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  • TV ANNOUNCER: In merger news, an alliance has been announced

  • between the world's worst oil exploration company

  • and the world's largest funeral company.

  • We spoke to the CEO of Dryhole Industries

  • about the synergy.

  • Well, as you know,

  • the biggest expenses in the funeral business

  • involve buying the land and digging the holes.

  • Well, it occurred to me

  • that our company owns land that already has holes in it.

  • That's how I plan to bury you,

  • unless you have an objection.

  • As a matter of fact, I do have an objection.

  • Not now.

  • You have to object after you're dead.

  • How can I object to anything after I'm dead?

  • I recommend that you come back as a ghost

  • and haunt the house for eternity.

  • That'll be your signal

  • that you're unhappy about the situation.

  • If I haunted this house,

  • you'd turn it into a tourist attraction

  • and sell tickets.

  • I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money.

  • Oh, like it's so hard to haunt.

  • The investment banking firm

  • who arranged the merger

  • received a fee of one billion dollars

  • for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings.

  • Did you say the investment banking firm

  • that arranged the merger

  • received a fee of one billion dollars?

  • She can't hear you.

  • Yes, that's exactly what I said.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Are you saying you can hear

  • what I say through the TV?

  • In other news, Tom Kenny,

  • leader of the '60s psychedelic band,

  • "Ubiquitous Banana,"

  • was found today exactly where he said he would be.

  • I think I just found my new career.

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • BOSS: For reasons that I no longer try to fathom,

  • customers keep buying our products.

  • Thank goodness for the inefficient distribution

  • of consumer information.

  • Now we're stuck with $20 billion in cash

  • and no strategy for using it.

  • Does anyone have any ideas?

  • How about giving raises to the people

  • who worked so hard to create all that cash?

  • That would unfairly discriminate against those of us

  • who didn't work hard.

  • If we start rewarding lazy people like you,

  • the whole system will break down.

  • Oh, that same argument was used years ago

  • to deny women the right to vote.

  • Are you comparing your laziness

  • to the woman's suffrage movement?

  • There are many similarities.

  • Name one.

  • Women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote.

  • In both cases, there's taxation without representation.

  • That is the dumbest argument I have ever heard in my life.

  • Bigot.

  • People, does anyone have any idea

  • how to invest the $20 billion?

  • I do!

  • How about a product that keeps your fillings

  • from vibrating out when you talk?!

  • Maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea.

  • Consultants don't come up with ideas.

  • They take the ideas you already have

  • and make them more confusing.

  • Then they give you a huge bill.

  • A huge bill would solve our excess money problem.

  • Excess money isn't a problem.

  • That money is causing us to be in this meeting.

  • What do you call that?

  • Uh-oh.

  • Wally's starting to make sense.

  • We need to get rid of that money fast.

  • Why don't we merge with a company

  • that is less dysfunctional than we are?

  • They could spend our money for us.

  • A merger.

  • Hmm, that might get us some synergy.

  • [SCREAMING]

  • I didn't realize that Alice suffers from cobiotaphobia.

  • I know what that is!

  • No, I don't!

  • It is the fear of synergy.

  • Well, she'd better get over it.

  • We ran it up the flagpole and the ship sailed.

  • That's a mixed metaphor.

  • Yeah, so, what's so bad about that?

  • Actually, I don't know.

  • Ah, he who laughs last, makes waste.

  • Well, I'm not afraid of synergy.

  • I just think a merger's a bad idea.

  • Do you have a better idea?

  • Of course.

  • Plow the surplus funds into R&D.

  • All right, then.

  • The merger it is.

  • My company needs help finding a merger partner.

  • I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do,

  • because I asked at the Mailboxes-R-Us place,

  • and they just stared at me

  • like I was some kind of an idiot.

  • You came to the right place.

  • My fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company.

  • What's your company worth?

  • Well, we've got $20 billion in cash, and no liabilities,

  • unless you count the employees,

  • who we call our most valuable assets.

  • $20 billion in cash plus the employees.

  • That comes out to about $15 billion net.

  • So your fee would be 10% of $15 billion,

  • which is-- one second--

  • carry the three, square root of pi--

  • $14 billion.

  • Exactly.

  • Can we start right away?

  • I'm anxious to get some synergy.

  • I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of a merger.

  • I won't go through synergy again.

  • As usual, Alice, you are missing out

  • on the opportunity of a lifetime.

  • I plan to implement "Project Mosquito" immediately.

  • What is "Project Mosquito"?

  • That is where Wally takes advantage

  • of the management chaos

  • and sucks the stockholders dry,

  • much like a giant mosquito.

  • That's sounds exactly like "Project Leech",

  • the one you've been doing for the past five years.

  • I can see how that would be confusing.

  • The key to a successful merger is synergy.

  • [SCREAMS]

  • Let's first discuss what makes this company special,

  • then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner.

  • We're poorly managed.

  • Our boss ignores everything we say.

  • Management is completely deaf to the needs of the employees.

  • I've got a parking space right next to the door.

  • It looks like a sidewalk, but it's not.

  • Now, let's think what kind of companies

  • would make the best merger partner

  • with a company full of losers.

  • Perhaps a drug company

  • who needs to test new products on human subjects.

  • We would be ideal,

  • because the scientists

  • would not become emotionally attached to us.

  • Good. Anything else?

  • We could merge with a company that runs women's prisons.

  • I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle

  • if they'll do my laundry.

  • Prison bimbos.

  • We could merge with a company that makes chickens.

  • We sit around all day anyway.

  • Might as well be sitting on eggs.

  • How about an alternative fuel company?

  • People produce a certain amount of methane gas every day,

  • just like every other mammal.

  • We could be fueling cars with that resource.

  • How exactly would we be collecting

  • this methane gas all day long?

  • I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first,

  • but we'd get used to it.

  • This might be harder than I thought.

  • Well, if it isn't Mordac,

  • the preventer of information services

  • and his little buddy, Walter the budget man.

  • Wally.

  • You seem unusually upbeat.

  • Maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger.

  • Merger?

  • But that would mean...

  • Yes, it's gloating time for engineers.

  • And when the synergy gets you,

  • I will laugh the laugh of the, uh, the, uh...

  • well, whatever it is

  • that laughs a lot at other's misery

  • without a tinge of guilt.

  • Maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade.

  • I don't need my computer anymore.

  • I'm goofing off until the merger,

  • then after the "synergy" gets you,

  • I'll take both of your computers for my own.

  • I will cut your budget so fast your head will spin.

  • You're powerless.

  • No one will listen to your budget recommendations now.

  • Managers are all paralyzed by the merger rumors.

  • Synergy!

  • [SCREAMS]

  • This might be the best year of my life.

  • It's time to take a page from female dating techniques,

  • also known as "the old bait and switch".

  • Where are we going?

  • There's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out.

  • It's a real meet market for mergers.

  • I like meat.

  • Did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat?

  • Oh, yeah.

  • And YOU CAN MAKE PUDDING FROM THE HOOVES.

  • Tonight, it's best if you don't do much talking.

  • CEOs like to do business

  • with people who aren't quite so...

  • Strong-willed?

  • Yeah, that's it.

  • Tell me again what I'm supposed to do?

  • You're supposed to act

  • like you work for a competent company

  • long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you.

  • What's Dilbert going to do?

  • I'm wondering that myself.

  • Dilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you.

  • You'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs

  • if they think someone else wants you.

  • I suddenly feel mildly nauseated.

  • Is it my cologne?

  • [music]

  • I haven't seen you here before.

  • Take me, dear God, merge with me now!

  • Uh, I just remembered

  • I have to merge with someone else tonight.

  • I have to go now.

  • Nice going.

  • Thanks.

  • Was I charming enough?

  • You sounded needy.

  • Try revealing a little less.

  • Remember, bait, then switch.

  • I panicked.

  • I felt my financial clock ticking.

  • Hey there.

  • What's your ticker symbol?

  • It's...

  • Ow!

  • Bait, then switch.

  • Right.

  • I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is.

  • Can't we just be strategic partners?

  • Well, aren't you the mysterious one?

  • I'll bet you're an Internet company, aren't you?

  • Maybe, maybe not.

  • You little corporate tease.

  • [GROWLS]

  • I want to merge with you.

  • Right here, right now.

  • I never swap stock on the first meeting.

  • How about your friend?

  • Huh?!

  • He looks like he might be into a little M&A.

  • I don't know what that means,

  • but I wouldn't merge with you

  • if I'd never merged before,

  • and you were the last company on earth.

  • Who needs to merge with you?

  • I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares.