字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント TV ANNOUNCER: In merger news, an alliance has been announced between the world's worst oil exploration company and the world's largest funeral company. We spoke to the CEO of Dryhole Industries about the synergy. Well, as you know, the biggest expenses in the funeral business involve buying the land and digging the holes. Well, it occurred to me that our company owns land that already has holes in it. That's how I plan to bury you, unless you have an objection. As a matter of fact, I do have an objection. Not now. You have to object after you're dead. How can I object to anything after I'm dead? I recommend that you come back as a ghost and haunt the house for eternity. That'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation. If I haunted this house, you'd turn it into a tourist attraction and sell tickets. I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money. Oh, like it's so hard to haunt. The investment banking firm who arranged the merger received a fee of one billion dollars for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings. Did you say the investment banking firm that arranged the merger received a fee of one billion dollars? She can't hear you. Yes, that's exactly what I said. Wait a minute. Are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV? In other news, Tom Kenny, leader of the '60s psychedelic band, "Ubiquitous Banana," was found today exactly where he said he would be. I think I just found my new career. [EXPLOSION] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] BOSS: For reasons that I no longer try to fathom, customers keep buying our products. Thank goodness for the inefficient distribution of consumer information. Now we're stuck with $20 billion in cash and no strategy for using it. Does anyone have any ideas? How about giving raises to the people who worked so hard to create all that cash? That would unfairly discriminate against those of us who didn't work hard. If we start rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system will break down. Oh, that same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote. Are you comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement? There are many similarities. Name one. Women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote. In both cases, there's taxation without representation. That is the dumbest argument I have ever heard in my life. Bigot. People, does anyone have any idea how to invest the $20 billion? I do! How about a product that keeps your fillings from vibrating out when you talk?! Maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea. Consultants don't come up with ideas. They take the ideas you already have and make them more confusing. Then they give you a huge bill. A huge bill would solve our excess money problem. Excess money isn't a problem. That money is causing us to be in this meeting. What do you call that? Uh-oh. Wally's starting to make sense. We need to get rid of that money fast. Why don't we merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are? They could spend our money for us. A merger. Hmm, that might get us some synergy. [SCREAMING] I didn't realize that Alice suffers from cobiotaphobia. I know what that is! No, I don't! It is the fear of synergy. Well, she'd better get over it. We ran it up the flagpole and the ship sailed. That's a mixed metaphor. Yeah, so, what's so bad about that? Actually, I don't know. Ah, he who laughs last, makes waste. Well, I'm not afraid of synergy. I just think a merger's a bad idea. Do you have a better idea? Of course. Plow the surplus funds into R&D. All right, then. The merger it is. My company needs help finding a merger partner. I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do, because I asked at the Mailboxes-R-Us place, and they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot. You came to the right place. My fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company. What's your company worth? Well, we've got $20 billion in cash, and no liabilities, unless you count the employees, who we call our most valuable assets. $20 billion in cash plus the employees. That comes out to about $15 billion net. So your fee would be 10% of $15 billion, which is-- one second-- carry the three, square root of pi-- $14 billion. Exactly. Can we start right away? I'm anxious to get some synergy. I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of a merger. I won't go through synergy again. As usual, Alice, you are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. I plan to implement "Project Mosquito" immediately. What is "Project Mosquito"? That is where Wally takes advantage of the management chaos and sucks the stockholders dry, much like a giant mosquito. That's sounds exactly like "Project Leech", the one you've been doing for the past five years. I can see how that would be confusing. The key to a successful merger is synergy. [SCREAMS] Let's first discuss what makes this company special, then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner. We're poorly managed. Our boss ignores everything we say. Management is completely deaf to the needs of the employees. I've got a parking space right next to the door. It looks like a sidewalk, but it's not. Now, let's think what kind of companies would make the best merger partner with a company full of losers. Perhaps a drug company who needs to test new products on human subjects. We would be ideal, because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to us. Good. Anything else? We could merge with a company that runs women's prisons. I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle if they'll do my laundry. Prison bimbos. We could merge with a company that makes chickens. We sit around all day anyway. Might as well be sitting on eggs. How about an alternative fuel company? People produce a certain amount of methane gas every day, just like every other mammal. We could be fueling cars with that resource. How exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day long? I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first, but we'd get used to it. This might be harder than I thought. Well, if it isn't Mordac, the preventer of information services and his little buddy, Walter the budget man. Wally. You seem unusually upbeat. Maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger. Merger? But that would mean... Yes, it's gloating time for engineers. And when the synergy gets you, I will laugh the laugh of the, uh, the, uh... well, whatever it is that laughs a lot at other's misery without a tinge of guilt. Maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade. I don't need my computer anymore. I'm goofing off until the merger, then after the "synergy" gets you, I'll take both of your computers for my own. I will cut your budget so fast your head will spin. You're powerless. No one will listen to your budget recommendations now. Managers are all paralyzed by the merger rumors. Synergy! [SCREAMS] This might be the best year of my life. It's time to take a page from female dating techniques, also known as "the old bait and switch". Where are we going? There's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out. It's a real meet market for mergers. I like meat. Did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat? Oh, yeah. And YOU CAN MAKE PUDDING FROM THE HOOVES. Tonight, it's best if you don't do much talking. CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so... Strong-willed? Yeah, that's it. Tell me again what I'm supposed to do? You're supposed to act like you work for a competent company long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you. What's Dilbert going to do? I'm wondering that myself. Dilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you. You'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs if they think someone else wants you. I suddenly feel mildly nauseated. Is it my cologne? [music] I haven't seen you here before. Take me, dear God, merge with me now! Uh, I just remembered I have to merge with someone else tonight. I have to go now. Nice going. Thanks. Was I charming enough? You sounded needy. Try revealing a little less. Remember, bait, then switch. I panicked. I felt my financial clock ticking. Hey there. What's your ticker symbol? It's... Ow! Bait, then switch. Right. I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is. Can't we just be strategic partners? Well, aren't you the mysterious one? I'll bet you're an Internet company, aren't you? Maybe, maybe not. You little corporate tease. [GROWLS] I want to merge with you. Right here, right now. I never swap stock on the first meeting. How about your friend? Huh?! He looks like he might be into a little M&A. I don't know what that means, but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd never merged before, and you were the last company on earth. Who needs to merge with you? I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares.