Resistance is futile.

Wake up and assimilate the day.

Get out of bed.

Resistance is futile.

Wake up and assimilate the day.

I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.

That too is futile.

Okay, that's enough out of you.

Do not touch me.

Then how do I turn you off?

Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.

Clock tease.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa!

Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman?

I'm just seeing how much he can carry.

He's up to seven times his own weight.

Neither rain nor sleet nor...

Oh, the hell with that... help!

I'd put an end to this cruel game

except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[CHANTING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

What makes these gift catalogs?

Doesn't anything qualify as a gift

if you give it to someone?

I think they mean it's stuff you wouldn't

in a million years buy for yourself.

If you wouldn't buy it for yourself,

then who needs someone to buy it for you?

It's the thought that counts.

On that same topic, it's your mother's birthday next week.

Oh, no, not again.

So soon?

It seems like only a year ago

I was giving her something she hates.

Help! I can't swim!

You're not going to drown.

You're just covered with catalogs.

Then, uh, help! I can't read!

Why don't you get your mom something from the mall?

No!

Oh, yes, I forgot.

The unspeakable event from your youth.

Don't you think it's time you got over that?

I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom

without leaving this couch.

Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems,

as black and sooty as real moon rocks.

Plus, they're guaranteed for three months.

Moonconium?

But first,

the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment,

straight from the tattered remains

of the cash-desperate former K.G.B.

Hand me the phone.

My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday.

It's not for HER; IT'S TO USE ON her.

We'll find out exactly what she wants.

It's wrong.

But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment.

This is insane.

Wait, target in motion.

She's headed for the den.

MOTHER: Yes, officer, there's two of them.

A big one and a small one.

I don't know what they're doing,

but they've been out there for hours.

I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house.

[OFFICER SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

I suppose they could be terrorists

now that you mention it.

Or maybe our own people.

I've written some strong letters to the fed

about monetary policy.

All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence.

Stop and we'll shoot!

Stop and WE'LL SHOOT?

If you're going to shoot why should we stop?

Well, it would be a lot easier for us.

The targets at the shooting range don't run.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That if I get a head start running,

your body will shield me from the spray of bullets?

Hold your fire. They're running.

Asok, could you clean that up?

Uh! I am an engineering intern, not a coffee cleaner-upper.

Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill?

Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity.

Sure. No problem.

I don't mind.

See? She doesn't have a...

There you go.

Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate?

No, I got her cash last year.

She said it was insulting.

A gift certificate is completely different from cash.

No, it's not.

They're both pieces of paper you can exchange

for goods and services.

You're missing the point.

Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash,

because you can only use it in one place.

And it expires.

At least it shows some thought.

It shows defective thought.

You're trading perfectly good money

for something that does the same thing,

only not as well.

Oh, one other thing, Dilbert.

Shut up.

Why do you not go to the mall of shopping?

Yeah, Dilbert, why don't you just get her something

at the mall?

Dilbert, you okay?

[PANTS]

I'm totally fine.

What are you accusing me of?

Everyone's afraid of something.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, back to work.

You know, if we try to get to the bottom of this,

it could kill the whole morning.

And yet it would look exactly like work

to the casual observer.

I'm in.

Come on, Dilbert, it's me, your old pal.

What's the point of an office friendship

if you don't expose each other's weaknesses

and then ridicule them?

He's right, Dilbert.

All most of us have to get us through the day

is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else.

Fine. Fine!

I'll tell you why I'm... uncomfortable going to the mall.

It all happened when I was five years old.

My father took me to the mall for the first time.

Daddy, I think those machines are calling me.

Ooh... ooh! Ooh.

When we get home I'll see if there's

some sort of prescription drug to dull your spirit,

but right now we need to buy your mother a birthday gift.

DADBERT: All you can eat.

All you can eat.

We'll see about that.

Oh... ooh... oh...

Daddy?

Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

What's the matter, little boy?

Are you lost?

Where are your parents?

Did they leave you all alone?

No, no my father's over...

Where? What does he look like?

He-he looks big and, uh, he's got a hat, he's... Daddy?

Daddy?

Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?

[PANTS]

And I never saw my father again.

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING LOUDLY]

I will take you to the mall, Dilbert.

I will help you find your father,

and I will buy some batteries while I'm there.

Wally, this is so unlike you.

Why are you offering to help me?

I'm out of batteries.

It just came in the mail.

It's the greatest breakthrough in market research since the...

Other one.

I was going to say other one.

You boys from marketing have done it again.

You're like the three...

Guys from marketing who bring us things like this.

Does it get HBO?

According to the directions

you just strap it on some sucker's head,

and it records his excitement level

when exposed to various shopping stimuli.

We need to test it out on someone who shops.

I.E. A "shopper."

Oh.

This is so sexist.

I am not the only person in this room who shops.

Where'd you get the clothes you're wearing?

I won these clothes in a contest.

I always pick up an extra suitcase

at the airport luggage carousel.

We're wearing his hand-me-downs.

Sometimes I just find stuff after I talk!

Ooh.

Oh, just give me that stupid thing.

Time to see how my stocks are doing.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone.

If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see,

press one.

I... B... M...

You have purchased tickets for GRUESOME CARNAGE

at the Bigmall Cineplex.

If this purchase is correct, press one.

I... B... M...

Thank you.

Oh, the heck with this.

This thing never works anyway.

Maybe I'll duck out and catch a flick.

Hmm, Gruesome Carnage IS AT THE BIGMALL CINEPLEX.

I'm there.

I can't believe I've finally returned

to the source of all my childhood angst.

I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons

or be destroyed by them.

[CAR ALARMS SOUNDING]

You got any gum?

Ah! Is that so you don't have to confront your fear?

This, my friend,

is the latest in virtual-reality parking technology.

If there's a parking space in here, I'll find it.

What's wrong with following someone

with a bunch of packages to their car?

Too risky.

And...

There... the perfect spot.

WALLY: Could somebody hit three, please?

Uh, let's see.

We're here.

We are?

Aren't we?

I suppose.

I could be wrong.

If we're not here, then where are we?

And if we are here

where is here?

Isn't here there?

I would think here is here.

You would.

Here's there.

There's here.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

This isn't working.

I told you we should buy the oxygen

not just the masks.

I just can't bring myself to buy oxygen.

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

Uh, this is us.

[SCREAMING]

[CHAINSAW BUZZING]

Hey, that's the J-400 model.

That's the same one I have.

That'll cut through a limb

like it's a roll of cookie dough.

Once, I was giving myself a haircut

and I darn near severed my...

Will you shut up?

Uh, Wally, I think we're about to be attacked.

Oh, don't worry about the natives.

"Natives"?

Yeah. They're the mall natives.

They're a primitive society that live in the mall.

Why do they live in the mall?

Legend has it they came

for the early morning power walks

and just stayed.

Barnes and Nobles, Payless, Bigboy.

Nordstrom Discount, Spencer Gift.

He says you look familiar.

He does?

Who do I look like?

Uh, let's see, uh...

Natural Wonders, Gap Kids, Waldenbook?

Uh, See's Candy... J.C. Penney...

J. Crew... Hot dog On A Stick...

J. Crew... Body Shop...

Limited... Limited Too...