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  • So Jordan, I know Cortona is your favorite town in Italy.

  • Right.

  • So, I arranged a special treat for you.

  • People of Cortona,

  • I wish to thank you on behalf of myself,

  • and my fake Italian friend from Long Island.

  • Now, the mayor of Cortona, please.

  • Ah, very good

  • I now would like to move on to the great honor

  • that Jordan is going to be given.

  • A parking space made in his honor.

  • (scattered applause)

  • Jordan, please.

  • (band plays Jordan out as crowd cheers)

  • We're going to your favorite restaurant,

  • is that right?

  • Yes.

  • We came here because Jordan, pretty much explicitly said,

  • he's a big deal in this restaurant.

  • I'm not concerned with having a big deal,

  • I'm concerned with having a good meal.

  • It's not all about rank.

  • You have this insecurity about you,

  • that you project onto others.

  • I don't care if I'm a big deal, a little deal,

  • a medium deal, a neutral deal.

  • I just want to go eat a good meal,

  • how many people do I have to know here?

  • I don't know who you are, I don't know who you are.

  • (arguments overlapping) are you on cocaine right now?

  • (laughter)

  • (Jordan speaking Italian)

  • Grazie! We have heard that Jordan is a big deal here.

  • Your picture's up on the wall!

  • Yes, it's an honor.

  • Why did you change the wine glasses?

  • Listen, just listen to me. (audience laughter)

  • This is my place, this is my experience

  • that I'm sharing with you, okay?

  • You may love it, you may hate it.

  • But, at least you'll know you experienced it my way.

  • I really don't, this glass is not balanced in the hand.

  • See, it's like top heavy.

  • You're scaring me.

  • This wine is from a few kilometers

  • from where we sit right now.

  • Just say miles. We're not metric.

  • What are you smelling when you smell this wine?

  • In the same way warmth gives people comfort,

  • sometimes the chill of the forest gives people comfort.

  • And I feel like the smell of this wine,

  • gives me the same feeling.

  • (laughter)

  • What do you smell?

  • You sit there with a judging face

  • without commenting yourself.

  • I smell desperation, I smell sadness,

  • I smell a need to construct a false identity.

  • (laughter)

  • Tuscany, as I've mentioned, is a region of meat.

  • And the meat of this region in particular is the tagliata.

  • Tagliare is to cut, the tagliata is cut.

  • It's a sliced steak...

  • They have a pasta al fumo which has bacon in it,

  • which I know you like, you're big on bacon.

  • It's got bacon, it's in this like, creamy tomato sauce.

  • Ammazzacaffe is the coffee killer. Why?

  • Coffee keeps you up late at night, the ammazzacaffe,

  • the after dinner drink, puts you to sleep after the coffee.

  • Well, I think I'm gonna sleep just fine.

  • (audience laughter)

  • Grazie.

  • Ah, prego, prego! Rastafarian!

  • I have the music and soul of an Italian person

  • when I'm here, I just don't have the words.

  • You know what I mean?

  • You're clearly not Italian, I mean, look at you.

  • You know, look at the way you're dressed,

  • look at your physical condition, I mean there

  • What does that mean?

  • I'm saying that there are different body types.

  • There's an American

  • Do you think I'm heavy?

  • I think you're heavier than the average Italian.

  • Let's just say heavier, not that that's a bad thing.

  • Maybe you're stronger, maybe it'll keep you warm.

  • But, I'm saying you're clearly bigger than an Italian man.

  • You just body shamed me.

  • You would've thought that your body is perfect?

  • Not perfect.

  • I'm not here to insult you.

  • Well, you're doing a pretty good job.

  • I haven't insulted you at all, okay?

  • You look at yourself naked?

  • I look at myself naked every night,

  • it's the only way I can actually become erect.

  • Look, I'm cold, you're comfortable.

  • You understand? It's not a bad thing!

  • You're better than I am.

  • Because, I'm lean and I had a big problem with the coldness.

  • Yeah, but I'm okay because I'm covered in a

  • down jacket of fat.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Are you aware of all your facial widths over the years?

  • 2002, you were gross.

  • If I look at a show from 2002, it's almost like,

  • it looks like you were digitally manipulated.

  • Like you were a skinny guy playing a fat in the movie.

  • (audience explodes with laughter)

  • You look great now, I'm just saying in 2002,

  • you were disgusting, just look at the tapes.

  • Ah, perfecto.

  • (audience laughs and protest)

  • Mucho bella!

  • One of the reasons we came to Italy,

  • is you said there was a dessert named after you.

  • I look at this menu, no dessert named after you!

  • What's the dessert's name?

  • The Dolci di Jordan.

  • But I don't see it here on the menu. Little confused.

  • Special in summer.

  • Special in summer?

  • Yes.

  • Can this be the Conan salt?

  • This is the salt of Conan, sale di Conan.

  • She doesn't even know that you are Conan,

  • she does not know who you are, you understand that?

  • No, she doesn't know who you are.

  • (both continue to bicker aimlessly)

  • (audience laughter)

So Jordan, I know Cortona is your favorite town in Italy.

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    Colton に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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