Watchin' somethin' stupid on TV

I'm zoned out on the sofa

When my wife comes in the room and sees me

And she says, “Is this 'Behind the Music'

With Lynyrd Skynyrd?"

And I say, "I don't know, say, it's gettin' late

What cha wanna do for dinner?”

She says, "I kinda had a big lunch

So I'm not super hungry"

I said, "Well you know, baby

I'm not starvin' either but I could eat"

She said, "So what do you have in mind?"

I said, "I don't know, what about you?"

She says, "I don't care, if you're hungry let's eat"

I said, "That's what we're gonna do!"

"But first you gotta tell me

What it is you're hungry for!"

And she says, "Let me think

What's left in our refrigerator?"

I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know"

She said, "That went bad a week ago!"

I said, "Is the chili okay?"

She said, "You finished that yesterday!"

I hopped up and I said, "I don't know

Do you want to get something delivered?"

She's like, "Why would I want to eat liver?

I don't even like liver!"

I'm like, "No, I said 'delivered' "

She's like, "I heard you say liver!"

I'm like, "I should know what I said"

She's like, "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"

Well, I was gonna say something

But my cell phone started to ring

Now who could be callin' me?

Well I checked my caller ID

It was just cousin Larry callin'

For the third time today

My wife said, "Let it go to voicemail"

I said, "Okay"

"Where were we? Oh, dinner, right

So what do you wanna do?"

She said, "Why don't you whip up somethin' in the kitchen?"

"Yeah?" I said, "Why don't you?"

And then she says

"Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"

I says no, she says yes, I says no, she says yes

I says no, she says yes, oh, here's your keys"

I step a little bit closer

Say, "Okay, where ya wanna go?"

She says, "How about The Ivy?"

I said, "Yeah, well I don't know"

“I don't feel like, gettin' all dressed up

And eatin' expensive food”

She's says, "Olive Garden?"

I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood

“And Burrito King would make me gassy

There's no doubt"

She says, "Just forget about it"

I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"

Then I get an idea

I say, "I know what we'll do!"

She says, "What?" I say, "Guess"

She says, "What?" I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"

So we head out the front door

Open the garage door

Then I open the car doors

And we get in those car doors

Put my key in the ignition

And then I turn it sideways

Then we fasten our seat belts

As we pull out the driveway

Then we drive to the drive-thru

Heading off to the drive-thru

We're approaching the drive-thru

Getting close to the drive-thru

Almost there at the drive-thru

Now we're here at the drive thru

Here in line at the drive-thru

Did I mention the drive-thru?

Well, here we are in the drive-thru line

Me and her

Cars in front of us, cars in back of us

All just waiting to order

There's some idiot in a Volvo

With his brights on behind me

I lean out the window and scream

"Hey, what cha tryin' to do, blind me?"

My wife says, "Maybe we should park

We could just go eat inside"

I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers

So I ain't leavin' this ride"

Now a woman on a speaker box

Is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"

I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can

We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese"

Then my wife says

"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!

I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich

Instead this time"

I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"

She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for"

I put my head in my hands and scream

"I don't know who you are anymore!"

The voice on the speaker says

"I don't have all day!"

I said, "Then take our order

And we'll be on our way!

"I wanna get a chicken sandwich

And I want a cheeseburger too"

She's like, "You want onions on that?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do”

“Plus we need curly fries

And don't you dare forget it

And two medium root beers

No, just one, we'll split it"

Then I said, "I'm guessin' that

You're probably not too bright

So read me back my order

Let's make sure you got it right"

She says, "One, you want a chicken sandwich

Two, you want a cheeseburger

Three, curly fries and a large root beer"

"Stop, don't go no further!"

"I never ordered a large root beer

I said medium, not large!"

Then she says, "We're havin' a special

I super-sized you at no charge"

"Oh"

And that's all I could say was "oh"

And she says, "Now there's somethin' else

That I really think you should know”

“You can have unlimited refills

For just a quarter more"

I say, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru

So what would I want that for?"

Then she says, "Wait a minute

Your voice sounds so familiar, hey, is this Paul?

And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul

Now tell me, who's this Paul?”

She says, "Oh, he's just some guy

Who goes to school with me

I sat behind him last year

And I copied off of him in Geometry”

I said, "I know a guy named Paul

He used to be my plumber

He was prematurely bald

And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer”

“He also had bladder problems

And a really bad infection on his toe"

And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there

That's way more than I needed to know!"

And then we both were quiet

And things got real intense

And then she says, "Next window please

That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents"

So we inched ahead in line

Movin' painfully slow

I got a little bored

So I turned on the radio

Click, turned it off

Because my wife was getting a headache

So we both just sat there quietly

For her sake

Then I looked at her

And she looked back at me

And I said, "Um

I think you have somethin' in your teeth"

She turned away from me

And then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"

I said, "Yeah, well, I mean, most of it

But hey, ya know, don't sweat it"

Then she said, "How about now?"

I said, "Yeah, almost

There's still a little bit there but don't worry

It's probably just a piece of toast"

Now we're at the pay window

Or whatever you call it

Put my hand in my pocket

I can't believe there's no wallet!

And the lady at the window's like

"Well well well, that'll be five eighty-two"

I turn around to my wife and say

"How much have you got on you?"

She just rolls her eyes and says

"I'll pay for this I guess"

So she reaches into her purse

And busts out the American Express

I hand it to the lady

And she says, "Oh dear

It's gotta be cash only

We don't take credit cards here"

I took back the card and said

"Gee, really? Well that sucks!"

And that's when I found out

My wife was only carryin' three bucks

I said, "I thought you were

Going to hit the ATM today"

She says, "I never got around to it

So where's your wallet anyway?”

And I said, "Nevermind

Just help me to find some change"

Now the lady at the window

Is looking at me kinda strange

And she says, "Mister, please

We gotta move this line along"

I said, "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady

We won't be long"

So I looked around inside the glove box

And checked the mat beneath my feet

I found a nickel in an ashtray

And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats

Before long I had a little pile

Of coins of every sort

The lady counts it up and says

"You're still about a dollar short"

And now my woman's got this weird look

Frozen on her face

She screams, "You know

I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"

And so I turned around

To the cashier again

I shrugged and said, "Okay

Forget the chicken sandwich then"

So I pick up my change

Pick up my receipt

And I drive to the pickup window

Man, I just can't wait to eat

And now we see this acne ridden

Kid about sixteen

Wearin' a dorky nametag that says

"Hello, my name is Eugene"

And he hands me a paper bag

I look him in the eyes

And I say to him "Hey, Eugene

Could I get some ketchup for my fries?"

Well he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks at me

And I look at him

And he looks at me

And I look at him

And he says, "I'm sorry

What did you want again?"

I say, "Ketchup!"

And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right

I just spaced out there for a second

I'm really kind of burnt tonight"

And then he hands me the ketchup

And then we're finally drivin' away

And the food is drivin' me mad

With its intoxicating bouquet

I'm starvin' to death

By the time we pull up at the traffic light

I say, "Baby, gimme that burger

I just gotta have a bite!"

So she reaches in the bag

And pulls out the burger

And she hands me the burger

And I pick up the burger

And then I unwrap the paper

I bite into those buns

And I just can't believe it

They forgot the onions!