(magical sounds)

My name is Lilly Sonch.

(slurps)

And today I wanna help you fine tune a very important skill,

communication? No.

Gratitude?

Absolutely not.

Teamwork?

Don't be ridiculous.

Today I'm here to help you strengthen your pettiness.

(slurps)

In just five easy steps, I'm hoping to take you

from beginner to Kermit meme status.

Let's begin.

Step one, keep track of everything.

Now, if you can't even remember what you had

for breakfast this morning, don't worry,

your memory is garbage, but there's a life hack.

Just write everything down.

This is my petty pad.

(laughs)

Where I write down everything everyone has done wrong,

complete with time and date.

For example, on April 14th at 4:24 p.m.,

Shane Dawson did not reply to my text,

it was delivered, I was wearing a red shirt,

it was a sunny day, but it's no biggie.

This information will come in handy

in the following steps.

Remember last Christmas when you stood beside Jessica

and not me when we took that one picture in front

of the tree?

- Yeah?

- That's all.

Smile!

(camera clicks)

- Dude, why didn't you respond to my text?

I was stranded.

- Well, you took 39 minutes to respond to my

previous text, so...

Step two, bring up the past.

Now there's a famous quote that says forgive

but never forget, and that's why Tumblr's trash,

I mean why do either?

(slurps)

I say, never forgive, never forget,

that way you can always bring it up.

(slurps)

- I love you.

- Oh, then why did you like your ex's picture in 2016?

Night.

Bringing up the past is appreciating history,

and if you don't agree, you don't respect your ancestors,

and that's a shame.

(laughs)

Step three, be passive aggressive.

Now the goal here is to say you're being the bigger person

without actually being the bigger person.

In other words, do not walk it like you talk it,

just simply talk it.

When you're upset, avoid doing radical things

like talking about it and coming to a resolution.

No, no, instead, let your anger seep out slowly

in aggravating ways.

- Hey babe, which tie do you think is better?

- Hmm, I don't know, why don't you ask

the waitress from last night?

(simple music)

- Hey babe, what's the Netflix password again?

- Oh, so now you wanna talk to me?

(simple music)

- Hey, I think I'm having an allergic reaction.

Are my eyes puffy?

- I don't know, you tell me, you're the smart one.

(thumps on floor)

(slurps)

Numero four, be petty in posts.

Centuries ago, pioneer people had to be petty

without the aid of social media,

but today, in the digital world,

there's countless opportunities to show

just how low you can go.

- No I can't do this anymore, okay!

I need some space, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

(simple music)

- Feeling so happy today, I should be an astronaut

because I love space so much.

Remember kids, when they go low,

you go lower, and don't forget to accidentally tag them.

(slurps)

Step five, sentence structure.

It's important to start every petty sentence with

You know, I just think it's really funny how...

I just think it's really funny how...

I just think it's really funny how

(slurps)

you're so annoying.

And there you have it, five easy--

(phone vibrates)

Oh, it's my dear friend Shane Dawson.

(phone vibrates)

There you have it, how to be petty

and never forget things from the past

in just five easy steps.

And remember, practice makes perfect.

(slurps) Aah.

(door slams)

(magical sounds)

Yo, jk, stop being petty, frickin' growth over everything.

If you like this video, give it a big thumbs up,

check out my last comedy video right over there,

because your life will be better if you watch it,

and my second vlog channel's right over there.

Make sure you subscribe because I make new videos

every Monday and Thursday.

One love, Superwoman, that is a wrap, and zoop,

just kidding, I need to call Shane back,

he never even called it was just all post effects!