Which means they ran out of $. But so what? 3D gives me

a headache anyway.

And that's of no use to me.

Especially if I'm watching 90 minutes of prurient cinematic indulgence.

The film opens with a credit sequence whose voiceover exposition

is only slightly less laughable than what the exposition shows us; naked people on

boogie boards in some kind of intergalactic chase scene. But what's the story? Well, in 2046

the world experiences cataclysmic

changes

that render 99.9% of men infertile. The United Nations sends a woman named Future

back to 2011

to find a healthy male to impregnate her.

She is menaced by two assassins from the planet Xucker.

They are of course named Xucker 1 and Xucker 2.

Once that sequence ends, we're treated to a quartet of (relatively)

buxom young women running down a beach.

Another equally amusing

voiceover tells us these are all young,

diligent university students. They are studying medicine and law (with an emphasis

on women's rights) and they hope to find

the right man at university. Just regular girls,

really. With big t*ts. Jeana, the budding

feminist lawyer, is

attracted to

(but does not trust) Lawrence. Who wouldn't trust

this face? But Jeana isn't sure if

Lawrence really likes her, because

she sees Lawrence hugging Future. You see, Future has to find a suitable mate, and she finds Lawrence

97.3% healthy, so she offers him immediate reproductive

access to, well... to her. She has only three days to accomplish her mission, 'cause she's being hunted.

Remember, Xucker 1 and Xucker 2 are here as well.

They intend to rape Future, because they're radioactive and it will destroy

her reproductive system. So, let's recap these story arcs:

On the one hand,

the future of mankind. On the other, questions about the

faithfulness of a 20-year old

Hong Kong man. I'm going to give up on the synopsis at this point, because there's

really no need to be exhaustive. And nobody watches these movies for the story anyway.

Unless you're a f@#$in' idiot. I'll prove it to you:

in the movie, Jeana's friends tell her that the

only way to find out who Future is and how she feels about Lawrence is for all of them

to sleep with Lawrence's friends. Now that makes sense to me,

but I have a penis. See, here's the problem, though:

Lawrence's friends are

a really fat kid, a really skinny kid, and some guy who sweats a lot.

Meanwhile, all of Jeana's friends are hot. But hey, hot girls bang

ugly guys all the time. Right?

While we're on the subject like a bad suit,

one of the girls

actually gives her virginity to the sweaty kid, just so that Jeana can find out if Lawrence

is a worthy catch. Yeah, sure most Hong Kong girls would happily give up that

silly little piece of skin just so that their friend can have peace of mind about a guy she's crushing on.

But here's something that is worth pointing out: The fat kid ends up getting

knocked unconscious, so no p*ssy for him. Concurrently, the Hong Kong [leng mo] Monna Lam

Mona?

Who gives a sh*t? ...is otherwise occupied during

the, uh,

Fact-Finding

F*ck Fest, so she

(like all good HK actresses)

doesn't actually get naked, much less get laid. Which makes her

the cinematic equivalent of an unconscious fat kid

with a bad dye job. Congratulations. I hope you're proud of yourself. All that aside,

I really enjoyed 33D INVADER

for all the right reasons. Like nudity. Yeah, 33D INVADER is sleazy,

exploitative trash,

but it never pretends to be anything else. And if it wallows in its own inappropriateness,

it's only being comfortable at home. And that's something we all have a right to do. The film mostly

avoids the nasty sexual

excesses

that other genre films like 3D SEX & ZEN end up in. There is a rape scene,

but it's presented with so many

odd and disturbing twists that you never get even the slightest feeling that you (or the victims)

are supposed to enjoy it. You'll never look at a cactus the same way again.

Enough said.

And yes, it is nasty when a KY Jelly-vomiting

female alien who's also a hermaphrodite rapes a woman. But when that

happens on the left side of the screen

while

the right half is occupied by an amateurish and oddly grim painting of Donald Duck,

the whole thing is so twisted that there's virtually no chance of titillation. Only an odd,

creeping nausea. I liked this film a hell of a lot

more than

SEX & ZEN 3D

because it's honest about itself. 33D INVADER is what it is, and you either like it

or you don't. I liked so much that I watched it twice in the cinema.

That don't make me a bad person. What would make you a bad person is

downloading this movie. So don't do it! Buy the movie. There are links, down there near my friends

where you can buy it. Buy a DVD, buy a BluRay. Trust me, it's worth it! If you enjoyed this review, please subscribe. Leave a comment, even if you didn't like the movie.

What the hell?