Who thought of it anyway?

You did.

[BOSS CHUCKLES WITH FALSE MODESTY]

Do you mind if I shave in the car?

I guess that would be okay.

What are you doing?

I like to start on my back.

I hope you realize I have to sell my car now.

You mind if I brush my teeth?

I don't see how...

How do you expect to rinse your mouth out?

[CLOSED MOUTHED]: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Hmm.

Tomorrow, you drive...

preferably without me.

What?

[SPITTING]

What was that sound?

I think you hit a squirrel.

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

I love carpooling.

By the way, I dropped my floss

in the crack of your seat.

I'd like it back.

You can have the whole car.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

I left my ID in the car, but you know me.

I do?

We've seen each other every day

for the past five years.

Then you must know my name.

Well, uh...

It's Gary.

Of course, Gary. I knew that.

It's not Gary.

Then why did you tell me it was?

Testing your character.

Guess you failed.

Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.

There's always enough time to be secure.

That's my motto.

That's not your motto.

It is now.

I liked it as soon as I heard it.

How about letting me slide this time?

That would be a violation

of the security guard's professional code of ethics.

Professional code of ethics?

Is that a joke?

All you do is sit there and watch people walk past.

That's hardly a profession.

Well, Mr. Big Shot Engineer

thinks he's king of the world

with his degree and his briefcase

and his fancy cubicle.

It must be so hard

to sit there in meetings all day.

At least it's a profession with very strict requirements.

Your job could be done by a...

a... uh...

Help me out here.

There's always enough time to be secure.

An ostrich.

That's what your job could be done by.

Oh, good one.

An ostrich could do my job.

Very clever.

I'm sure you use that cleverness

in your challenging job as an engineer.

You bet I do!

And lots more.

I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to.

but you could never, ever DO my job.

That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Engineering takes years of training.

I've been doing some reading on the topic.

For example, did you know

you can build your own helicopter for $25?

You can't build a helicopter for $25.

That just gets you the instructions.

What if you already have the parts?

Good point there.

Who has helicopter parts in their house?

You can't be an engineer just by reading magazines.

If you're so cocky, how about a little wager?

We'll switch jobs for one day.

Whoever can do the other person's job wins.

I'd do it, except there's no way

you could ever get hired as an engineer.

When can you start?

What are you doing?

He's never been an engineer before.

Oh, how hard could it be?

I'm always correcting your WORK,

and I've never been to engineering school.

You always correct my work from being right to being wrong.

Well, uh...

There's always enough time to be secure.

Okay, you're on.

And what are we wagering, if you're so cocky?

It doesn't matter, since I'm going to win.

How about your house?

Sure, why not?

If I lose, you can have my house.

If you lose, I can have your house.

I don't have a house.

How about your speedboat?

Uh, no.

Polo ponies?

Let me think... no.

My God, man,

what have you been wasting your money on?

Food.

Well, maybe you should cut back on the calories.

That's how I got my summer home.

How about your car?

It's borrowed, but...

Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.

Deal.

But you still need your I.D. to get in the building.

I'll be right back.

It's in the glove compartment.

Look at the time.

Gotta go!

Do you want to get in on the sports pool?

What teams are playing?

Doesn't matter.

The winners are chosen by matching the scores

to your randomly-selected positions on the grid.

If it's random, why does it matter what the scores are?

Why not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat?

So, you prefer to play the hat.

I can make that happen.

For $1.00, you can draw from the hat.

And there are no random sports teams involved?

Right-- just the way you like it.

$1.00.

It's a four.

That's a loser. Thanks for playing.

What's the winning number?

Not four. That's all you need to know.

Did I hear some gambling going on here?

I want in.

There's the sports pool,

the dead pool, the awards pool,

and the Dilbert pool.

People are betting ON ME?

Well, most are betting against you.

You know, if you bet against yourself,

you'll be covered both ways.

I'm not betting.

What are the odds?

Five-to-one against.

I'll take the Dilbert pool.

The hat's a sucker's game.

DILBERT: How much training do you think I need

to be a security guard for one day?

Mm, six months.

Maybe a year.

A year?

All they do is stand there and say, "Have a nice day."

It looks pretty easy.

It looks EASY BECAUSE THEY'RE SO GOOD at it.

If you try to do that job without the proper training,

you're dead meat.

"Dead meat" is redundant.

Once something gets classified as meat,

it hardly ever recovers.

I've got a pork chop in the fridge

that I'm optimistic about.

He's a fighter.

Do you have TO ARGUE

with every SINGLE THING I SAY?

Mm, I don't have TO. IT'S MY HOBBY.

I can quit any time I want.

I need to find a one-day training course

on how to be a security guard.

Here we go--

"Learn the art of office security

in one easy class."

Taught by Security Guard Grand Master Chu Nee.

Mm. That sounds good.

The course includes sitting in a chair,

pointing toward the elevator,

shooing smokers away from the lobby entrance,

and killing an intruder with your thumb.

Does it have to be an intruder?

Because that could come in handy.

That is absolutely the last time we carpool together.

Was it my singing?

Because I don't have to do German OPERA.

I make up the words,

so it can be any language you like.

Well, if it isn't my old nemesis

the security guard.

Don't make me use the thumb.

Just show me the badge and no one gets hurt.

Okay, okay.

There's still time to get in the sports pool.

Only $1.00 per square.

Do you take credit cards?

Yes, I do, Loud Howard.

I've upgraded my operation.

This is a good investment because I get airline miles!

Here is my brand-new credit card.

It has a $10 limit.

Asok's in for 10.

No, only five.

I charged some items

at the drugstore earlier today.

Never mind what.

Why would we care what you bought at the drugstore?

Nice try, but my exciting life

is none of your business.

My lips are sealed.

What else you have to bet on?

I got the fever now.

I could deal some poker until the boss gets here.

Deal 'em!

Sorry I'm late,

but someone didn't let me clean my ears

in the car this morning

so my schedule's been off all day.

You asked to use my pen.

Anyway, anyway, the reason we're here

is to select someone from the group

to organize a career day for young girls

who might want to be engineers some day.

These girls need a role model.

Someone who is feminine, yet skilled at technology.

How about Asok?

He's not technically a woman,

but he doesn't have much upper body strength, either.

One time I ASK FOR HELP CARRYING A COMPUTER MONITOR!

One time!

Calm down, Asok.

I was thinking more along the lines

of a real WOMAN.

[BELCHES]

I got a pair of fours.

If anyone beats that,

I'll rip off his head and spit down his neck.

What?

MASTER CHU NEE: You say you want to be security guards...

but do you have the stamina,

the courage, the guts for the job?

Now...

close your eyes and imagine

you have just been asked for directions to the elevator.

With your left hand, point.

In your final lesson,

you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb.

[GASPING]

I need a volunteer.

You do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb.

Oh.

So...

the student becomes the teacher.

Not really. I just thought that needed to be clarified.

Maybe you WOULD LIKE TO SEE HOW THE THUMB CAN KILL A MAN.

I have to admit I'd like to see it.

I'm having some trouble

believing you can kill someone with a thumb.

You dare to mock me?

I have attained three navy blue belts in office security.

I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb...

Silence!

Or you will have to deal with me.

[GASPING]

Uh...

anybody want to get coffee?

As you know, we need to build

a high-speed communications link