Oh, hi. James from engVid.

Today I wanted to talk to you about two tips on conversation.

These tips I think can have you...

Help you have an amazing conversation, make you really interesting...

Actually, make people really interested in you so you can keep having conversation.

After all, it's the practice that we need to get better, and if people don't want to

talk to you, you can't improve.

So quickly we'll go to the board and you'll see Mr. E has boxing gloves, and it says:

"1, 2".

In boxing, the "old one-two" is a jab and a straight punch.

Why?

It's very effective and it gets the job quickly done so you can take out your opponent.

In this case, what I want to do is teach you two things that you can use in combination

to make people you speak to enjoy the conversation with you, want to practice more, or talk to

you more so you get more practice.

Are you ready?

Let's go to the board.

So, how to knock them out with killer conversation tips, 1 and 2.

For most people when they're practicing or when they want to improve conversation, they

think: "I need to talk a lot because if I get to talk a lot I'll get better."

That's 50% of the equation, because in any conversation there's the speaker and the listener,

and both parts must be worked on, because if you have a healthy balance the person who

is listening to you will want you to continue, but usually they want to speak as well.

In a lot of conversations, something that will make a conversation go well is empathy,

which "empathy" means: "I understand what you're saying.

I also want to know how you feel."

Another part of it is energy, people want to be excited.

Nobody wants to talk to a person who talks like this on the whole subject, it wants...

It makes them want to stop talking to you.

That energy or lack of energy can be on your part or their part.

In this lesson I want to address both things, empathy and energy, to teach you how to raise

the energy in a conversation if it's low; and teach you empathy, how to feel or get

them to feel in the conversation so they care, because if they care, they share.

Are you ready?

Let's go to the board.

Let's talk about empathy.

One of the biggest parts of a conversation is empathy.

When a person cares about the conversation, they stay in it, they're excited about it,

so it's one way to raise energy.

A lot of times when we're talking we make the mistake of thinking: "Okay, well, I've

got a lot to tell people", and we get excited, so we have a lot of energy, you're talking

about: "I got a new car the other day.

It's an amazing car.

It's got, like, bucket seats.

The seats warm up in the winter.

Canada's cold.

The steering wheel warms up.

I got a really good price on it.

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I...

I..." the magic "I".

Now, it's good for me because I get to say: "I", see?

Me and I, but for a listener it gets boring because they're like: "Ah, ah".

They want to talk.

So a way to change that around, you might say: "Well, I'll just use 'you'.

I'll say: 'How about you?

You, you, you'".

That's okay, that's a good start, putting it on them.

But if you want to show empathy to get them interested in the conversation, what you might

want to say is one of two sentences I will show you now because when you say these sentences

it makes the person know you care about them, not just about you.

And in inviting them to speak about something gives them the opportunity to put their opinion

in, so no matter how the conversation goes, they will remember that they were part of

a conversation, not a lecture where you just spoke about you.

And they will also probably remember the conversation in a more positive way, which means later

on they'll want to talk to you.

So what are these magic sentences that change everything?

Well, you say it...

Well, you know them, but how often do you say it?

The first one is: "How do you feel about that?", or: "How do you feel about it?", or: "What

do you think about that?"

I know it sounds mechanical and it might be hard to use, but play with me for a second.

So, Mr. E, I'm talking and I'm like: "So, you know, I got that car I was telling you

about.

I got a really good deal, dah-dah-dah.

You know, it's got these seats and that."

Mr. E is over here: "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mm-hmm, yeah."

It's only a matter of time before he takes out his cellphone, looks at his watch and

says: "I have to go."

It's all about me.

Now, if I'm smart and I'm just: "Dah-dah-dah", and I notice he's like: "Uh-huh, uh-huh",

then I might turn around and say: "You know what?

How do you feel about that?

I mean, you said you needed to get a new car, and how do you feel about the cars that are

there or the prices, or...?"

And they'll: "Oh, you want my opinion, you care about me."

Now Mr. E is involved in the conversation again, and then he will get to talk.

This is when it's time for you to shh and listen, because by asking this kind of a question

you invite them to give you information so you can continue the conversation.

Because he might say: "Ah, I'm not really into getting a new car.

It's doubtful about my job.

I don't know what's going to be happening."

You go: "Hey, what's happening in your life?

What's going on with your job?"

Now they get to express themselves, make an...

You know, put an opinion on what you were talking about further about...

Further the conversation about themselves, they're into it.

When they walk away now, they're going to think: "It was really nice talking to that

person."

Right?

That's tip number one.

Tip number two, because that was empathy, get them to feel.

Feeling is important for an interesting conversation.

Energy.

Now, in this case you were talking too much about yourself because you were all energetic

and chatting, chatting, chatting.

Energy is a different thing here.

What I want to talk about is: When you have a conversation with someone and they're not

into it.

So look at my face.

I will be two characters, character A and character B, or 1 and 2.

So, 1, I'm like: "Hey, man.

I got a new car.

It's really cool.

Oh, I'm so excited about it.

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah."

And the other person's like: "Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm."

And you go: -"So, what about yourself?

What are you doing now?"

-"Well, you know, I've just got this new job."

And they go: "I just got a new job."

They don't really look at you, they just kind of drop it off...

Normally what you would say: "Oh, so tell me about the new job."

And then they'll go: "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's okay, you know, pays me a bit more money.

You know, it's a new job."

The conversation is dying.

A better example of that would help you think about this is if you've ever been on a date,

and you ask your date: -"So, how do you like the food?"

-"Ah, it's okay."

-"Oh.

Did you see...?

Did you see that new movie that just came out?"

-"No, no, no.

What about it?"

And you find yourself talking and sweating the whole time.

Here's a little trick I'm going to teach you: Use the word: "Okay."

Huh?

Well, don't just say: "Okay", say it like this: "Okay.

Hmm, okay."

Flat.

Why?

When you say the word: "Okay" like that, or even if you go: "Yeah, sure.

Sure", flat, it makes the person...

You're telling the person: "Go on."

It's like saying: "And...?"

Now, remember the conversation about the date?

I want you to think of another situation.

You walk in your boss' office and you say: "Okay, boss, I've done that project for you

today."

She looks up at you and she goes: "Okay."

And then you're like: "And I talked to Johnny like you told me to", and they look at you

again and say: "Okay", because they keep saying to you: "And...?

Go on."

You can even say: "And" as well, like: "And...?

And...?"

It means: "I'm not really impressed.

It sounds interesting maybe for you, but what makes it interesting for me?"

This causes the person you're speaking to, to raise their energy level.

They will then have to go: "Oh, so, yeah, and food's really good here, and..."

As soon as you hear them take a pause and then start speaking, you'll notice they raise

their voice and they try to bring more energy to the conversation, because your: "And",

like the boss is like: "And" or your "Okay" is like: "Okay, so what?

And, so what?

Impress me.

And in order to impress me, you're going to have to raise your energy."

After they've done that, you can turn around and then start being excited yourself.

Right?

Remember?

And then we can even use this one, go back to the empathy thing, where it's like: "So,

and then how do you feel about that new job and what have you?"

Get them more excited.

But up until that point in time, if they're being what we call lackluster and not showing

energy or not interested, it's much better that you stick with the: "Okay, and...?

So?"

Okay?

Cool?

You like that?

Good.

They're little tricks to help you improve your conversation.

But a trick is only a trick until we can make it a tool, and what I mean by that is: Make

it something that you can use on a regular basis to enhance your conversations to make

them useful so you get the practice you need.

You ready?

It's bonus time.

[Snaps]

Okay, so we talked about energy and empathy.

Think Einstein: E=MC2.

Right?

The two things you need together to have a good conversation.

One is to bring someone to speak to you, another is if they're not energetic or interested,

to make them more.

But do you remember at the beginning I talked to you about a 1, 2 punch?

You can use 1 or you could use the other, but in a 1, 2 punch we use them together to

be highly effective, and that's what we're going to do here.

If you know Nelson Mandela, I'm going to do a bonus part for you, as always.

Nelson Mandela was a leader of South Africa.

He went to jail.

He was very successful from going to jail and being in an apartheid situation to freeing

his people and then leading his people after being in jail.

Now, Nelson Mandela was a son of a tribal prince...

Or a king.

So, tribes are groups of people of similar background that live together.

And you can find them all over in North America with the Indian tribes.

Sometimes they're called casts or sects, but generally a group of people living together

in an area.

Anyway, he is...

King was...

His father was a tribal king, and he taught Nelson Mandela two things.

Number one, always make your table round, not square, so everyone's equal.

And number two, which is important for this conversation, he said: "Be the last to speak",

and I'm going to add the part: Be the first to listen.

The reason in make...

You know, being the last to speak is you get to hear what someone has to say, and before

you say something and have to take it back or seem silly, you get to understand their

point and then you can speak in an intelligent way.