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I really am a boring person when I'm home.
I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat
I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles)
Thank you. I'm a cat person, are there any other cat people out there?
(some audience members cheer)
Got some cat people here nice. I'm guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, I'm not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I'm a cat person
What does that mean? You don't like dogs? No, that's not what that means it just means. I like other people's dogs (laughter)
I like dogs. I just like them over there and I'll play with them, but then go back over there
I don't like that kind of energy in my house
You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like "YEEAAAAHH!"
It creeps me out. I don't care for that
I don't like that at all, just in your face like "YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE'S A TREE!"
All the time? No thank you
That's why I like cats cats more like "Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don't care"
"I'll be in the kitchen, I'll see you later."
I Like that. I don't need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate
That sometimes wants to hang out
Like a dog you can pet a dog's belly all day. They'll never get tired of it
Just all day just like "Yeah, man. Never stop. You're the best! HAHAHAHA!"
Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea
A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it's like "All right get away from me."
"I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me."
That's what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry
We haven't folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like "Mm-hmm."
"Everyone's gonna know."
So bothersome
My wife, she has a new hobby, she's really into special needs animals. I don't know if that's made its way out here in Provo
If you don't know what special needs animals. They're animals, they have special needs
(audience laughs) That is all
There's this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat
That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries
And that's what she does for fun. That's what she does for a good time, and it's weird cuz I come home
And she's just on the computer (crying noises)
And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did
And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it's Oscar the blind cat "Look at Oscar."
And he's adorable he has no eyes
and I'm like (mournful sigh)
And she goes "I want a special-needs animal, I want one." I'm like "You don't ask for one you get bestowed one.
Cuz I don't know. What do you you can't just go to the pound be like
"Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?" like that's not how that works
"I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?"
You can't do that
You know we got Jessica at the pound, that's where we got Jessica, and we didn't name her Jessica
They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don't you change your name cuz that's wrong. You don't change someone's name
That's rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can't just be like "Yep can't pronounce that your name's Jeff now."
That's rude. You learn that person's name so I got a cat named Jessica
Very much your thing
Jessica's overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat
Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario
You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs? No
They look at you, and they go what'd you do to her?
And that's not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather
I'm always running around my house "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get the cardio going"
She's not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble
They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you're on a diet Jessica
We tried
But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head
Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go
and I'm like "Yeah, you're right this diet is over. I had no idea that's how you felt about it. I apologize."
"I'm getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let's get after it."
(audience claps)
I don't have any children
But if I'm out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye
Contact and I go "I get it.
"Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?"
"I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep."
My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress
That's what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It's the best mattress in the world
It's most comfortable is it not? It's the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only
Don't do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that
That is not why scientists came together
just make for resting comfortably and that is it
I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It's like trying to wrestle in quicksand
It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly
(audience laughing)
"Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!"
"Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I'm gonna get some help, Jessica!"
"We need some help!"
But she can't help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further
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Zoltan Kaszas on why cats are better than dogs - Dry Bar Comedy

438 タグ追加 保存
Chloe 2018 年 10 月 21 日 に公開
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