and she's already speaking Spanish and English.

Which is impressive, to me. I wanted her to learn Spanish, first, because, first of all,

she's half Latina, and we live in California, so, you know, I want her to,

at least know the language of California.

[Laughter]

Spanish is a very helpful language, in California, I mean, you go to a restaurant--

you want your car back, from valet-- you want to know, like, what to say, you know mean, so--

[Laughter]

So, you know what I did? I told my ex-wife's family, there from Ecuador, I said,

"Do me a favor. Please only speak to the baby, in Spanish." They were like,

[Spanish accent] "No problem!"

"Hey! Do ju want us, to teach her English, too?"

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] "Naaah! I got this!"

The last thing I want, is my daughter being born, in America, and sounding like, an immigrant, you know?

[Spanish accent] "Dad, are ju coming over?"

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] "No, sweetheart, no Jews are coming over."

[Laughter]

"Not, unless, my agent calls."

[Laughter]

And when you do have kids, trust me on this one, buy your children-- buy your babies--

buy them educational toys. Best thing, you could do. 'Cause they start learning, really young.

I bought my daughter this toy, and you push the color, and it says the color.

You push it, and it'll be like-- You push yellow, and it'll be like,

♪ Yelloooow

♪ Greeeen

♪ Bluuuue ♪ ♪

But the cool thing, in America, is all the educational toys, have a switch,

from English, to Spanish. I flipped all her toys, to Spanish. Now I'm learning Spanish, too.

[Laughter]

Hmmmm?

[Laughter continues]

Who's thinking? I am.

Now, when she pushes it, it goes,

♪ Amarilloooo

♪ Verdeeee

♪ Azuuuul ♪ ♪

Now, I know how to say, yellow, green, and blue, in Spanish.

But only, like an opera singer.

[Laughter]

Let me tell you, where this backfired, on me.

A few weeks ago, I was in LA.

I needed some yellow paint.

I went to Home Depot, and uh-- I walked in, and there was a Mexican guy working, INSIDE!

[Laughter]

INSIDE Home Depot!

[Laughter continues]

So, that's progress.

[Laughter]

Thank you, Mr. Obama.

[Laughter continues]

And uh-- I knew he was Mexican. First of all, it's LA. Secondly, his back was facing me,

he was 5'4", had a giant head--

[Laughter]

There's no neck! It looked like, a Rock'em Sock'em Robot, that hadn't been punched in the stomach yet.

[Laughter]

He turned around, his name was Juan, you know what I mean?

Juan, and he had the little Mexico flag, right there.

And, when I see people, and I can tell what their comfort language is,

I always like to try, and greet them, in that language--

For two reasons: So, that way, first, they think I speak their bullshit,

and that way, they won't try to rip me off.

Secondly, you know, I just-- it-- it makes them feel comfortable, right away.

And when I do say something, in your language, I try to say the best way I can,

so you really believe, I speak your language.

But the minute you reply, I get all fucked up, because I've run out of words.

[Laughter]

So, I see him, and I go,

[In spanish] "¡Hola, Juan! ¿Cómo estamos, hoy?"

He's like,

[In spanish] "¡Hola!"

[Mimicking Very Fast Spanish]

[Tune of "The Mexican Hat Dance"]

[Laughter]

and I'm like, "Alrighty then, listen, uhm--"

[Laughter]

I make it look like, we need to go back to English, you know, because you're at work,

and we need to keep it professional!

[Laughter]

So, I go, "I need some paint." He goes,

[In Spanish] "Sí-- ¿Que color?"

I go, "Yellow."

[In Spanish] "Sí, mira."

And he holds up, gray, and white, and shades of gray, and shades of white, and I'm like,

"No, no, no-- Yellow."

[In Spanish] "Sí, mira. Hielo."

[Normal voice] "No, Juan, that's gray, and white, and shades of gray, and shades of white."

[Spanish accent] "No, ju say, 'hielo.' Mira, hielo, hielo."

[Normal voice] "No, that's not, "yellow yellow." That's fucking gray, and white, Juan."

[In Spanish] "¡Hielo! ¡Mira, hielo!"

[Spanish accent] "Ice - Ice"

[Normal voice] "I don't care what your favorite song is, right now. I just--"

[Laughter]

"I just want yellow paint."

[In Spanish] "¡Sí, mira! ¡Hielo! Ice! Ice!"

I didn't know, that "yellow," meant, "ice," in Spanish! I didn't know that. That's not on the toy!

[Laughter]

So, I get in this big argument, with the guy. I'm like,

"No, not fucking ice, Juan, yellow!"

[In Spanish] "¡Sí, mira! ¡Hielo!"

[Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'mira, yellow,' this is not yellow!

[In Spanish] "¡Mira, hielo! Ice!"

[Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'yellow ice!' I don't want yellow ice! That's disgusting, first of all--"

[Laughter]

"I just want yellow!"

[In Spanish] "¡Mira, hielo!"

[Normal voice] "Stop saying, 'mira, yellow!' YELLOW! YELLOW!

[In spanish] "¡NO SE! ¡NO SE!"

[Normal voice] "STOP FUCKIN-- WHAT DO YOU SAY, THEN?!"

[Laughter]

[In spanish] "¡NO SE!"

[Laughter continues]

I'm like, "Ugh!"

[Low laughter]

[No audio]

♪ Amarilloooooo ♪ ♪

[Laughter]

Turns out, he had the same toy, at home!

[Laughter]

He goes,

[Spanish accent] "OH! Ju mean,"

♪ Yelloooooow ♪ ♪

[Laughter and Applause]

♪ ♪