn into a normal baby!"

Pacifiers that let you astral project your soul through physical space

"I want you to suck it"

and a memory wiping baby task force can make you forget your own children

"Forget about the baby"

"Forget about the baby."

So if you think Logan was the darkest action movie that came out in 2017,

or that Ragnarok was the craziest,

you haven't really listened to anything I just said.

Has your child ever asked where babies come from?

Get ready to dodge that question with 90 minutes of lies that will take years of therapy to undo.

"I wasn't born, I was hired."

Where babies start life on a dangerous assembly line,

get assigned their sex via pinball machine,

and even though it looks like women still get pregnant, the baby shows up in a... taxi?

But then what happened to the... Oh no...

This can't be easier to explain than saying mommy and daddy want to bone sometimes.

"No wonder kids are so messed up"

There's more than just babies along for the ride,

like Tim, the boy who shows you how obnoxious owning children can be.

"How would you like to have a baby brother?"

"No thanks, I'm enough."

Whose imagination borders on clinical insanity

"Perhaps your parents need to be... enlightened."

"With a great curse!"

And the villain Francis Francis, formerly known as

*clears throat*

Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby.

Who's made a puppy so cute, it will literally steal a mother's love from her kids

"Mommy?"

Man, this movie is weird!

And we haven't even touched on the part where the seven-year-old gets hammered in Vegas!

Prepare for a film that will fill up the diaper that was once your brain,

as you question whether anything on screen is real or not.

Because Tim falls asleep at the beginning, so it's all fake, but then the mom is actually pregnant so it's real

But it's all from Tim's point of view so it's fake.

But the parents acknowledge the baby is wearing a suit, so it must be real.

"He's like a little man."

But the action is shown to be exaggerated, so it's fake.

But Tim records the baby actually talking, so that's real!

But the parents never hear the tape, so it's fake!

But the parents do hear the baby talk, so it's real!

"Yes, the baby's fine."

"Who was that?"

But at the end, grown up Tim says "It's just how he remembers it", so it's fake!!

But his daughter is also a boss baby, so it's real.

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop it, movie!

I can't take it anymore!

You've broken me!

So if you're looking to put thoughts in kids heads that they never would have come up with on their own

"You can't be fired from your own family!"

"..can you?"

Enjoy this acid trip that leaves you with more questions than answers

But if you ever get overwhelmed, sit back and enjoy the office talk:

"You're not going to write a memo, are you?"

"A memo can change the world!"

"But now I know that memos are very important things."

The one Beatles song they paid for.

("Blackbird" plays as sung by characters)

And violence.

"No!"

Lots and lots of violence.

"Ow."

Hey stop it! This is literally child abuse!

"This, Templeton, is first-class."

"Why is it empty?"

"No one can afford it."

That... that is more socio-economic commentary than I expect from my talking baby films.

*reading comments*