talked about before which is porn, which I pronounce as 'pron' in my head because

I only think in internet speak.

Anonymous wanted to know, 'I'm in a committed relationship with a great guy but I feel so

incredibly uncomfortable every time I start thinking about the fact that he watches porn

- even though I watch it too sometimes! I rarely hear about this subject because porn

seems to be classified as something we “should be” ok with. I can't be alone in feeling

like this can I?' I wanted to talk about your question because yes there are a lot

of layers to it but the first thing that jumped out to me was your concern that you shouldn't

even be asking the question because hey, we're like trademark cool girls right, we don't

mind if guys watch porn. Alleviate yourself of this first layer of insecurity that somehow

there's something wrong with you for not being like down enough. You are absolutely

not alone because one study I found analyzing all of the media discourse of the past few

years around pornography and research on pornography's impact on relationships finds that 25% of

all of those media conversations about this focus on how oh it's bad for women's self-esteem.

The other line that jumped out to me in your letter anonymous is, 'I can't help but to

think about the fact that he gets aroused by another person WHO IS in fact a real person,

even though it's just through a computer screen.' Here's the thing that it might be helpful

to remember and that is when your boyfriend is looking at human people who are not on

computer screens he's going to get aroused. There's nothing wrong with that, that's

the thing. And I think you know that but just to reiterate there's nothing wrong with

seeing something and your body responding physiologically in a way that says, 'Ummm

yeah I wouldn't mind seeing that with fewer coverings on it's body.' What I'm hearing

underneath all of this is some insecurity being provoked by whatever reason by your

boyfriend's pornography consumption. The hardest thing about answering a question about

what to do about is that you can probably correlate pornography to any positive or negative

behavior you want to because the research is a lot of times very self-selecting. The

qualitative studies are going to be based on people in couples' therapy who, chicken

vs the egg, they're already walking in with relationship dissatisfaction. You've also

got studies saying that couples especially who consume pornography together are healthier.

There's stuff all in between those two points. But in reading up in your question I did zero

in on one thing: Attachment style. Relationship attachment style, whether you are securely

attached, anxiously attached or avoidantly attached can say a lot about these kinds of

insecurities that naturally come up in our relationships. It sounds like based on the

tone of your email that you are pretty securely attached, you understand in your head at least

that these kinds of habits are totally normal. Before you worry too much more about your

boyfriend's habits as I often advise on Ask Cristen take a little TO and consider

what it is about the fact that a woman on a computer screen turns him on that makes

you nervous. Compared to an attractive woman say in his classroom or office or like his

friend that he goes to get beer with every Thursday, that's like the least real threat

to the livelihood of your relationship possible. I would wonder if there is something, something

deeper that that insecurity is related to. We can't forget the important role of vulnerability

in consensual, trusting and supported relationships. And I think it's important for us to allow

ourselves to be vulnerable. Anonymous I wonder where that vulnerable space is too with your

boyfriend. If you feel like you shouldn't even be asking this question, even acknowledging

an insecurity, I wonder if maybe there's a little bit behind a wall or a shield or

a cool girl persona that really just wants to speak up, really wants someone to acknowledge

her. It's okay to acknowledge her. This question is about porn but it's also about

so much more. I think these are important conversations that we should be able to have

in safe spaces and hopefully the comments below are a safe space because I really do

want to hear from you and I really think that we could start an important conversation umm

that maybe I will continue for the next couple weeks depending on what comes out of it. So

anonymous I hope that helped and dear viewers I want to know what your advice for anonymous

would be and if you have any questions as well in the comments below.