IN FACT, I'LL OFTEN ASK MYSELF LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS, LIKE --

"WHY AM I HERE?" AND, "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?"

AND, "DID THAT GUY AT STARBUCKS REALLY THINK MY NAME WAS KYLE OR

DAVID OR DID A JUST TAKE DAVID'S COFFEE?

( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES I NEED TO EXPRESS

THESE THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS THAT CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BY

ANOTHER VERY DEEP A-LIST CELEBRITY.

IT'S TIME FOR "BIG QUESTIONS WITH EVEN BIGGER STARS!"

♪ ♪

( APPLAUSE ) WOW.

LOOK AT THAT SKY.

THE STARS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE MADE OF...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IT'S ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR

STEPHEN.

>> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.

LIKE I WAS SAYING, THEY'RE LITERALLY "ELEMENTARY."

LIKE HELIUM AND CARBON AND STUFF.

>> STEPHEN: RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE.

YOU SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO HAS PROFOUND THOUGHTS.

>> IT'S THE ACCENT.

>> STEPHEN: RIGHT.

HEY BENEDICT?

>> YEAH, STEPHEN?

>> STEPHEN: DO YOU EVER WONDER HOW YOUR LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT

IF YOU WERE BORN IN A DIFFERENT PLACE?

>> NOT REALLY.

I THINK ENGLAND IS THE ONLY PLACE THAT MAKES PEOPLE NAMED

"BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH."

( LAUGHTER ) HEY S.C.?

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, B.C.?

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR LAST THOUGHT WILL BE?

>> STEPHEN: PROBABLY-- "PARACHUTE!"

( SNAPS FINGERS ) YEAH.

BERTY?

>> STEPHEN: HEY, BATCHY?

IS HAPPEN NECESSARY THE SAME AS JOY?

>> NO.

I DATED JOY FOR YEARS AND SHE WAS NOT HAPPY.

STEVE?

>> STEPHEN: BENEDICT TIMOTHY CARLTON CUMBERBATCH, COMMANDER

OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE?

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT DOLPHINS ARE SMARTER THAN

HUMANS?

>> STEPHEN: YES.

FOR ONE THING, THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET INTO SEAWORLD FOR

FREE.

( LAUGHTER ) HEY, DOCTOR STRANGE?

>> YES, DOCTOR EXCEEDINGLY NORMAL?

>> STEPHEN: DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL JUST LIVING

INSIDE A VIDEO GAME?

>> NO.

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MANY WHITE PILLS I EAT, THE GHOSTS STILL

FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE.

>> STEPHEN: WAKA-WAKA-WAKA!

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

IS IT A STAR?

>> IS IT OR A SOV YET SATELLITE.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> Stephen: HEY BENNIE BATCH?

>> YEAH, STEPHEN COLE-SLAW?

>> STEPHEN: IS THERE A NUMBER SO LARGE THAT THE HUMAN MIND CANNOT

EVEN COMPREHEND IT?

>> YES.

IT'S THE AMOUNT OF MONEY BEING MADE BY THE AVENGERS.

>> STEPHEN: WOW.

>> YEAH, I THINK WE'RE UP TO VENTI-GRILLION DOLLARS.

HEY, S?

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, B?

>> DO YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE ANY MYSTERIES HUMANITY CAN'T SOLVE?

>> STEPHEN: NO, YOU USUALLY WRAP THEM UP BY THE END OF THE

SEASON.

( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, ACTUALLY, EACH EPISODE

IS A SELF-CONTAINED MYSTERY.

>> STEPHEN: WELL, SURE, BUT THERE ARE OVERARCHING QUESTIONS

THAT RUN THROUGH MULTIPLE EPISODES.

EVEN MULTIPLE SERIES.

LIKE THE WHOLE MORIARITY THING.

WHAT'S GOING THERE?

>> HE'S DEAD.

I THOUGHT WE MADE THAT PRETTY CLEAR.

>> STEPHEN: HE'S STILL LEAVING YOU MESSAGES!

>> HE'S GONE, STEPHEN!

IT'S OVER!

>> STEPHEN: SEE?

THIS IS WHY I'M A WATSON FAN.

( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU WOULD BE!

>> STEPHEN: HEY, BENEDICTATOR?

>> YEAH, COLBERT FORCE ONE?

>> STEPHEN: WOULD YOU RATHER FIGHT A LOBSTER THE SIZE OF A

BEAR, OR TWENTY BEARS THE SIZE OF LOBSTERS?

>> HMMM.

NEITHER.

I'D RATHER JUST WAIT FOR THE DRUGS TO WEAR OFF.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HOW LONG DOES THAT

USUALLY TAKE?

>> THE LENGTH OF A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

>> STEPHEN: PERFECT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS ONE WITH

MORE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAKA WAKA WAKA WAKA!