And on top of everything else this weekend, I stubbed my toe.

Oh, bad though.

You know what that's like when you stub your toe, don't you?

Like, on a piece of metal, and I was barefoot and it bled,

and it kept bleeding, and long story short--

prosthetic leg.

Right here, that's it.

Here's what happened.

So I was hanging a piece of art in the gym,

and by art, I mean a poster of a cat saying hang in there, baby,

like this, but it was framed, so it's nice.

And so I walked into the room and the metal leg

from my exercise bench was sticking out

and I jammed my toe on it.

Blinding pain.

Blinding pai-- I didn't know if it was broken.

I couldn't feel how many toes were involved.

They were just mashed together.

This little piggy went in that direction.

This little piggy-- all the piggies went--

and it was a mess, and the toes don't deserve that.

They really don't.

I love my toes.

I need-- I wiggle them, and I use them to walk.

I use them to count to 20.

Since-- this is a daytime show, so I will not

repeat the language that I used, but let's just

say that the way that President Trump feels about Haiti,

that's how I feel about my exercise bench.

[APPLAUSE]

That's right.

I said the s-word, I said the f-word, I said the LGBTQ words.

I made up a z-word.

Like I said, when I looked down, my toe was bleeding,

so I put some ice on it.

Like, one of those big chunks of ice.

You know, the fancy ones like that you put whiskey

on because I'm rich.

That's the kind of ice I have, and then I took the ice off

and I was still bleeding and I got mad at the exercise bench.

That's what happens.

That's what you do, you blame the object.

You're like, you did that on purpose.

You've been-- you know, and you're

going to sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

I'm not going to use you for a long time.

You don't to admit that what really happened

is you tripped over something and that's

the exact same place it's been all along.

I did learn an important lesson, though.

You should never walk around barefoot,

and you should always wear a pair of my ED By Ellen shoes.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah.

You know, they're not just stylish.

They're a safety device that can help prevent serious bodily

injury.

I'm probably legally not allowed to say that, but--

but you should get a pair anyway.