>> RAY DIAZ: Yeah.

>> RUDY MANCUSO: Woah, okay!

Hello!

Welcome to Alberto's.

I'm Alberto.

So nice to meet you.

Hello.

So nice to meet you.

Okay.

Here's the menu's, maron.

Very beautiful!

Bellissima! Bellissima! You're very beautiful!

I wanna take you to the back for five minutes to see what happens…look at his face!

I'm just kidding!

Calm down!

I'm just kidding. Look at his-

I'm not kidding, we go to the back five minutes, I'll meet you there.

Just kidding again!

Calm down!

Everything is beautiful!

This is Alberto's, the best restaurant in town!

It's the best..

Listen, it's the best restaurant in the universe!

It's the best restaurant in town… it's okay.

It's not great.

We have two stars on Yelp.

It's not that good.

Look around, there's nobody here in the restaurant.

It's empty all the time.

>> RAY DIAZ: How's your pasta here?

>> RUDY MANCUSO: Ah maron!

It's the best pasta you will...!

Listen to me, it's the best pasta in the world!

I'm talking about the best in the world.

It's okay… it's not very good.

It's, uh, I don't even think we have it today to be honest with you.

>> MELANIE IGLESIAS: Um, how about the arugula salad?

>> RUDY MANCUSO: Maron!

Who's this beautiful bellissmo?

Oh my god!

It's the best arugula salad in the world.

It's not very good.

I've seen them make it, they don't even wash the arugula, it's disgusting.

It doesn't taste good.

But it's delicious!

I recommend it!

>> RAY DIAZ: What about the salmon?

>> RUDY MANCUSO: Maron! I didn't even see you.

Look how strong!

Look at the muscle.

We make the best fish in the world, the best fish in the universe.

>> RAY DIAZ: I'll have the fish then.

>> RUDY MANCUSO: Yeah, we do not have fish here today.

I don't believe in cooking fish.

I have a pet fish, his name Vincenzo, but it's delicious.

I recommend the fish.

>> RAY DIAZ: Okay, what do you have here?

What's going on here?

>> MELANIE IGLESIAS: I'm confused.

>> RAY DIAZ: Yeah, yeah, you just said one story and then another one.

What are you bipolar or something?

>> RUDY MANCUSO: What did you say?

>> RAY DIAZ: I, nothing.

>> RUDY MANCUSO: What did you say just now to me?

>> RAY DIAZ: I didn't mean anything by it.

>> RUDY MANCUSO: What did you say?

>>RAY DIAZ: Nothing. >> RUDY MANCUSO: I said, what did you just say my friend?

>> RAY DIAZ: Woah, woah, woah. Bro. >> RUDY MANCUSO: What did you just say to me just now?

>> RAY DIAZ: Calm down. >> RUDY MANCUSO: Say it again to my face!

>> RAY DIAZ: I didn't say… >> RUDY MANCUSO: Say it again to my face!

>> RUDY MANCUSO: What did you say to my face? >> RAY DIAZ: Calm down!

>> RUDY MANCUSO: I'm just kidding!

Calm down!

Oh, everybody calm down!

It's a fake gun.

Look, it has the orange thing.

Calm down! It's fake! It's a toy!

I bought it at the toy store!

It's fake!

Calm down!

Oh maron!

[gun shot]

Okay, maybe it's not fake, sorry.

>> RAY DIAZ: Okay, let's get the hell out of here.

>> MELANIE INGLESIAS: Yeah.

>> RUDY MANCUSO: No, no, no. Okay, okay listen, listen, listen guys, please.

Sit down. Sit down.

I'm sorry, forgive me.

It's not easy growing up in Italia with the disorder that I have.

Please.

Stay.

I've been here for ten years, you're my first customers, please don't go anywhere, please.

>> MELANIE IGLESIAS: You've worked here for ten years?

>> RUDY MANCUSO: No. I don't even work here…

I don't even think it's a real restaurant to be honest.

>> RAY DIAZ: Wait… what?

[exit music]