and every year I like to do a recap of the year

on what happened and how I felt

but I didn't want this review to just be a montage

of my highlight reel because I've done that in the past

and I just wanted to push myself and create something new

and most importantly, something that was honest.

So here we go.

This time last year was crazy.

I was scratching milestones off,

I was getting closer with my circle

and I just got engaged to my soulmate.

Sparks were off the roof, energy was high

and I truly felt like I was on the top of the world

but as always, I felt this anxiety,

this feeling that told me that things

were too good to be true

and that I would eventually lose it all.

So I did what I do best when I feel anxious.

I kept myself as busy as I possibly could.

I put a lot of energy into my channel

and of course I focused a lot of energy on my relationships.

I'll start with my family first.

As I get older, I realize how important

my connection with my family is.

I made it a resolution to see my parents as often as I could

even if I just dropped down for dinner.

I cherish my oma and opa with all my heart

and I think I appreciate them a lot more now

because we've never had a relationship like this.

When I was younger, I didn't really see my parents that much

because they were always working

and today I feel such a strong connection with them

and I owe them everything.

Even with my big brother,

I didn't talk to him much growing up

but this year, we are also the closest we've ever been

in our entire lives.

It almost feels like I'm discovering a long lost sibling

and it's so cool getting to respark

what I thought were dead nerves.

A highlight of 2017 was when my family met Ben's family

for the first time

and this was one of the most nerve-racking moments.

I asked myself, would they get along,

what do we even talk about

but we powered through and we had the dinner

and like most things in life, it worked out.

It wasn't at all like the negative story

I painted in my head.

We laughed, we ate and it's a dinner that I'll never forget.

Throughout middle school and high school,

I always longed for that perfect group of friends,

a magical ride or die group

where you just did everything together

but I always just kind of floated around

from group to group.

I'm in my late 20s now and it trips me out

that I have finally found my circle.

I have an individual relationship

with each one of these people

and I would do anything for them.

This year, I learned what I want in a friendship

and how I can be a great friend back

by listening, reaching out, asking questions

and by always making time for them.

I feel like time is the biggest gift you can give someone.

Every time I hang out with my friends,

I feel full, I feel acknowledged, I feel safe.

I feel so lucky that we get to live

this crazy life together.

Like Christopher McCandless said,

"happiness is only real when shared."

(calm music)

Then we have Ben.

Wow.

Where do I even begin?

He is the love of my life, my soulmate, my future husband

and getting to travel and work together as a duo

has been such a gift.

His videography and photography has evolved

and it's a point where Ben now knows more

about camera equipment than I do.

It's very impressive.

This year, we moved out of our apartment

and bought a beautiful home in LA.

I guess all that saving definitely paid off

and I'm so happy to be living here with my man

and our darling Cheeki.

Ben and I made it to our three year anniversary this year

and it was a huge deal for me

because it officially marked my longest relationship ever.

My past relationships would always kinda crumble

around the two year or the two and a half year mark

and I almost felt like it was some sort

of weird curse that I had.

So it was a big deal when Ben and I passed that

and I know we're gonna last

because I'll do anything in my power to make this work.

After I got engaged, I became very introspective.

I started to reflect and I wanted to finally address things

I've been desperate to fix about myself.

We all have our inner demons and issues we need to work on

and before Ben and I tie the knot,

I wanted to focus on how I could be my best self for us.

So this year, I focused on my relationship with myself.

I started to do things that I've always wanted to do

so I got my first tattoo in New York.

I feel like the design really mirrored

what I wanted to focus on this year.

In August, I launched my clothing line, Eggie

which is freaking crazy.

This is something that I've been working on

on the down low the entire year

so when it finally launched, it felt so cathartic

and the day of my launch was so beautiful.

I was truly touched by all my loved ones that showed up

and it meant the absolute world to have their support.

Since then, I've had three drops

and each one of them had me step out of my comfort zone.

I love the fact that I get to collaborate with my friends

with each collection and I'm so blessed

to have my whole Eggie team working on this with me

but as I was piling more and more onto my plate,

the stress began to consume me.

I actually had a few meltdowns this year

where I felt shattered

and burnout to a point where I felt so much self-loathing.

This was the moment I had to take

my mental health more seriously.

One new habit I picked up was meditating.

It helps me slow down my racing thoughts,

forces me to focus on my breath and to be present.

I continue to exercise regularly

because whenever I'm in a mental funk,

I like to just sweat it out at the gym

and I feel like $100 after I leave

then I went to therapy for the very first time

and I stuck to it this entire year.

I've always struggled with my self-worth,

confidence, anger and depression.

Honestly, YouTube saved me.

When I first started, it was my outlet

where I felt like I could be myself

and share what I love to the world

but being on YouTube has its pros and cons.

I think after seven years of uploading

and living under somewhat of a microscope,

it makes you a target for praise and criticism

and honestly, on a rough day,

reading negative comments broke me

because when you are your own biggest critic,

your entire soul aches when other people pick you apart.

It reinforces this horrible thought

that the negative stuff that they're saying is the truth

and I knew I had to get help.

I have a much better understanding of why I am the way I am

and I'm developing a thicker skin.

There's still so much left to improve

but honestly, I am miles and miles better

where I first started and I feel so proud.

I never wanna stop creating videos though

because this is what brings me joy.

I love being able to express myself through visuals

and sharing stories through the screen

and my favorite is getting your feedback.

Whenever I upload a video and I read your guys' comments,

I get so happy and I can't even begin to explain

how surreal it feels when I meet you guys in real life.

It honestly is very overwhelming

because I look at myself and I think,

why would anyone even show up for me

and so it's been really nice

to have other people that believe in me

when I don't believe in myself sometimes.

You guys make it all worth it for me

and I wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my heart.

I learned a huge lesson this year

and that's to never be afraid of peaking

because it doesn't exist.

Every year is completely different than the last

and I feel like you always have different milestones

and different struggles

and I feel like that's how life levels up

and so I don't think it's fair

to compare your past self to the present

and I always want to be happy

and comfortable with who I am right now

because I know that I'm trying my best

and every year I want to just get progressively better,

I wanna become more self-aware,

I want to be, I want to feel more safe and comfortable

and free to be myself wherever I go.

I feel like that's all what we want in life,

the permission to feel your authentic self

without the fear of judgment and I know I will get there.

I know you will get there if you're struggling with that

and yeah, I just wanted to share these things with you.

We are in this together.

I wanna wish you guys a beautiful new year.

It's 2018, baby.

Fresh new start and I'll see you guys in the next one.

Love you.

Bye.

(calm music)