DUE WEST: OUR SEX JOURNEY. Trust me, cancel your trip. DUE WEST was

adapted from a very successful internet novel about a young man's sexual

adventures both here in Hong Kong and in the Chinese city of Dongguan. Of course,

in the film, all references to Dongguan have been excised, because there are no hookers in

Dongguan. Just ask China.

Unfortunately DUE WEST takes the idea of adaptation perhaps a bit too literally.

It becomesa laborious recreation of the novel,

through the bludgeoning overuse of dialogue, and what you end up with is a

119 excruciating minutes of rarely relieved tedium.

"You mean I'm not interesting just by virtue of being me?" Listening to self-absorbed

blather that reads much better and much faster than it plays onscreen becomes a

real endurance test, and the few times your eyes are given more than your ears,

they're still getting short shrift. The cardinal sin of Category III movies is

making them boring, There's no excuse for a Category III movie being boring,

considering the palette you have to work with: violence, sex, profanity, nudity,

including pubic hair. What more do you want?

The force that drives Category III is naked (and hopefully attractive) women

The force is weak in these two. I don't watch these movies for the plot, or the acting,

or the cinematography.Sex education in China has a long way to go. I watch these

movies to see naked breasts. The laying on of hands is an age-old medical practice.

And if I'm lucky I'll get to see pubic hair. I meant in the crotch! Sadly, this was not to be.

Hope as I might, there was no pubic hair on show. Yes, I'm a grown man and I've seen my

fair share of pubic hair in real life, but you know what? Women have seen shoes before,

too, but they still get pretty f@#$in' excited when they see new ones.

There's no pubic hair on display in DUE WEST. And damned few breasts. Granted, what

they lack in numbers, they certainly make up for in size. And I realize it's hard

to get (or afford) pretty women to show off their breasts and/or 'forestry,' but I

guess I had hoped for a little higher standard, and I was denied. Ugh.

Now, Jeana Ho is pretty, don't get me wrong,

but the rest of the women in this movie were

a pack of howling

fuglies. They could scare a starving cat off a garbage truck. They look like

they fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every Godd@mn branch on the way down. They could

make a freight train take a dirt road. They made Amy Winehouse look good!

The prostitute third act was vaguely attractive, but her breasts were so comically huge

that it just made her look silly. She better marry a chiropractor, 'cos she's gon' need a backiotomy. I don't wanna

spend too much time on this review

because the sooner it's done, the sooner I can start forgetting that I watched this

travesty. I felt like the guy in this photo, and DUE WEST was the woman:

"What the hell are you doing back there?!?"

Don't ask me how I know this, but the Poison Dragon Drill is a helluva lot

more fun than watching DUE WEST: OUR SEX JOURNEY.

If you want to watch this movie, buy it.

Don't download it. Don't steal things. What kind of sh*tbag does that make you? There's a

link down below where you can actually buy the movie. That's what you're supposed

to do. If you like my reviews, please leave a note telling me that. If you

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